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Self Insertion
Chapter 36
Janitor
Evan woke up on the couch in the Tendo dojo with a mild hangover. *It was a good night last night... minus that whole, explaining thing.... oh well... *
Just then Josh came down from his room which he now shared with the Saotomes since Nabiki divorced him and now hates his guts. "Hey Evan what's up?" he asked as he scratched his tail.
"Nuttin" Evan replied groggily. "Just woke up.... how's divorcing mister loverboy?"
Josh frowned as he pulled out some Oat filled Oaty Oh's and poured a bowl. "Could be worse. Nabiki hates me but she's keeping quite. Ranma's nice and puts out a hell of a lot."
"You're a slut, you know that right?" Evan said with a grin. "I've trained you well."
Josh looked thoughtful and shrugged. "Y'know now that I think of it it probably WAS your fault that I"m a raving sex fiend... most everything else is your fault."
"And you are just figuring that out?" Evan said scratching his head and yawning. "I mean, I even got you engaged to Nabiki and stuff... but at least I'm not slutty McSlutslut."
Josh looked thoughtful again for the second time that day. "Let's see. I've had Kasumi, Nabiki, Ranma, and that's it. You've had Blink, and, Oh yeah! ALL THOSE WHORES IN CHINA!!"
Evan cringed as he remembered his first sexual experience on this journey. "Let's not bring that up shall we?... but at least my 'experiences' have been outside of the main cast.... for the most part." Evan smiled. "I'm not screwing up the time line... unlike _some people_"
Josh shrugged. Once Again, a movement that lately he's become obsessed with. "You also screwed a bunch of Japanese whores."
"Huh? I don't remember that one Hamham."
"No? Well I do... they chased you all over town hamburger dick!" Josh retorted.
"Huh...... um.... at least I didn't hit my head, get kidnaped by some crazy bitch and try to marry her while being married to another girl.... Gak Face."
Josh looked confused. "Huh? I don't remember that."
"Course, you had amnesia.... but it was still you who did it." Evan paused, thinking of the appropriate insult. "Pee-brain."
Josh growled. "YEAH!!?!?!? WELL YOU WERE A VAMPIRE AND KILLED HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE!!! THEN YOU WEREN'T AND YOU KILLED HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE!!!"
Evan shrugged. "At least I'm consistent."
Josh finished eating his Oat filled Oaty Oh's and then pulled out a box of Prune flake encrusted Bran Bombs. "Yeah well. I like Ranma better than Nabiki. I think it's a good thing that I cheated on her and screwed Ranma. She's a lot damn nicer and doesn't lie all the time..."
"Yeah... but Nabiki wasn't originally a guy... a major plus in my books.... those prune things aren't safe..... you know that right?"
Josh rolled his eyes. "Shut up! You ARE the one who's currently trying to get into Akane's pants remember?" Josh then devoured his entire bowl of Prune Flake Encrusted Bran Bombs in one in one bite. He paused for a moment. "I have to poop."
"Figures." Evan said as Josh hurried to the bathroom, clutching his ass for dear life. "I haven't seen that in a while.... actually... I don't remember EVER seeing that..... and I never want to again...... eww." Evan shrugged and tried to get up... but found the couch to comfortable. "MUST..... RESIST..... COUCH!!!!!!!" With that, Evan pushed himself forcefully off the couch and landed on his face. "Floor so comfy.... MUST RESIST.... FLOOR!!!!!" With that Evan got up, brushed himself off and went into the kitchen to make breakfast. He found some sugary sugar tarts and cream. He poured himself a bowl and sat down on the counter. "COUNTER SO...SOFT!!! MUST.....RESIST....COUNTER!!!!!" Evan then ate his cereal with the name thing and fell asleep.
Josh rushed into the bathroom and stopped cold when he realized that it was in use. By Nabiki, who had just undressed to get ready for her bath. Josh shrugged and paid her and her shocked expression no mind and dropped his pants, sitting down on the toilet and letting it all out. "OHHH YEAH!!!!"
Nabiki screamed at Josh. "GET OUT YOU PERVERTED FREAK!!!!"
"No." Josh stated. "Have to poop."
Nabiki decided that the best course of action was to continually beat Josh over the head with soap on a rope and other bathroom items.
Josh just responded with a steady plop plop plop sound.
****************
Later that day the three Ranmas, Genma, Soun, Josh, Evan, Kasumi, Nodoka, and Nabiki all sat around the living room table having a household meeting.
Soun frowned as he looked upon al present at the table and began to talk. "Now I'm sure you've all got some recollection as to why we might be having this meeting here today."
Most of the people nodded.
"It has been brought to my attention that the arrival of our two latest house guests has brought nothing but trouble." He began. Josh and Evan looked at each other a little sheepishly, knowing full well that they were the cause of this meeting. "Between Josh's marriage and Divorce to my second daughter, and Evan-san's constant drunken state and pant less ness. This house has fallen into disarray chaos."
"I'll watch out for Evan a lot closer." Josh said. "Please don't kick us out! We've... WE'VE GOT NO PLACE ELSE TO GOOOO!!!"
"AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO REEEAD!!!" Evan paused. "Actually, I'm lying... I read like a fox."
Josh promptly punched Evan in the side of the face, sending him through the back wall, accidentally destroying an important structural support beam of the house and collapsing the whole west side of the Tendo's family home. "Oops."
Soun's ears appeared to be steaming now and he burst out into his demon head attack. "GET OUT!!! NOW!!!!!" He screamed at the blue skinned and cold skinned boys.
With that Evan walked up to Soun, glared into his eyes and smiled. He turned around and said. "Hey... what happened to your house?"
Josh and Evan quickly found themselves in low earth orbit moments later. They landed... gently. Josh using his teleporting to stop any painful splattings. And Evan made a slide out of ice... and twirled TWIRLED to freedom!(ahem)
"Well this is a predicament... my girlfriend is pregnant and I'm now living on the streets. I could sleep at the University... y'know... since I teleport." Josh stated, more talking to himself than to Evan who was now walking on his hands around Josh.
"I could just go to my apartment." Evan said as he started to cartwheel around Josh.
Josh extended one of his three fingered hands and grabbed Evan's shirt as he went by, pulling him so that he was face to face. "What do you mean apartment?" He asked. Using a tone that insisted Evan mind what he says next.
"Josh? You didn't know I owned a apartment complex? I mean, I put all my pocket universe crap in the rooms I don't rent...." He noticed Josh's odd expression. "What? You thought I just got drunk all the time?" When Josh nodded yes Evan shrugged. "Well.... um.... I was drunk when I bought it.... so I guess your right.... but hell. It worked out in the end anyway eh?.... Patcha?"
Josh let go of Evan and stood up. "Well at least you have good timing this time. Show me where it is. I should probably phone Ranchan and let her know where we are."
"Well Ok... but you're going to have to pay rent.... I don't want none of you freeloaders."
Josh glared at Evan... "Just remember who pays for your booze most of the time."
" I do... I mean... I just steal your money. But I pay the guy at the bar.... so I pay for my beer." Evan retorted.
"I'm not paying rent. If you try to make me... I'll make life very unpleasant for you. I could spread a rumor that would quickly find it's way to... Oh I don't know say... Akane?"
Evan pondered this for a minute. (A whole minute) "Hmm... well... no rent... but I don't want you bitching like that chick in 234 who says there is a tank barrel pointing at her door all day. That lady is psycho... I mean.... I keep my tank in the room across from her. But I don't know what tank barrel she's talking about... what a BITCH. But I locked her in her room with a rabid monkey and some bananas tied to her youngest child..... I think I solved that problem." Evan stopped. "But she keeps screaming for some reason....." Evan started to walk towards the apartment saying. "WHINE WHINE WHINE, BITCH BITCH BITCH," And repeating it like a mantra till Josh punched him.
*************
Josh looked around the apartment complex that Evan bought. It was relatively large and had plenty of rooms. Since he didn't have to pay taxes and stuff cause of his government job as an assassin he could make a lot of money off of the rent alone. "So Evan?" Josh started as they entered the place. "How many of the rooms are you renting out?"
Evan looked thoughtful and then began counting on his fingers... he was taking a long time and Josh just let it go figuring it was at least 40 rooms. "About five." Evan said.
Josh face faulted. "W...What!?"
"Five."
"I HEARD YOU!!!" Josh screamed. "What's in all the other rooms!?"
"Stuff."
"What kind of stuff?" Josh inquired. Looking quite exasperated.
"Oh... stuff I picked up on our travels.... a Sherman Tank.... a 50 caliber rifle.... or ten.... and N2 mines.... and a chick.... and a kitty.... named Fluffy.... and some more stuff.... and some other things..... plus.... um...."
Josh cut him off. "ALL RIGHT!! I get. The idea. Let's just go!"
With that they went into the building, heading for the room that they'd be sharing from now on. "Now you can have this room.... and live with me.... or you can have the room that is lined with N2 mines.... now I know it's kinda dangerous.... and you really can't open the door for fear of leveling most of Japan and a bit of the Western coast."
"I'll STAY HERE!! I'LL STAY HERE! Just... could you at least put the N2 mines in your pocket universe so that they don't blow up? We're not as invulnerable as we used to be." Josh stated.
"Huh.... I'm not invulnerable? I haven't been hurt yet by anything other than you... and that's normal.... and I haven't been blown into little tiny pieces and red mist yet.... so I think your lying. And the N2 mines STAY!!! I LOVE THEM AND THEY ARE NICE AND MAKE ME BREAKFAST AND HOLD MY HAIR BACK WHEN I'M PUKING AND CLEAN UP WHEN I DO OTHER THINGS!"
"Actually." Came a voice from behind them. Josh and Evan turned around confused at the interruption to see a woman standing there. "That's me who does all of those things for you Evan-san."
Josh looked confused. The woman looked to be about both he and Evan's age... She had long black hair that went down to the small of her back and was very Kasumi like. She was holding a broom and wore a blue and white dress. Josh looked to Evan. "Who's she?"
Evan looked thoughtful and shrugged. "Who are you?"
The girl looked a little perplexed and sighed. "It's me...Hibiya Chitose... you hired me to be the landlady and take care of your stuff."
Evan smacked his fist into his open palm and smiled. "Oh yeah!"
"You don't actually remember her do you?" Josh whispered to Evan." Evan just shook his head no.
Josh extended one of his hands to greet her and smiled. "It's nice to meet you Hibiya-san. I'm Josh. We'll be staying here from now on so you can expect to see more of us."
"You are such a whore." Evan muttered so that only Josh could hear.
Josh just frowned for a moment and then put on a happy smile again for Hibiya. "Well I'll see you later Kanrinnin-san I think we'll get set up now.
Hibiya nodded and turned away to leave as well. "It's good to meet you as well Josh-san." With that She left and Evan and Josh went into Evan's apartment.
******************
Ranma frowned as she sulked in her room at the Tendo Dojo. She could hardly believe that her fiancé had been kicked out. Only days after she had conceived at that. "It's not fair!" She muttered into the pillow that she was hugging close to herself.
Just then her ears perked up at the sound of her mother's voice coming from downstairs. "RANMA-CHAN!!"
Ranma dropped the pillow and curiously opened her door and peered out. "What is it Mom?" She asked.
"The phone is for you!"
"Be right down!" She called out before getting up and rushing down the stairs so as not to keep the person waiting for her. "Hello?" She asked as she picked up the phone from her mothers waiting hands.
"Hey Ranma." Josh said on the other end of the line.
Ranma's smile brightened and a nearby male Ranma frowned as he noticed her expression and realized who it was she was talking to. He turned to his twin brother and frowned. "She's talking to him again." He stated.
The other Ranma punched his fist and growled. "I can't believe we taght that bastard anything goes!" He then paused and looked up at his brother as their trains of thought crossed paths and collided mischievously.
"Y' know..." Started the other Ranma.
"We could... continue his training..."
"Give him some..."
"Advanced classes?"
"Yeah."
"Yeah!"
Back at the phone the female Ranma looked concerned. "Where are you sweety? Yo don't have a lot of money because of Evan's drinking problem. Are you at a payphone?"
"No." Josh stated at the other end. "It actually turns out that Evan makes some good money at his government job as an assassin and bought an entire apartments complex while he was drunk."
Ranma looked surpised. "Really?"
Josh nodded a movement that he did unconsciously that his companion couldn't actually see. "Yeah. He even hired a land lady and he doesn't even know it."
Ranma giggled, a sound that made both the male Ranmas in the neighboring room gag. "That's funny. So where is it?"
Josh gave Ranma the address for the apartment he and Evan were staying at and the room number. As, unbeknownst to he, she wrote it down carefully. They then exchanged parting pleasantries and hung up.
*************
Josh smiled as he looked out the windows as the sun began to set on the distant horizon. "Not a bad view at all." He muttered to himself. He then clutched his stomach as it growled hungrily. "My master commands and I obey." He stated cheerfully. He picked up a sweater to stave off the cold of night and called out to his best friend. "HEY!! I'M GOING OUT YOU WANT ANYTHING!?!" He questioned.
Evan's happy cry came back soon there after. "BEER!!! and BEER!! And FUNIONS!!! GET ME SOME OF THOSE TOFFY THINGS!!! AND A BURITO!!DON'T FORGET BEER!!!"
Josh rolled his eyes and walked out the door, deciding to take his sweet ass time in this task just to enjoy the silence of food shopping.
**************
Josh smiled as he walked back towards the apartment after he had finished picking up everything that he had set out for at the supermarket. He was currently munching on a bag of chips as he went along, just enjoying his walk. He turned his head at one point and noticed a back road that led to the apartment as well. "Never took that road before." He muttered to himself through a mouthful of chips. He shrugged his shoulders and the turned into the road. "Might as well."
Josh continued to smiled as he blissfully walked through the back road towards the Apartment complex that Evan had bought. He was busy humming a tune as he sipped in a coke through a straw. He walked past a heap of garbage on the curb and then froze as he realized that there was something odd in the pile.
Josh turned to the pile of garbage with a shocked expression on his face. "OH MY GOOOOD!!!!" He screamed.
***************
Evan frowned as he looked at his watch and noted the time. "Where's my beer?" He wondered as he looked up and glared at the door to the apartment.
Just then Josh burst into the room with what appeared to be a teenage girl in his arms, wrapped up in some sort of white cloth. "EVAN!!!" The blue elf like boy screamed as he ran inside followed by a concerned Hibiya following closely behind.
"Josh-san!" Hibiya called out trying to get his attention.
Josh turned towards her in a panick and yelled at her. "NOT NOW WOMAN!! I'VE GOT A LIFE TO SAVE!!"
Josh then set the, surprisingly, heavy yet lithe girl on the ground and brushed a three fingered hand through his hair. "What's wrong Clooney?" Evan asked.
"This poor girl was discarded in someone's garbage pile. She's still warm I think she has a chance!" Josh said before rolling up his sleeves and checking the girl's neck for a pulse. "No pulse! I'll need to perform C.P.R.!" He then plugged the girl's nose, tilted her chin up and placed his lips to hers breathing out trying to force air into her lungs. He then backed up and began pressing repeatedly on her chest. "LIVE DAMN IT! LIVE!!!"
"Josh -san..."
"DAMN IT!! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO SAVE A LIFE!?!?" He then turned to his friend. "Evan! Get me a scalpel three Dr. Peppers and a tooth brush STAT!!"
Evan nodded. "AY AY CAPTAIN!!" He then left and shortly after came back as Josh continued to try C.P.R. on the long blonde haired girl.
"STOP IT!!!" The scream broke Evan and Josh out of their panic and Hibiya stood there glaring at them. "Josh-san... I believe that girl is actually a robot. One of those Persocons that have been coming out lately."
Josh and Evan looked at the prone girl on the floor in confusion. "P...Persocon?" They stated together.
Hibiya-san nodded. "Yes. They're a near sentient robot slash personal computer. You can tell them by those outlets where their ears should be."
"Computer?" Evan stated. He then smiled "Cool!"
Josh looked down at the long blonde haired girl and just now noticed the ear like things. He reach a hand out and opened one up. Inside there was extendable wires and connectors much like on an average household computer. "Persocon?" He wondered out loud again looking towards Hibiya.
Hibiya nodded. "Yes. That's probably the most lifelike one I've seen yet. That's quite a find really. You're lucky to have just found such a high quality Persocon."
"You know now that you mention it..." Josh started. I do recall seeing other people with these things on their heads." He muttered motioning towards the ear like things.
Hibiya stood up and nodded to the two boys. "Well now that that crisis has been averted I'm going to go to finish up some cleaning before the night is done."
Josh nodded. "Hai! Arigato Kanrinin-san." Hibiya bowed slightly and exited the room, closing the door behind her.
****************
Later that night as Josh was searching for the on button on the new perso con that he now owned, Evan was talking on the phone with Akane. "How's it going drunky?" Evan asked.
"Not so loud... they might hear you!" Akane replied, trying to hush her drinking buddy.
Josh laughed. "It's kinda mean you put her on speaker phone dude."
Evan shrugged. "So... drunky.... hows drinking?"
"It's been different without you holding my hair back as I puke."
"How much did you drink woman!?!"
"7....cases.....of Jack Daniels...... straight..... with a vodka chaser..... and a side of beer."
Evan covered the phone receiver. He looked back at Josh with little heart thingies in his eyes. "I think I'm in love." He stated.
Josh pointed at the phone non-chalantly and said "Speaker phone."
Evan looked at Josh, looked at the phone and then at something on the ceiling. "Oh... crap..... I just admitted my undying love for Alky McAlk Alk."
"Speaker phone."
"FUCK!!! I KEEP DOING THAT!!!"
"And then some american beer... it tasted like water..."
"You're still talking?"
"Huh....yeah.... and some Peach Schnapps as a finisher..... with a little lemon thing.... that I didn't touch because it had no alcohol level." Akane responded.
"Oh..."
Josh sighed and started poking the persocon in random places. "That's sad.. He professed his love and she was talking to herself about beer to much to care."
Evan grinned and hung up the phone. "I miss...." Akane started before she was cut off. "I think I was supposed to call someone..... meh."
Josh sighed as he stared at the Personcon on the floor. "Where the crap is the on switch for this damn thing?" He then leaned back on the floor and stared up at the ceiling. "I've checked everywhere for a switch opf some sort..." Josh paused and then looked down at the Persocon's lower body. "It couldn't be..." Josh sat back up and lowered his hand down to the vaginal area of the persocon and touched it. He then jumped back in surprise. "WHAT THE CRAP!?!"
"Hah?" Evan stated looking up from his seventh beer. "Wash tha? Boh gob!" He then passed out and Josh looked at the prone Persocon in shock.
"She's anatomically correct!" Josh stated suprised.
Evan randomly got up again. "And Vaginally activated.... what.. You thought I had that weak a tolerance after all I've drunk? It takes a 24 these days.... and 600 american beers... I brush my teeth with those..... like water."
Josh shrugged and slowly inched towards the Persocon, gulping the lump in his throat as he prepared to check... deeper... for an on button. "Why does this feel so wrong?" He lamented.
From the background Evan cheerfully replied "ADULTERY!!"
Josh threw a Philipino sex midget at Evan. He then blinked. "Why do you own...?"
"Pretend you saw nothing... NOTHING!!!"
"Done AND done." Josh replied as Evan hid the midget under his pillow.
Josh then pushed one large nightcrawler finger(of pleasure) fingers deeper into the vagina of the human like robot. After a few minutes of searching her managed to find something and moments later heard a click and what sounded like a computer turning on. The girl began to glow white and make whirring sounds. "Whoa!"
The persocon stopped glowing and floating and then came back down, sitting up and with eyes open and aware. She looked over to Josh blankly. "Chii?" She questioned. Josh blinked and then both he and Josh looked down to where the blue boy's index finger was still buried within the folds of the persocon's vagina.
Josh then pulled it out and chuckled. "A heh. That's awkward." The persocon then jumped forward and hugged Josh... buck naked and saying Chii happily.
"I have trained you well Josh-chan....." Evan's ears perked up as he heard a knock at the door. "Visitor!.... hold that pose."
Before anyone could react Ranma-chan, nicely pregnant but not noticeably so.... yet (FORBODING!!!!... I got nothing) walked into the shared apartment, "Josh I bought some gro...." Ranma-chan dropped the bags of food and gapped at the scene in front of her. Fully apreciating the fact that a naked girl was mauling Josh, her 'supposed' lover...''.... Who was not reacting too badly to this mauling.... he seemed to almost be enjoying it in Ranma's sight.
In truth Josh looked like a deer caught in headlights...of seven mac trucks... with spikey grills... with I hate deer signs covering the bumpers.... surrounding him. "R...Ranma. It's... not what it seems...!"
"OOH Groceries." Evan said, picking them up off the floor, where Ranma dropped them and depositing them the on a nearby chair.
A single tear fell from Ranma baby blue eyes and she turned and fled. "I see how you really feel about our relationship... goodbye."
Evan put a hand out and screamed. "NO CRYING ON MY FLOOR!!" This went completely unnoticed by everyone but the sex midget.
Josh tried to chase after Ranma-chan as she ran away but was hindered by the persocon. "Ranma wai...! ARG!! This thing WEIGHS A TON!!!"
"That's no way to talk to a lady.... you just say... BIOTCH YOU FAT!!!"
Josh glared at Evan and teleported after Ranma unfortunately taking the persocon with him, which was getting lighter with each teleport. Josh caught up with her and grabbed onto her shoulder. She stopped and stared at him with tearful eyes. "Why?" She asked... she then noticed the naked anatomically correct persocon hanging off her fiance. "WHAT'S SHE DOING THERE STILL!!!!" She screamed.
Josh sighed. "This thing is a robot." he said. "I found it today. It's the latest thing on the market, and this one is top of the line."
"WHAT A NORMAL GIRL LIKE ME'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!?!?" She screamed.
"NO!!" Josh screamed back. "I..." Josh then glared at the robot that didn't let go. "GET OFF!!" He screamed at the thing which for some reason complied. He sighed and looked at Ranma chan with loving eyes. "Ranma... You're the only girl for me... I think I may be falling for you." He stated... a little too dramatically.
Ranma leaned into his chest and stared up at him happily. "Really?" She asked.
Josh looked thoughtful. "Uhhh yeah... I mean... you seduced me easier than any other woman ever has. That's gotta say a lot." He stated.
Ranma smiled, taking that in as a positive, in stead of tentative, response. "Oh Josh! I love you TOO!!" She said throwing her arms around her lover and fiance.
The persocon then mimicked Ranma's movements and wrapped her arms around the both of them. "CHII!" It stated happily.
"The robot goes." Ranma stated with an annoyed glare.
And the woman in 243 screamed.
**************
author's notes. {Okay so here we are in SI. In the Ranmverse. We've got Ranma, Marvel, Chobits... what's next? I don't know do you Evan?}
(I have to write already... God your lazy..... and ... I still got nothing....)
{I also love my adultery! Yeah so who else thinks it';s messed up that I'm dating and screwing Ranma... or at least his girl half anyway. I mean who wouldn't? Asian chicks! Red haired ones. Yeah I'm somewhat of a pervert but that's why I'm going to Japan for 2 years. I'll write still though. I have my own computer now and I'll be getting internet with it soon as my parents buy me a router. Well that's all from me. Here's hoping that they actually do come out with anatomically correct persocons.}
(That's only cause Josh will never score with anything else..... except Filipino sex midgets.... I have a large stock of those..... for no reason at all..... none..... nope... no reason.... I use a lot of periods.... more periods than most women can ponder... which is a lot of periods judging by how bitchy most women get.... alot... and then some.... holy periods batman!!!.... speaking of batman.... coming soon!!! Someone will join the SI team!!!! But will he get shot... then avenged like that other guy!?!?!?!?!?...!?!?!?!..//. Probably not... but here's hoping! Anywho... Josh keeps telling me to write my own stuff like I used to but I just keep writing SI only cause I'm a lazy bastard .... I might write more Spiritual Misadventures, Josh's favorite of my heap of steaming fics.... I might make a webpage call heap of steaming.... It has a ring to it.... It sounds like crap. And I'm cut.)
Morden Night: mordennight@hotmail.com
http://mordennight.tripod.com
Agasaki Ishano: evanthewanderer@hotmail.com
http://heapofsteaming.tripod.com
Ciao