Lots of positive feedback! Thank you! I have to say, I am very excited for this chapter. Before you get too excited, no, this is not lemon chapter. That is being saved for the finale. :)
I'm being very proactive with my writing right now; corresponding with two published authors really gets you motivated to write something – for lack of a better term – worthy of their excellence! So, I hope you enjoy Chapter 35 as you've enjoyed my previous chapters, and let's get going!
Disclaimer: Gotta say, coming up with interesting disclaimers is not something I'll miss. I own nothing!
"Tamaki, stop," I mumbled, blood rushing to my cheeks to betray my embarrassment when he tried to kiss me just before we were to open the doors to the club room. Even though it was obvious there was something going on between us, since the atmosphere surrounding us was vastly different than it had ever been, I still wasn't keen on giving the twins something to ogle at – and then interrogate me about later. "People will see."
"I've been waiting all day to kiss you and all you give me is rejection?" Tamaki pouted, with the air he often got that threatened his retirement to his "corner of gloom," as Mori and I had christened it a few weeks earlier. Whenever he didn't get his way, he'd grow pale and curl up in a corner looking miserable until we all finally conceded to his, more often than not, incessant whims. While I wanted to kiss him as well – badly – I still wasn't sure I wanted everyone to know doubtlessly that we were officially a couple.
"Later," I vowed, longing dearly to graze my lips against his cheek but combating the impulse into submission; what a hypocrite I would be, warning him against kissing me and then being so bold as to bestow one upon him!
It had been over a week since our first kiss and the oh-so-humiliating yet completely wonderful kiss at the aquarium, and while most people in the Host Club could tell that Tamaki and I were quite plainly more involved with one another, none of them were quite yet aware we had made the transition from dating into being boyfriend and girlfriend. Especially because we hadn't even technically dated before we became a couple. My desired plan was to keep up this façade for another week or two and announce the truth once everyone had gotten used to the idea of Tamaki and Samayu.
Tamaki disagreed. I'd been forced to tackle him the first Monday we were back at school after we established our coupleship to keep him from announcing it to the world. I'd placated him with a kiss in one of the back rooms and had been holding them over his head so he would go along with what I wanted. I think he's completely aware that I don't hold nearly as much power as I pretend I do, but perhaps it's just one of the implications that he cares for me, since he complies. If he was to hold kisses for ransom on me, I've no doubt I'd cave to his will just as easily.
Barely over a week, and I'm already addicted to them. At first I wanted to kiss him all the time because it was new and exciting, now it's because, when he'd finally abandoned the pretense I would break in his hands and began to kiss me more vigorously, he made me feel things I'd never felt before… things I was rather eager to explore. I doubt I'd ever known true desire before Tamaki's kisses.
The only person who wasn't ignorant to the true nature of my relationship with Tamaki was Kyoya, and this was because Tamaki had told him. I didn't begrudge him that; while Kyoya still rubs me mostly the wrong way, he is Tamaki's best friend. And besides, Kyoya is so damn intuitive he'd know just by looking at us that there was something more going on with Tamaki and me than merely "dating." He assured me he would keep quiet – if we kept the nature of our relationship secret from the club's clientele. There's always a price with Kyoya, but for once I was happy to concede. I wasn't eager for the fangirls to tear me apart for stealing their idol from their clutches.
That wasn't to say that dating Tamaki in secret didn't have more drawbacks than I'd anticipated. The first day back at school at the Host Club meeting since our first kiss, I had toned down the amount of flirting I'd been doing with my regulars. Flirting hadn't felt natural to me in the first place, so drawing back from it had been too easy. I enjoyed conversing with the boys who came for an audience with me almost more than I had enjoyed flirting with them. Tamaki, however, made no such efforts.
Even though I knew in my head and my heart that none of it was real, that all the sweet words Tamaki uttered to his clientele were backed by absolutely nothing, I couldn't keep the envy from flaring in my chest watching him entertain them. His lips tantalizingly close to theirs… although none had ever dared before, I swiftly entertained jealous fantasies that they would suddenly find the nerve to kiss him. He showered them with constant praise and complimented their every nuances, and while such regular admiration bestowed upon me would have irritated me to no end, I couldn't help but think all those compliments were somehow mine, and he was giving what was mine away much too freely.
I had always assumed love would come easily, that once I finally found it forgiving the faults of the man I loved would be simple. How wrong I had been! A heart in love is a jealous heart indeed.
After that first day ended I had been furious with him. I was making attempts to keep him from wanting to tear me away from my admirers; why wasn't he doing the same? Before the kiss, I had spent countless days studying him and his interaction with clients from afar, but as I'd never had any claim to him the envy hadn't grown nearly this bad. And I wasn't sure if it was my heightened sensitivity or not, but to me it seemed he had more compliments for those girls in his repertoire than ever before. I'd been shaking with both anger and anxiety by the end of the meeting, furious with Tamaki for doing nothing to appease me like I was appeasing him, but I was also worried the intensified praise for the other girls was implication he didn't care for me… that he had just been playing a game with me all weekend.
Fears leftover from that nightmare I'd suffered in a fevered delirium two months ago, no doubt, but I was terrified there was some merit to them after all.
I'd wanted to explode. I felt like there was an impossible hurricane swirling inside my chest, picking up every emotion caused by my infatuated heart and twisting them into scraps of unrecognizable debris until love was buried deep beneath mistrust and resentment. Kyoya saw my impending tempest before I had the chance to unleash it and placated me in his own way; firstly, by giving me someone to direct my loathing at other than my boyfriend, and secondly, to inform me it was he who had instructed Tamaki to act like nothing was different. If the king were to show some reservation, their revenue would take one hell of a hit. He advised me to revert back to my usual routine of flirting with my own clients, but I refused. It didn't feel right, and damned if I was going to pick it up where I had left off just to make Tamaki mad. I did have some integrity left.
But today was not a good day for me. I'll admit, I've been temperamental for a couple of days now, as my birth control pills have cycled back around to that god-awful fourth week of placebos rather than actual drugs. I contemplated going off the pills when I bought my house as an act of defiance, somehow claiming my right to my own body, but the fears always lingered in the back of my mind that Raito would… I stopped myself from thinking about it. But also, knowing when PMS is going to hit with vigor helps me sort out my feelings between normal annoyed and going-to-strangle-something irritated.
I've no doubt that I was a disappointment to my clients today. I can't recall ever having been more distracted. Some poor first year in Class B who I'd spoken to all of once before today had to repeat a question three times before I even comprehended he was speaking to me – even worse, because I was the only person he could have been speaking to. The guys don't really talk to each other, unless it's arguing to prove some point. They all want to be right, they all want to be more intelligent, they all want to be more impressive. I think they're trying to impress me, but mostly I just find listening to them argue entertaining.
I never used to be so petty. Before I was Tamaki's girlfriend, the only thought I had towards the girl with the unfortunate carp-like appearance was just that; how unfortunate for her. Today, watching Tamaki never cease his radiant smile as he complimented her on how pretty she was and how intelligent she was – after she misquoted Shakespeare so horribly I had to wonder if she had some sort of grudge against the man – I felt like I was going to burst into flames, I was so mad at her. Just for being there. Sitting next to Tamaki and soaking up his compliments like a sponge, believing every word he spoke about her beauty and intelligence.
Tamaki never told me I was pretty or smart. Well… maybe once, when I first came to a Host Club meeting, but it didn't mean anything back then. The best I'd gotten since was that I'm "always myself." I don't even know what that means. How could I be anything but?
The best I can say is that I refrained from doing anything too hasty… until after the club sent away all the guests. I knew Kyoya was going to be furious with me for what I was about to do, but for once I didn't care. How was I supposed to just look away all the time and pretend my boyfriend wasn't shamelessly flirting with other girls when he was doing it not ten feet away from me? Yes, I knew it wasn't real in my head. My heart was trying to make me believe otherwise. It hurt the way I imagine having a knife twisted into your chest would hurt. I just wanted to establish that no matter what he said to those girls, I was the one he cared about the most. I didn't want it to be some huge secret anymore. I wanted other people to know we were together. I wanted them to.
So I ignored all logic that kept saying Kyoya would kill me and the twins would nag me until I died and I might even traumatize Hunny, who acts so much like a little kid I forget on a regular basis that he is actually eighteen. I shoved aside doubts and insecurities and did what I thought must be done. "Tamaki!" I exclaimed the moment the last girl had left the room, grinning, getting up out of my chair and heading straight towards him. I've never done that before. We keep a safe distance after club meetings. We never headed straight for one another.
Tamaki turned around, looking slightly baffled beneath his obvious delight I was approaching him. "Samayu? What is—?"
I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him. Right in the middle of the room in front of God and everybody. I shut my eyes and blocked out Hunny's gasp and the twins obnoxious cheering and a repeated, irritable clicking sound that I was positive was coming from Kyoya's pen. I kissed Tamaki. But he didn't kiss me back.
His hands found my shoulders after a moment. I had stunned him into immobilization for a few seconds with my unexpected act. But the fact he was pushing me away wounded me. He loved kissing me. He'd told me so himself several times in the last few days. Why didn't he kiss me back? "Samayu," he said quietly as I looked up at him with unguarded hurt. His face was red with embarrassment. "What are you doing?"
I stared at him defiantly. I wanted to do this my way. "I'm kissing my boyfriend," I stated shamelessly, planting a kiss to the corner of his lips and grinning when I felt it twitch. I was getting to him.
"You said later," he reminded me, struggling to repress a smile of delight. "Usually that means after we've adjourned."
"It is later," I pointed out at once, tempting him by kissing the arch of his top lip. My goal wasn't to kiss him in front of the rest of the club any longer. It was getting him to kiss me. Then they would all know he had staked as much of a claim to me as I had to him.
"Samayu," he repeated himself, and his grin broke free at last as I kissed the corner of his mouth I hadn't gotten to yet. "Goodness, you're determined!"
"You're mine," I finally burst, appalled by the whine in my tone. "Not theirs… not theirs." I had never been so clingy and pathetic in my life! Shouldn't I be ashamed of myself right now? Because the most potent feeling I'm getting is pride for my actions. I'm very content with myself for saying what I've wanted to say for a week.
And at long last, he gave me what I wanted. "Of course I'm yours," he said softly, smiling as he lifted his hands to my cheeks. "I'm always yours." The moment he met his lips with mine a shudder ran down my spine and I had to remember to remain standing because my knees felt ready to give way. Why hadn't he kissed me like this before? With passion and intensity and urgency, like he was trying to convey several years' worth of emotions with a single action. I couldn't quite tell whose tongue was whose anymore. It was disorienting and yet strangely perfect. How did his lips stay so soft when mine were chapped from all the kissing we'd been doing? And wait… what was he doing with his hand? One remained on my cheek, but the other one was traveling down my side to my waist, pulling my body closer into his even as I arched towards him. Did this really have to end? I wanted to bend time and force it to keep me here forever, kissing the boy I love in this exact way. Who knew when I'd have this feeling again? Who knew if Tamaki would ever kiss me like this again? Better not to risk never – I'd rather just stay here.
~Tamaki~
Needless to say, the last week's club meetings had been excruciating for Tamaki. Everything was different now that he and Samayu were together. Each second he saw her he wanted to wrap his arms around her, kiss her, anything to claim her and calm her constant worries over having dreamed everything between them up. Though she hadn't admitted in to him outright, he could tell by the way she clung so desperately to every kiss, every touch, that she was terrified of either losing it or imagining it.
The very first Monday back at school after he'd kissed Samayu for the first time, Tamaki had been eager to stake a claim to Samayu, attempting to announce her as his girlfriend to just the club members. He'd gotten the wind knocked out of his lungs when Samayu barreled into him, dragging him into the back room before he'd gotten the announcement made. She'd begged him to keep it secret for now, claimed she wasn't ready for everyone to know yet. And the way she had kissed him… if that was how she'd always persuade him, she'd have immense power over him for the rest of their lives. So he'd agreed, reluctantly.
The meeting itself had brought upon an entirely new dilemma. So, like he always did, he'd confided in Kyoya. He talked to Kyoya about everything. Even though his best friend acted passive towards everything that didn't directly involve him, Tamaki knew somewhere behind his guarded indifference that he actually cared. His concern had been, of course, the club. He hated the idea of flirting with his clients in front of Samayu when she was already so insecure, but at the same time couldn't bear the thought of hurting the feelings of so many girls if he stopped offering them compliments. For so many of them, that was the only praise they heard during a day. It was his duty to give that to them, but how could he when guilt would be sure to be eating away at him every second?
Kyoya's solution had been to keep things as they were. It made no difference either way what Tamaki and Samayu did after the club adjourned – what mattered was the way they acted while meetings were in session. And Tamaki's actions mattered much more than hers. Samayu's revenue had thrived the last two and a half months she'd spent hosting by merely conversing with her audiences. She had only recently begun to experiment with flirting, and if she reverted back to making no more than polite conversation, it would make no difference. But if Tamaki were to cease the unending compliments and praise offered to his clients, his revenue – and incidentally, the club's – would take a detrimental hit.
Tamaki had wanted to discuss this with Samayu himself, but Kyoya had shot him down, assuring him that he'd handle it. Tamaki wasn't sure exactly how well his friend had handled it, but Samayu hadn't said anything on the subject. He noticed she'd desisted flirting with her clients, but that was the biggest change in the way she acted during meetings.
If he didn't count the fact that she stared at him much of the time. He could feel her eyes on him, an intense gaze that made shivers run up and down his spine. Every time he'd dared to look back at her, he'd caught brief and endearing glimpses of yearning in her eyes before she looked away, blushing.
Perhaps he'd been overcompensating for a week, trying too hard to hide the fact he was so completely in love with Samayu by increasing and intensifying the compliments he gave to his guests. He had so many more lately, though! All, of course, inspired by Samayu. She'd allowed him to take her to dinner almost every night for a week, where they talked about everything but the club meetings and spent several minutes at a time kissing after the bill had been paid. He'd come up with so many lines by merely being in her presence, and knowing how she despised being treated like a guest, he'd swallowed them back and used them where they would be appreciated. He'd not given a thought to their potency or the sheer amount of them.
Not, at least, until today.
He and Samayu had agreed not to interact too much during and after club meetings in front of the other members, for fear they'd be suspected of being a couple. But as soon as the audiences ended and Tamaki was trying to figure out the quickest way to end the club meeting so he and Samayu could head to dinner and possibly even a late movie, he heard her call his name. An involuntary grin crept across his lips, but even his delight to hear his name on her lips couldn't keep his confusion at bay when he turned around and saw her striding towards him at a rapid pace. Why was she suddenly approaching him so urgently? Was she all right? "Samayu?" he asked, somewhat concerned. "What is—?"
Good lord, were those her lips on his all of a sudden? She'd pressed them against his so quickly he'd missed it. Her arms were around his neck, her fingertips creeping into the hair at the nape of his neck, causing a tremble to rack his entire body. What was this all about?! They'd agreed a week ago… she'd begged him not to do just this, prevented him from kissing her not an hour and a half ago! He should be at least a little upset with her, but when her mouth was moving so fervently against his, how was he to think anything towards her but love, attraction – desire? He kept telling himself to kiss her back – god, he wanted to kiss her back! – but the suddenness of her actions had rendered him completely immobile.
When sense found him at last and he realized that every club member was staring at Samayu and him – the twins were even cheering – it took him all his willpower to grip her shoulders and gently pry her away. "Samayu," he bid softly, his heart lurching when he saw how hurt she was by his rejection, however brief it would last and however much it had killed him to do so. "What are you doing?"
Her green eyes flashed fire, and it made him want her all the more. "I'm kissing my boyfriend," she informed him fiercely. He hadn't seen such passion in her since she'd insisted he kiss her at the aquarium. But lord, when she kissed the corner of his lips and left it at that, made no further motion to make it a true kiss… how it made him ache! He was shocked he had enough resolution left to refrain from devouring her mouth with his at once.
"You said later," Tamaki tried to remind her. He couldn't be entirely certain those were the exact words that he managed to form, when he was so overpowered by torrential waves of longing to feel his lips on hers. He wanted to be stern with her, even punish her for this thinly veiled hypocrisy presented in this kiss, but when all the yearning in the world was staring back at him inside those marvelous green eyes, how could he possibly be angry? It was a struggle even to speak through his own desire. "Usually that means after we've adjourned."
She smiled devilishly and leaned her face towards his again, teasing him by brushing a feather-light kiss to the small divot of his upper lip. "It is later," she told him with a purr to her voice. Once again, Tamaki's resolve shook. He wanted this so badly! How could he even think of denying her this, especially when every cell in his body was begging him to give in?
"Samayu," he said, making one last feeble bid against her. She didn't listen to his weak protest. She inclined her head ever-so-slightly and kissed the opposite corner of his mouth. Tamaki's knees shook. He couldn't remember why he was supposed to be mad at her. He couldn't remember why he wanted this to stop. The grin he'd been wrestling against finally broke free across his lips as he exclaimed, "Goodness, you're determined!"
"You're mine," she whined, shaking Tamaki to his very core as she nuzzled her face into his chest, her arms finally releasing his neck and wrapping instead around his torso. "Not theirs," she whispered into the hollow of his throat. "Not theirs."
He hadn't realized before that Samayu wanted him to be hers as much as he wanted her to be his. It was abruptly very clear to him why she had ceased flirting with her guests and why she had been staring so intently at him as he continued to flirt with his. How much had she been suffering through, watching him with his guests over the last week? Listening as he gave away compliments to them that had always been meant to be hers?
Oh, god… he wouldn't feel so horrible if he truly had kept things as they were when concerning his clients, but he had changed everything. He'd been indulging in offering more praise than ever before. His compliments were sweeter and more compelling than they had ever been. What it must have been doing to her, especially when she had taken a step backwards with the way she interacted with her guests!
He had to apologize. He had to atone. He had to make Samayu see that every word given so freely to his guests was empty, and that every word he gave her was steeped in promises of always. What could he do but pour every apology and assurance into one kiss? He'd give her the words later, but for now…
Tamaki reached up and cupped her cheeks in his palms, slowly turning her face up towards his. He wanted her to look at him, to see the sincerity in his eyes when he vowed softly, "Of course I'm yours. I'm always yours."
He had intended for the kiss he granted her to be soft and earnest, but the moment his lips met hers all reason faded and he only knew that he wanted to kiss her. Almost instinctually, he moved his mouth vehemently against hers and she responded with equal vigor, tracing his lips with her tongue and teasing him to surrender to the longing already pushing him towards the edge. His tongue slipped into her mouth and he coated his taste buds with her sweetness, his hand moving unconsciously down her side until it rested on her hip, coaxing her willing body further towards his. God, this entire display made him ache! He was not ignorant of the effect a woman can have on a man, and he was suddenly painfully aware of the fact that, in drawing her nearer, he was on the verge of inadvertently revealing the tangible proof of his desire to Samayu.
With a gasp, he broke the kiss and gently moved Samayu away from his body, though not too far. He'd seen the hurt rejecting her had caused inside her eyes once already; he was not eager to see it again. He looked at his girlfriend with pride swelling in his chest; she was so beautiful! Her cheeks were vibrantly pink and there was a coy smile on her kiss-swollen lips, and she was breathing heavily as she recovered from what kissing did to her ability to draw air into her lungs. Her emerald eyes were bright and filled to the brim with pleasure.
The twins shattered the moment with their exclamations.
Kaoru's hollers made Samayu blush further. "Way to go, Milord!"
"We knew there was something going on between you two, but damn!" Hikaru grinned devilishly, flashing Tamaki a thumbs-up.
Tamaki chuckled when Samayu groaned and buried her face in her hands, much like she had done the last time they had been witnessed kissing. He leaned over and murmured in her ear, "I'll bet you miss that family that walked in on us in the aquarium now, don't you?"
"You have no idea." Her voice was muffled and thick with humiliation, but beneath all that he could still tell that she was grinning. "Can we just go? I'm about to die."
"May I remind you that you brought this upon yourself?" Tamaki reminded her teasingly, brushing a kiss to the back of her hand. He would have met her cheek with his lips if she hadn't been pressing her palms to her face in a feeble attempt to hide. "You are so adorable." She groaned again and he laughed, straightening his posture. "I can't seem to recall any club business that needs our immediate attention," he announced, much to the flustered protest of the twins. "We'll discuss everything tomorrow. For now, meeting adjourned."
~Samayu~
I needed to talk to someone, but I couldn't believe I had actually gone this far.
Haruhi is no good with girl talk. The second I broach the subject of boys she gets all flustered and starts mumbling about how there's nothing going on with her and Hikaru even as her face turns that telltale shade of red that practically screams yes, there is something going on. I have a few girls in my class I converse with regularly, but they're Host Club regulars and I can't imagine asking their advice on love, especially when my secret boyfriend is none other than the blonde, blue-eyed object of several of their fantasies. I guess that girls talk to their moms about this stuff, or at least, some girls do – but yeah, right. I mean, my mom is in Taiwan finalizing her factory contract and stewing in resentment for her daughter, who she thinks makes up wild stories about her husband being a rapist and tried to commit suicide.
There was one other female figure in my life, but I had been loath to contact her. I'd only met her twice before, after all, and both times I had been terrified of what seeing her meant. But I felt like I was going to explode if I didn't get at least some of my questions answered and finally was allowed to gush about my almost-clandestine romance with someone who wouldn't want to try to kill me when I did.
So, I'd called Midori, unexplainably and incredibly nervous the entire time I listened to her phone ring. Her answering machine picked it up eventually, and I had a choice to make. I could leave a message or I could hang up and forget I'd ever done it. I chose to be brave. I left her a message asking if she wanted to meet me for coffee on Saturday. She'd texted me two hours later with a positive response, a place, and a time.
Which is why I was about to hyperventilate while sitting in my car, mustering up the courage to get out and finally go into the café and meet Midori, who I had seen walk in five minutes ago. I was being horribly rude, but even so, I didn't want to go in like I was. I was a bundle of nerves. I didn't even know why I was so anxious.
I eventually realized that I wasn't going to calm down any more than I was, so I may as well just go in.
Midori was sitting at one of the several tables inside, flipping through a paperback that I assumed was either a horror novel or a mystery, from the dark photograph on the cover. She looked up as I approached her and smiled, shutting the book immediately. "Samayu," she greeted me warmly, standing up before I got to the table and wrapping me in a hug I had not expected. I winced and tensed up, still nervous by any human contact that wasn't Tamaki's, but hugged her back and relaxed. She wasn't going to hurt me, of course not. It was just a hug.
"Hi, Midori," I said, trying desperately to hide the fact that I was uneasy, although not very successfully. I could feel myself blushing. "Thanks for meeting me," I continued, taking a sat and depositing my bag in the empty chair next to me. "I… didn't really know who else to call."
"You're alright, aren't you?" she asked casually, though I could feel her analytical gaze scanning me. She was a doctor; it was only natural.
"Oh, yes, I'm fine!" I exclaimed at once, rubbing one of my knuckles nervously. I felt horrible about being so fidgety, but I couldn't seem to stop. "There are just… um…" I trailed off, my mind so jumbled I could barely form a coherent thought. "Wow, I thought talking would be a little easier," I admitted, blushing further.
Midori smiled reassuringly at me, and for some reason, that did immense good for my nerves. "This isn't a hospital, Samayu," she reminded me gently.
I looked down at my lap. "I know. It's just… weird, I guess."
"Then let's not make it weird," Midori suggested lightly, as casually as if she were talking about a traffic report. "We can start by getting coffee, and we'll take it from there."
She reminded me of Tamaki, the way she said that. And more than anything, that's what made me relax. "That sounds like a grand idea," I agreed.
Five minutes later, I was gingerly sipping at a cappuccino and Midori was emptying a sugar packet into her latte. "How have you been?" She asked, twirling the sugar into the drink with a spoon, I watched the foam in her cup swirl. It looked like I imagined my thoughts did. "How's school?"
"Easy, for the time being. We just took our finals last week and nobody wants to start teaching anything too new since we're off school next week," I replied easily. School was a simple subject. Not like my love life, which, for the first time ever, was thriving. "How's work?" I bravely ventured. Even mentioning the hospital sent chills dancing over my skin.
"Grand. The hospital's been keeping me doing walk-in appointments for the time being, and some of them are rather interesting," she smiled, and said no more on the subject. I wasn't sure if that was because of patient confidentiality or because she could tell talking about anything vaguely medical disturbed me. Maybe a bit of both.
"What were you reading?" I asked, trying to steer the conversation out of the silence that had stretched between us. Midori began to describe the mystery novel to me, and while it certainly sounded intriguing, it didn't seem like something I would ever be interested in reading myself. There were a lot of supernatural aspects to it.
She described the plot to me up to where she was, and then asked if I liked to read. I told her yes, very much, and launched into a description of my favorite book.
We discussed books and movies and even broached politics, though we never delved deep into that subject. It wasn't until an hour later when I was swirling what little remained of my coffee around the dregs that Midori broached any subject of true meaning. "How are you, Samayu? Really."
I knew what she meant. It was what anyone who knew would want to find out about. I rolled up my sleeves and showed her my arms a little proudly. The white scars were about as faded as they would get, but it was very evident I had not been cutting. "It's been a good couple of months," I informed her, even smiling a little as I rolled my sleeves back down.
"I'm happy to hear that," she nodded, pushing her empty cup aside.
"Midori?"
"Yes?"
"How… how did you…" Lord, it was hard to ask! Much harder than I thought it would be! "I'm sorry, but, um… why did you start cutting? And how did you stop?" I felt terrible the moment the words were out, like a disobedient child who was meddling in things that were none of my business. Ashamed by my disrespect, I stared down at my lap, blushing.
"It's all right, Samayu," Midori said softly. "My parents got divorced when I was thirteen and I thought it was my fault. I stopped cutting two years later when one of my friends finally found me some help. There a lot of things we can't control in this life, Samayu, but we can control our reactions. And cutting was never the right reaction."
I nodded slowly. I know she was right. I'd told myself the same thing countless times before, even as I sliced into my arms with a blade. I shuddered to even think about it and my arms throbbed dully, remembering the pain of being cut into.
"What's happened to make you stop?" Midori asked. I looked up at her. Her expression was serious, and I knew she wasn't going to make me tell her if I didn't want to, but somehow, I had come to trust her.
"Tamaki," I said simply, blushing slightly deeper. I could spout as many reasons as I wanted to that would all be true, but in the end they all came back to him. He was my hero, and who was I to deny it? "He just… makes me feel like I'm worth something, and hurting myself suddenly felt like a crime. So… I stopped."
"And how is Tamaki?" she asked, taking note of the way I blushed at the mere mention of his name and leaning forward, grinning like a teenage girl partaking in gossip.
I bit the inside of my cheek and finally burst out, "He asked me to be his girlfriend."
"And I can't imagine you said no."
"Of course I didn't! He's… he's the only person who's ever been there for me all the time." I took a deep breath, aware that I was about to bare my soul but somehow not particularly caring, and admitted, "I think I'm in love with him."
Her smile widened even as she shook her head. "That's quite the declaration," she said. There was seriousness somewhere beneath her tone of amusement. "Does he know?"
"God, no. But, um… I know we're a couple of teenagers and it sounds stupid, like every girl whose ever lived has been totally in love with her boyfriend, but I've loved him longer than we've been together. A lot longer. Two months longer."
Midori even laughed. "This sounds serious."
It felt so good to finally admit this to someone! But what I wanted to ask… was going to make everything awkward. "Midori… what's a real relationship like?" I asked.
She seemed taken aback, but recovered well. "You decide you like a person and spend time with them," she replied slowly. I was grateful she was giving serious thought to her reply. "You kiss. You get to know each other so well that you'd trust each other with anything, even your lives. And that's when you know you love them. And if they love you back, you get married, and pray for a happily ever after." She seemed satisfied with her answer at first, but then added, "A relationship isn't like what you see in books or movies, Samayu. You have to work at it. And sometimes, no matter how hard you try, it doesn't work out."
"Are you married, Midori?"
"No. Came close once, but the guy was much more in love with me than I was with him, and I realized that he wasn't the person I wanted to spend my whole life with. I broke his heart, Samayu. I'm not proud of that."
"It would have been worse for him in the end if you had married him," I decided. I felt for the poor guy. What if my relationship with Tamaki is like that? What if I love him but he doesn't really love me? Am I going to end up with nothing but memories and a heart in pieces?
"Take it slow with Tamaki," Midori advised, seeing the panic in my eyes. "I saw the way he looks at you. He likes you a whole lot more than you think he does, I'm sure."
"What about sex?" I blurted out, and then, horrified by my own brazen question, I clapped my hand over my mouth and turned a deep shade of red.
Midori looked a little like I'd just slapped her in the face. "What? Why would you be worried about that?"
Oh, god, I was dying of embarrassment. I'd take the twins' hooting and hollering after watching me kiss Tamaki a hundred more times if I could just take back that question. "I'm sorry," I apologized urgently. "I just… I thought a relationship… that meant… I'm sorry."
"Samayu," Midori said sternly. She was no longer my friend. In that moment, she felt more like my mother. Or, at least, the way my mother should be. Her demeanor was assured and strict. "I'll tell you this seriously. Teenage boys are hormonal. But don't you dare give your body away just to appease your boyfriend. If he won't respect you enough to know your body is sacred, then you don't belong together. In a perfect world, every person would wait until marriage. Trust me, Samayu. I gave my virginity away much too freely to my college boyfriend. And it is one of my biggest regrets."
"Was he the man who wanted to marry you?" I dared to ask.
She hesitated. "No," she admitted. She looked ashamed with herself, but I didn't judge. What right did I have to? When I was leading her to believe I was still a virgin?
Her demeanor softened. "But don't worry about that," she assured me, the aura about her transforming back into the friendly one she'd had for most of our meeting. "Tamaki is a boy with a surprising amount of old-fashioned morals."
"Yes… you're right," I agreed, suddenly feeling even more foolish for having asked such a question. Why should I be worried about that? Of all the people I had ever met, Tamaki was the one most likely to be a virgin until his wedding night, and that thought comforted me.
Story moves along even further next chapter, and some of you will want to kill me and some of you will be screaming with joy… it depends on how you feel about a certain character. So stay tuned! I'm writing really long chapters to get this done with by Chapter 40, and even then it may spill over a couple… we'll see.
I love writing Tamaki's perspective. I think I like writing it more than Samayu's! What do you guys think?
Also, I was just wondering. After 35 chapters, I know I've accumulated fans for this story, but are any of you out there guys? Ouran is highly female oriented, I know, but I was just a little curious. Aside from my dear friend Jordan, I've no idea if any of you out there reading this story are boys. So tell me, if you are? Or if you've a guy friend who's reading this? I'm really interested to know!
Love you all and thanks for reading!
Phantom, out!