BEFORE YOU READ...
I did update on Friday. There was a hiccup where the email didn't go out until Saturday morning, but I just wanted to make a note here in case you didn't get an email. So make sure you have read chapter 35 first!
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"Tris? Oh my God, Tris!" Christina shoved her way past Tobias.
"No, wait," Tobias said, yanking her back. "Do you trust me?" She raised an eyebrow before she looked over at Tris, then nodded. "Then please, Christina, let me handle this."
She tried to object, to ask questions about what he had planned, but he ushered her out without a word. Christina stood in the hallway, hoping that whatever he decided to do would work. She loved Tris, and though it didn't happen often, it was always hard to watch her fall into moments of deep sadness or guilt. Christina had never seen her this bad before; she hovered in the hallway for quite some time before seeking Will out.
Tobias crept into the bathroom, hearing her sobs for the first time. He reached a tentative hand out, hovering before finally placing it on her arm. "Don't!" Tris curled into herself even tighter, shivering. Tobias felt the ice cold water and adjusted it while he shuffled out of his shoes. He climbed into the tub carefully, and wrapped himself around her.
"It'll be okay," he whispered, running his hands gently over her body, using the water to rub some warmth back into her. He pulled her close, placing a gentle kiss on her shoulder. "I promise it will be okay. Just tell me what's wrong." She shook her head back and forth quickly, trying to squirm away while Tobias held her in place, wondering how long she had been like this.
She had relaxed by the time the water started to cool again, and allowed him to help her up. Tobias wrapped a towel around her, and pulled her into his chest. "I'm sorry," he murmured into her hair. "I didn't know how bad…" He stopped, not wanting to upset her further. "I thought you wanted space, so I—"
"I did need some space," she interrupted, her voice strained, "But I needed you, too. And I really didn't think you would leave without saying a word." She slipped out of his arms, and left him standing there. Tobias closed his eyes and took a long, deep breath before doing what he could to clean the mess and dry himself.
He found her in the dark, knees drawn up under a blanket on her couch. She watched him carefully as he stood in the doorway soaking wet, his shirt clinging to every muscle. "Tris—"
"Go." She hesitated for a moment, before adding, "Just hurry back."
He wove through the compound, ignoring the looks and stares he was getting from everyone he passed. He wished he hadn't given up his apartment, but there were more people at the Bureau than ever and he was at Dauntless almost exclusively. He tossed his wet clothes in the corner of his visitor's quarters and pulled on something comfortable. He paused just before he left, deciding to toss a few things into a bag, just in case. He practically sprinted back, swiping the card and shutting the door behind him.
Tris hadn't moved; she watched as he dropped his bag near the door and sat at the opposite end of the couch. "Do you need anything?" Tris bit her lip and shook her head; she wanted him to just hold her close, but she wasn't sure how to say it out loud. "Will you tell me what's going on, then?"
Her lip quivered as she tried to keep her voice steady. "It's all my fault."
"What? Tris, why do you think everything is your fault?"
"Because it is! I came outside the city. I agreed to go into Erudite. I was found out. I was kidnapped. I am the reason Abnegation was almost completely decimated. I couldn't even keep us together, Tobias."
Tris covered her face, leaning further into the back of the couch so he couldn't see her. She hated herself for being so weak, for feeling this way, but it was the truth. She was the common denominator in every scenario. Tobias sat there for a moment, watching, unsure of how he should respond. She lifted her head slightly, looking him right in the eye. "I understand why you left."
He reached out and caught her wrist before she could bury her face again. He was gentle as he tugged her towards him, scooting closer, too; she came to rest right against his side. "Tris, you aren't responsible for anything but you. You can't keep doing this to yourself. I can't stand to see you…" He paused for a moment, trying to make sure she would understand him completely. "Listen, you don't blame me for what happened to Marcus, do you?" She kept her eyes down, but shook her head. "Then why are you being so hard on yourself?"
He placed a finger under her chin, lifting until her eyes found his. He offered her a soft smile, but raised his eyebrow, waiting on her response. "I don't know." She shrugged. "It's just… I feel like I was a part of this before I was even born. Everyone expects me to—"
"Who cares about everyone else? You do what you want, and fuck everyone else's expectations."
One side of his mouth lifted as she chuckled against him. "I don't think it's that easy," she said after a while.
"It could be, if you just let us in."
Tris adjusted herself so she could curl into him, her legs resting over his thighs. He pulled her in and held her close, feeling her body get heavy within minutes. He smiled; it felt like a lifetime had passed since the first night they fell asleep together. Tobias didn't feel any different about it now than he did then: he was still in love with her. He knew there would be ups and downs, and they would probably have to work harder than most couples, but he was certain it would all be worth it. He placed a soft kiss on top of her head, and closed his eyes.
It felt like no time had passed when they flew open, a sharp sting burning his jaw. "No!" Tris called out, wriggling beside him.
"Tris," he said softly, trying to wake her. He managed to grab her arm before she smacked him in the face again, and gave her a quick shake, calling her name a little louder. She relaxed when she opened her eyes and grasped at him, both for something to hold onto, and to make sure he was real.
"Have you been working out?" he asked, rubbing his jaw. "You've got a wicked punch…" Her eyes went wide and she started to pull away. Tobias sensed her unease and held on tighter, running a hand over her hair.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I didn't mean to."
"I know you didn't. I was only kidding." He nuzzled into her. "This happen often?"
"No, not too often. But usually I'm alone. I did get Christina a couple of times, though." She gave a single laugh, recalling the look on her face the first time it happened, and how much crap Christina gave her for the bruise that formed on her shoulder. "I think it helps, having you here," she admitted. Tris let her head fall and started fidgeting with the blanket. "At least I know you're okay this way."
Tobias knew exactly how she felt: she featured in his dreams almost every night. "I still get them, too." He wasn't sure how the admission made him feel. On the one hand, he needed to be strong for her. But on the other, she needed to be reassured that she wasn't alone. "I don't mind staying, if it helps you." She looked up and stared into his eyes for a moment before snuggling back into him. Tris woke twice more that night, thankful that Tobias was there to keep her in his arms.
When he sat down with Commander Ross the next day, Tobias was quick and to the point, having left time at the end of his scheduled meeting to discuss Tris. "I think she feels like she has this responsibility, this duty, to make sure all the pieces fall into place and that every wrong is made right," Tobias said. "And, quite frankly, Sir, I don't think you're helping." He was surprised to learn that Alexander was well aware of Tris's situation, and that she had turned down the help offered to her.
Commander Ross sighed. "I understand your concerns, I do. But I don't think it's as damaging as you think it is." Tobias opened his mouth to argue, but Alexander held out a hand, silencing him. "Hear me out for a moment. Tris feels responsible for things she had no control over, right?" Tobias inclined his head at him. "She also had a choice to help us here, and she took it. I can't argue that I might have… influenced her decision. However, she alone chose to work in housing, and I believe it's her way of making things better. She was able to ensure that every factionless in the city ended up with food, clothing, and shelter: the very same people she helped growing up. And when that task was completed, she was able to turn her focus to helping those in need outside of the city. The same people she saw firsthand — the same people she knows are in desperate need. That won't bring back the deceased or fix any of the wrongs she herself experienced, but in her mind, she has to do this. She has to save as many people as she can. What do you think would happen if we took that opportunity away from her?"
Tobias pursed his lips. He was so distressed over the guilt and the nightmares she was experiencing that he hadn't thought of her motivations, or if what she was doing helped her at all.
"I know you're concerned, Four, and I am, too, but I've learned that Tris is the kind of person who needs to work things out on her own. She'll come around, but I think it would help if she had someone to talk to. Someone who understands the kinds of things she went through."
Tobias nodded. He might not have experienced exactly what Tris did, but he could relate to the pain, the isolation, and the fear she experienced. He had worked through his problems alone, too. Maybe it was just the Abnegation way. He canceled his trip outside the city and thanked Alexander for everything he had done and for looking out for Tris.
He swung by Christina's and coordinated with her for Tris to take a few days off. Chris agreed that she needed it, and assured him that things would run smoothly without her. He made one last stop by the cafeteria to pick up some food, and went back to Tris's. She had showered and was brushing her hair, pulling it up into a ponytail. It had grown considerably, the darker color having long since faded. Tobias smiled; she looked more like herself. She smiled back at him, then raised an eyebrow at everything in his hands.
"Didn't know how much food you had, and I figured we could make breakfast."
"I don't know if I have time. I usually just pick up a bagel at the cafeteria and eat at work."
"You have time, trust me."
Tris was irritated at first that Tobias had gone behind her back and arranged time off for her, but when he added in that he had also canceled his trip outside the city, she eased up. If she was being honest with herself, she needed a few days away from everything, and some time with Tobias to find out where they stood couldn't hurt.
They worked together, making eggs, toast, and potatoes. Tris had barely used her kitchen since she'd been back, and it felt good to do something for herself, especially something that was so close to her roots. Even sitting down with Tobias and eating in silence was comforting. He washed dishes while she dried, each movement more relaxing than the last.
Afterwards they sat down on the couch, Tris with a book, Tobias with a report he had to go over. "I thought you had time off," she said, straining to see what he was reading. He turned the tablet slightly, and Tris acted offended.
"I do have time off. That doesn't mean I can't take care of some things."
"That's exactly what it means, Tobias."
She leaned over to snatch it from him, but he moved it just out of her reach, a smirk on his face. She took it as a challenge and crawled over him, knocking it out of his hand. "Careful, Tris. That's government property." She sighed and started to stand when he caught her arm. Tobias pulled her back down, wrapping his arms around her when she nestled into him.
"Talk to me," he whispered. "Tell me what happened yesterday."
"I did."
"Christina said she never saw you that bad before. I just want to make sure you're okay."
She sighed and looked up at him for a moment. While it was true that she had never lost complete control like that before, she didn't need Christina blabbing that she'd ever been like that in the first place.
"I don't know how to describe it, really. After you got here…" Tris looked down at her lap, and started picking at a fingernail. "I ended up in the underground last night. I kinda wanted to be alone, and I let myself get a little lost looking at all their names. So many people…" She looked up at him, her vision blurring. "I think I just finally let it all in. I mean, I've been sad and I've cried, but I've still kept it sort of… away. I just... I read their names and I let it truly sink in, and I really couldn't… process the things they experienced. The fear, the betrayal, watching everyone die around them. I just laid down and I couldn't stop crying. I didn't mean to scare you, but I didn't want anyone to see me like that, or to feel even a shred of what I was feeling."
Tobias nodded as she wiped a stray tear. He understood not wanting to let it all in, keeping the pain at bay. He had done it for years as a child. He hadn't truly learned to deal with what he went through until he met Amar; though they didn't talk about it much, the advice he gave Tobias was enough to help him figure out how to deal with the things he had experienced. It had helped him to realize that it wasn't his fault that Marcus hit him, and that he couldn't have stopped him from killing Evelyn.
"Alexander told me he offered you help. How come you didn't take it?"
"I would have had to go to Erudite." Tobias nodded and pulled her closer. He didn't blame her for that decision. "Do you think you would want to talk to someone now? If they were here at the Bureau?"
Tris shrugged against him. "Honestly? I'm feeling better now. Like, I just sort of let it all out and left it in the tub."
"And if you find it again?"
Tris looked up to see the serious look on Tobias's face. "I really do feel better. But if it happens again, I will."
"Promise?"
She placed a hand on Tobias's chest, crinkling his shirt in her fist. Tobias held completely still as she looked from his jaw to his lips to his eyes. Tris leaned forward, and rested her head on his shoulder. "I promise," she whispered.
Not wanting to stay cooped up all day, the two found their way outside. Tris was pleased that the chill of winter was finally disappearing, that she wouldn't have to bundle up just to get a moment outside. They walked for a while until they gravitated to the greenhouses, content to spend their time planting and harvesting. They made small talk with each other and with anyone they were near until the light began to fade, their bodies sore from the day's labor.
They swung by the cafeteria and picked up a couple of sandwiches, taking turns eating and showering, and Tobias roused Tris when she started dozing on the couch.
"Sorry. I don't know why I'm so tired."
"It's fine. Why don't you go to bed? Be comfortable instead of cramped up on the couch with me."
Tris briefly wondered if Tobias just didn't want to be bothered by her nightmares, or if he didn't want to be so close to her. She nodded and stood up, rushing to her room without another word.
Her dreams differed every night, though they were rarely something you could define as good. They often featured her family or Tobias or her time in Erudite, sometimes a mixture of all three. They were all equally vivid, though their pain varied. The ones where she was still locked in a cell, unable to tell what was real, were the hardest to wake up from. She still had moments of confusion and doubt when she woke. They also made it more difficult for her to go back to sleep.
She was thrashing in her sleep, trying to avoid the syringes when she heard Tobias's voice. "Tris? Tris, wake up." Her eyes fluttered, focusing on the face that was only inches from hers. "You were calling out, so I just…" Tobias smoothed her hair back out of her face and rested his hand on her cheek until she leaned into it and sighed, letting him know she was okay. Tobias didn't know if it was habit or desire that propelled him forward, but he placed a soft kiss on her forehead, his lips lingering long enough to prove that he didn't just miss Tris, he wanted her.
He pulled back hastily, worried he might upset her. "Stay," she called out when he turned away from her. "Please?" He nodded and she scooted back, lifting her blanket so he could crawl in beside her. Her arms found their way around Tobias easily. She nuzzled into him, feeling his warmth as she nestled into the place where she belonged; it felt like she had finally found the piece of the puzzle she had been missing all along.
Opening herself back up wasn't going to be easy. She knew she was still broken, still hurting. But she also knew she wouldn't heal alone. Sure, she had Christina and Neil and some other people around the Bureau, but Tobias was different. The way he held her close and soothed her, assuring her that everything would be okay, let her know that he needed her just as much as she needed him. They would mend each other, forge themselves into something stronger, better.
They spent the next few days much like they did when they first met. Tris showed Tobias some of the changes that had been implemented around the Bureau. She talked about the housing project that she and Christina were responsible for and how it worked, explaining how they were able to incorporate both the factionless and the traitor Dauntless —whose punishment had been to have their memories wiped— into the team of outsiders who were helping to repair the damaged buildings in the city. They also continued to spend time in the greenhouses, both of them finding it relaxing and familiar.
Tobias found himself falling for her all over again. Each day he found something new to love, or rediscovered something that had been forgotten in the chaos. Even at night when Tris woke, terrified or unsure, or when she held him close and cried about something that had upset her, his heart always reached out, wanting to share its strength to make her whole again.
"What are you reading?" Tris asked as they lay in bed. It had become routine for them to spend some downtime together in the evenings, curled up on her couch or relaxing in bed.
"Just something from Therese."
Tris looked up from her book. Tobias was still focused on the tablet in front of him, though his eyes weren't moving. Tris hadn't given much thought to the amount of time he had spent focusing on her, but she could tell by the intensity of his face and his nervous swallow that it was time for her to shift that focus. "Have you talked to her? About Evelyn?"
Tobias nodded. "Just a little." He motioned to the tablet. "Therese said she would have been proud. That this was something she always wanted. Integrating everyone."
Tobias set the tablet down and ran a hand over his face. Speaking with Therese had been difficult, and knowing that Evelyn had confided more in her than she did him had stung initially. But he was only eleven when she left; he wouldn't have understood her concerns had she tried to share them with him. Unlike Evelyn, Tobias didn't have anything to fight for back then. It wasn't until he met Tris that he finally understood what it meant to lay down your life for someone else.
"I never said thank you, you know, for insisting that I wasn't damaged." He looked over at Tris who had put her book down. "For believing that I was… I dunno, worthy. And not just for what I had to offer, but for who I was inside."
"You are worthy," she whispered. "You always have been, and you always will be." Tobias smiled at her words, then held his breath as she crawled over to him, straddling his lap.
Tris watched as his eyes darted back and forth, darkening with each passing moment. She wrapped her arms around his neck and made note of how much she loved the crinkles that appeared in the corners of his eyes with the slight lift of his lips. It was almost torturous how slowly she leaned into him, but Tobias was patient as he tried to give her complete control of the situation. Tris kissed him softly at first, then more insistently when she was reminded of how perfectly they moved against each other. Tobias sat up straighter, his hands splaying across her back, pulling her closer.
"Tris," he whispered against her mouth.
"I love you," she responded. Tobias pulled away just enough to look her in the eyes. "I want to be a better person when I'm with you. You give me strength, Tobias. And understanding and compassion and love." Her eyes lowered as she took a moment to let her hands wander across his chest. "It might not always be easy or good, but Tobias, I want you to be there—"
He kissed her, cutting her sentence short. He didn't need her to say the words out loud: he'd felt them every single moment they'd spent together. Tris was right: loving each other wouldn't always be easy. But Tobias didn't care. Up or down, good or bad, he knew they had made an unspoken promise to always be there for one another.
She pressed herself against him, letting out a soft hum as her arms wrapped back around him. Her fingers trailed up his neck and threaded into his thick hair, sending a wave of goose bumps across his skin. He did the same thing to her, and ran his lips down her neck when she leaned back into his touch. Her gasp made him smile as he pressed soft kisses along her collarbone, his hands slowly pressing underneath her shirt.
Tris encouraged him again, throwing her head back as he raked his fingers up her back, turning them feather-light when he tickled his way back down. Tris fisted his shirt, and quickly pulled it up and over his head before removing her own. She pressed herself against him, clutching his shoulders as the skin-on-skin contact sent a wave of electricity through her; she hadn't even realized how badly she'd been craving that spark between them until it coursed through her body.
Tris kissed his neck, his shoulder as she rolled her hips slowly; Tobias let out a low, deep moan. She smiled as she pulled back from him, watching as his eyes roved over her body. In that moment, she felt the visceral connection that they'd always had, and even felt beautiful as his eyes came back to hers, their deep blue wordlessly conveying everything he felt for her. She gave him a shy smile as she trailed her hand down his bare chest, watching his breath catch as her hand slid between them.
"God I've missed you," Tobias blurted out as she ran her fingertips up and down his length. He had to resist every impulse that told him to lay her down and take her now. He blushed when she giggled and bit her lip, but she had never looked more confident, or more beautiful to him. "I love you, Tris," he whispered before leaning forward and pressing his lips to hers. "I love you so much." He clung to her and kissed her with a fervor even greater than what he had felt before. Tris was everything to him, and he knew he would nurture her and support her for the rest of his life, the same way she would for him.
Unable to restrain himself any longer, Tobias laid her down, taking a moment to look her over before kissing her again. His hand drifted lower, and Tris arched up, silently begging to feel him. "Tobias," she moaned, the both of them laughing when he teased along the waistband of her pants. He caved when she bit her lip again, reveling in the way Tris smiled when he finally gave her what she wanted. As much as he wanted to taste her, he couldn't pry his lips away from her mouth. Instead, he used his fingers and memorized her every movement: from the way she gyrated her hips, to the way she would break away from his kiss to voice her pleasure. He was precise as he took his time, teasing with painstakingly slow circles until she was a panting, shuddering mess.
"God, Tris," he whispered. He had never seen anything more exquisite than the raw emotion she was exuding. He shuddered, too, when he slipped a finger inside of her. He talked against her mouth, whispering how much he loved her, would always love her, as he worked to bring her over the edge again. Tris whispered the same things back to him until she could barely breathe, her body trembling as she came once more.
She wasted no time in removing the rest of her pajamas, urging Tobias to do the same: she needed him to feel as good as she did. She sat on her knees and gently trailed her fingertips along his length as she did before, only this time there was no barrier between them. He was hard, rigid, and it prompted her to explore a little, her confidence having grown knowing that she turned him on.
Tobias's breaths were rapid, stuttered as she leaned down, her warm mouth closing around him. He watched her as she took her time, lost in his own pleasure. Her movements replicated his: torturously slow, yet beyond pleasurable. He hadn't realized how close he was until she looked up at him through her lashes. Seeing her in that position, her gray eyes locked onto his with her mouth wrapped around him nearly made him lose it right then. He pulled her up quickly, kissing away her confusion as they laid down together.
He surprised her by sitting back on his heels and running his hands along her legs, taking his time to kiss up each one, moving to her hips, then her stomach, then her breasts. Tris relaxed into each touch, holding onto him and letting out a hum when he settled between her legs, his lips finding their way back to hers. Their fingers intertwined as he pulled her hands above her head, and eased himself inside of her: she had almost forgotten what it felt like to be connected like this, the contentment and the love and the trust that came along with intimacy. They moved in unison, and Tris let herself feel everything, absorbing the love, the pleasure, the passion until she was drunk with bliss, her build-up coming faster and faster until her eyes were screwed shut, mouth open in breathless satisfaction as she pulled Tobias over the edge with her.
She draped herself lazily over him afterwards, listening to the rhythm of his heart. Tris kissed his chest, smiling at the way it accelerated and how Tobias ran his hand up and down her back as a reward. She would never tire of how she felt when they touched, or how his body reacted to hers. She trailed her fingers across his stomach, muffling her chuckle as he drew his leg up, stilling her hand and begging her to not do it again between laughter. She sighed against him, as she focused on the scar on his leg.
Tris held her own arm out, looking between the two and thinking back to how they got them. It was a reminder that they would always have scars — some they could see, and some that they couldn't. Tris wrapped her arm tightly around Tobias; she no longer wanted to forget that day, or separate herself from the events that had happened — they would always be a part of her.
That night, Tris dreamt of a future with Tobias as she slept soundly in his arms. Waking up with hope was something Tris hadn't experienced in a long time. Though she was nervous about what her feelings meant, Tris was beginning to feel like her future could turn into something that would have made her parents proud.
A/N:
I wish I had knows that periods wouldn't show in chapter titles. This title is a companion of sorts to chapter 34. They were supposed to show
The Seed Needs the Water...
...Before it Grows out of the Ground
But, it seems like FFN disagreed. Let's just hope the email goes out properly today!
And I'm certain all of you are doing a happy dance right about now lol. So please leave me a review and let me know what you thought. Just one chapter left!