Chapter 35 BPOV
My heart jumped into my throat. His tone was so serious. I mean, I didn't expect it to be joking or anything, but after those soft little kisses I guess I expected his tone to be a little lighter. The way that he said that we needed to talk now seemed to indicate that I wouldn't like what he had to say.
I think I even stopped breathing.
Edward leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped together. "Bella, I don't know how to start this. I mean, I still can't believe what happened between us and I don't really know what to say or do right now. The only thing I know for sure is that we need to talk about it somehow."
When he started talking he had been looking at his hands, but now he was looking right into my eyes. I still didn't know how to read him so I wasn't sure what I was seeing in their depths.
"I um, well, I don't know what to say either, Edward."
We continued looking at each other. It was beginning to feel uncomfortable.
I wanted to tell him that it had meant so much to me and that I didn't regret it. I wanted to hear him say that to me too.
But instead we sat there.
Just looking at each other.
I started fidgeting on the couch a little. I felt like I was on a damn hot seat.
The weird thing was that regardless of how uneasy I felt as we sat there, I still felt an indescribable pull toward him. Like a magnet really. I felt like his body was drawing me to him. I felt an urge to jump out of my seat and leap on to his lap. Of course I wouldn't, I would never have the guts to do that, not without knowing how he felt about me.
"So, you're ok with what happened? I mean, you're ok that it happened and that you can still stay here and take care of the twins after all that?"
Seriously?
Is he only concerned about me taking care of his children? Was that the reason he wanted to talk to me?
Ok, now I was pissed.
"That is what you wanted to talk about? About me being able to perform my job after having slept with you? You know, Edward, I don't have a lot of experience with the 'morning after' since I've never had one, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't consist of waking up in bed alone. And I may not be very experienced and know how to voice my feelings to you about what happened, but I sure as shit wouldn't humiliate you by asking about your job and your ability to perform it in the face of sleeping with me. Just forget it. Do me a favor and forget the whole thing ever happened. Obviously that's what you want anyway. As far as Ethan and Hannah go, I will be here for them like I always have been because they need me. As long as you want me to stay for them, and as long as they need me, I will be here!"
I rocketed off the couch and stormed out, intending to go to my room. I needed to get out of this house now. I didn't want to cry and I didn't want him to see me this upset. Then he would know how much it had meant to me. I wouldn't give him that power. Ever.
I ran down the stairs and grabbed the car keys and my purse. I could feel the lump building in my throat and the tears threatening to spill. I was devastated. How could I have been such an idiot? I was nothing to Edward, just a distraction from his grief. When all was said and done, I was nothing more than an employee to him.
I had no one to blame but myself of course. I knew what I was doing. I knew he was sick with grief and vulnerable. Hadn't I thought at the time that I didn't want to think about what I was doing? That just being with him that way was enough? That was so naïve of me. One time would never be enough with Edward, I saw that now. I was in way over my head and I had no idea what I was going to do now.
I ran back up the stairs toward the garage door and collided with Edward's chest.
"Get out of my way, Edward!"
He reached out and grabbed me by my upper arms.
"Bella, wait. Please!"
"Why? You asked me what you wanted and I answered you. There's nothing more to say!"
I couldn't even look up into his eyes. I was ashamed and embarrassed and I just wanted to get out of that house.
He continued holding on to my arms.
"Please let go of me," I said.
He didn't say anything.
He didn't let go.
I looked up at him wondering why he wouldn't get out of my way.
He was looking at me with a sort of desperate expression on his face. His lips were slightly parted and I could see that he wanted to say something but he just stood there staring at me. His eyes traveled from my eyes to my mouth back and forth. If I didn't know better I would have thought he was thinking about kissing me.
"No," he said.
"No?" I repeated.
He shook his head slowly. "No."
He pulled me to him before I had a chance to react and slammed his lips to mine. It was a hard and forceful kiss that left me light-headed. He opened his mouth immediately and dipped his tongue into mine. Oh God, those lips! I felt that kiss everywhere; from my head to my toes and back again, like an electrical current just going on and on. I answered his kiss with everything I had, everything I couldn't say. I was desperate for him, I wanted him so badly. I couldn't deny the effect he had over me.
His hands left my arms and wrapped around my body so there was no space between us. I could feel every inch of his hard body as his lips worked me over. He slanted his head to the other side and continued kissing me deeply. I heard myself whimper. It was an involuntary reaction to the desire coursing through my body.
I don't know how long the kiss lasted. It seemed to go on forever and I didn't want it to stop. Not ever. I felt him easing up, backing down the deep kisses with softer ones, until he stopped completely. He leaned his forehead against mine and our noses continued to touch.
"No," he said again softly.
We were both breathing heavily now. I could smell his sweet breath against my face and all I could think was that I had died and gone to Heaven.
I held on to his arms that were still wrapped around me. I didn't want the moment to stop.
That kiss didn't change anything, did it? The only thing it did for me besides lighting my body on fire was to remind me why I had risked everything by making love to him. It reminded me of how much I loved him. It also reminded me that it had been a mistake.
Again, I didn't know what to say. Why had he kissed me like that? Why now?
I felt him moving me backwards until my back was up against the wall and his whole body leaned into mine.
"Edward, I-"
"Shut up, Bella."
And then he kissed me again.
EPOV
From the moment Bella jumped up from the couch and ran downstairs, I started to panic.
How could I be such a complete fucking idiot? I wanted to say so many things to her but I didn't know how without scaring her away. I was also concerned that she might feel uncomfortable enough that she would have to leave, so I asked her a question under the guise of my concern for the twins.
Who was I kidding? My children were always at the forefront of my mind, until now. Now, I was afraid that Bella would leave, leave me- leave us. Of course I was concerned that it would affect the children, but that was not what I was thinking when I sat down to talk to Bella tonight.
I wanted to say so much more, but I couldn't. I didn't know what to say any more than she did. I didn't know how she felt or how she wanted to proceed after that amazing night.
For all I knew it was a one-time thing.
No, that's not true. I may not know Bella as well as I wanted to but I knew she wasn't the kind of person to just jump into bed with me, or anyone else just for the hell of it.
I had been her first and I was sure that meant something to her, but just how much? What did she expect from me? I had wanted and dreamt of her for so long. The reality of being with her had been more than I could even have imagined, but she didn't know that. I couldn't tell her that. It was too much and she was so young. She had her whole life ahead of her. I was just a blip on her screen of life.
I also couldn't forget Angela. I had never intended on sleeping with Bella one time let alone have some kind of affair. My wife had been dead for a few short months and already I had betrayed her memory. Hell, I had betrayed her long before that though it wasn't physical.
My problem remained.
I had just voiced a highly insensitive question to Bella and she reacted accordingly. I couldn't just let her walk away thinking that what had happened meant nothing to me. Nor could I let her think that I was only interested in whether or not she would stay for the twins.
What could I tell her?
Certainly not that I was in love with her.
I was at a loss. I didn't know what I was going to say but I had to do something.
I heard her running up the stairs and walked over to where she would be. She rounded the corner and ran right into me. I noticed she had her keys and her purse in her hands.
Her face was flushed and she wouldn't look at me.
"Get out of my way, Edward!"
I grabbed her arms to steady her and to keep her from walking away from me again.
"Bella, wait. Please!" She was so upset and I chastised myself again for being such an ass.
"Why? You asked me what you wanted and I answered you. There's nothing more to say!"
I wanted her to look me in the eyes but she kept looking at my chest instead. My God, what had I done?
"Please let go of me," she said.
I couldn't. I had to fix this somehow and I couldn't just let her leave with so many things left unspoken between us. All I could do was hold on to her and look at the top of her head wishing her to look up at me.
After a few moments she finally did raise her head and she looked directly into my eyes. I could see all the hurt that she felt and I ached with shame for making her feel that way.
Her beautiful mouth was slightly parted with her increased breathing. I was mesmerized once again. I kept looking between her mouth and her gorgeous expressive eyes and kept thinking how badly I wanted to kiss the hurt away. I knew that I probably shouldn't, we needed to talk after all.
But I wanted to.
Before I realized what I was doing the word had already left my mouth.
"No."
"No?" she asked me.
I shook my head and said it again, "No."
I wouldn't let her go, not now. Maybe I would have to later but not now. Instinctively I pulled her to me before she could say anything else and ravaged her mouth. God, she had the most amazing mouth and I wanted to taste every part of it.
I plunged my tongue into her now welcoming cavern with all the feeling I could muster. It was a silent plea for her not to go, not to leave me. I tried to show her with my actions that she would always be anything but the caregiver for my children. She was the caregiver of my soul. She may not know it but she was.
She was everything.
I wrapped my arms around her, enveloping her with all the deep emotions I couldn't express and didn't dare to. I didn't want to let her go. Ever.
As the kiss became more frantic for both of us I felt her whimper into my mouth, just like she had done the night we shared together. It made me weak in the knees to hear it. My body reacted in kind, becoming unbearably hard and ready for her.
Mine!
No, I wouldn't let her go. I would have to find a way to keep her. I didn't know how and I didn't know when, but somehow I had to find a way. I wasn't ready to bare my soul and feelings to her; I was too raw with grief and guilt. I knew only that at this moment I wouldn't let her go.
I slowed down our kiss gradually and then rested my forehead on hers nuzzling our noses together gently.
"No," I told her again.
I backed her up against the wall holding on to her tightly the whole time. I wanted her. I had never wanted anything so badly. She would probably break my heart some day but God help me I wanted her. I rested my body up against her.
"Edward, I-"
"Shut up, Bella."
Then I began kissing her, not quite as forcefully as before, but still with an unspoken passion that had always been there between us. I felt her hands in my hair and it was glorious. She wanted me too, for how long I didn't know, but I would take it. I would take anything she had for me for however long or short a time that would be.
I reluctantly broke off the kiss again. I had to say something.
"I want you, Bella. I don't know how this all happened or why, I only know I want you. I can't make you any promises or tell you what it all means, but I do know that I've never wanted anyone the way that I want you right now."
She looked at me with a curious expression on her face. I wished that I knew her better so I could figure out what she was thinking. I started to get nervous. Was this not what she wanted? Maybe what I had said to her earlier had just upset her but for a different reason. Had I read it all wrong?
I backed my body away from her slightly. "But, you know, if this isn't what you want-" I started.
"Shut up, Edward."
Then she jumped back into my arms and kissed me.
A/N:
We want to welcome all of our new readers to the story with a special thanks to a few that reviewed every single chapter while reading it this week. Amazing and thank you! To the loyal fanbase of ATR..you guys rock and we love hearing from you each week!
As always, my stunning partner Parama…luv u and couldn't do this or function lately without you there to back me up. You are a gift and I am grateful.
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