I'm back! (For now)

And the exhibition went splendidly thank'ee kindly for all the well-wishing!

Chapter 35: Median

Rey gulped uncomfortably, following Maz when she beckoned.

The little woman was laughing delightedly.

"Oh, my dear Ben!" she tittered more to herself, than Rey, "You really did it now didn't you? You scruffy little tach…"

When they reached on of the hanging gardens, Maz turned sharply on her heel, and shoved Rey onto one of the benches, then promptly stood with her hands on her hips and studied the slightly alarmed woman before her with twinkling, magnified eyes.

"Tell me everything!"

Rey could only gape at her.

"Come on girl, don't be shy. I can feel a difference in you, so there's really now use hiding it."

Rey shook her head slightly, trying to clear her fuzzed thoughts that were shaken so by the insistent little woman.

Maz rolled her eyes, "I understand if you want to keep this from Leia and Luke, and I somewhat agree with you…But do you really think it's clever to keep it all bottled up?" Her face softened when she cupped Rey's face and lifted her head so their gazes met.

After a drawn moment, Rey sighed and shook her head again.

Maz nodded, a vaguely triumphant smile on her face, and waited patiently.

"I don't know what you want me to say, Maz…" Rey's voice was shaky.

The woman reached down and plucked Rey's saber from her belt, then turned it over and over in her hands. Maz stared at it as if it was telling her all Rey's dirty secrets, explaining in fine detail just how the battle on Hoth went…And how it ended.

For all Rey knew, it most likely was.

"These are exceptional components… You built this on Yavin Four?"

"Yes."

"You got all these pieces from the temple?" Maz didn't even look surprised.

"Yes," Rey mumbled, quieter than she had last time, losing her brazenness.

"You got them from Ben's room, didn't you?"

Rey had to hand it to the woman, she pulled no punches.

"Yes." It was a whisper.

"And he was guiding you the whole way, wasn't he?"

Rey pinned the woman with her own challenging look once more, "You obviously know the answers, so why even ask?"

Maz laughed, completely unfazed, "Because I enjoy hearing you admit to it! And the way you answer me is rather telling on the whole."

Rey chose to ignore that for the time being, "How did you know I got them from his room?"

Maz shrugged, "If a person spends long enough with an item, they begin to imprint upon it. I can sense his mark in this saber, and I highly doubt that whatever you two actually got up to on Cato Neimoidia was enough to warrant this level of residual energy."

Rey didn't even know why she tried to defy this whirlwind of a woman in the first place. It was hopeless, as it had been before.

"Yes, he helped me on Yavin Four, and before you even ask, yes he helped me on Dromund as well. And yes," Rey's voice was low just in case the trees and vines had ears, "he helped me off Hoth."

Maz hooted a gleeful laugh, handing the hilt back to Rey.

"I knew it! You are a mediocre liar at best, Rey. I suggest you brush up on that if you wish to keep this whole affair secret-"

Rey shot Maz a withering look at the implications in her voice.

"-And don't even look at me like that, Kenobi-" Rey started slightly at hearing that name, her name. It would take some getting used to. "-I know these things when I see them. You and Ben have started something now, and I sincerely hope you'll finish it."

Rey was silent for a long time, her tight-lipped will cracking under Maz's loaded stare.

Dare she tell the woman?

How could she explain something she didn't even understand herself?

"Cato Neimoidia..." Rey breathed, "He didn't tell me my past then. He showed me his own memories, yes, but that was only later on Dromund, when I, uh, recognised his voice as the one in my Force terror…"

Maz was watching her with intrigued eyes. Rey could tell she was practically bursting at the seams for the story, but there was a patience to her poise that undoubtedly came with age. To be fair, she was also probably trying not to spook Rey into silence.

"We were almost normal, Maz," Rey hadn't meant to sound so forlorn, "In the bar on Neimoidia. We were- We had drinks, played pazaak, and talked. He didn't try anything, in fact, he seemed to want the peace of it just as much as I did. When I had to leave, I didn't want to. I didn't want to…And I got the feeling he didn't want to either."

Maz was nodding slowly, still enraptured.

"The memories…" Rey's gut twisted at the remembrance, "He showed me those in the hopes that it would make me hate him. Something about wanting to keep me safe- some status-quo bull I'm sure- and I tried I really did but…"

"You couldn't." This was not news to Maz.

She probably knew it from the start.

Rey shook her head, "And on Hoth, we fought at first," Rey mumbled, the words tumbling before she could stop them, "Like we were supposed to, like we're meant to…Then.." she swallowed heavily, her heart gripped with fear, but the fear wasn't of telling Maz, it was of actually saying the words herself. Out loud, and making it real. "We- We were caught in an avalanche. He used his body to shield me during the fall. He got hurt-"

Rey wanted to tell her. She wanted to get this off her chest, but she just couldn't sort out her own thoughts.

"-He didn't let me go after. He just held me and made sure I was unharmed. And after all that had happened…I couldn't get Cato Neimoidia out of my head, Maz. The way he looked at me, just for calling him by his name- I-" Even to herself, Rey had never heard her voice so beseeching for understanding, "Maz, we- Did something I don't- I-"

Rey was looking at her knees, unable to get the words out. How hard was it to say 'We kissed'? 'We did something impulsive and I don't know what the ever-loving fracking hell to do about it.'

Then Rey felt little hands on her shoulders, lightly rubbing circles where the fingers lay.

"It's alright, Rey," Maz's voice was gentle. Understanding. "It's alright. You two crossed an intimate line. You kissed, it's not so hard to see. And it's alright. Fantastic, actually."

Rey's eyes flew to Maz's face, stunned by the pure delight on the woman's features, "How, Maz? How is it alright? We're meant to be fighting each other not-"

"No, you're meant to be saving each other, and that's exactly what you're doing."

"Maz-" Rey's voice was filled with doubt.

"I actually need to amend that statement. You can't make him come back. You can only guide him. He needs to make the decision himself. But quite honestly, I'd say you're doing an excellent job."

That snapped something in Rey. It was something that had been niggling at her conscience, but it had never really made itself clear till now. She had been so willing to help him, she hadn't considered bringing him back to base as a possible move.

"That's the thing Maz! I had him right there, in the fighter. I was the one flying and I didn't…Was that wrong? To not bring him in? To just let him go back to Snoke?"

Maz sighed, "It may not seem like it, but I'd say it was. What good would have come of bringing him here? I can think of plenty that would have gone wrong."

Rey could, too. Leia's derailment. Luke losing focus. Force knows how Poe would've reacted, Rey certainly didn't. Most of the Resistance would have gone on a witch-hunt, calling for a lynching to make a statement. Rey would have been the only thing to stand between him and the baying for blood. They would have been easy pickings for the First Order in that state, and Rey would become a target for select groups of troops too. The ones who were less loving of Force-Users, that is. Their pet Jedi defending the poster boy of the enemy.

Maz was smiling as she watched the realisation show on Rey's face.

"You did the right thing, Rey. You followed your gut, and you did the right thing."

Rey laughed, "And yet, he's back with his Dark Master, here I am, a relative mess because of it, and some of these troops are relying on me to be a level headed leader! Maz, they called me Captain! I can't be a Captain…I can't lead these people with my disposition towards Ben Solo!" Rey's had to struggle to keep her voice down in her sudden panic. Maz seemed utterly unbothered by her outburst. She looked like she expected it. "Hell, I can't lead these people properly with my rather precarious stance in the Force, never mind Ben Solo."

"Rey-" Maz was about to argue, but Rey would have none of it.

"I annihilated that temple on Dromund, Maz. Destroyed it. There is not a single person left alive in it. On Hoth, I did similar. I can't count how many people I've killed with my lightsaber alone, never mind use of the Force. And that, Maz, is one hell of a body count. All dead by means of the Dark-"

Again, Maz tried to intercede, but Rey was spilling now, and wasn't about to stop.

"-But I don't want to give up those tools, Maz, because I felt good in being able to defend my troops, even if it was only possible with that more sinister side of the Force, and I enjoy the power it gives me. It makes me feel like I can make a discernible difference…" Her tone was calming down now, having poured out most of her fears and misgivings, "I just don't know if that's what these people need. They need someone like Luke. Someone Light, someone who can embody all of those Jedi paragons. I am not that person."

Maz regarded her for a heavy moments, for once taking the time to formulate an answer rather than just say what was at the front of her mind.

When she did speak, it was with a warmth that Rey was not expecting, and a chuckle that startled her, "You poor child," she shook her head, her expression one of reverence, "How did you manage to keep all of this so close to your heart, so guarded, and not let it crack you clean in half?"

Slowly, Rey's breathing was returning to normal. She felt oddly calm.

Maz looked at her with deep affection, "Rey, my dear. In this time, we don't need heroes, or mythical saviours. We need people. People who don't always do the easy, or right, thing. People who remind us what it means to be sentient. People who walk that line between Dark and Light, and get burned while they get saved. People who still come out the other end and say 'I survived.'" Maz cupped Rey's cheek again. "You are that person, my dear. And Ben will be another once he regains his sense. There's no room in this galaxy for Jedi, or Sith, or whatever the next big Force Religion is…History has proven that time and time again."

Rey took a deep breath and nodded, though still dubious.

Maz, however, was not finished, and now had an almost nostalgic look on her face, "Do you know what the single greatest threat was to the Jedi and the Sith of the old times?"

Rey shrugged, unable to formulate any strength to speak.

"Grey Jedi. Force Users who proved that one could exist in perfect harmony, drawing on both sides of the Force. They maintained a peaceful existence in spite of loving, being impassioned, and hating. They managed great feats in the old wars, and saved many lives with sheer power and brutal ability, despite being persons of great serenity and calm outside of the battlefield. They contradicted everything the two extremes stood for, and yet they flourished. Granted, they had to flee from both groups for fear of their lives- those were terribly dark times indeed- but those who managed it thrived."

Was that truly what Rey was? A 'Grey Jedi'? It certainly sounded an attractive prospect, and matched what she felt with regards to the Force. But she just couldn't shake the fear that she would not be enough somehow. Rey had not forgotten that she had spent most of her life as a lowly scavenger on Jakku. Now here she was, the granddaughter of the legendary General Kenobi and, to her troops, a Jedi.

Kenobi.

"Maz," Rey asked softly, something strange occurring to her, "Why didn't you recognise me before?"

She shrugged, "Well, because I didn't know you. You yourself did not know your history, how was I to know you?"

Rey looked at the woman, confused.

Maz shook her head, "Saying 'the eyes are the windows to the soul' does not only function as a fancy turn of phrase. It is a truth. You, however, did not know a thing about yourself when I first met you. I can't divine what people don't already know, or sense."

It was an extraordinary concept, that one's history could define them so.

What then made a person an individual, in the eyes of the Force? A name was such a flimsy thing, yet it carried so much weight.

And Rey was sure everyone on base would know her name soon, and hold her to it.

Except she had no inkling of learned Kenobi in her, and she was no Jedi. To top it all off, she felt something for the enemy.

Rey was terrified.

Maz patted her knees affectionately, "I can't say anything that will ease your anxiety over all of this. All I can advise is that you continue to do what you've been doing. Follow your instincts, Rey. They haven't failed you yet-" The woman offered her a reassuring, and oddly proud-smile. "-As far as the troops go-" Maz's gaze was diverted, and Rey turned to see Finn, Poe, and Myri hovering impatiently by one of the arches. "-I'd suggest you go spend some down time with them. Enjoy yourself and relax before Luke and Leia get their claws into you again for some or other mission. And remember, your secrets are safe with me. I've been around long enough to know when silence is the most effective weapon."

Rey nodded gratefully at the beaming little woman, and bent down to give her one last hug before loping over to the antsy trio.

Finn considered her carefully as she approached, and grabbed Poe's shoulders melodramatically when she came to rest before them.

"Are we sure she's not a mirage? I mean, a trick or somethin'."

Poe mimicked a thoughtful beard-stroke, and Myri rolled her eyes.

"I don't know Finn," Poe said, moving to peer closely at Rey, who was doing her best not to burst into fits of giggles at Myri's expressions, "I think some thorough testing is in order! Perhaps some pazaak, some whiskey, some storytelling-" he prodded her in the ribs, and an involuntary laugh burst forth as Rey flinched away from his touch, covering the ticklish spot, "Oh sweet Force she's actually real. Someone crack out the good stuff!"

Rey couldn't help but feel a twinge of guilt. She truly had been very absent. It hit her then just how much she had missed Poe and Finn. Myri, too, was becoming a fast friend. She pulled Poe into her arms then, stunning him speechless before moving to hug both Finn and Myri in a similar fashion.

"Sure we can, sure we can!" Rey laughed, "Please, I'd like that a lot."

Poe's smile faltered, letting some old sadness flash through, and then it was gone.

He knew.

He could see the familiar, haunted look most likely behind her eyes.

Poe slung an arm around her shoulders then, his smile back where it was, and guided her out of the gardens. Finn and Myri followed close behind, twittering to and fro.

As they walked, Rey noticed that the base didn't have the best feel about it. In fact, it was unusually dead. Hoth's loss had hit the Resistance hard, probably just as hard as it had during the time of the Rebels.

Poe noticed her distraction.

"Don't worry, buddy," he squeezed her shoulders, "We'll do some card-counting, have some caffa, and you can tell us all sortsa tales from beyond the Rim. We'll even get Chewie and the droids in on the action!"

Rey flashed him an eager smile, happy to be able to spend time with her friends.

Friends.

Such a foreign concept such a long time ago.

They're good for you.

Rey hadn't even noticed the bond open up. Warmth flooded her system unbidden at his tender tone.

I'm glad to see you got home safely, Rey.

And yourself? She asked, allowing Poe and the others to lead her to an empty-ish common room, scattering to pull together the drink, the droids, and the wayward Wookie.

Home is somewhat relative. For now, Korriban or Hux's flagship will have to do.

Her heart ached at his blatantly false apathy.

Ben…

I will not disturb you further, I simply meant to make sure you were alright.

You're not bothering me, Ben.

On the contrary…

The tether surged with his astonishment, but he did not explore it further.

Nevertheless, I'm thankful you're safe.

Ben-

But he was gone, and in spite of her earlier confusion, Rey found herself wishing she could have a little more time with Ben Solo.