Chapter Thirty Seven

Jasper

A chance to hunt should have filled me with excitement and relief, after all I'd been forced to drink human blood for weeks now and I really didn't want to get hooked on that again, but I had no interest. Edward tried his best to engage me in conversation, letting me decide which direction to go, what animal to stalk but I didn't care. My thirst was the least of my problems, I felt numb, nothing touched me, I didn't want to hunt, I didn't want to talk, I just wanted to...well I didn't know what was wrong with me and eventually Edward picked out some deer and we ran two down but it was as if I were running through a thick fog that dragged on my body slowing me and the blood tasted of nothing, the burn in my throat eased but the other pain, a deep down pain I couldn't even locate was just getting worse. Running back to the house became more and more difficult and I slowed to a walk, Edward coming back to see what was wrong.

"Are you OK Jazz? I guess it must be really strange having your freedom again after so long. Animal blood doesn't taste as good after the real stuff eh? Alice will be pleased to see you back, she's really missed your company. It must be hard having to share you with a stranger, awkward for you too. How did you get through it? Being stuck with her through all that human stuff? Still at least she wasn't built like a bus with a face like a bull's bum, that must of helped."

I saw his lips moved and heard the noise but it made little sense, as if he were speaking in some strange tongue. In the end he gave up and walked back the rest of the way with me in silence

There was something in the atmosphere when I got back and then I saw Alice and understood. She had been waiting for me and Alice hated waiting for anything. I couldn't get away from her, she was determined to have some time alone with me so she dragged me upstairs but as I walked into our room I felt a great void and had to stop myself looking around for Bella, even knowing she wasn't there. Then guilt took over, Alice was only asking what she had a right to expect from her husband, love and attention. I allowed her to lead me over to the bed and undress me but all I could think of was... this is wrong. As she joined me already naked herself and began to caress me I tensed, it was as if the fingers of the dead, those I had seen in my nightmares were touching me greedily. Her lips on mine were those of a human corpse and I wanted to scream. She sighed and whispered in my ear,

"Its OK Jazz, its just the after affects of all you've been through. You're safe now, you can relax."

The trouble was that I couldn't and with every one of her caresses I became more and more tense.

"Jazz you aren't even trying to relax. Look we're all alone just let yourself feel."

Let myself feel? That was the last thing I wanted to do but I tried. Alice's hand trailed across my belly and down to stroke my dick but she got no response however much I tried to tell myself that this was fine, that my wife wanted me to make love to her. She lifted one of my hands and laid it on her breast waiting for my caresses and I tried, I really did, but the feel of her did nothing for me.

"I'm sorry Alice I guess its just a little too soon."

I pulled her down close to me and went to kiss her on the cheek but she turned her head so our lips met. I felt her tongue flicker against my teeth seeking admittance but I was unable to do what she wanted. I felt her temper rising and tried to calm her but it was difficult when I felt so miserable myself. I had made my decision, I was staying with my wife and now I should make the best of it but something was very wrong. She sat up and slapped my hand away scowling and looking annoyed.

"Jazz you have to stop thinking about what happened, I know it was hard for you but its over and now..."

She smiled again,

"I need you to be hard for me."

She wanted me to smile in return but I couldn't make my muscles work, they felt frozen, my whole body felt cold and frozen, had the waking nightmares managed to do me some damage even before Bella was there to protect me? Was this my life from now on? I refused to believe that, I would just have to try harder but the harder I tried the more difficult it became and Alice finally lost patience sitting up looking hurt and angry but even that failed to make me feel anything.

She flounced into the bathroom and I heard the shower which made the pain even worse and I curled up into a ball once more. Had they been wrong? Had Peter and the others caught the wrong person? No, this pain was even deeper and less comprehensible, I didn't see horrific scenes from my past, I didn't see anything I just felt it, a deep ache in my very core that was dragging me inwards away from the world.

Alice

I thought Jazz would see how upset I was and join me in the shower, we always showered together but not this time, This time I showered alone and by the time I got out I was furious. The least he could do was make an effort after all he'd put me through, besides when I went back into the bedroom he was curled up on the bed just like before but this time he wasn't screaming, in fact he wasn't making any sounds at all. I picked up our discarded clothes and threw them in the laundry bin although I doubted I would bother laundering them, his were dirty from the hunt and mine were badly crumpled, so much for my eagerness! I put this down to the little bitch, she had done something, said something, and now he was drawing away from me. Well she wouldn't win, he was mine and no stuck up hybrid was going to take my husband away from me. He'd chosen me once and I was damn sure he wasn't going back on that decision.

"Jazz"

He moved his head but his eyes weren't focusing on me,

"Jazz, for God's sake get up. I wait all this time to have some time alone with my husband and you act like some kind of cheap store dummy. You owe me more than this, I want some attention, some affection from my husband, now get up."

I grabbed his arm and pulled him off the bed to land heavily on the floor and he jumped to his feet his whole body shaking,

"Leave me alone!"

The whole house could hear his words in fact I'd be surprised if they didn't hear him in town!

There was the sound of running feet and Rose and Esme stood there aghast to see him so angry but then it died as quickly as it rose and he slumped down on the bed again shaking his head but not apologizing.

"What's going on? Is Jazz being attacked again?"

"Only by me, apparently he's not interested in me any longer, I'm not warm and fragile and stupid enough."

"Alice really, that's a little harsh."

I looked shocked at Esme, one of my staunchest allies while Bella had been here,

"She's done this, he won't even attempt to make love to me."

"Well, he's been through a lot Alice, give him some time to recover."

"Oh I'm so sorry, this is all my fault is it? I'm expecting too much am I? Silly me thinking my husband might show me just a little affection after so long without any."

I pushed past them and ran down the stairs right into Carlisle who had just returned home from the hospital.