Recap:Sirius is in a motorbike accident, and has a brief fight with James about it; someone has attempted to kill Remus by sending him a cursed letter, but he recovers; James, stressed out by the Order, decides not to pursue a relationship with Lily due to his current emotional/mental instability; Remus and Lily reconnect; Sirius breaks the news of Marlene's death to Lily; he returns to Grimmauld Place and speaks with his mother.
and nothing but the truth
chapter thirty-seven
The morning is quiet and still, but there is a distinct stirring in the air, an unidentifiable sort of restlessness that makes the whole world, cool and murmuring with life, feel like spring.
A similar restlessness is blooming in Lily's heart, though an unhappy one, an acidic kind of anxiety that burns under her ribcage and tickles painfully at her emotions.
She is standing at the kitchen table in the Prewetts' home for one of the last meetings she will attend here. Order members crowd around, squeezing into chairs and pushing close to the table, close to Dumbledore, like he is a flame, and they are the moths. And the restlessness we speak of is because of those people, because of, among them, James. Sirius. And Remus.
Now she brushes her fingers against his, half to reassure him and half to reassure herself. He glances sideways and smiles.
Dumbledore, meanwhile, is saying something. His words are fuzzy and unpleasant in Lily's ears.
"For now," the wizard tells them, "we shall have to operate on a defensive basis."
Lily chances a look up. Across the room, James is listening intently, and Sirius – Sirius's mouth curls into a frown.
Before she can decipher this, however, Dumbledore adds:
"And I should like our members at Cardiff to move into a safe house."
"What?" This is James, and his tone is incredulous, almost harsh with surprise. It startles her out of her reverie and her focus instead turns on him, zoning in on his every word. "A safe house? Why?"
Beside her, Remus shifts uncomfortably.
"For the time being," Dumbledore explains as if to a child, "it is prudent for the three of you to stay in a secure location. Death Eater activity in Wales had multiplied… Miss Vance already kindly volunteered her abode."
Lily can tell right away that this does not sit well with James – neither the words nor the manner with which they were presented. She watches him take a deep breath and exhale unhappily.
"The three of us?" he finally says. "What about Sirius?"
Sirius stiffens slightly beside him. His pale face turns to Dumbledore.
"He will move," the old man affirms. "Mr. Lupin, on the other hand, will not."
Lily's heart stops. She looks to Remus, her best friend in the world, and in the silence he doesn't react. His expression is calm, no twitch of his lip, no intake of breath.
He's known about this; sometime between when she last saw him and now, he was told – or maybe he knew all along. Lily, Sirius, and James – living in a safe house for who knows how long.
"But why?" she asks quietly, so quietly she's not sure anyone can hear her.
Remus does. He gives her a grim, apologetic smile, the faded scars on his face crinkling with his expression, and says, "You know why."
Dumbledore continues to speak. He's moved on to the next order of business, and is moving efficiently along the agenda until James yet again interrupts.
"Sir. If I may -?"
"Yes, Mr. Potter?" the wizard responds patiently.
James glances around the room, and for a moment his gaze lands on Lily. But it flickers away quickly.
"I have a better location for a safe house," he says. "It's already got wards up; it's still in Wales and everything…"
Next to him, Sirius's mouth is one tight line. His eyes are closed.
--
"Will you be helping us, then?"
"You know I would do anything to help."
Remus is looking into the eyes of Alastor Moody. The Auror shakes his head.
"You would have to testify."
Remus swallows. Something like apprehension mills in his stomach. "Would I be a credible witness?"
--
At the same time, Fabian Prewett is lying in bed. His breath is shallow, but steady. He reads a book and doesn't speak to anyone at all.
After a moment of contemplation, he reaches for something on his bedside table: a quill and some parchment.
--
"I need to talk to you," Sirius mutters in James's ear, and it is as if the two friends never fought in the first place. James pulls away from the dwindling meeting, and they head to the lean-to, where conversation is more private.
It is raining today. James has a sickening sense of déjà vu.
"What is it?" he inquires with a bit of a shiver. Judging by Sirius's expression – twitching, like many emotions battling to be seen first – that whatever his friend wants to talk about must be especially bad.
But true to his nature, the younger man is blunt. "I saw my mum yesterday."
James's mouth falls open. "Where?"
"Grimmauld."
There is silence. Confusion wells up; all these years, Sirius has been declaring he'll never go back. First the abrupt argument, and now this – what next?
"I know," the man says finally, seeing James's perplexity. "I have to tell you…"
--
"A safe house," Lily is saying. "A genuine safe house."
"It will be alright," Remus responds, patting her awkwardly on the shoulder. Though it may be indicative of the "strength" of their friendship recently, the poor man can't help but admit he is nonplussed. The unhappy expression on her face is unusual.
She is silent for a moment.
Remus notes that on another day she may've leaned on his shoulder, or taken his hand, but today it is different. He lets his arms dangle at his side, to see if she will take such an opportunity; she never does. He is left waiting.
"It will really be fine," he assures her as he thinks, inevitability in male-female friendships…
The little awkward moments. The melting warmth in his stomach that shouldn't be there. It's only something he's learned to deal with.
--
"So you're saying she just took you back into the family with no questions?" James is unable to hide his skepticism, just as he is unable to comprehend this sudden change. The rift between Sirius and his bloodline is one that he imagined could never heal.
Sirius, on the other hand, is impatient. "No," he says. "She had this speech about the integrity of the Black household that I'll wager she's been waiting all these two years to use… but she's really desperate for a son at the moment, continue the bloodline."
"I reckon she hasn't heard about you in the Order then."
"I don't think she's connected enough to get that kind of information anymore."
"But," the nineteen year-old presses – gently, because he doesn't want to provoke another fight – "Are you sure this is what you want to do? Getting mixed up in that crowd again?"
Sirius shrugs weakly, and something like longing echoes in his eyes. "What else can I do?" he asks, voice as hollow as the sound reverberating off the tin lean-to. "I don't have another purpose."
"It's risky," James says.
"And? If I get killed, so what?"
His mouth falls open slightly. "So – so we lose you," he stammers, and Sirius is genuine when he looks to his eyes. But all James can see in that gaze is exhaustion… and concession.
"I could lose you just as easily," Sirius reminds him softly. "Anyone in the Order could die. We all end up in the dirt eventually – why does it matter to me when?"
"Don't talk like that, Padfoot," James finds himself saying, and the expression on his friend's face instantly turns sour. Angry.
It is a long, tense moment before Sirius says slowly, "I don't get it."
His voice is harsh again.
"Get what?" ventures James, nonplussed and with a certain sense rising in his throat like bile. Sirius's answer is quick.
"Why we have those nicknames," he says in frustration. "Why – why anything. Why we became Animagi –"
"Pad – Sirius –"
"Face it, we're not the 'Marauders' and we never were." Sirius is staring determinedly at James, and although it's clear the outburst is over, there is a weighted silence before the latter can reply.
And even then, his reply is starkly quiet. "Do you remember the fourth Marauder?" he asks, eyes leveled on his friend.
"Yeah, I remember the fourth Marauder," Sirius snaps. "You mean the one that didn't fucking exist."
"He existed."
"For a day. One prank. That's all. We didn't even know who the fuck he was, we just kept saying to ourselves, Oh, we'll find him eventually, he'll want to help out again –"
"We did it for him," James interrupts aggressively, and the place falls eerily silent as Sirius, startled, ends his tirade. Coldness still lingers in the grey eyes. Not long before they'd been as icy as a killer's.
James stares back into those eyes and wonders why he hasn't noticed this before. The lack of warmth. There always was warmth, jovial laughter even, in Sirius when they were younger.
He starts to wonder what's changed.
"I just want to know why," Sirius says, his voice cracking.
James is incredulous. "Don't you remember?" he pushes. "We wanted to achieve. To make the ultimate prank. To cheat the system."
"I guess you could say I'm cheating the system," said the thin, mousy-haired boy as he helped set up Dungbombs. "Maybe that makes me the master prankster."
"How are you doing that?" James asked eagerly, exchanging looks with his two friends.
The stranger paused. "I guess…think of the most dangerous, blatantly illegal thing a person can do. Like just existing here is against the law." He finished lining up the Dungbombs, then waved. "Well, good luck. Cheers."
An awed, eleven year-old James had forgotten to ask his name.
"So what?" Sirius challenges. "So we cheat the system. We're fifteen, sixteen years old. Now we have to live with that mistake all our lives. As unregistered Animagi –"
"You can't convince me you're afraid of being caught," James says dryly, but Sirius is already removing himself from the conversation, heading back inside, and it's been so long since James had a normal conversation with his best friend that he doesn't think to call the man back.
--
"It'll only be for a couple weeks, right?"
"Until Emmeline can step in and replace us," Lily confirms, all her heart in her throat. She doesn't want to go. Not long ago, she all but gave up the magical world. And now she is wholly dedicated to one of its causes.
Truthfully, she's not sure how she feels about that.
Remus is looking at her now, a strange expression on his face, and Lily can't interpret it.
Author's Note: Wow... erm... guess who feels like the biggest DB on ? This girl right here. Seriously, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to apologize (again) for being late updating, because being this late is just ridiculous. (My bad.) So, to make it up to you... yeah, I'm not really sure how I'm going to make it up to you. I'll do something though. (In my defense, it is NaNoWriMo right now...)