Guest: Rose is going to redeem herself (sort of)…

Patsy: Ready to rumble? Thanks for the review!

Melanie: Thanks! I hope you enjoy this chapter! Some things are going to be a lot clearer afterwards.

Clarice: Derek is going to grow a bit (but after reading your review I feel sort of bad about what's going to happen in this chapter, I really hope you aren't mad).

Guest2: Meredith has a lot to deal with!

Susan: You'll find out ;) Thanks for the review!

Darlene: Thanks for the review! Those papers are going to play a vital role in this chapter.

Dora: You'll find out ;) I don't think Rose can break up MerDer.

Shelley: thanks!

Margaret: Yeah, grad school has been a rather gruesome experience for me – never felt closer to a mental breakdown than during my first semester of grad school. Things get better! Hope this story lightens up your day!

Cindy Lou: Thanks for the review!

Chapter 37

My least favourite phrase in the human language is „I'm sorry". Nine out of ten times when a person says they are sorry, they're only sorry they got caught and want you to forgive them for something you're still pissed about. People generally think of forgiveness as the flip side of contrition, the obligatory response to an apology. It's not. Forgiveness is to answer the call of our better angels and bear our wounds as the cost of doing business. It's the rarest of things. Once we are able to forgive we are able to heal. But how do you know if you re ready?

Two weeks after Derek had left Meredith was back in Seattle. Everything had changed and everything was different. Cristina was the only one who knew that Meredith was back. She had called her on Thursday night and had said that she was coming over to sort a few things out. The two women sat in the Emerald Bar and talked over tequila shots and beers.

„We hurt each other and I lost a baby" Meredith said after she had downed three shots in a row. „A perfect little baby"

„You'll get Zola back" Cristina tried to encourage her. The case was still pending. The judge hadn't decided on a hearing date, social services didn't have a clue what was going on.

„I'm not talking about Zola." Meredith said and leaned over to Cristina after taking a shot „I was pregnant."

„It was McDreamy's, right?" Cristina wondered.

„Of course, it was." Meredith said and threw away her shot glass „I haven't slept with anybody since we got married. I'm not the one that is running around kissing research assistants."

„Does he know?" Cristina hadn't talked to him since he was back. She knew that he had started to meet his scrub nurse, but he had been in an awful mood all week.

„No, and I don't know how to tell him because I don't know how to talk to him without wanting to punch him." Meredith said and watched Derek and Rose coming into the bar „Losing one child has been bad enough and now he's there talking to this … doe-eyed little thing… Rose, she's his scrub nurse."

„You know her?" Cristina was surprised. She had only learned her name through the normal hospital gossip.

„I stood next to her during close to fifty surgeries." Meredith explained. One thing her mother had told her was never to underestimate the importance of a good scrub nurse and professionally Rose was a good scrub Nurse, privately Meredith felt an Impulse to punch her even harder than she wanted to punch her estranged husband. „I know her name. He's moving on."

„That's bullshit. Mer." Cristina said.

„No, just look at him, something, there's something and I want to talk to him, no I need to talk to him, there's something we have to talk about." Meredith said and Cristina realized just how intoxicated Meredith was.

„The divorce?" Cristina wondered as she held her back.

„No, not the divorce." Meredith said and looked at her. „Maybe there's still a chance if we talk, but if there isn't… there isn't. I'm not able to forgive him."

„Don't tell me your are doing that desperate charade called couple's counseling." Cristina said.

„No, but I was pregnant." Meredith said „and he deserves to know, but he's been acting like a jackass and I'm afraid to talk to him"

„You exercised your legal right…" Cristina said „he doesn't has to know"

„No, Cristina I didn't." Meredith said „I lost it the day he came over to discuss the progress I had made on his trial. One minute I was fine and the next moment there was no heart beat and we were fighting. I was alone when the removed every last bit of the pregnancy from the uterus. He wasn't there and I don't know if I can forgive him for not being there."

„He doesn't know?" Cristina wondered. At twelve weeks he must have noticed something.

„He doesn't. I felt so alone and all I could think of was how badly I wanted him to be there and that I didn't ever want to feel that way again. What we had, no what we have is worth fighting for."

„Let's go home Mer, you are drunk and tomorrow is another day."

It was the morning after Derek had left when Meredith waited in her OBGYN's practice for her second ultrasound. „Dr. Grey, glad to have you back. How have you been feeling?"

„I'm fine." She said even though she wasn't. The OBGYN applied the gel and started to look at the monitor. In a few seconds she'd hear the baby's heartbeat. It had been one of her favorite moments during her first pregnancy. She looked from one side and from the other and her face looked increasingly more concerned.

„There's no heartbeat." Meredith said. She had been waiting too long.

„This isn't unusal." the OBGYN said and tried a few other positions.

„But, what's the matter?" Meredith looked at her. She knew what this meant. „Why are you looking at the measurements? There's no heartbeat and it hasn't grown the way it's supposed to. I miscarried, didn't I?"

The woman looked at her and nodded „It looks that way, Dr. are going to do an HCG test and another ultrasound to confirm it, but I'm afraid it looks like it"

Meredith kept starring at the monitor. This had been her baby, her joy, her mini copy of Derek, her reason to go on, but now Derek was gone and the baby was dead. She was in Boston and he was in Seattle. But after the first shock had worn off she felt relieved and she hated herself for it. „I'm very sorry Dr. Grey. Do you want me to call somebody?" the OBGYN interrupted her thoughts. She looked up and nodded.

When Meredith walked into the hospital the next day she saw that Derek was talking to Rose at coffee cart. She looked at them, but didn't hear a word. „Rose, no, I don't want to meet tonight. You can complain all you want, but I don't want to" he said.

Rose took her cup and poured its contents over his scrub top and lab coat. Meredith couldn't help herself but smile as she walked away. She wanted to visit George and she hadn't seen Lexie since she had left. She looked at the door to the surgical wing. This had been her arena, now she was just a visitor. She checked if somebody was in the resident locker room, but it was empty. When she turned around, she saw her sister. „Mer? You are back?" Lexie hugged her overly enthusiastically. Meredith looked at her and didn't quite recprocicate the hug. She wasn't ready to feel joy or happiness the way she would have been able to two weeks ago.

„I'm sorting out a few things" Meredith nodded. „I'll be back in Boston on Monday." She wasn't here to stay. She wanted to meet Derek, talk to the lawyer and she wanted to fight to have a part in Christopher's life.

„Do you know what you are going to do?" Lexie wondered. She hadn't talked to her sister since Meredith had left.

„What do you mean?" Meredith wondered. There were a million things she had to deal with and she was clueless about where to start. Her feelings would be a good starting point, but in order to address those, she'd have to talk about a lot of things she wasn't yet able to talk about. She wasn't even sure if she wanted everybody to know.

„Derek, Christopher, your family, your marriage, the house you built in the woods." Lexie said „He doesn't admit it, he missed you so much, he's been unbearable at work, he didn't shave and he drank a lot and then he started obsessing over his research."

„Research or making out with that dooey eyed research assistant or that nurse?" Meredith spat out. Lexie looked shocked. She obviously had not heard of what happened between Derek and Renee in Boston.

„Renee left." Lexie said „She quit after they came back from Boston. Which nurse?" She had been too busy to notice anything.

„A nurse." Meredith said „He invited her for coffee this morning and he kissed his research assistant when he was in Boston. He's getting around."

„Jackass." Lexie said.

„Yeah, I thought we had time to fix this, I came home to fix this, to work on us, but apparently it's too late." Meredith said „I have to go, Lex. We'll talk. Callie's waiting for me."

It had been a day since the miscarriage had been detected. The HCG hormone test had confirmed the diagnosis and Meredith was in her OBGYN's practice again. It'd be a small procedure. „A local anasthesia is fine. I have to work tomorrow." She replied after the doctor had asked her if she was sure about this. She didn't want to take two days off for an ordinary D&C. Her doctor would go in and removed all the small pieces of her placenta that were still in there. The last pieces of a life that was never meant to happen.

Meredith sat on the chair dressed with a hospital gown and looked at the doctor. She was aware of what was about to happen. She had performed this procedure before herself. She didn't want her to go through with it, but she knew that it was inevitable. She had placed her legs on the stirrups like she had during the pelvic exam the day before or during the first ultrasound. She looked at the speculum before it was inserted into her vagina, she watched her doctor take the clamp that would hold her pelvix in place. She observed her doctor's moves like she was observing a procedure from the gallery, like it hadn't been her that miscarried. Like everything was fine. She had gotten medication that had helped her uterus to widen and watched at her doctor take a curette from the table. In a second she'd feel the touch of the Instrument despite her uterus being numbed. And there it was- the scrapping of the lining and the sound of suction. Nobody held her hand, Maggie would have offered to after she had called her the day before, but she didn't want to burden her and after 20 minutes she was done, ready to go, ready to leave like nothing had ever happened. It hadn't been her fault, it had been nobody's fault." Those things happened. We're so sorry" The staff at the practice had told her, but it didn't feel like a consolation.

Meredith sat on a sofa in a bridal saloon waiting for Callie to come out again. Callie had tried on about thirty dresses that all looked alike to Meredith. She almost admired her stamina. „Meredith, I can't decide and it's important. White, soft white, ivory or champagne." Callie said after she came out of the changing room again. The sales person looked annoyed, but she was polite anyway as Meredith had told her Callie's Story.
„Relax Callie." Meredith smiled and walked up to her.
„People are going to notice. People are going to care." Callie insisted „Technically it's my second marriage, I shouldn't wear white. Is ivory okay?
„Callie, I don't even remember my own wedding. I wore a black dress I bought for $85 at Macy's a few years before that." Meredith smiled and tried to think of that night. „Do you remember what Cristina's dress looked like?
„No." Callie admitted.
„You remember that she didn't get married." Meredith explained „As long as you do get married, nobody will remember the dress. They'll remember that you looked happy and beautiful. Did that help?" She hoped it did.
„Yes. It did." Callie nodded „You are good at that. Sort of. You are excellent at it considering that you are getting divorced. How's Boston?"
„The Chief of surgery hit on me until I mentioned that I have a kid." Meredith smiled „The guy who interviewed me in New York couldn't shut up about what a pity it was to have lost Derek to Seattle Grace and what a privilege it was working with him… I had a great time in Boston. I mean I missed Christopher, but working with Dr. Springer and Dr. Avery has been a true priviledge. Jackson's grandfather is awesome."
„They fired you here and you are working with Harper Avery?" Callie asked in awe.

„'Dr. Grey' is a brand and our glioma trial did help." Meredith smiled „and Jackson did. But I'm going to be back for the wedding."
„That was something I was not worried about, Meredith." Callie said „Don't you think it's like running away?
„It's not like I have that much of a choice if I want to continue my residency." Meredith smiled.
„You're impressive." Callie said.
„Am I?" Meredith wondered.
„Look, there's always been a lot of hype surrounding you, okay? "Meredith Grey, ooh, child of Ellis." "Ooh, isn't she so special?""Callie paraphrased.
„I don't have to be your maid of honor." Meredith said.
„No, no, no, that's not that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying you're tougher than I thought." Callie said „I'm saying, you're smart. I'm saying okay, look you know, we've never been friends, not even when I was with George. Mainly because you thought I was a freak and you're blonde and very And now you have a kid, and I have a baby, and we're both married, and I don't know. I'm saying, we're both alike."
„You're not a freak. We both get married in Vegas, it takes a certain kind of crazy to do that and we are friends." Meredith smiled „We are both mothers. And for the record I never condoned what Izzie did with George. And now I have a husband to talk to."
„I really hope you get Zola back." Callie still felt guilty.
„I really hope you and Sofia." Meredith started, but Callie interrupted her „I'm not her mom. A mom is warm and caring and protective"
„You will become her mother. She is your child. She may have left your womb prematurely, but you are her mother and …" Meredith paused and remembered her procedure. „Sometmes it takes us a long time to heal, but she's alive and I'm sure she's beautiful -and one day you'll feel like it."
When the girls walked out of the saloon the police pulled up and asked Callie to come with them. They had found him.

Meredith looked at the entrance. It was day one again, the first day at MassGen after procedure. She felt as torn as the day she had came in for the interview. This time she didn't feel conflicted about leaving her son behind, but she did about feeling of relief about the end of her pregnancy. Her daughter had died inside her womb. She was relieved and at the same time she was miserable. The life she had dreamed of having was never going to happen. Derek wouldn't be swept away by the sheer cuteness of their daughter and she'd be alone. She was going to be alone when she was going to watch his Harper Avery Award acceptance speech and Alex was probably never going to work at Mass Gen.

She walked into the locker room and looked at her scrub pants. There was no need to wear the bigger ones any longer. The small ones were fine again. „Are you okay?" a woman asked. She turned around and looked Maggie. „I was worried. I heard you were sick. God I hate it if you are sick and…"

„I'm fine. I don't want to talk about it." Meredith said „I was sick and now I'm fine. Thanks for listening the other day"

Maggie hugged her and it felt good to be hugged.

„Did you pass?" Meredith wondered.

„I did. Damn right I did!" Maggie smiled and hugged her again. „So you are okay?"

„I'll be fine" Meredith nodded.

„Meredith, if you need somebody, you can always talk to me." Maggie smiled and handed her a chart. „Like, right now, my first surgery as a fellow"

„I don't think I'm ready to talk yet, but thank you anyway, I'm in." Meredith smiled and they both got up.

Meredith looked at the Chart. „She's pregnant"

„and waiting for a heart transplant. It's only a very minor procedure." Maggie said calmly, but by looking at the chart Meredith jumped to another conclusion „Yeah, like defusing a bomb is something you do on a Thursday before lunch."

Arizona had sent Alex to check on Callie because she was stuck in an endless surgery marathon that required her full attention. He opened the door and found the apartment empty. He checked in the bedroom, the bath room, walked through the living room. By the time he reached the kitchen he noticed a small sob. He walked to the door and opened the supply closet. He opened it and looked at Callie, took her hand and they both sat down on the couch „Arizona send me to check on you" he said „You were in the closet, Callie."
„Look, I'm… I'm doing the best I can." Callie said and tried to dry her tears.
„No, I know you are. I do." Alex said.
„It's the baby." Callie sobbed.
„Does she have 11 toes or something?" Alex teased her.
„She's perfect. She's absolutely perfect. She's the baby in the commercial, she's so perfect." Callie cried „And I I look at her, and I feel nothing. I can't feel anything ever since the I mean, there's this pressure to be all "mommy," and I'm just I'm not. I'm not ready or something. I feel completely detached from her like she has been ripped from my body. I just I don't I don't want to deal with her. I just want to stick her in the freezer. Maybe thaw her out later when I'm ready to deal with her. That's a… that's a horrible thing to say, isn't it?
„Yes." Alex nodded „But it's not the most horrible thing I ever said or heard and those horrible things … they're things that need to be said. I told Meredith I was glad that Izzie died."
„The first time I held her, I felt amazing but right now, I just want to …" Callie paused „I don't know. I don't know… I feel like I'm not strong enough to be her mother. Every time she starts to cry, I can't take it, I can't take it and I want to… I don't know, I just don't feel like a mother. And my mother insulted me on the phone, my father is refusing to talk to me."

Alex and Callie had never been close „I know what it's like to have life hand you so much crap, you just want to sit on the couch and die. But you gotta look at what's in front of you. Something terrible happened to you, but that doesn't make you a victim." Alex said „Your parents giving you crap about your life choices and you staying in silence because of it- that what makes you a victim. Maybe some of us will never be fully okay, but at least we are here. You are here. You are still trying and doing the best you can. That's worth something. You survived and Sofia survived, that's something and if staying in the supply closet helps, just stay there another while. I won't give you crap about it."

„I really want to be fine, Alex, but I'm not. I mean… No, no, no, I'm not okay, I bought a dress, I get married. This should be the happiest time of my life"

Meredith was bleeding. She knew that some bleeding was normal after a procedure like this, but she was through her fourth pad in the past two hours and it kept bleeding. She got up from the toilet and hoped it would stop and the fifth would contain the fluids during the surgery Maggie and she were about to perform.

Thirty minutes into the surgery Meredith's head began to spin. There were lights and sounds, but they seemed distance, for a moment it felt like everything happened in slow motion. She fell and hit the floor, the nurses looked at her and Maggie yelled „Get somebody in here" while she kept treating the Patient. Two residents who had observed the procedure in the Gallery started to examine her. „She's bleeding" one of the residents noticed. „Page OB and tell them to prep an OR".

„You better take care of her, Ronald." Maggie said when they wheeled Meredith out of the OR. „Keep me posted."

Five hours later Maggie had finally finished the surgery. She was exhausted, but wanted to check on Meredith. After her intern had given her Meredith's Chart, she said „Oh, there must be a mistake" Maggie said „I asked you for Meredith Burn's file, this is Meredith Grey's Chart."

„Oh, that's her name according to her insurance Details and her living will." The intern said. „She's sleeping now, so you might want to come back tomorrow."

„Oh, I'll just sit here." Maggie smiled. „Thank you."

Meredith was waiting for her lawyer in front of the building where she was supposed to meet the lawyer that had formerly taken care of the adoption. Once she saw Derek she turned around as she wasn't ready to talk to him, but he had seen her and he had looked at her „Meredith, let me talk to you." He insisted.

„No, Derek, I have eyes, I saw what happened. I saw her lips touching yours. If you wanted to get back to me for allegedly kissing Allen, you did a fine Job." Meredith told him. „Let's just finalize the divorce. I mean you filed for divorce weeks ago. We can figure out visitation."

„Are you going to take him with you?" Derek wondered.

„I can't live without him." Meredith said „I thought I could, but I can't."

„You just like your mother. Richard was so so right about you." Derek yelled.

„Don't you ever mention his name in front of me again!" Meredith yelled.

„You are leaving me!"

„You are kissing your research fellow and you are chatting up your scrub nurse." Meredith told him „May I remind you that we are still married! What was that? Some sort of marital amnesia?"

„You woke up naked on your coworker's couch." He screamed.

„No, you don't get to play you did- I did with me, you don't get to put me down, I didn't cheat on you, you cheated on me!" Meredith looked at him and saw that her lawyer had just arrived „I came back to work on this, on us, but you are obviously not interested, so just … go upstairs"

Meredith and her lawyer walked into the conference room where Derek was already waiting. Meredith and her lawyer sat down on the opposite side. Meredith didn't look at Derek. She couldn't, what they were about to discuss was too hard. „Oh, Dr. Shepherd, Dr. Grey, it's a pleasure to see you again." Their lawyer said. Derek and Meredith's lawyer exchanged a surprised look as the man in his mid 50s continued. „Are you here to discuss the next steps in Zola's adoption?"

„No" Derek stammered „actually, no, we are here to talk about…" he looked around for help.

„the divorce and visiting schedules for Christopher. This is Jeremy Fitzpatrick, my lawyer." Meredith introduced the man to her right.

„My client and I are sure that given…" Jeremy started and extended his hand to his colleague.

„everything that happened." Meredith added and looked at Derek.

„we can settle everything out of court." Jeremy nodded.

„Meredith" Derek said.

Meredith interrupted him „No, Derek, we talked about this. You sent over the papers weeks ago. I'll sign them once we figured out what to do with Chris."

„Meredith, I'm trying here…" Derek tried to encourage to change her mind.

Meredith let out a laugh „Really, are you?" she wanted to know „You kissing other women accounts for trying now?"

„Why don't we all calm down?" Jeremy wondered.

They both stopped to speak and looked at each other for a Moment. „I want custody" Meredith stated calmly „He's going to live with me and you can see him whenever you want to… despite what you said, I'm not my mother."

„Oh, yeah, I'll just drop by after work" Derek coughed „You are living full way across the Country, Meredith! He'll stay with me."

„Your Family lives on the east coast – your sisters, your mother, everyone you care about." Meredith said „Why won't you move to Boston or New York or whatever?"

„Actually, in the drafted divorce papers you sent over a few weeks after you got married to my client, you stated that she'd get full custody…" Jeremy said

„Of the children we didn't have back then" Derek yelled. „I love my son and I don't want to see him grow up through a computer screen. I want to be there when he's at soccer practice. I want to be there when he starts riding his bike. I want to do what my dad couldn't."

„Well, the passage was included in the version you sent over to my client a few weeks ago." Jeremy said and handed over a copy where the respective passage had been highlighted with a pink highlighter. Derek looked at his lawyer.

„So technically I already agreed to it." He bit his tongue and got up „Congratulations Meredith, I hope you have a wonderful life."

Working had been Derek's escape lately and today was no different. „What do you mean?" Owen asked after Derek had told him why he was still mad at Meredith.
„A family means you are sharing all your secrets but Meredith didn't even tell me about the suspension – she told all her friends about it." He said and kept looking at the screen in front of him. One wrong move and he'd gorge a human being forever. „and now she just packs up and leaves"
„You are her boss. At work you are her boss." Owen said „And Callie – that was work"
„She lied to the social worker." Derek insisted „How do you live like this? I mean Cristina is telling all her secrets to Meredith."
„Do you ever have the feeling like you don't get her?" Owen wondered. „Oh yeah, sometimes Cristina and Meredith are like ET and Elliot. If Elliot gets drunk, ET gets drunk. Meanwhile we are like the government people in the white hazmat suits. We try to steer them in the right direction, but in the end we just don't understand.

„And I want to be Elliot for her." Derek said.
„But can you live with being the hazmat guy?" Owen wondered.

Meredith was in a hospital bed and looked up at Maggie. She was wearing a hospital gown and the last thing she remembered was passing out „Your last Name is Grey" Maggie said. She wasn't angry, but she didn't seem to be excited either. It was a matter of fact tone.

„You know" Meredith said and waited for another reaction.

„They asked me to call your emergency contact" Maggie said and handed over her file to Meredith.

„You called Derek?" Meredith wondered.

„He didn't answer." Maggie said and after a short pause she went back to the elephant in the room „So you…"

„are Meredith Grey. Yes" Meredith nodded. „I'm your sister."

„Why didn't you tell me?" Maggie wondered „I mean, you must have known for a while. Didn't you want me to know?"

„I didn't know until two weeks ago, Maggie and I wanted to tell you." Meredith said „I just didn't want to tell you before your boards because I know how finding out you have a sister messes you up. I never knew about the adoption until a year ago. I found some proofs in mom's diaries. She had all those diaries -she wrote everything down."

„What was she like?" Maggie wondered „I mean… as a person"

„She wasn't very warm, but I begin to understand her, what she has been thinking and I don't hate her for what she did anymore." Meredith explained „She might have been this incredible superwoman in the OR, but I learned that she was just a human being outside -flawed and lonely."

„When I found out that she was my mom, I… I always imagined…" Maggie said with the admiration most female surgeons talked about her „Can you tell me why she..?"

„I could, but it's not my place to tell." Meredith said „You could ask the man who fathered you."

„You know who it was?" Maggie wondered „His name wasn't on the birth certificate."

„A jackass. He's the reason I had to come here- and the reason Ellis left Seattle, the reason why I didn't see my father for twenty five years, the reason why I never knew I had three sisters." Meredith's eyes started to tear up „But he's the one that should tell you, but Ellis wanted you to be okay."

„Why Boston?" Maggie wondered.

„It always felt like home. I've been living here for a while." Meredith smled „I wasn't Ellis Grey's daughter here, I was just me and it felt good not to be anyone for a while. It felt good."

„Meredith. You said you didn't know what love was. You know now – someone must have taught you." Maggie said.

„He has." Meredith said and pointed her pen to her emergency contact.

„I'm giving you a heads up, I'm going to hand in my resignation tomorrow." Derek said „I don't care about the repercusions."

„Is it because of Richard?" the chairman of the board wondered.

„What do you mean?" Derek wondered.

„We've been hearing all kind of complaints for the past few weeks, there's even been a case of…" he paused and Derek eyed him suspiciously.

„A case of what?" Derek tried to investigate.

„He made a mistake… he clipped of the common bile duct… and he's made a lot of them lately. A few attendings complained about him." He explained. „So why do you want to leave?"

„My wife… Things have been…" Derek paused. „not easy and she is working at MassGen now. She has custody and I don't want to see my son grow up on a computer screen."

„If there's anything we can do…" the chairman said trying to keep his number one surgeon in Seattle.

„You can… offer her her old Job." Derek said „I'm going wherever they are going."

For a moment everything felt normal and natural to Meredith. She was drinking a goodbye beer with Alex, Cristina and Jackson. George was in the ER and Lexie had been paged for a surgery with Derek. It almost felt like nothing had changed. Meredith remembered the nights during the intern year where it had been her, Alex, George, Izzie and Cristina. Those nights seemed like a lifetime ago. „I'm going to Africa for 3 months" Alex cheered as he raised his class „Here's to you suckers who have to stay around treating hernias."
„I'm going back to Boston. I won't be back." Meredith toasted „To growing artificial brains that work better than my husband's."
„Seriously?" Alex choked on his beer.
„I like the job, I like the research." Meredith smiled „It's not like I have a choice."
„You could have taken the spot in Tacoma." Cristina insisted. „The commute is not too bad."
„Mass. Gen. is the better hospital and I know Boston. I lived there for 13 years, you know." Meredith smiled „and it's far away."
„Mass Gen, are you sure? I hate that place." Jackson muttered „Sanders is still waiting for you! And Sawyer!
„I can look after myself." Meredith assured him „And Sawyer is doing his fellowship somewhere else. It's not your fault I lost my job. I'm just afraid I'll become my mother if I take Christopher with me. Christ, I'm like my mother. When Derek and I talked last week, I thought, for just a second I let myself lean in to the fear of getting a happy ending, I thought we would make it."
„Well it sort of is my fault -all of our faults." Jackson reminded her „Living on opposite sides of the country isn't exactly considered …"
„Meredith, don't you think that they are going to give you your job back if you ask them." Alex wondered „I mean, Seattle Grace Mercy West dropped in the rankings, they must be desperate for capable applicants."
„I'm not going to beg them and Derek doesn't want me back." Meredith said and tried to get them to talk about something else. „So you are going to Africa?"
„Yeah, lots of surgeries and I finally get out of here for a while." Alex nodded „Away from Webber – mostly."
„So you are going to kill children in Africa, evil Spawn?" Cristina teased him.
„Shut up." Alex said
„Lucky you." Cristina said and looked at a person at a table on the other side of the room „What is Webber doing here?"
„Trying to ruin another career perhaps, but then again, my career isn't ruined." Meredith mumbled.

„Meredith, I need you to go to Seattle." Harper Avery told her "Talk to Derek and take care of your son."

„I… I can't…" Meredith stuttered.

„You can, Meredith. You gave Ellis the strength she needed and you have always been strong. But sometimes it takes all our strength to admit that we are weak and vulnerable, that we have feelings and that those feelings can hurt us and destroy us." He said „You'll be an excellent surgeon one day, Meredith, but I also want you to be a happy person and I think you need to go back and figure things out. I saw you and Christopher."

„I… what if it's over?" Meridith asked cautiously.

„Then it's over and you'll pick up the pieces and you'll build something new. It takes courage and strength, but we have to face our fears, our shortcomings" he smiled mit encouragement. „If we don't step up, we don't achieve anything. Our accomplishments are not measured by the trophies or prizes we win, they are measured by the smiles and laughs you come home to. If you don't have those, all those trophies and prizes are worthless."

„You miss him." Meredith noticed.

„I thought about him every day since he left, I thought about him on Jackson's first day of School, during his high school graduation, when he graduated college and med school, when Catherine told me she was going to kill him after he had brought the first girl home" the old man recounted the numerous occassions where he had felt his son's presence."I'm always thinking about him and I never stopped thinking about him. Don't make my mistakes."

„Be extraordinary! She really wasn't talking about surgery." Meredith nodded.

„Who are you talking about?" Dr. Avery asked her.

„Mom." For the first time in a long while Meredith felt at peace with something. The woman she had detested for most of her teenage and adult life had always wanted her to be happy „She wanted me to be happy and she wanted Maggie to be happy."

„Be happy Dr. Grey." Dr. Avery nodded.

It was 1.00 am and the others had left. Meredith had just paid her drinks when Richard Webber walked up to her „Meredith, I'm probably the last person you want to listen to."

„You are right about this" she mumbled and tried to ignore him.

„Meredith, don't walk away. It's good to see you." He said. „How have your first few days at Mass. Gen. Been?"

„Fine." She said, but he wouldn't back off

„Given the recent developments it's a tremendous opportunity. Your…" he started to say while putting his arm around her shoulders, but she snapped. „Don't you tell me what to do, and don't talk to me! The drop in the ratings happened. What do you expect from me now? Gratitude? Gratitude because you fired me and I found a better job somewhere else. You are the reason I'm in this mess in the first place! Mom went away and was way more successful than you, she got a chance to forget you."

„Do you think she did?" he wondered. How dared he to ask?

„I don't know, but you destroyed her!" Meredith yelled and grew increasingly louder. „She was a sweet smart and nice girl that was stuck in a marriage without love. You promised to be her knight in shining whatever and at the last minute you bailed on her and her child leaving her no choice but to leave! You are a coward and you always have been!" By the time she was finished almost everyone in the bar was looking at them.

„Meredith…" Richard tried to Interrupt Meredith, but she kept screaming. „Do not Interrupt me! I'm not finished! The girl you fathered is amazing! But you deserve absolutely no credit for that! She's amazing and loyal and dorky. She can be glad that she never had to be with you! So if you don't mind, I'll go back to the hotel now."

Richard Held on to her arm. „Meredith, she told you to be extraordinary. We didn't try hard enough. We could have had…"

Meredith swallowed and looked at her mother's ex Lover „…it all? A life? Whatever you could have had, you chose to go the other way. Whatever happened with you and Ellis and Maggie, that's on you!"

„Maggie? You know her?" Richard wondered.

„I do." Meredith nodded.

„Whatever happens between you and Derek and Christopher is on you, Meredith. You can choose to leave Seattle, you can take your son with you, you can become the best surgeon you can be, but you are always going to ask yourself what might have happened. That decision is on you and you need to let go of all that anger because ultimately it's your choice" Richard said. „It never stops, the years pass by and you still smell her shampoo, you still hear her smile and…"

„You should go home to your wife, Dr. Webber." Meredith reminded him. „After all that's what you know how to do best."

„Ellis forgave me, Meredith. You should too. Go home to your husband, Dr. Grey." Richard said. „That's something you Grey women never learned."

Life has a funny way of working out just when you start to believe it never will. There are patients who survive the night despite having zero change, the bleeding stops and all you do is wonder, why it happened. And from one moment to the next you are able to let go, to forgive and to go back to where you came from.

Meredith sat in Derek's office. She was going to leave in the morning and she wanted a proper goodbye this time. They had discussed the Details of Christopher's Visitation schedule and when he was supposed to stay with whom when Derek suddenly brought up something different. „I'm still your emergency contact person." He said and Meredith looked at him in shock. She feared that he might bring up the reason she had collapsed on a hospital toilet during her shift.

„Yeah. I never changed it. I still want you to be my person." She admitted, but tears started to build up in her eyes until one was running down her cheek „They called you and you didn't answer, Maggie said so and I can't ...I can't remember our last kiss. All I could think about was I'm going to die and I can't remember our last kiss. Which is pathetic, but the last time we were together and happy, I want to be able to remember that. And I can't Derek. I can't remember."

„I'm glad you didn't die." Derek said and looked at the picture of them and Christopher. „It was a Thursday morning. You were wearing that ratty little Dartmouth T-shirt you look so good in. The one with the hole in the back of the neck. You were holding Christopher. You'd just washed your hair and you smelled like some kind of flower. I was running late for surgery. You said you were gonna see me later and you leaned to me, you put your hand on my chest and you kissed me. Soft. Was quick, kinda like a habit. You know, like we'd do it every day for the rest of our lives. You went back to reading the newspaper and I went to work. That was the last time we kissed. Do you want to tell me why they called?"

„No it doesn't matter now, anyway, does it?" Meredith said. They had lost a Baby and it would never come back „You were with her that night, weren't you?"

„I was, but we talked, all we did was talk." Derek said „About our research."

„That's the whole story? Just talk." Meredith said „Did she just kiss you out of the blue? That's hard to believe."

„That's all that happened." Derek nodded.

„Goodbye Derek!" Meredith got up. When he had talked about the last time they had kissed it seemed like there was hope and she really needed something to hope for.

So… just to give you a heads up… this chapter is pretty much rock bottom, it was devastating and cruel, but I felt it was necessary to start a healing process, not only for Meredith, but also for Callie and Lexie to a certain extent. Healing - going back to a happiness you once had is going to be a major theme for the following chapters.

I have to warn you though… I'll be in Sri Lanka for two weeks, so there's going to be a break after the update next week.

Everything that happened between Mer and Der in italics (Hopkins, the Harper Avery, the fellowship) was Meredith's Imagination. Wishful thinking! I liked the angle so much though, that I'm actually considering to do a short 5-6 chapter story on that. What do you guys think?