╔══════════════╗
Yesterday I was clever,
So I wanted to change
the world.
Today I am wise,
So I am changing
myself.
- Rumi.
╚══════════════╝
Chapter thirty-six.
The first snow fell on December the sixteenth, and I had quickly forgotten all about the mysterious tea leaf reading when the holidays approached. Two weeks had passed by since Beth sent me away from our dorm. I had hardly had the chance to talk with Lara about all the things that had happened during the days away from each other, and it was becoming really frustrating.
I was seated in the library, struggling to form the last letter to mother and father before going home for Christmas six days later, but whenever I began to write the words seemed to get stuck underneath my quill. I didn't fancy to tell them about my little cheating story with Sirius Black, but that seemed to be the only thing on my mind. Him.
I dropped the quill upon the third attempt at a letter and gave out a sigh when looking out on the snowflakes that fell outside the windows, creating a white bedplate over the school grounds. Stop thinking about him, Alissa. I scolded myself, hugging my wrist hard.
Every second of every day involved at least one thought about Sirius Black, and Sirius Black's hands, and his hair, and his mouth, and his naked skin, and- Bloody hell, STOP IT! I grunted, again. I had presumably spent too much time with him the last couple of weeks for my own good. But I didn't have a reason strong enough not to be with him because the reason remain sane didn't seem to cut it.
"Ms. Fione, I'm closing the library in fifteen minutes." Irma Pince stuck her head inside the aisle to tell me.
"Yes, of course. Thank you, Irma," I answered and peered down at the empty paper once again. I had been trying to write something in over an hour now, it was hopeless. So I snatched the paper and crumpled it inside my hand. Mother and father would have to endure it without a report of my dramatic life at school. I slipped the quill in my bag and jumped down from my seat at the window, marching out the deserted library with hurried steps, as if the speed of my walking would make me think any clearer. It wouldn't.
The moment I stepped outside my body crashed into someone that had made their way inside, both of us so stuck in our own thoughts to notice each other.
"Merlin, I'm so sorry!" I shook my head before looking at the person I had crashed into.
"Alissa!" A familiar voice let out, and my eyes widened at the sight of Beth's face so near to mine.
"Oh," I gasped, shocked to see her here at this hour, "Hi," my voice sunk low. I reminded myself of an ashamed dog in front of its master after getting caught doing something forbidden.
"I have been looking for you," She then said, tugging on her sleeve.
"You have?" I arched a brow, and she nodded slowly.
"I figured it's time for us to speak about what everything."
Finally. I thought, but I was frightened to find out what she would put forth.
"Are you sure?" I said, taking a firmer grip on the strap to my bag.
"Yes, Alissa. I'm sure," She almost smiled when uttering the last sentence, and thereupon she pointed me up towards the nearest staircase. "I assume you've missed our dorm?"
Actually, not that much. Since Sirius had been spending every night with me in my own little room, doing everything except sleeping. At least I had got him to come to terms with two hours of study time before we could enjoy ourselves.
"But isn't there nosey ears in the common room?" I questioned her, but she only rolled her eyes. I had surely missed that eye roll, even if it couldn't be compared to Lara's.
"Stop thinking I will scream at you or something, because I won't," she turned to me when we reached the second stair, "So stop look so frightened."
"I'm doing my best," I defended myself and a small laugh left Beth's lips. Perhaps this would turn out well after all.
The common room was silent, even though it was filled with students of all ages, all of them with their heads down in a textbook or their notes.
"I can't deny it, I've missed this tower," Was the first thing I said when we entered and a several of heads lifted from their studies to eye the intruder that disturbed their peace.
"What about the armchairs closest to the window?" Beth suggested, pointing towards the spot in the room she knew was my absolute favourite.
"But Beth, there are at least fifteen people in here?" I said, not that eager to open up my heart in front of anyone except Beth.
"Ever heard of a silencing charm, smart as?" She smirked and didn't wait for me to answer before she went to sit in one of the unoccupied chairs. I followed with heavy steps. This was the first time in my life I would need to apologise for something bad I had done to my friend. I would be lying if I said I felt confident about it.
Beth took out her wand and cast the silencing charm around us, and I sat down. "Okay, so," I flustered, my hands arranged in an awkward position on my thighs, "Beth, I'm so, so sorr-"
"Before you say anything else," she stopped me, holding one of her tiny hands up in front of my face, "I want you to know I'm not mad about what you did," she took a deep breath before proceeding, "Alissa, what hurt me was that you didn't tell me."
"I- really?"
She glanced down at her hands that now laid in her lap, and I could see her lip shaking faintly.
"Yes, really," she didn't look at me while fighting back the tears, but when she didn't succeed she looked up, a single drop falling from her eyes. "Oh damn it," she burst out, wiping the tear away, "I promised myself not to cry."
"Beth, it's okay. You're allowed to cry, even to scream if you want to, maybe even to throw stuff," I assured her, and a bitter laugh escaped her lips.
"I told you, I will not scream at you," she said, laying her hand back in her lap.
"I'm just saying if you want to, do it."
"That wouldn't make me feel better, but I've prepared some things I want to have said," She explained, and I stayed silent, waiting for her to start.
"Okay," she finally said, taking a deep breath to courage herself up, "As I've already said, I'm not mad at you for being with Sirius behind my back, or for cheating on Casper. I've been mad at you for not telling me earlier, and for not letting me in, Alissa. If you had told me before the party that you somewhat felt interested in Sirius, as you told Lara, I would've gladly helped you with it. You see?"
I nodded in silence, taking in every single word she said. I had no idea this was what she had felt.
"I'm not as fragile as you think. I could have handled the fact that the guy I was having a crush on, instead had a crush on my best friend. And it makes me sad that you couldn't see that, and that you always seem to shut me out." She stopped to take another deep breath. "I'm your best friend too, Alissa, you don't have only Lara."
An unpleasant feeling grew in my chest the more she spoke, and my throat turned dry, but I had to handle this. There was no way I could leave her hanging with the words she had just so openly exposed.
"Beth, I'm so sorry I haven't been the friend you deserve," was the first thing I said, and maybe it was the most sincere words I spoken in a long time, "And I'm so sorry I've constantly shut you out of my life. That's something I must work on, letting you in."
"Thank you for saying that, Alissa. I know how much you struggle with dealing with your own feelings, but I honestly think I could help you a lot with that since I'm the most emotional person I know," She smiled, no longer a tear in sight.
"Actually, I think you're more than right," I stated, thinking back about the conversation I had with Sirius a week ago about my jealousy towards Beth's capabilities to express emotions.
"Of course I am," She smiled and finally, the air felt completely ginned. "Now, let's tell Lara the good news."
"Which is?" I asked while standing up, and Beth smiled wide at me.
"That everything is back to normal."
"Iiiih, finally!" Lara cried out when the two of us entered our dorm. She rushed up from her bed, causing the book that had laid in her lap to fall to the floor. Her arms open wide when she embraced booth of us, "Is everything said and done now? Are you okay?" She said, still hugging us both.
"We're okay," Beth smiled, pushing Lara away so we could breathe.
"Thank Merlin, I wouldn't stand a day longer without both of you," She said, smiling widely, her eyes glowing. She walks back to her bed and jumped on it, her hair bouncing around her face.
"Now, Alissa. I guess you have a lot to tell us," She raised her brow.
"I do?" I said and walked to sit at the end of Beth's bed instead of Lara's as usual. Small steps.
"Oh yes, you do," Beth followed, sitting down next to me.
"Fire away. What do you want to know?" I smirked, and Lara was quick to answer.
"What's the sex like?" Her eyes burning with excitement. A laugh left my mouth before eyeing them both gravely.
"It's insanely good."