"Geez, what took you so long?" Haruhi asked, still wearing the annoyed frown she'd had when I'd left moments ago as I entered.
"I wasn't even away for a minute."
"Too long!"
She must be really eager to start whatever she has planned.
I took a seat at the end of the long table, giving the girl standing at the other end my full focus, setting up the right frame of mind I'd need in order to try and make useful observations and hopefully figure out what it was I was supposed to do here.
"Right! I stayed up late and with Yuki's help we did a ton of research!" Haruhi slammed the bag she'd been holding against the table and pulled out an impressive, though untidy, pile of papers which she started running through by thumbing about with the pages. "The idea of using a choir like they did in Greek antiquity sounded pretty cool, commenting on the proceedings, acting like a character in itself. Along with that, I gotta say the Aristotelian form of tragedy structure sounds very promising as well. We definitely need hubris; anagnorisis and hamartia are all well and good as well, but it all needs to be cathartic! I want people blubbering like they've never been blubbering! Cleansed of their stupid, empty, everyday worries by truer experiences than their own! Although, as we were going through classical structures, the three part Jo-Ha-Kyu structure to a Noh-play has its appeal as well. I like the idea of having chaos build up for a long middle while the climax comes swiftly and suddenly… In fact, there's so many great ways to go about this…"
Whoa… she was at the library for one evening?
Haruhi's face scrunched up as she stared at her papers with such intensity I was half-expecting her to shoot lasers out of her scanning eyes. Her brows were knotted and her lips were undertaking such a puckered act that it looked like she'd been sucking on nothing but lemons for weeks. Her hands started shaking a little, and a low humming sound that resembled an old race car building speed escaped from her, barely audible but quickly gathering volume along with a redness that was slowly taking over her face. In fact, she looked almost… constipated.
"Screw it!" Haruhi shouted as she threw the papers into the air, scattering the fruits of her labor carelessly onto the clubroom floor. "In the spirit of post-post-modernity, an age that clearly needs a better name, we're tossing all boring and clichéd structures and conventions away! Screw denouements! And climaxes for that part as well! People need to be woken up to the fact that there are more than one way to tell a story! Only narrow-minded fools need a clear beginning, middle and end where everything is neatly resolved and explained for their lazy asses! The process – No! – journey is always more important than the destination! Our play is going to be realistic to the ultimate degree! It's really going to be about life!"
Let me guess, you're going to just wing it. No need to make a huge show about. Just admit you don't have any real idea for what we're doing. Go ahead, I'll wait.
"Our play… it's going to be… a period piece! We're gonna have something timeless! Something that transcends shallow, sickening notions of chronism!"
What? Chronism? What? I guess you really did spend a night in the library, because I haven't been able to understand half of what you've been saying. I still don't know what we're doing. Something about time…? Time travel?
"We need humor as well of course, to balance with the human drama! Doesn't matter what! Dark, light, yellow, pink… whatever color humor you want!"
Color? This is starting to sound oddly racial if you ask me.
"Although we'll be breaking genres, we could still aim for a – a – swashbuckling feel!" Haruhi burst excitedly, waving her arms about energetically, her whole being exuding unrestrained anticipation and excitement. She could barely keep still; she kept hopping from one foot to the other, like she was warming up for a sprint. "Yeah, that's right, we'll have pirates!
Pirates? So is that what you meant earlier? Chronic motion sickness? Ships rolling about on open seas? Or is this play about… time-traveling pirates? Hmm… not too bad an idea to be perfectly honest. If I had the time to kill, I might rent such a stupid film if it did exist and have a laugh at it.
"They're a perfect romantic subject matter!"
Romance… pirates? Oh wait, you must mean romanticism. Yeah, I remember hearing about that in a class once. I'd been surprised to find how little actual romance that entailed. Wordsworth especially had bored me with all his talk of fields. And apparently modernism was a thing of the past as well, who knew? The field of literature sure could use a kick in the head to smarten up.
"Yes, right… this is gonna be perfect! Any other ideas?" Haruhi asked, smiling expectantly at all of us.
"Uuh, uu~uh! Do we all get big pirate hats?" Tsuruya-san asked enthusiastically, raising her hand for some reason beyond my reasoning as she asked. "Who are we plundering and looting?"
"Sure, the bigger the hats the better! But you've picked a good topic for discussion. We need antagonists! Conflict is the foundation on which all stories are built!" Haruhi said.
"We-well… pirates are criminals… s-so s-some form of law enforcement… I think," Asahina-san piped up carefully, following Tsuruya-san's lead in raising her hand to answer.
"Hmmm," Haruhi wiggled her lips thoughtfully, cagily tasting the idea. "Not bad… we could go with that… but it's a bit cliché."
"S-sorry," Asahina-san muttered, glancing at the table in front of her with a slightly ashamed look to her.
"We could go about the whole classical opposition of chaos/order and freedom/tradition… but it's the word 'classical' that has me feeling iffy."
Yep, it wouldn't be Haruhi in any reality if she wasn't one to blaze new trails.
"The Law… Nah… There's something off about it, isn't there…? It lacks a certain… crispy crispness of crisperity…" Haruhi looked up at the ceiling for a moment, before she returned to Earth, smiling almost psychopathically. "Oh! I know! We need more action and suspense! And for that we need a more direct and active, not a responsive force like the law! We need to introduce the pirates' greatest archenemy!"
"What, scurvy?" I asked.
"No, idiot! Ninja!"
Ninja? Through what kind of convoluted logic are ninja and pirates worst enemies? They didn't even exist at the same time and place, well, at least not with the pirates everyone pictures them as. There have of course been pirates since the freaking Phoenicians all over the world, but how on earth would trained assassins and what passed for highway bandits of the sea ever cross swords?
"Everyone knows it! They just are, sort of like zombies and cyborgs!"
What? That is just… no, never mind. I'm not even going to dignify that with a response within my head. It's just that stupid. Nope, not gonna even think derisively at something so stupid. Not worth the nano-second of thought.
"You know…" Haruhi said musingly, smirking with dangerous design, "We should probably add those as well… and maybe some Nazis as well! They're like the perfect bad guys, completely evil yet stylish in those Hugo Boss uniforms of theirs. Bad guys always have the best outfits! It's almost unfair how cool they are! And then some sort of magic wielding demon warlock who castes meteors of hellfire! Oh man, this is gonna be so cool…"
I cleared my throat as I prepared to shoot her ideas down like the wild geese they were. "There's only five of us and we have nowhere near the budget to even attempt one of those things. And wasn't this thing supposed to be realistic?"
"Sheesh, Kyon, sometimes you're just so culturally retarded it's almost embarrassing! What's more absurd than life? But it's true, costs will be a concern… hmm, fine, we'll just go with my original idea with the ninja, since they fit the best with our pirate setting. Although I think we'll still need some extras… you know, cannon fodder, in the true sense of the word since we're dealing with pirates."
"We're not getting a cannon." I felt it was important to cut Haruhi's extravagant ideas in the bud before they bloomed into giant fierce man-eating plants in her stream of consciousness.
"I wasn't talking about that, idiot! I was talking about your mouth breathing friends! Cannon fodder!"
Ah, Kunikida and Taniguchi… mouth breathers… Heh, maybe I should let them know what her royal highness thought about them. It might be good for a few laughs.
"Will you start paying attention, Kyon? You've been as airheaded lately as a virgin sacrifice who didn't realize to take a step back in the row when they were asking for volunteers like the rest! I know you're sharper than this!"
Why does that last statement strike me as a bit odd…?
I glanced at Nagato, sitting at the table as well, without a book even near her as she watched Haruhi expressionlessly, and I couldn't help but once again wonder if there were some slight differences with this reality I should know about. Then again, Haruhi and I have known each other for over a year, right? It shouldn't be hard even for the self-centered, yet fairly astute, especially if it came to noticing anything possibly odd, Haruhi to notice I was a bit confused in my new surroundings.
"C'mon, c'mon! More ideas! This is a Theater Club! Not a one man show!" Haruhi pumped her fist, giving us all a demanding glare. "Though sometimes I wonder…"
"Well, if we have pirates, we'll need swords! I think I can definitely get some and the wardrobe should be easy enough as well. My family's well connected enough," Tsuruya-san said.
"Heh," Haruhi smirked mischievously at her, "I knew there was a reason why I invited you to join this club!"
Tsuruya-san chuckled along with Haruhi before they started shouting out technical details to each other about props and all that other logistical stuff. It seemed that this play, whatever it was going to be about, was coming along one way or the other into this world, but much like the overgrown infant it was at this stage, the delivery would probably be rather painful.
"This is just me of course, but not all of us actually have to act, right?" I asked when a small break appeared in the conversation.
"What do you mean? You wanted to join didn't you?" Haruhi asked, annoyance swiftly replacing her enthusiasm without a hitch.
Hey, I didn't actually join up for any of this, and I mean that in the most all including sense possible.
"Really? That's not how I remember it!" Tsuruya-san muttered loudly enough for everyone to clearly hear her before she smiled in an amused manner, trading glances between me and Haruhi.
Haruhi looked bemused for only the briefest moment, mouth open as the insults she'd been about to dispense my way were caught in her throat, blinking a few times with confusion, before her face grew tinted with crimson annoyance. "What are you talking about? He – he was practically begging to join us."
"Heh, if you say so…" Tsuruya-san smirked impishly. "Although I wouldn't be surprised if his attitude changed when he heard who else was joining," she added, shooting me a serious, and in a weird way, warning look.
"Whatever! None of that matters! We're not interested with the past! The present and the future through it is what we're concerned about! In order to make the best play ever, we need to focus on the now!" Haruhi jumped onto the table and ran across it. To my continued shock, she only stopped in front of me, crouching down as she grabbed my tie. I had to focus all my will power to look up into her face, unless my wandering eyes spot something I shouldn't, in the interest of my future health. It was the first and probably last time I had ever found the fact that girls wore skirts to school a nuisance. "And if you think you can just bail out when we're just getting started, you might as well try and escape into another dimension, because nothing in this world is going to let you escape, not even death!"
Funny you should say that…
It seems there's added incentive in escaping this reality now. I certainly don't want to flaunt about on a stage following some idiotic plot of Haruhi's design. I'd felt embarrassed enough simply attaching my name to the film we'd made. It'd been hell hearing about it from some casual acquaintances even if my involvement had been off-screen, but allowing the whole school, and possibly the rest of my town to see… Yeah, I'm getting the hell out of here as fast as I can!
'Background stimuli search failed. Forcing memory leap,' a soft whisper spoke inside my head.
A loud vibrating screeching nearly knocked me out. There was a pain, but it… it wasn't physical. It felt like, I don't know, I can't describe it at all. It felt horrible, but nothing like any sort of injury I'd ever had. If you wanted to be completely uninspired about what was happening, you could say it felt like my soul was being torn asunder into a million pieces. But that just sounded stupid and rather belittling all in all of what was actually happening to me. Suffice to say, several hours worth of flight in a cramped chair in a stuffy airplane with soggy food that makes the bags for puking actually necessary along with crying babies feels heavenly in comparison to what I was going through.
'Adjusting…'
"C'mon! Let's go!" Haruhi pulled me out of the classroom the moment the teacher dismissed us, not even allowing me to grab my bag. "You can get it later!"
This happens way too often, being dragged around by Haruhi like this. I hate it. I always get those smug, ignorant smiles that think they know something more than they do from people who spot us. But I've sort of grown accustomed to them by now. Though it still upsets my insides, it's not as bad as it was the first few times, receiving all those lewd and disapproving looks. I really can't help but think of those people as anything but the dumbest beings to ever trudge the world because of their misinterpreting looks, but in all honesty, if I was looking at this myself, I would probably be looking at the poor fellow being dragged around with the same snide grin as everyone else.
"First ones here I see..." Haruhi muttered as she walked into the clubroom, only now releasing her hold on me. "Not even Yuki here yet..."
It's odd how empty the place feels without her just sitting in the corner reading.
"So..." Haruhi sat back in her chair at the computer, putting her legs next to it on the table, and placing her hands behind her head as she leaned backwards, giving me an almost private looking stare. "What do you think?"
About what? Your legs? Context, woman!
"The play."
Really stupid. That's all I have to say. There's not even a plot as far as I can tell. Just some random scenes that, quite frankly, aren't anywhere near as epic as you like to proclaim them to be. The thing's just an overblown collection of 'cool' things. It's like you're trying too hard.
"I can't help but feel that something's a bit off, like we're missing something."
It's called focus, but you've always been a bit lacking in that department, so it's no surprise nothing cohesive is coming out of this nonsense.
"Hmmm... maybe it's the pirates... there's just something that... they're kind of lacking..."
Haruhi fell into a silent reverie, her eyes wandering upwards. I took a seat at the big table, not sure if I should say something or not. An unnatural quiet settled between the two of us. Usually she'd keep yapping about something inane, but now she was just sitting there, thinking. Whenever she got silent like this, it was usually because of a slight bout of depression, but she was just thinking now. There were obviously no dark clouds in her mind.
For ten minutes the two of us just waited until the others showed up, carrying boxes.
"Whooo~weee~! That's heavy!" Tsuruya-san said, stretching her back after she put her box down. "Geez, where was the strapping young lad Kyon when we actually needed him for once?"
Hey, I could have come and helped, but our leader here dragged me to have a highly productive little chat.
Haruhi had already leapt from her seat the moment the others had entered and now had her head buried in the first box.
"Hey, hey! These aren't sabers! These are just katanas!"
Haruhi pulled out one of the three brown paper wrapped swords, pulling away the paper she'd already partially ripped as she'd been expecting the thing. Indeed, it was a black lacquer sheathed katana, lacking any sort of guard. For a katana, it seemed to be exceptionally straight, though it still had a slight curve to it that definitely made it still a katana. The slick and beautiful weapon was unsheathed with a surprisingly slow and reverent motion by Haruhi, who along with everyone else in the room, was spellbound by the shining blade's appearance. The sword actually sang, 'shiiiing!', as it entered the world of light, making the light dance against its shimmering blade.
Wait, these aren't actual swords, are they?
Haruhi held the sword vertically, close to her face for inspection. Then without any warning, she swung it with blinding speed, slicing the air. A hiss escaped, almost like the very atoms in the air had been cut. She then brought the blade back to her face, holding it at an angle, raising her other hand, a thumb outstretched, ready to –
Hey, careful! You might cut yourself!
Without any sign of hesitation, Haruhi ran her thumb across the blade's full edge in one fast, fluid motion.
I actually cringed a little at the sight.
"Ee~e~e~eeh!" Asahina-san mumbled, all color having left her face, wobbling uncertainly as her eyes rolled up in her sockets.
"Hh. Like I thought, you could barely cut butter with it," Haruhi muttered, sounding rather disappointed at not having the tip of her thumb sliced off.
Tsuruya-san, who had crept behind Asahina-san as she'd whimpered weakly, now supporting the frail girl from behind, said indignantly, "Well, yeah, of course. What did you expect? They're just props. But they use those in movies and real plays. Top grade. I just couldn't find any western swords, well, except for some genuine medieval European claymores, but even my family wasn't willing to pay that much just for rental. They really didn't want to give them up, the selfish buggers."
"That's fine..." Haruhi muttered, still captivated by the blade's shine as she turned it about in her hands, reflections of light flittering across it like butterfly wings. "We'll think of something..."
"C'mon, Mikuru-chan, work with me," Tsuruya-san whispered in the stunned girl's ear. "Let's get you a seat."
As Tsuruya-san dragged Asahina-san towards the table, I pulled up a chair for her. Tsuruya-san whispered thanks, but the way she looked at me as she did so, made me feel like I had done something wrong.
"Anyway," Tsuruya-san said loudly, turning around to face Haruhi with her hands on her hips, "There's enough fabric to make costumes for all the terracotta soldiers in China!"
Please, there's enough hyperbolic crap in the air thanks to Haruhi that you really don't need to add to it.
Clack!
Haruhi swiftly re-sheathed the sword, leaving it in her hand as she walked around the boxes, inspecting them from above. "Good work. We'll start fitting costumes today." Her eyes slowly moved away from the boxes and travelled up to mine, giving me a severe look. "Looks like you'll have to find some way to entertain yourself for the day."
Huh? What do you mean?
"We've made a lot of allowances for you, but here we have to draw the line with a lecherous rube like you," Haruhi brought the sheathed sword's tip to my throat with masterful swiftness and precision, breaking into a dirty smile. "No free admissions to the peep show!"
– Peep show –
I was in a large, dark room, with what smelled like cigarette smoke billowing about. Because it was so dark, my eyes were first drawn to the stage where the spotlights were focused. As my eyes adjusted to the low light, I could see small booths with people sitting in them, all of them watching the stage expectantly.
"It's about to start," Haruhi said, standing next to me in a long, tight red dress with a large open cut running down her side, revealing most of her slender leg and a generous amount of a curved hip. "We should get a spot to sit in."
I looked around and noticed that Nagato was standing on my other side, wearing a grey coat that looked like it had been made of felt with great big white buttons on it, wearing a grayish bell-shaped cloche hat to complete her humble ensemble. In fact, now that I could see better in the dim gloom, it seemed like everyone was in wardrobe stolen from the 1930's or something, maybe even earlier. It almost looked like I was in an old gangster movie. Even I had a trench coat on and the hat that I took off my head reminded me of something a sleuth, a private eye might wear. I think it might have been a fedora.
"My best girl's just about to step on stage. Trust me, you don't want to miss it," Haruhi said, placing a white gloved hand, a glove so long it went up past her elbow, onto my shoulder with dainty care, ready to lead me off, but at that moment the burgundy curtains on stage were pulled back and what looked like a giant pink peacock's tail feathers were revealed. I looked closer at the revealed entity, and noticed a pair of sexy legs supporting them. My eyes travelled upward along the curves to the long feathers that moved, revealing the coyly peaking eyes of Asahina-san on the other side.
'Alternate simulation memory autonomously activated. Attempting to return to relevant simulation memory.'
– "So… are you still trying out pirate outfits?" I asked.
"What do you think?" Haruhi asked, annoyance starting to increase to dangerous levels. She was now clad in the high heels taken from her bunny costume, stockings with black and white lines across them, a skirt that barely qualified as a skirt due to its enticingly short length, a white loose sleeved shirt that had been cut short to highlight her taut stomach, with a tight little leather vest holding up her nice breasts together, making them… you know… like really nice breasts, breasts you would want to ask over for coffee sometime and get to know them better over some idle chit-chat.
Is that anger I detect in her voice for failing to see the obvious, or angry sarcasm at my stupid, ignorant question? …Oh boy… Fifty-fifty odds… either it's clearly a pirate costume or it's not. If this was any other person on Earth, I'd feel confident in saying it wasn't a pirate costume, but with Haruhi…
"I think you're still missing the big hat…" I made the gamble.
Haruhi huffed indignantly, turning away as she strode off back towards the clubroom, hips swaying like a pendulum with each step. Just like in her sexy bunny suit, Haruhi was confidently striding about in high heels, making the autopilot within the vestigial reptilian remains of my monkey brain follow her mesmerizing backside like a loyal dog. I couldn't help but wonder how she'd learned to walk so well with stilettos, as the magazine I'd found and read out in the hall had made them seem like horrid torture devices. But Haruhi of course wouldn't let anyone tell her how to dress, act and think, no matter from which side of the liberal/conservative axis the guidelines came from…
I'd really been doing too much reading, hadn't I?
I put the 'girly' magazine I had found lying about in the halls down (though having read the thing, calling it girly was probably just my 'typical misogynistic male brain' at work as the bloody thing had taught me prejudiced care) and followed Haruhi into the clubroom. As I entered I found Nagato hitching up her skirt. Fair skin was held revealed for a brief moment as Nagato stopped to observe the new arrival, but soon the milky thigh was hidden again as the skirt was pulled up the rest of the way indifferently, like there hadn't even been an interruption.
Gulp.
"Hmm, let's see… panty peeking, that'll cost you a full meal for all of us, seconds for the leader of the club if she should so desire," Haruhi, who was now sitting in her usual spot with her arms crossed and now rolling a toothpick she'd found somewhere in her mouth casually, said like she was going through some sort of price list in her mind.
All eyes were on me now, as I stood up straight, trying to slow my breathing. It sure wasn't as easy as I'd thought, due to the increased skin that was showing around the clubroom. Haruhi had removed her leather vest, and had thus revealed to the world the surprisingly large v-cut in her loose shirt. Asahina-san was draped in nothing but a roll of dark green fabric that had been adorned with atypical sequins as far as I could tell, little shoulders in the open air while bare feet poked out from underneath a hem that barely reached her knees. It all seemed to be held together on her body by a few pins and Tsuruya-san, who still had some pins in her mouth in apropos to her role as the costume designer, but for some reason lacking the top half of her school uniform, sporting instead only a yellow laced bra.
"That's triple dessert for everyone as well," Haruhi stated, starting to look a lot colder at me.
"Huh?" I peeled my eyes away from the alluring combo of scantily-clad Asahina-san and Tsuruya-san.
"Bra-browsing."
"Uhh… Sorry. I'll try and keep my eyes closed." I simply don't have enough money to handle too many worthwhile investments at the same time.
I heard a displeased huff from Haruhi but decided it was better to keep my eyes closed than risk anything. But after a while, when no more derisive sounds or even genuine insults were coming my way, I slowly creaked open my eye. In the corner of my eye, I could see that Tsuruya-san had unfortunately decided to put back on the top of her school uniform. But if I turned my head ever so slightly, eased my eye just a tiny bit more to the side, I should be able to catch a glimpse of… where the hell did Asahina-san go?
Instead of getting a nice peek of Asahina-san, I instead was treated to a sight I had already seen. It wasn't as such a boring thing to see, but I had already gotten quite a good look at Haruhi's shapely butt as she'd strode in. Now the girl had taken Asahina-san's place in the mirror and was looking at her image, eyes narrowed in careful judgment as she shifted her weight from one leg to the other.
"There's something off here…" Haruhi muttered as she seized herself up in the mirror that had been set up for the tailoring.
"Mmm," Tsuruya-san hummed affirmatively, spare pins and needles in her mouth, as her eyes fleeted back and forth between Haruhi and her image in the mirror, chin cupped thoughtfully in one hand.
"You know what? I've come to a decision," Haruhi declared after a short pause.
"Yeah?" Tsuruya-san asked eagerly, pulling out a pin from her mouth, ready to make whatever new changes were demanded of her.
"Forget the pirates, we're doing samurai."
"Huh? But what about our swashbuckling adventure?" Tsuruya-san asked, looking practically horrified by this new idea. The soft little tinkling of falling pins against the floor accompanied her shocked voice as all of them slipped loose from her lips.
"What do you mean? Samurai were the swashbucklers of feudal Japan, or knights or whatever. All we've really done is changed the setting. All stories are really the same in the end, always the same themes deep down. The only real differences are just the superficial parts like setting and plot twists. Otherwise it's all been done a gazillion times before."
"But… I really wanted to do pirates…" To put the disappointment in Tsuruya-san's voice into metaphor, I would have had to paint a picture of kittens sitting on marshmallow clouds with a rainbow behind them crying over spilled milk to get the right emotion across. It was sickeningly endearing in a pathetic way.
"…Fine, if you want, you can be a ronin who makes her living by stealing from others."
"But…"
"And you can have as big a hat as you want."
"Yes!" Tsuruya-san gave her fist a little pump in the air. "We'll say I took it from a pirate!"
"All of this will have to be dumped, I'm afraid, for the play itself at least. We might be able use this stuff for spreading the word. You know, promotion. Sex sells and the world is full of hormone driven rabble."
Haruhi kicked off her high heels before she strode towards her seat of power. "Can't understand what the sex appeal is in these things anyway…" Haruhi glanced at me in a discontented manner.
I just gave her a little shrug, not having any inclination to argue against the statement. There were plenty of things that didn't make sense to me in the world but still seemed to be the case. Arguing about why girls seemed even hotter in heels would have been as difficult for me as explaining why water expanded when it froze instead of compacting like other substances. All I knew was that this was the case for both things and I was happy enough the world was so. The world luckily just worked that way.
"Maybe I should just leave for today. It doesn't seem like I'm needed here at all," I said, unsure if I wanted to receive anymore unpleased gazed from Haruhi.
Haruhi huffed loudly as she flopped into her chair, once again crossing her long legs, now accentuated by her stockings, onto her desk as she crossed her arms. "Sure, why not. I was thinking of keeping you around to help in some input, but seeing as we're gonna redo everything," Haruhi glanced at Tsuruya-san who was now measuring the thigh of a trembling Asahina-san, "we probably won't have anything to show any time soon."
I bow before your newfound wisdom, oh great sage. Now if you don't mind, I'll be getting out of here. The only thing that could have allowed me to stay was a fee I did not want to pay anyway. In fact, I didn't even want to find out what it entailed. Then again, now that she wasn't changing herself, Haruhi seemed to have completely forgotten about the 'peep show rules'. But I couldn't stay in good conscience. The way Asahina-san was blushing merely by having her perfect figure measured with me around made me feel bad enough. Quite honestly, such a showing of a girl shouldn't be offered so easily. I feel as though I've cheated in a game.
– Showing – Perfect Figure –
Suddenly I was back where I should be, the whole SOS Brigade gathered within our cozy clubroom with nothing out of the ordinary, standing about in a circle, mostly looking rather confused.
"Wha-what the hell's going on?" Nagato asked, peeking in under her school uniform's collar. "…I'm a lot… smaller."
I looked down and noticed a rather familiar looking curvature to my body. I looked up, and through the faint reflection of the window on the opposite side of the room, could see a shocked Haruhi staring back at me. I looked down again at the body that seemed to be the same as the one I had seen in the window's reflection.
Nagato turned about, trying to seize a good look at her body in a way a dog might chase its own tail, her hands roaming unashamedly across her supple body. I was starting to suspect that, though she certainly looked like Nagato, the person exploring her nubile body – now facing away from me, but peeking under her skirt – was not in fact Nagato, but might very well be… Haruhi in Nagato's body…?
I actually had to restrain myself from doing a similar inspection of my own body, that is, of Haruhi's body. Just because I'm in a girl's body, doesn't mean I have to figure out what each nook and cranny is for, because let's face it, if I didn't know what they were for by now… I might as well go live in the mountains and become a hermit. Besides, touching Haruhi's body inappropriately would probably garner the owner's wrath, and this mess was already chaotic enough without a tantrum from Haruhi. If that was indeed Haruhi in Nagato's body.
Haruhi on the other hand, although she was still inside a body of her own gender, apparently couldn't keep her hands to herself. "This is so weird," she said, cupping Nagato's little breasts and giving them a jiggle as she turned around, eyes tightly focused on her new assets.
I looked about, away from the Nagato who had pulled up her skirt and was now giving her clenched butt cheeks a squeeze, trying to peer over her shoulder at her new set of gluteal muscles, hoping to find someone to explain this new insanity to me, but only found to my weak horror, that Koizumi was sporting a terrified face, hands held to his mouth, eyes tearing up. It was… weird. Was it… Asahina-san? Koizumi – or maybe Asahina-san, at least I hoped it was indeed Asahina-san making those weird faces on Koizumi's face – was also trying to hold his thighs together in that quaint way of Asahina-san's whenever she was nervous, but kept repositioning his – her? – damn it, this is confusing! – legs all the time.
Asahina-san's body was simply standing still, completely devoid of any expression on the usually explicitly emotional face. Seeing Asahina-san watching us all in almost lethargic and apathetic manner was extremely disconcerting to see.
I, that is, my body, was also inspecting itself, mainly by giving his hands a look over and then running one of them through his new hair, looking extremely reflective throughout all of it. Seeing my own body from the outside and at a lower angle than ever, as whenever I had looked at myself as objectively as possible it had been through a mirror at eye level, felt pretty damn weird to put it lightly. Had I always had that mole on my neck?
"Just what's going on here?" Nagato (most likely Haruhi inside) asked, brows scrunched as she ran her middle finger up between her buttocks.
I looked down at my new body again, a pair of round breasts staring up at me. I looked up again at Nagato who was giving her cute little butt an experimental pat. I then glanced at the others again, all of them except for the creepy Asahina-san preoccupied with their new bodies.
So… why not? Everyone else is doing it. I can hardly be blamed, can I?
I gave the left breast a tentative poke of my finger.
Huh…
This is so weird. I have… things on my chest now… So weird.
Poke.
…
Poke.
Squishy.
…
I looked around once again, but no one seemed to be paying me any attention. Everybody seemed to be just as preoccupied with their new bodies as me, though some less than others and some far more than was necessary.
Ah, what the hell. I gave my new breasts a good squeeze.
…
…
…Wow. That was… nice, really nice. I wonder if I could –
"Kyon! What the hell?" I heard Nagato's usually monotone voice shout scarily at me.
Oh shit.
With blazing fury in her eyes, Nagato was marching towards me in a threatening fashion, little hands curling into tightly clenched fists.
I backed into the door behind, my left hand shifting into frantic automatic mode to search for the handle to escape, while my right hand did its best to give its compatriot the time it needed by rising up and waving about in order to stop the terrifying Nagato approaching me. She was small after all. Maybe I'd be able to catch her by the head and hold her off like in those stupid cartoons, with her fists flailing ineffectually while I held her at a distance by the forehead.
"Cause of error has been detected and rectified," Asahina-san said flatly, interrupting the moment just as Nagato was nearing me with a menacing spring to her step, like she was getting ready to leap at me. "Standby for emergency reboot and recalibration."
–
'Stress levels elevated. Bridging memory of recalibration with instance of free association to allow for less strenuous return to relevant scenario memory.'
–
Haruhi was now trying to make Asahina-san's outfit hotter by essentially pulling it apart. Tsuruya-san was part of the clamor, amidst the loudly barked orders from Haruhi and the squealing from Asahina-san, at first protesting the reworking of her design, having put a lot of effort into it apparently, but soon she was on Haruhi's side as well, picking and pulling at the dwindling outfit. Soon, you couldn't make the claim it had once been a respectable piece of clothing without getting a laugh out of people.
"Less is more! Less is more!" the two demented girls chanted as they went about their mischief.
"NoOoOoOoOooo…" Asahina-san wailed pathetically.
"I'll, uh, wait outside, okay?"
Nobody seemed to either hear me or care. Perhaps I could just stay here. But then Asahina-san had to give me such a tearful and pleading look I felt I had no choice but to step outside the clubroom, muffling the exciting clamor as I shut the door behind me.
"Phew."
Just how am I supposed to focus like this anyway? Maybe I really should have Koizumi drawl on in my head all the time to slow the pace down.
…
Yeah, like that would ever be a genuine option. I might as well try shooting myself in the foot and see if that helps.
But then again, saving the world from being not thought of for too long or whatever was going to take a lot more concentration than I could muster, it seemed. I can't believe I'm going to even think this, but…
Deep breath…
…
I hope there's a lot less partial nudity in the future.
…
Right. Now I feel dirty and disgusted with myself. Nice. The Integrated Data Sentient Entity is truly pure evil.
Haruhi may have known the textbook definition of tragedy, but I would have argued my fate right now was a prime example of it. Instead of messing about with Aristotle and Noh-plays, we should be adapting my life right now for the stage. At least half of the audience would have had a cathartic experience along with my suffering as I played out my role as the perennial Fool.