It might have been a long time, but this story is still not done. The updates will just be a little slow to come, until I finish my master.
Anyway... SM owns.
Thanks to GeekChic and Mari, as usual.
Chapter 36
Present
Edward's POV
"Why did you sell the club?" Dr. Medina asks me at the start of today's session. She has asked me this question before, and I haven't been able to answer it.
"Dr. Medina…"
She shakes her head. "You know why you sold it. You just have to share it with me."
During these sessions, I've been very open and honest about everything she's wanted to know.
We've already tackled my parents and my need for control, but everything related to Bella has been harder than I thought it'd be.
She knows the basics of what happened. It's the part where I feel like Bella is my answer to everything that's been hard for me. It makes me feel like a fraud, as if I'm blaming her for my actions.
Why did you fight with Emmett? Because Bella slept with someone else, and I couldn't handle it.
Why did you get married to Tanya? Because I made Bella leave, and I wanted to redeem myself for what I'd done to her.
Why did you sell the club? Because I can't walk inside it without hearing Bella's sounds of pleasure on the stage.
"I don't know why I sold the club," I say to Dr. Medina once I'm out of my head. "I just needed to get rid of it."
"Why, Edward? Why did you need to get rid of it?"
I groan in frustration. "Because I couldn't fucking deal with it anymore."
"Okay then," she says, not even frazzled by my outburst.
"I don't want to talk about the club," I say after a few minutes of silence.
She nods.
We move to somewhat safer topics. She makes me talk about how I feel when I'm doing a BDSM scene. I spend the rest of the session explaining to her that having that much power over someone else makes me feel free, that when I'm commanding a scene, there is no room for mistakes, and that the pressure to perform flawlessly, not only for me, but for the sub, gives me peace.
I think what she really wants to know is if I'm a sociopath, by which I can't even be offended.
"Time's up," she says after I'm finished talking.
I nod and stand up.
"See you next week," I say.
Dr. Medina smiles a warm smile, pleased by my commitment to keep coming. "One more thing," she says, changing her expression to the impassive one I've become used to. I'm tempted to sit back down to brace myself.
I decide to stay standing and wave at her to speak.
"You bought the club after you married Tanya because BDSM is a part of who you are, as is your voyeuristic streak. It was your way to stay connected to your memories of Bella in a more tangible way, in a structured way, instead of just locking yourself inside your mind with her. You sold it because she went to the club and tarnished what it was supposed to mean. It was no longer a way to stay connected to her, because it became an actual part of your memories."
Dr. Medina's words are delivered at a normal pace, but they feel like they rushed out of her and punched me in the chest.
I stare at her in silence, unable to reply to her statement, even if she's right.
The decision to stay upright is taken from me when my legs give out. The sound of my body hitting the couch again takes me by surprise.
I leave Dr. Medina's office one more hour later with a black journal in my hands.
Dear journal,
I don't know what I'm supposed to write. Dr. Medina says I should use this to let out the things I can't bring myself to say to her—or anyone.
I guess she knows I'm not that expressive when it comes to opening up. I don't know what makes her think I'll be able to keep this journal, but I'll try.
Something I couldn't bring myself to tell her today? I don't think BDSM is part of who I am anymore. Bella is.
Thanks for reading.