35.1 Alistair
Alistair awoke the next morning happier than he had ever been in his life. Then he had the terrifying thought that perhaps the conversation with Kathryn the evening before might have been a dream. It was such a sudden and dramatic turn around, to go from being completely alone to having what he wanted more than anything else in the world. It was at least incredible, perhaps improbable and maybe even impossible.
Right before she had spoken to him he had put his head down on his arm. It was possible he had fallen asleep, dreamed the whole thing and then sleepwalked to his tent. He had been suffering from a bad headache the entire day. In fact, the more he thought about it, the more probable that scenario seemed. And he had to admit, much more his luck.
He got up and after packing his few things stepped out of his tent. The morning light was just beginning to turn the night to dawn. He usually got up early, a habit from templar training. Only Sten and Wynne were about. He said good morning to Wynne and started making breakfast, keeping a nervous eye on Kathryn's tent.
As the dawning light began to cast soft shadows, she emerged. He held his breath and concentrating on stirring the pot. He didn't know if he could take finding out it had only been a dream. One thing he had learned, it was much worse to know what you were missing. She walked over to where he was and knelt down beside him.
"Morning." She said low with a warm smile.
He let the breath out with almost a laugh. "Good morning." He said relieved.
"Is something wrong?" She asked.
"No, it isn't." He said. "I was just thinking that maybe last night… with us had been a dream."
"That depends on what you dreamed happened last night." She said and then smiled. "Dare I ask?"
"Oh… no… nothing like that… well… at least not last night." He said. "I mean where you said you… wanted to be with me and we kissed… a lot."
"Oh, that. Yes, I remember that too, especially the kissing part." She said and then looked thoughtful. "Of course, we might have just had the same dream… in fact, we still could be having it. Remember the sloth demon."
"That's true." He said.
"I know how to tell. What's for breakfast? Because if this is a dream I would dream of having a plate full of Orlesian type pastries, apple and pear and raspberry with a glass of crisp white wine and some of that strong black tea with cream in it." She said wistful.
"Porridge." He replied.
"Then this isn't a dream. Although if we are still eating your cooking, it might be a nightmare." She said.
"You know, I don't see you offering to cook. In fact, why don't we eat your cooking for a while, that'd be good for a laugh." He said smiling.
"Or food poisoning." She said chuckling. "No, I think not. I do want us all able to fight and not stuck in the latrine. Besides you cannot eat something that does not exist. I am a noble lady. Do you think I have ever cooked anything in my life? I boiled water for tea once and I burnt that. So, no, please continue. I just like giving you a hard time about it."
"Is this the kind of treatment I can expect from you from now on?" He asked.
"Oh, no, no, no… usually I'm much worse." She said.
"Well, I know of one way guaranteed to shut you up. How long till I get to kiss you again?" He asked.
"Probably quite a while." She said sadly. "Traveling all day today, got a long way to go. So several hours, at least. Probably not until we make camp for the night." She looked serious. "I want to be discrete, very discrete."
"Because of Roland?" He asked.
"Not only because of him, it's just inappropriate, tacky and in bad taste to be doing that in front of people." She said. "Besides I am in charge, much harder for people to take you seriously if they see you getting groped by someone."
"I… haven't… groped… anything." He stammered.
"Not yet." She said with a smile.
He smiled. "You know I'm not sure I can make it all day without kissing you."
"Show some of that iron discipline of yours." She said. "Of course, if we do happen to find ourselves out of the sight of our companions… but probably not be an opportunity since right after breakfast I have to go back by the stream to look for my journal. I can't leave without it."
"You mean the journal in your hand right now." He said.
"Yes, that is exactly the one I mean. I am sure I left it by the stream but don't remember where, probably take me a bit to find it. Oh and I wanted to tell you I'm sure I saw something of yours out there too. You might want to go out there and check, sometime after breakfast, perhaps." She said with a smile. "Until then I'll leave you to your cooking, wouldn't want to burn it. Although come to think of it, that might be an improvement." She stood and walked away.
After breakfast, and after taking a few minutes to look for his charcoal pencils out by the stream, which as it turns out were safely tucked away in his pack, the group got ready to leave.
He was somewhat unsure what to do. Kathryn was and had always been in the lead when they traveled. After Lothering, he and Roland had walked immediately behind her with the rest following them. When Kathryn and Roland were together, Roland had walked beside her while Alistair had stepped back to walk next to Leliana. But today as they set out, Roland took a position between Leliana and Wynne.
Kathryn made her last check of the camp site and picking up her pack walked to the front. She looked back to him. "Are you coming?" She asked.
"Yes." He said. He walked to the front, taking his original spot. She looked at him and waited until he took a position next to her. It was such a little, subtle thing but somehow it made him even happier than he had been and filled him with a sense of, what he could only think to call, pride. Then they started out.
35.2 Wynne
Wynne was in the habit of rising early. She was not the young woman she once was and moved slower than she had for it took a while for her old joints to limber up enough to keep up with the youngsters around her.
As she gathered her things to prepare to leave, she saw Alistair emerge from his tent. He looked better but a bit anxious. Yesterday he didn't look well at all. She had nearly asked him a half dozen times if he was alright. But she had noticed that for the past few days he and Kathryn had barely spoken, and Alistair had looked miserable. She figured that had more to do with his current state than any physical problem.
She knew something had to be very wrong for them not to speak, for the two of them were very close. It was obvious that they were good friends, they worked well together, fought well together. He had blossomed under her leadership and friendship. She encouraged him and he had become more confident and at ease with himself and others. While it was clear that despite his age and her relationship with Roland, it was Alistair's opinion, judgment, support and friendship that she relied upon the most. He was slowly becoming more and more of a partner to her.
While that would seem to be a good thing, she suspected it may not be. Wynne could see the way Alistair looked at Kathryn despite his relationship with Leliana. Kathryn was much harder to read. She kept her thoughts and feelings mostly to herself but while she was with and very fond of Roland, she laughed more with Alistair.
As Alistair made breakfast, she saw Kathryn emerge from her tent and walk over to where Alistair was and talk to him. She was glad, but also concerned. They not only seemed to be on good terms but on very good terms. She hoped she was just imagining things. But as they left camp it seemed she had cause for concern. Roland didn't take his normal position next to Kathryn but one close to her and Leliana. While Kathryn waited for Alistair to assume a position next to her. That didn't bode well. At the very least, it seemed Roland and Kathryn were no longer together and the fact that Alistair was walking with her and not Leliana told worse. She would watch and hope but she was afraid things had taken a dangerous turn.
She had seen this before and without fail it never ended well. Many times at the tower, she had seen exactly this scenario. Two young apprentices would be brought to the tower and being thrown together in an unfamiliar and sometimes intimidating and even hostile environment, they would develop a bond. One of support and of comfort and many times they would come to believe themselves to be in love. Over and over, she saw such fragile and unlikely bonds and the harm they caused. Their training and study would suffer, at times even their health would suffer and on so many occasions when the time came for them to take the harrowing, because they had not focused on what they needed to, they would fail. It was a tragedy she had seen replayed over and over, but in their cases their misfortune only affected them.
She felt she had to speak, to make them aware of the potential for disaster and tragedy not only for the two of them but for everyone.
35.3 Wynne and Kathryn
Kathryn was making her rounds. She made it a point each time they made camp to talk to all her companions, to see how they were, if they needed anything and to give them a chance to talk to her in private if they wanted. At times, long conversations were the result with others no more than a quick assurance that all was well with them.
Leliana nearly always told a story, sang a song or played her lute after supper. Kathryn was going to talk to Wynne, and while Leliana entertained them, she would play a match with Alistair and after they would find a quiet spot out of sight.
Speaking of such, she looked over at Roland. She hadn't said much to him, deciding it better to leave him alone for a while. He seemed sad but alright. Leliana had said she would look out for him when they had spoke. After she had talked to Roland last evening, she had gone to talk to Leliana. Before she was able to say much of anything, however Leliana told her that she could see that Alistair was in love with her and volunteered to step aside, even suggesting that she talk to Alistair first, to clear the way for them. She wished them the best with a full heart, and Kathryn could tell she meant it. Kathryn had asked her to look after Roland and she said she would.
She walked over to where Wynne was sitting.
Wynne looked up and as Kathryn approached said gently but with an accusatory edge. "You're quite taken with each other, aren't you?"
Something in her tone caused Kathryn's guard to go up. "I take it you mean Alistair? In which case, yes I am. I do not presume to speak for him but I think he is also."
"It is hard not to notice the doe-eyed looks he gives you, especially when he thinks no one is watching." She said amused. "It's almost too sweet for my taste, and I'm an old lady who should be making lace hearts and fuzzy blankets with animal motifs."
"I do have a hard time picturing you surrounded by animal motifs, I'll admit." Kathryn said.
"No, I won't be making socks with pom-poms for you anytime soon, but that's hardly my point. I've noticed your blossoming relationship, and I wanted to ask you where you thought it was going. Alistair is a fine lad, skilled in battle, but quite inexperienced when it comes to affairs of the heart. I would hate to see him get hurt." Kathryn picked up the note of warning in her remark, apparently Alistair's fondness and concern for Wynne was returned.
"You really think I would ever hurt Alistair?" Kathryn said.
"Not intentionally, no." She replied seriously. "But there is great potential for tragedy here, for one or both of you. You are both Grey Wardens and he is the son of a king. You have responsibilities which superseded your personal desires." Wynne said.
"I am fully aware of my responsibilities and my duty. I do not see how my relationship with Alistair affects them." Kathryn said.
"Love is ultimately selfish. It demands that one be devoted to a single person, who may fully occupy one's mind and heart, to the exclusion of all else. A Grey Warden cannot afford to be selfish. You may be forced to make a choice between saving your love and saving everyone else, and then what would you do?" She asked.
"What I have to, whatever I feel is necessary." Kathryn said sharp. She considered and then asked. "Are you trying to persuade me that I should end this with him?"
"You may have to, to save one or both of you unnecessary anguish later on." Wynne replied.
"Unnecessary anguish?" Kathryn said.
"Nothing is certain, not in these times. You cannot take anything for granted. I want you to be aware of this." Wynne said.
"And what makes you think I am not? That we are not?" Kathryn said angrily.
"I am just trying to minimize the suffering that may come to either of you." Wynne said softly. "There is great potential for tragedy here."
"Believe me I am aware. If you have forgotten I have lost my entire family. All of the Grey Wardens are dead, betrayed and murdered. In addition to the fact that our lives are at constant danger from darkspawn, bandits, soldiers, and assassins." Kathryn said. "But just because there is risk does not mean it is not worth pursuing."
Wynne looked down and sighed. "Perhaps this is one lesson that cannot be taught. I have given my advice. Do with it what you will."
"Well, I thank you for your concern." Kathryn said quickly and walked away.
35.3 Leliana and Wynne
Leliana finished playing her lute. Given the circumstances she wanted to stay away from any songs or stories regarding love and that severely limited her selection, so she decided to play instead. She put the lute away and cast a glance towards Alistair and Kathryn who were finishing up their game.
Watching them warmed her heart. It was so obvious how much in love they were, how happy they were together. Her relationship with Alistair had been good for her and she hoped very much it had been good for him too. That and seeing the two of them now, had restored her damaged faith in love, and she wished them the best with all her heart. She looked over to Roland who was busy repairing his armor. They had talked last night and long today. She felt confident that he would recover and would no doubt love again but it would not be easy and he was far from over the worst of it.
She sat down looking for her notebook in which to record the recent events. She saw that Wynne was also discreetly watching the couple. She caught her eye and said low. "Aren't they adorable?"
Wynne looked at Leliana with a bit of surprise. "I would have thought you'd be more upset about the situation."
Leliana smiled. "Oh, no. I cannot begrudge anyone their happiness or finding love. Besides I always knew we were not to be, but it was good for both of us, I think."
Wynne then gently asked. "Don't you think that this might be a very bad thing for them to be together? They have a responsibility, a duty. So much depends on them. They cannot afford such a distraction."
"Oh, yes, you are absolutely right!" Leliana said with mock horror. "They should think of that duty constantly, wallow in the overwhelming responsibility and not allow themselves to forget for a moment how the fate of the entire world rests on them. In addition to the fact that they can expect no assistance from the other Grey Wardens, how they must fight a blight and a civil war, and about the sheer numbers of people trying to kill them."
Leliana continued. "They should not seek out or even take a moment to rest or enjoy themselves or be happy but should be serious and grave at all times. They definitely should not find comfort, support or companionship in someone else, especially not someone who shares and can understand that great responsibility. In fact…"
"All right, yes. I see your point." Wynne admitted. "But comfort, solace, friendship is one thing. Romance is another. Love is ultimately selfish. It demands devotion to a particular person who will fully occupy one's thoughts and feelings, to the exclusion of everything else. Such selfishness is something neither they nor any of the rest of us can afford." Wynne said.
"You don't really believe that!" Leliana said. "That selfishness is the ultimate nature of love?" She said in disbelief. "Wynne, you are not so cynical that you actually think that could be true." Leliana asked her chiding. "No, that is not the love I know. I know of a love that is giving. Where you give all and expect nothing and because of that you receive all. Love that encourages, supports, that wants the best for the other, not one that is demanding, but patient, kind and generous."
Leliana looked at the couple and then back to Wynne. "Can you not look at them and see that they are better off together? That the happiness and joy they have in the other gives them courage and strength to face what they must, to do what they have to. She has given him confidence and courage to be himself, to stand up for himself, a belief in himself he didn't have before. And she...she is there for all of us, giving us comfort and hope, helping us, supporting all of us, but who is there for her? Who does that for her? He does. She has not stepped out of camp without him at her side. He is her foundation, her support, the one she relies on, while all of us, the world in fact, relies on her."
"That is the love of the old tales, a true love, the kind of love that endures, that can face and conquer all things. The kind we all want and hope for and even pray for, even if we are not strong enough to bear it. It is a beautiful if terrible thing." She said. Wynne looked at the ground, sad and thoughtful.
35.4 Leliana and Zevran
Leliana got up and walked around the fire to the cooking pots to boil some water for tea.
"I must say, dear woman, I rather like this change in you." Zevran said.
"That's nice, but I'm not sleeping with you." Leliana said.
"Oh, I can think of many other things we can do other than sleep." Zevran said suggestively.
"Oh?" Leliana said. She considered and then said. "Then let's see what's in those trousers. I like to make informed decisions, after all."
Zevran's eyes widened considerably. "That's rather saucy of you, isn't it? You really have changed!"
"Yes, yes." She said sounding impatient. "I don't see those trousers coming down, however, do I?"
"Err… you just want me to show you? Right here?" Zevran said in disbelief.
"Why not?" Leliana asked. "Aren't you the shameless lothario you claim to be? There are rumors about you elves and I intend to see them proved untrue before I even consider a tumble."
"On second thought, perhaps you've traveled to an awkward place where I dare not follow…" Zevran said looking uncomfortable.
Leliana smiled to herself. "I thought as much."
Zevran stepped away from the fire and turned to the dog. "Those rumors about elves, all slander and lies, my friend, slander and lies."
35.5 Kathryn and Alistair
After finished their game, they took a walk around the edge of camp. They found a spot by some trees out of the way, quiet, and without a line of sight to any of their companions. As soon as she was sure they were hidden from view, she turned quickly and kissed him, hard and fast, and then slow and gentle, and then again and again.
As they continued to kiss, she ran her hands along his shoulders and chest and down his arms, feeling the muscles through the heavy undershirt and grateful he had removed the armor. She felt his hands wrap around her waist, run up along her sides and down her back. As he did, her breathing got quicker, heart beat faster.
She turned to catch her breath, he continued kissing her chin, she turned her head exposing her neck and jaw, after a moment's hesitation he began kissing along her jaw and then down her neck, and then along her collarbone and then past it, one kiss and then another slightly lower.
He stopped, resting his forehead against her chest and drawing his hands into fists. She could tell he wanted to do more and was fighting that impulse. After a couple breaths, and the battle with himself won, he looked back up to her.
"I'm sorry." He said.
"For what? Stopping?" She said out loud and then thought to herself that she was sorry he had stopped.
"No. Not that I want to… stop. But that's not what I was sorry for… It was for… before that. I… don't want…" He said flustered.
"You don't want?" She said confused.
"No, I don't mean… I don't want… I do… want… but I don't want… to do… more than you... want…" He said cautiously. "I don't know what you have… and I don't want to…" He said quickly. "I just… I don't know what I should…" He looked down and took a deep breath. "I haven't… done anything like that... and I don't want you to think I think you're… like that… not that I mind if you are… I just…"
He turned around walking a few paces away and rubbing his forehead and then back of his neck with his hand. "You know can we just pretend I didn't say any of that, and I'll try to resist the impulse to stick my foot in my mouth." He said exasperated.
Kathryn had to smile but tried not to let him see. "It's all right. I understand."
"I… I just… heard that noble ladies don't do stuff like that before…" He said.
"True, at least, that's the official story. A lot more goes on than you'd think. It's all about being discrete and not getting caught. It's all that about your reputation and making a good match. I didn't care much for all that, Mother was much more concerned. I never did anything like that, but that's because I never found anyone I wanted to do anything like that with." Kathryn said.
Alistair looked thoughtful and then said. "Your parents… they would not approve of this… of us… of me. If they didn't like you becoming involved with a knight-to-be from a noble family, they really would object to an orphaned commoner, the bastard child of a serving girl." He looked to her and then continued. "And if you were honest you would admit that in any other circumstances you wouldn't condescend to even look at me." He said with a touch of bitterness.
"No, I have to say that in most any circumstance I would at least look at you." She said with a smile. He smiled back. "As a potential match for their daughter… the fact that you are a Grey Warden without two coppers to rub together would not thrill them." She could see the disappointment on his face. "But as a man, as a person, they'd love you. You'd have fit right in at the castle, trust me. If you ever meet Fergus you will understand the truth of what I say. And as a warrior, someone to fight besides me to defeat a blight and stop a civil war, someone whose daughter's life is in their hands nearly every day... believe me when I say they would be ecstatic beyond measure with you."
He stepped back up to her and brushed her cheek with his gloved finger. She looked at his hand. "Speaking of hands, why are you wearing gloves?" She took his hands and started unbuckling them.
"Well, I…" He said looking uncomfortable.
"What? You have to admit it is better without them." She asked.
"Yes, but… I… it's just…" He started and then looked down.
"I've seen them before. I know they aren't burnt or that you're not missing a finger or anything." She got the first glove off and immediately began to work on the second one.
"No. But you didn't look… it's just they aren't…" He said.
"What?" She asked still struggling with the second glove.
"They aren't what you're… used to." He said embarrassed. She looked at him confused. Then finally she got the second one off and taking both of his hands in hers, she looked at them for the first time.
Now she understood what he meant and his reluctance for her to see them. They weren't what she was used to. She was used to seeing nobleman's hands, ones accustomed to holding jeweled goblets, gently taking a lady's hands to their lips, and wearing gloves of fine leather or silk.
He had the hands of a warrior and not a knight's either. For even compared to Roland's hands, his were different. She could see where his fingers had been broken, the scars and calluses from wielding a sword and shield. They were tough, strong hands. Ones that as a child had scrubbed pots in scalding hot water and washed in icy cold. Hands that had done work and not easy work either. His life, a hard, commoner's life, was all there in his hands.
She could tell he was ashamed of them, at least ashamed for her to see them. They emphasized what he had said. She was a noble second only to royalty on the social strata and he was about the lowest, barely considered a person. In any other circumstance, hands like his would never touch her, never be allowed to touch her.
She felt them over, running her fingers over every callous, feeling the healed broken bones, tracing all the scars. "No, this isn't what I'm used to seeing." She said. "I'm used to noble's hands and these are the hands of a warrior." She said looking him in the eye. "These are the hands I trust with my life every day, the ones I want to... hold me. These are your hands, all of what you are and have been. They are beautiful hands."
She took his hands, and brought them up to her lips and kissed them, kissed each callus and scar. When she was done, she looked to him and said. "I don't care what is supposed to be, or should or shouldn't be, what is proper or accepted or any of that. I only care about you. The rest… well… we'll figure out as we go."
He smiled. "I think I can handle that."
"Good." She said. She took one of his hands and placed it on her waist and the other one at the side of her face. "...and since it seems you have extricated your foot from your mouth… kiss me already."