Author's note: Wee bit of angst in here. Hope it satisfies.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Chapter 35
Scars
How could I forget? Regret is a needle, in my neck. It's slowly filling me, with poison, spreading to my chest.
Take my pain and numb me from this.
Why, do I have to beg? when all that's left, is a memory. Forsaken." - 'Forsaken' - Skillet
"N-no. Please." He stuttered. "Please, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Stop." His head tossed back and forth. His breathing was quick and shallow. His brow furrowed as sweat dripped down it. His eyes were squeezed tight. "Please. I'm sorry! Logan!" James shot straight up in his spot, breathing hard, then ran a shaky hand through his hair.
"James?" A voice called softly.
Despite how soft and quiet it was, James jumped at the sound, and spun his head to his right. Then he breathed a sigh of relief, bringing a hand to his pounding chest. "Logan, you scared me." He breathed.
"Right back at you." Logan said, concerned eyes fixed on him. James lowered his head in shame, and Logan softened. "Have you been having nightmares as long as Carlos has?"
"Since the day we got out." James answered shamefully. Then he looked at Logan with concern in his eyes. "Is-"
"Carlos is fine now." Logan assured. "I talked to him last night about it." He glanced over at the sleeping boy on the couch behind them. "Looks like his nightmares are gone now." Then he turned back to James. 'What about you?"
James sighed. "It's stupid really." He waved off. "You should get back to bed. You need your rest if you ever want to fully heal."
Logan gave him an incredulous, yet gentle look. "James." He coaxed softly.
James stared at him, then sighed again. "They're about. . ." His voice cracked and he trailed off.
"In there?" Logan asked softly. "In the. . .Basement?"
James nodded slowly. "When he. . .W-when I. . ." His voice kept cracking and tears rose in his eyes.
Logan gathered him in his arms. "James, it's not your fault." Logan said softly in understanding. "Please stop blaming yourself."
James silently cried into Logan's shoulder, squeezing him tight. "I hurt you." He croaked out. "I hurt you so badly."
"Shhhh." Logan soothed. "I don't blame you. I know you didn't want to, I know you didn't do it on purpose. And I'm sorry you had to go through that." Tears surfaced in Logan's eyes. "I'm sorry." He repeated in a whisper, his voice cracking.
"I wanted to stop." James cried softly. "But he held that gun and I was so scared he was gonna shoot you guys. I wish he just shot me. I wish he just killed me so I didn't hurt you."
"Don't say that." Logan said firmly, and pulled away, looking him in the eyes while holding his shoulders. "Don't ever think that it would've been better if you died, James!"
"But I hurt you." James croaked sadly. "If I was dead I wouldn't have hurt you."
"James,". Logan sighed. "I didn't care that I got hurt, because I knew you guys were all okay. If you died James. . .If he shot you, I don't know what I would've done. I'm so thankful he didn't kill you."
James stared at him. "Logan." He croaked out.
Logan wrapped his arms around him again. "Shhh. Enough blaming yourself. You have no reason to. You saved all of us by doing what you did James. He would've killed us if you didn't do it."
James squeezed him tight, silent sobs wracking his body. "I'm so sorry." He whispered.
"It's okay James." Logan whispered back. "It's okay."
They stayed like that for a while. James was having trouble really accepting Logan's words. Finally, James' sobs seemed to slow and he was slowly calming down.
Logan carefully pulled away to look at him. "Are you okay?" He asked.
James sniffled, staring at the floor. "I don't know." He whispered.
"So, you still don't believe me?" Logan asked gently.
"I want to." James said. "But the guilt. . .I just can't." He chuckled bitterly and looked up at Logan. "Now I know how you feel."
Logan smiled sadly. "Not easy, is it?"
James shook his head. "I'm sorry Logan. I wish there was a way I could make it right."
Logan laid a hand on James' arm. "There is. Forgive yourself."
James stared at him. Then at Logan's light smile, he smiled back and nodded. "I'll try my best."
Logan nodded back, his smile growing ever so slightly. "Good. And I'll try my best to believe you guys. We'll get through this James; as long as we stick together, and trust each other. No more hiding problems and feelings. It just destroys us in the end."
James sighed. "You're really smart, you know that?" He joked lightly.
Logan draped an arm around his shoulders. "I must be, if I stayed friends with you guys all this time." He smiled. "Love you."
James smiled back, then leaned his head on Logan's shoulder. "Love you too."
"Get some rest now James." Logan said softly.
"You too." James said, and they returned to their spots, falling into a dreamless sleep.
"Are you sure?" Camille asked surprised. "Maybe he was just so bad that you all imagined it to make it easier. That would make more sense."
"Nope." Kendall shook his head with a smile. "Gustavo was actually nice yesterday!"
"But. . ." Jo trailed off. "He's Gustavo! 'Nice' isn't even in his vocabulary!"
"I guess he had it hidden away and forgot about it all this time." Logan teased. The boys were sitting by the pool with the girls in the nice, warm sun.
"I just can't believe it." Camille said.
"Neither could we." James said.
"Or Katie and dad." Carlos said.
"Mom seemed to have a pretty easy time believing it." Kendall said, shaking his head. "I don't get how though."
"She's a mom." Logan reasoned. "She always sees the best in people. Even people as hard as Gustavo."
"Well I'm glad." Jo said. "It's about time he showed you boys some respect and compassion."
Kendall wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "It was really refreshing."
I'll bet." Camille said. "Especially with all the stress you guys have been under lately. You guys totally deserve a break."
"Thanks." James said with a smile. "Though to be fair, it has eased up a little. Especially since we went back to work."
"Yeah." Carlos agreed. "It all started getting better when dad and Mama Knight adopted Logan!" He said and shot Logan a huge grin.
"I can see that!" Camille exclaimed with joy. "How's it feel by the way, Logan? To officially be brothers with these guys now?"
Logan blushed. "Honestly? Not all that different, yet not the same either."
"What do you mean?" Jo asked.
"Well,". Logan began uncertainly. "It's like, I always felt like a part of this family. They've always made me feel like it. But, now, with how official and. . .Real it is, I don't know. It's different." He shrugged, then smiled. "But I couldn't be happier." He said softly.
"Well we're glad." Camille smiled. "And really, it's about time. You guys are so close, I'm surprised your parents didn't order shared custody of all of you, with all of them already!"
"Well we don't need fancy papers to tell us that we're brothers." Kendall said with a smile as he pulled Logan into a one-armed hug, pulling Jo closer in the process. "We've been brothers since the day we met."
"Nine years." James mused. "It seems longer." They all sat there, lost in their thoughts for a while.
Then Carlos jumped up, patting his helmet onto his head. "Well I'm going swimming. Who's in?" He stood in front of them and stared expectantly.
"Count me in!" James jumped up. "Girls?" He asked.
"Nah." Camille waved. "We actually gotta go start rehearsing."
Jo sighed. "Right. Sorry guys." She leaned up and kissed Kendall before standing.
"See you later then." Kendall waved.
"Bye." Logan waved, and the girls waved back as they left.
"Alright, what about you guys?" James asked.
Logan shook his head. "No thanks."
"Aaaaaw, but Logie!" Carlos whined. "It's Summer! You're suppose to swim as much as you can in Summer!"
"Yeah, it's like, the best way to beat the heat!" James said. "Plus you yourself said that you're healing great! Swimming should be a piece of cake! Come on, please?"
"Sorry." Logan muttered, dropping his gaze. "I just. . .Don't want to right now."
"Why?" James asked. "It's the perfect day! Who knows when we'll get another perfect day like this for swimming! You really want to miss this?"
"Pleeeeease?" Carlos pleaded.
Logan closed his eyes, wishing they would stop. "I'm sorry." He said a little more forcfully, urging them to go on without him. "I can't." He subconsciously pulled the sleeves of his long-sleeved shirt further down.
"Why not?" Carlos asked. "Are you scared of the water? You've never been scared of water before. And you're a great swimmer! Plus I'm right there to make sure you won't drown. And James and Kendall are here too! Why would you-"
"I just can't! Okay?" Logan shouted, catching everyone off guard, then he sighed. "I'm sorry. Just go on without me, I'll watch. It's okay, really."
James and Carlos shared a confused, yet concerned look, then looked to Kendall, who shrugged. "Logan." James tried.
"Please." Logan said softly. "I just can't go swimming today. I can't go and change my clothes and get into the water and splash around and play today."
'Change my clothes.' Realization dawned on Kendall, and he stared at his friend in sympathy. "'Cause of the scars." He realized out loud, in a soft whisper. Logan nodded solemnly.
James' and Carlos' eyes widened in realization. "Oh god, Logan." James began. "I'm so sorry. I didn't think and I. . .I completely forgot and. . ." He fumbled.
"I'm sorry Logie." Carlos said quietly.
Logan closed his eyes and sighed. "It's okay guys. It's no big deal. Just, go ahead and swim and have fun. I'll watch from here. I'm a little tired anyways. And who knows? Maybe sometime soon I'll be all better, and be back to normal and swimming with you guys again." He tried to sound cheerful.
James and Carlos just stood their with guilt all over their faces.
"Go on." Logan pushed gently. "It's okay."
Kendall then wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "Yeah, it's okay guys." He said, looking at the pair in front of them. "I'll stay here and keep Logie company. Go on and have some fun in the water before we lose the sun."
James and Carlos shared a look. "But-" James started.
"Don't make me push you in." Logan teased. "Really. I'm fine. I have Kendall right here and I can watch easily. Now go on. Give me a good show." He smiled.
Finally, They relaxed a little. "We will." Carlos smiled with a nod.
A smile finally crossed James' face as well. "Yeah, okay. Thanks Loges."
Logan smiled. "No problem. Now go, before it gets too crowded."
"See ya Logie!" Carlos called as he and James jumped into the pool, already lost in the sea of water and teens playing.
Logan watched them with a smile until they were out of sight, then sighed.
"You okay?" Kendall asked softly, tightening his hold around him just slightly.
Logan hesitated, then nodded. "Yeah, I think so."
"What's on your mind?" Kendall asked.
Logan stared at him for a minute, debating whether to tell him or not. When Kendall's eyes softened, and he smiled with an encouraging nod, Logan finally relented. "It's just. . .I hate it."
"Hate what?" Kendall coaxed gently.
"The. . .Scars." Logan admitted quietly. "The constant reminder of. . .Everything."
"Oh." Kendall said quietly, dropping the arm he had around Logan's shoulders.
"They ruin everything." Logan said miserably, slumping down and laying in his seat. "It's like, no matter how good everything is now, or how happy I am, I'm just constantly reminded of how bad things were before, everytime I look in the mirror. I hate getting that awful feeling of fear and doubt and dread all over again. I just want to be happy for once! But I guess I'm not allowed to." He ranted, quiet enough so as not to attract unwanted attention.
Kendall looked down at him. "That's not true Logan." He said firmly, yet gently.
Logan sighed. "I guess not. But it just, feels like it sometimes." He said bitterly.
Kendall mimicked Logan's sigh, running a hand through his hair. "Yeah, I guess it does. More often than I'd like, actually."
"And the worst part,". Logan began, looking up at Kendall. "Is that it doesn't just effect me; but all of you too. The guys, Mrs. Knight, Mr. Garcia, Katie, everyone has to suffer because of these stupid little marks all over me that won't heal or let me forget."
Kendall laid down beside him, using his own arm as a pillow. "It only effects us because we care about you so much, and don't like to see you upset."
Logan smiled then. "I know. I think I'm starting to get used to that fact now." Then he looked shamefully at his hands. "But part of me wishes you didn't, so that you wouldn't get hurt anymore." He admitted quietly. "I hate it when you guys are hurt or sad. And I hate being the cause of it."
Kendall wrapped his other arm around Logan's shoulders again, giving him a gentle squeeze. He didn't even care that the pool was filled with onlookers. He didn't care because he was comforting his brother. "We don't like it when you're hurting either." Kendall said softly. "We love you Logie."
Logan smiled then. "I love you guys too." He said. They were both vaguely relieved that practically everyone in the Palm Woods knew about Logan being adopted into Kendall's family, otherwise that may have sounded a bit odd to eavesdroppers. But they didn't really care. They were brothers, and they loved each other just like a family would.
It was then that they finally caught sight of James and Carlos in the pool. They were both laughing, but as James helped Carlos out of the pool, Kendall and Logan noticed Carlos cradling his wrist.
Kendall sighed. "I guess it wouldn't have been normal if Carlos didn't hurt himself every ten minutes."
Logan shook his head as he chuckled. "Nothing about any of us is normal. But like Katie said, that's just what makes this family work."
"She sure is a smart one, that one." Kendall said proudly.
Logan seemed to spot something and he chuckled. "Yeah, maybe a little too smart." He said, pointing in the direction of the lobby.
Kendall followed his gaze to see Katie standing in the lobby doorway, doubled over in laughter, as she held up a video camera, pointed at the now charging James and Carlos.
"We'd better go after them before Carlos hurts himself even more." Logan chuckled, then stood. "You coming?" He looked down at his friend.
Kendall stared up at him, then smiled. "Yeah." He said then stood, wrapping an arm around his shoulders as they followed James and Carlos, who were chasing Katie. Everything was getting back to normal.