A/N: I'll make this note quick.. My usual thanks to my pre-readers: Mandi, Dawn, Sandy and Nikki- love for all the support... To Pixiekat my beta... words are not enough for all my love and gratitude! *mwah*
*hands out Kleenex* You're gonna need these... ENJOY.. I'll see you at the end... *runs*
Ch 36
BPOV
The night before I was set to leave all I could do was toss and turn. I couldn't get comfortable and my mind was racing a million miles a minute. Part of me never wanted the sun to rise and another was frantic for it to shine so it could get the hell back to New York. I wracked my brain, words spiraling in no set direction, as to how I'd say goodbye to Edward. No matter what I did, it hurt. It hurt me, it hurt him.
About three am I finally got out of bed, desperate to find a way to sleep. I crept my way up to the main floor and into the kitchen where I made myself a cup of cocoa, complete with mini marshmallows. With cup in hand I made my way over to the little window seat that overlooked the backyard. My head thumped against the glass. I had no idea how I was going to survive tomorrow.
There were no words adequate enough to describe the turmoil I was feeling. Edward had me all tied up in knots and I loved and loathed it. I could feel the tears prickling at the corner of my eyes. I was well and truly realizing what a major cluster fuck I'd created.
"Bella?" My aunt's voice pierced the quiet of the dark room.
I wiped at my eyes and took a quick sip of my drink. "What're you doing up, Auntie?"
"I could ask you the same thing." In her hands was a soft throw blanket and wordlessly she wrapped it around me, kissing my head in the process. That small act of tenderness was all it took for the floodgates to break and for tears and body wracking sobs to start.
"Oh, Bella," exclaimed my Aunt seconds before she wrapped me up in her arms. She shushed me while smoothing her hands along my head. "Is this about Edward?" Her innocent question sparked a new round of tears.
"I messed it all up, Aunt Cyn, so bad. I don't know what to do. No matter what, someone's going to get hurt. I didn't mean for that to happen."
"No, of course you didn't, sweetie." She continued to calm me down, rocking me slowly. "Do you love him, Bella?" she asked after a few minutes of soothing silence.
Her question stopped me short. Did I love him? I didn't know. I'd worked hard to avoid allowing any deep-seated emotions into the arrangement we created. I was certain somewhere along the line Edward's feelings changed, I was just too much of a coward to find out what they were.
"I don't know, Auntie C. I really don't. I just wanted to enjoy the summer, be with Edward. No emotions, no string attached, no nothing. It's too soon… I'm not ready" It was the best answer I could give her.
She hugged me closer, as if she could put me back together by the force of her embrace alone. "Love has no timetable, baby girl. But you need to fully say goodbye to Quil before starting anything with Edward or anyone else. Whomever he may be, he deserves your whole heart, not just part of it." She then tipped my head up to look at her. "But hear this. What happened with Quil was a horrible, tragic accident. Don't use it as a reason not to open up your heart. You may get hurt again, but when you find the one, it'll be worth every pain and heartache."
Not another word was said. She held me until I finally fell asleep. In the morning, she helped me finish my last minute packing. Not much was said by anyone. I was grateful that I wasn't expected to hold a conversation, but the silence gave me too much time with my thoughts. Alice held my hand the whole drive to the airport and I appreciated support. I knew she still felt partly to blame for the mess I was in and part of me agreed.
When we arrived, I wanted to vomit. My stomach was a riot of nerves and when I saw Edward standing inside, I wanted to run the opposite direction. He gave me a weak smile and I think I gave him one back. I felt his eyes on me as I checked in and checked my luggage. Gone was the carefree lightness and I hated the heavy tension in the air as our little group walked silently toward him.
I said goodbye once more to my Aunt and Uncle, thanking them profusely for everything. They reminded me that they'd see me at Thanksgiving down at my mom's house. When they left, Alice gave me a sorrowful look.
"Want me to head to the gate?"
I shook my head. "No," I mumbled. She squeezed my hand and went to wait by some chairs as I shuffled my feet toward Edward. When he grabbed my hands and began to stroke the skin, tears clouded my vision. I opened my mouth to speak, still not sure what I was going to stay, but knowing I had to say something.
But his finger on my lips stilled my frantic mind. His green eyes were warm and soft. The familiar little smile I grew to adore, graced his lips and just like that, a calmness settled over me.
"Don't say anything okay." He paused and looked at me expectantly. I nodded, thankful for the reprieve. "There is nothing to say, no apologies …nothing but thank you. Thank you for the most amazing summer I'll never forget with the person I don't ever want to forget."
When he kissed my lips one last time I couldn't help but let the tears fall. When he pulled away to breathe, I cupped his face and stared back into his eyes. "Thank you, Edward, for everything." I pulled him in for another hug, inhaling his scent, and committing it to memory.
Walking away from him was hard, sitting in the airplane feeling the miles that pulled us apart was harder, but seeing our apartment where nothing reminded me of Edward, that was the worst. I let out the tears and the cries of frustration I'd been holding back since I walked away from him. It wasn't supposed to be like this, I wasn't supposed to feel like this.
Alice, bless her heart, just held me tight as I cried. She didn't say a word, just rocked me and kept up a continual supply of Kleenex. Eventually the tears stopped, but the ache in my heart persisted. I knew that there was nothing left to do but one foot in front of the other. Once day, my heart wouldn't hurt so much.
In melancholy silence we unpacked our clothes, thankful we didn't have piles to wash as Auntie made sure everything was clean. As I was checking my carry on to make sure it was empty, I noticed one of the side pockets was only zipped half way. Not remembering if I'd put anything in there, I opened it to check. Reaching my head inside I found an envelope. I gasped when I saw my name, in Edward's loopy scrawl, on the front.
My mind recoiled and I knew I wasn't ready to deal with whatever he'd written. So like the coward I was, I threw it into the top drawer of my desk. I told myself that the summer was over, which meant we were over. It was time I dealt with that reality. Reading that letter would've only hindered my ability to move on. So I pushed all thoughts of Edward and the letter aside. It was the way it had to be.
A/N: How are we? Need more Kleenex? As you guessed it.. the storm is here.. things are going to be stormy for a while.. buckle up my sweets!
A few quick notes.. with the upcoming holiday weekend.. the teasers will be posted tomorrow.. as I'll be out of town on Sat until Mon.. which means Monday's post will delayed until Tuesday.. and then my regular post on Thursday. Check out the FB group as I posted 2 pictures that fit this chapter. OK.. time to hit the review button... let me hear all you have to say... or if you need a shoulder to cry on...