OMG is this really the 37th Chapter? 111 in total? Christ! If you've stuck with my madness for this long then you get the medal today!

Bizarrely I watched the movie 30 Days of Night and it was so freaky, they kept mentioning Point Hope and it's how I imagined it...very strange.

I think with everything that's happened a new side of Dean has emerged. Is this what'll pull the family through? Let's hope so! This is one of my fave types of chaps where all the characters wind down after the hunt and just regroup. This of course involves humping of some description! Yay!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dean wanted to stay with his wife so badly it hurt. He wanted to go to sleep in her arms and never wake up, but Cole needed her more than he did. He sat up and rubbed at his tired eyes while she switched on the bedside lamp.

"You should go get some sleep. Send him through to me."

"I'll go bunk in the den."

"Are you sure? Between the floor and Bobby's snoring, you won't get much sleep."

He smiled. "I'm pretty easy going, but I'm not sharing with Johnny and Steve."

"You might still find somewhere more comfortable than the floor."

He shrugged, reluctant to move. "Are you warm enough?"

"Dean don't worry, I'm ok."

He nodded. "So you won't miss me at all then?"

"You know I hate it when you're not here." She leaned up on one elbow and looped an arm around his neck. His forehead met hers and they looked into one another's eyes. "You did the right thing Dean. He'll see it too."

"I hope you're right."

She closed her eyes and sighed. "You better go before I disgrace myself."

"Ok, I'll send him in. You know where to find me if you need anything."

She kissed him again. "I know."

He wearily got up and walked towards the door. "You're totally lookin' at my ass now aren't you?" He said without turning around.

She laughed softly. "I'm hoping the bracelet's not the only gift I get to unwrap today."

He turned finally and grinned when he reached the door. "Daddy's still got it."

Bonnie sat up slightly and braced herself for what was coming. She had no idea what state her son would be in but she prayed that she would be able to do something to reconcile the two men.

When the door opened she was shocked at how Cole looked but it didn't register on her face. Dean had told her what had happened and although his skin was as flawless as usual every second of torture showed in his eyes. He had showered quickly and his wet hair was slicked back, he was wearing some of Sam's briefs and despite his muscular physique he still looked like her baby. Since he was a toddler he had refused to cut his hair and it was strange to see it shorn for the first time.

"Come here." She held out her arms to him and he went to the bed.

He climbed onto the mattress like he used to when he was younger and placed his head on her chest. Although she was tiny he still got the same comfort from his mother that he had always known.

Bonnie smoothed his hair and kissed it. "My beautiful boy."

She knew he would speak when he was ready, just like Dean so she waited patiently. Because he was still damp from the shower she didn't realize for a moment that he was crying. He was quiet and motionless as she pulled the blanket over him and rocked him in her arms.

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Dean stood in the living room. Hope and Luc were sat on the floor whispering quietly to one another whilst Bobby slept despite the commotion. Sam handed him a coffee.

"Looks like we have a full house." Dean said.

"Yeah." Sam sighed. "There is somewhere else you can sleep though."

"Dude, I'm not bunking with The Weather Girls."

Sam smiled. "Come on."

He led his brother through the kitchen and Dean frowned as he unlocked the garage door and stepped back to let him pass. Dean walked into the freezing cold room as Sam flipped the light switch illuminating the Impala.

"No way!"

"Man, I'd let you sell Hope before I could see you drive anything else."

Sam stood in the doorway and watched as he circled his beloved car. "I missed you."

"It was all a bit rushed so I didn't have time to get your stuff back in the trunk, but she's back."

"How'd you get the money?"

He shrugged. "Santa came early."

They looked at one another across the gleaming roof. "Thank you."

"Remember what you said to me when Lily was born? You spend all your time looking out for everyone else. It's my job to look out for you."

Dean smiled. "This is like one of those cheesy Christmas movies right?"

"Bite me."

"C'mon shotgun." Dean opened the front drivers side with a smile and slid in with his coffee as Sam got in beside him.

They sat for a minute in silence as Dean rubbed his left hand over the steering wheel.

"You wanna talk about it?"

"Nothin' much to say." He shrugged.

"What happened to Ramirez?"

Dean looked down at his hands again. "Last time I saw him he had a gaping hole where his windpipe used to be."

Nothing his brother did could shock him any more but sometimes Dean was so brutal it was staggering. "There's something I have to tell you."

Dean looked at him and took a sip of his coffee. "Go on."

"When Cole was hurt and dying...Dylan felt it all. We almost lost him too man."

He lowered the mug slowly. "Is he ok?"

"He hasn't stopped sleeping since it happened...it scared the crap out of me. There was nothing I could do and I have no idea why it happened."

"God I'm sorry."

"That's not why I'm telling you. If you hadn't done everything you could to save Cole, Dylan would be dead now too."

Dean thought about it for a second and realized he was right. "You think it could happen again?"

"Not if I can help it."

"I still feel bad about Talia." He looked out of the windscreen at the blank wall in front of him. "She was so badly hurt. I knew it would kill her to heal a paper cut but I didn't care. Cole was about to die and the only thing I could think of was him."

"It's what you do."

"Still doesn't make it right. I mean if that was me and you sacrificed Bonnie. I'd want to kill you."

"It's not the same. He's just a kid, it's not his choice to make."

"It wasn't hers either but I went ahead and did it anyway. What was she gonna do, say no? I as good as killed her Sam."

"There'll come a day in his life when he has to make a tough choice and he'll understand it's not so easy."

"And until then? I feel like I've lost him anyway. You should have seen him, the way he looked at me."

"He's alive Dean and so's Dylan. She made the sacrifice, it's what she was born to do."

"I've been thinkin' about that too."

"What?"

"It wasn't normal what they had together, it was like he was singled out for something. I don't know what's gonna happen to him now she's gone."

"What?"

"What if she was the only thing keepin' him from turning against his sister? Now she's gone and he's angry and hurt as hell. I might have saved one kid just to lose another."

Sam sighed and stared in silence through the windscreen as he contemplated his brother's words.

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The thing that they all loved about Bonnie more than anything was that she didn't get involved in hunting. With Dean it was his entire life and it could have been that way for his kids too. When Cole tried to imagine his father living with a fellow hunter he couldn't imagine anything worse. The constant battle of wills and talk of fighting would have driven anyone to distraction. As it was he'd still wound up with someone who was as crazy as he was but wasn't impressed by the incessant war. They had always known peace and calm around her and it was a welcome respite to just be a kid and not always some warrior in training.

"I know you gave yourself up for me. I'm sorry." She muttered.

He looked up and wiped his eyes. "No, mom...that man was sick. He shouldn't have used you like that."

"It's my job to protect you, not the other way around."

He smiled at her and didn't bother arguing the point. "It's not your fault."

She paused and looked at him for a second. He had taken Dean's best traits but had a broodiness that you would associate with Sam. His eyes had grown more distant than ever now and she could tell he was heartbroken. "We were all so scared for you, you know that right? Your Dad got back as soon as he could."

He pulled away from her and sat against the headboard. "Yeah."

"You know your father's greatest weapon is his family and it's also what will probably get him killed one day. As long as there are people out to get him they're going to use us to do it." She sighed. "We've all been there. They've tried to turn Sam against him, me...they'll do the same to Hope, mark my words."

"What he said made so much sense though."

"Are you going to listen to the man who tried to kill me and only fixed your father's leg so he could tag him like a wild dog?"

"What?"

"Sam had to cut a microchip out of your Dad's leg. If he hadn't they probably would have found and killed us all."

He remained silent and stared at the point on his chest where he had been stabbed hours before. "It's so tough."

"It's hard to put so much faith in any one person." She shrugged. "You know, I almost left your Dad on our wedding day."

He frowned at her. "You did?"

"I was barely twenty five with two kids under the age of two, and your sister was a handful believe me. We were living with Sam and Brooke, they were trying to have a baby but Sam still couldn't walk, it was a full time job just keeping him going." She smiled suddenly. "To cap it all off the doctors gave me a year to live."

"What happened?"

"I didn't want to worry anyone and was so sure something would go wrong on the day that I just let it build up til I cracked under the pressure. Dean didn't know anything was wrong so I can't blame him for being surprised. It was one thing for him to say he could make things right but sometimes you just have to believe in him. Finally, Sam just sat me down and had a chat with me, and reminded me why I loved your Dad so much. I never doubted him again after that. Your Dad can sometimes miss the glaringly obvious, but he's a problem solver. If he loves you, he'll fix it and he won't stop until he does." She looked at him to see if any of it was sinking in. "All I could see was life burying me slowly and I couldn't cope. I only ever saw my issues. It wasn't until I spoke to Sam that I realized that your Dad had a brother who was depressed, two kids, and a wife who could die. On top of everything he still took on demons. He didn't have time to dwell on that, he had to be strong and sometimes that means putting his own feelings to one side."

"I know you just want to absolve him but what he did was wrong."

"His choices may not seem right to you but if you take a step back then you'll see that he did his best."

"Why didn't he tell me I was one of them?"

"We didn't know for sure until just before it all went down. Your dad went crazy, they wanted to take you and he would rather have died."

"I know he loves me but if it came down to it..."

"What, he'd pick Hope?"

He looked at her.

"You really think there's any way he would make that choice? You have met him right?"

That made him smile. "I know."

"Look, I know you're heartbroken, I can't blame you. But there's one thing you're going to do for me."

"What?"

"In the morning you're going to talk to your Dad. He doesn't show his feelings much but that doesn't mean he has a swinging brick in his chest."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Why did you raise me?"

"Seriously?" She was taken aback he would ask.

"You knew where I came from, weren't you scared?"

"You think because I didn't give birth to you you're any different from your sister?"

"Well, yeah."

"I'll give you the same answer I gave her. Because your Dad asked."

"What?"

"He doesn't always think before he jumps, but when he makes that leap he does it with a hundred percent commitment. He told his brother he could get him walking again and the next thing you know...I was pregnant. He made a promise to give you a home and who was I to deny either of you? He was a pretty convincing guy, but I have to be honest, it's not like I had to have my arm twisted. I knew I loved him and the rest would just follow. Sure enough, as soon as I saw you, that was it." She smiled at the memory.

"Would you do anything he asked?"

Bonnie pulled her son back into her embrace with a tired laugh. "It's my fortieth birthday sweetheart and I'm confined to a bed. I'm homeless, penniless, knocked up and we're in the ass end of nowhere. You think I would make such a bang up success story at my High School Reunion?" She sighed. "If I didn't worship that man with everything I had, don't you think I'd be a little suicidal right now?"

"So he just lives the life he wants and we have to tag along?"

"You think this is the life he ever wanted, for himself or you? Don't let anyone tell you that. He never had a choice and I'm sorry it's the same for you but he had Sam to watch out for and then us. It would have been so much easier for him to stay on his own. He could have left Sam in some care home and he'd probably still be in a wheelchair now. He could have let Bobby rot in some scrap yard he couldn't look after anymore, but no. He could have seen a Shapeshifter in pain and told her 'that's not my kid'. Hell, he could have let me die so many times rather than having to look after me the way he has. No matter what happened to the people around him, your Dad has stepped up to the plate every time and pulled us out of our own personal Hell. You should be proud of him because that's the least he deserves."

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They must have fallen asleep but Bonnie had no recollection of it at all. She felt a little squashed and glanced either side of her. She smiled as she realized that her daughter had crawled into bed with them at some point. They were both exhausted and she could hardly blame them. The house was quiet as she struggled to pull her feet out from under the blanket. Both her kids were tall and long limbed and she was getting suffocated. She scooched down the bed holding onto her sore stomach and got to her feet. She wobbled slightly because it had been a while since she'd gotten up but soon found her footing as she made her way to the bathroom.

Once she was done she made her way noislessly and shivering through to the kitchen. There was a low growl and she did a double take placing a hand on her heart as she saw the dog. "Fuck!" She said in a whispered yell as the dog padded up to her. He almost came up to her hips and scared the crap out of her. "Don't do that!"

Nitro cocked his head and she sighed. "You thirsty?" She opened some cupboards as she looked for a bowl. Finally finding one she filled it with water and placed it on the floor putting a hand on the counter to get back up. The dog happily lapped it up as she poured a glass of crytal clear ice cold water for herself. She glanced around but couldn't see her meds. She didn't have a clue what time it was, it could be four in the afternoon for all she knew but she figured she could wait.

Bobby was snoring loudly and she glanced into the den to see Luc lying on the hearth wrapped in a large sheepskin rug. She frowned as he turned over, Hope had pretty good taste. It also meant that Dean could only be in one place.

She shivered again as she put the glass down and opened the garage door. The concrete floor was freezing under her bare feet and she paused beside the car to look into the back. Sure enough Dean was sleeping happily in the back seat with a hand propped under his head and a blanket tucked around him. He looked adorable when he slept, like he had when they first met. There were no creases around his eyes and she could even make out the spattering of freckles on his nose. She tapped on the window but there was no response so she tapped a little louder with her wedding ring.

Like a flash Dean shot up and pointed a gun at the window and she got her second fright in five minutes. She squealed as she stumbled backwards falling ass first onto the hard floor. "Ow!"

"Shit!" She heard the door open and Dean almost fell out on all fours. "You Ok? God I'm sorry..."

"I'm fine. Just give me a second..." She took a deep breath and blinked hard.

"You're not ok. God, you're freezing, what were you thinkin'?"

"What do you think?" She asked a little breathlessly.

"You're not supposed to be up."

"Dean..."

"It's ok...I've got you." He picked her up and sat her in the car. He wrapped the blanket around her and squatted down to rub her small cold feet in his hands. He looked up and caught her smiling at him. "What?"

"You're so cute."

"I swear you do it on purpose to get that reaction." He shook his head in exasperation. "Have you taken your medicine?"

"No."

"What the hell has Sam been doin'? Christ, I have to do everything." He mumbled to himself as he jogged into the house.

He returned a second later with pill boxes and water. "Thankfully one of us is prepared." He sat in the footwell and handed the tablets back one by one. "I know I'm irrisitable but can't you control yourself?"

She ignored him and swallowed the tablets dutifully.

When she was done he leaned his head back against her leg. "You scare the hell out of me sometimes."

"You're the one with the gun."

"You know what I mean."

"I'm sorry, the kids were crushing me to death and I wanted to see you."

"Do what? Crap myself? Mission accomplished."

She laughed. "Come up here."

"Move over." He got up onto the seat and closed the door which didn't shut out the cold entirely but the seat beneath them was still warm from his body which helped. He pulled her to him and she tucked her feet up as she sighed happily. "Ya know for someone so small, you're a real handful?"

Although they hadn't really talked about the letter something had changed between them. He had always been caring but it's like it had taken all this time for him to finally get the green light to release that hidden part of himself. It didn't mean he had fundamentally changed, just that he was ok with letting her know his fears. She knew his greatest phobia was losing someone he loved and she hated making him worry but also liked this side of him. Both her kids were sleeping soundly, she had her husband and she was happier than she could remember being in a long time.

"I talked to him."

"How is he?"

"It's going to take a long time but he doesn't blame you. They did a real good job of trying to break him."

"I know."

"I think he's more scared of himself than what's out there. There's only so much I can do...maybe Hope can get through to him."

"Well there's one good thing about being in the middle of nowhere, he's not going anywhere for a while."

"None of us are."

"Does it worry you?"

She shrugged. "A bit. I mean, the baby could come early."

"I'll get you out of here way before that happens."

"Then there's the sleeping arrangements."

"Yeah, sucks."

"It's bad enough for us but Sam's got two kids and his wife...poor old Bobby's back won't hold out."

"Yeah but at least it'll stop Hope mounting her boyfriend like a cow in heat."

"Dean! That's our daughter."

"When it comes to sex she's my kid, I don't even want to think of what she's capable of."

"It won't help Cole much, so many couples I mean."

"Yeah...poor kid."

"Let's just have this moment, get it out of our systems and then we can focus."

"Get what out of our systems?" Her hand slid lower under the blanket and he smirked. "Ok...are you sure?"

"Are you going to mount me like a bull in heat?"

He kissed her slowly. "Nah, I think I can be gentle."

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Dylan walked into his parents room with coffee and put a mug on each nightstand.

Sam groaned. "You're such a good boy." He took his son's hand. "You feel ok?"

Dylan laughed and hugged him. "I feel great. We have a dog!"

He groaned again. "I almost forgot."

"Can we go outside and play?"

"Sweetheart, there's too much snow. You haven't got the right clothes."

"Daaaaaad."

"I just don't want you to freeze."

"I'll make you a deal."

Sam laughed and looked at Brooke who was sat up feeding Lily. "What's the deal?"

"If you let me go out and play with Nitro later then I'll look after Lily for a bit and give you and Mommy some time."

"For what?" he asked.

"Do we really have to have this talk Daddy?"

Sam sputtered into his coffee. "That's very sweet but I think we're good."

Dylan raised his eyebrows and pursed his lips. "Maybe you wanna check with Mom first."

Sam looked at his wife who studiously ignored his gaze and looked at the baby. "Really?" he asked and saw her shrug.

"I'm just thinking nice chaste thoughts here, leave me alone!" She started singing to herself as though blocking images in her mind.

"Ok, but you can't look after her alone, make sure Uncle Ninj or Dean are there with you right? And I know Nitro's a good dog but Lily's too little for him ok?"

"Ok." He jumped up and down excitedly "Uncle Dean's busy so I'll go see Uncle Ninj."

"What's Dean up to?"

"I don't know but it's been going on for ages and no one's yelling so I guess he's trying something new."

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Cole woke up slowly and reality hit him like a sledgehammer between the eyes. He had been too tired to dream but he had no doubt the nightmares would come eventually. He wanted desperately to close his eyes and blank the last couple of days out but couldn't see it happening. He felt movement behind him imagining it to be his mother. When he turned he was shocked to see it was Hope. She was still asleep and was facing the center of the bed.

Responsibility weighed heavily on him as he thought of his sister and how easily he could hurt her. He loved her so much but every time he looked at her it was like a stab in the chest that he wasn't her actual twin. Their differences would always separate them and he hated it more than ever. He knew Ramirez was a liar and out to destroy him but he couldn't escape the fact that he was partly right. He didn't fit and he was now scared to go anywhere near her.

As if she could read his thoughts she opened her eyes. "Morning."

He smiled tightly. "Hi."

"Cole...look."

He got out of the bed and stood awkwardly for a second. He didn't want the questions or the sympathy and just wanted to be alone.

"Cole?" She sat up and looked at him with a worried frown. "Talk to me."

He shook his head. "I'm sorry."

"Wait!" She called out but he was already out of the door. She fell back on the pillows. "Stubborn ass!"

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"Oh my God..."

"You ok?" Dean asked for the millionth time.

Bonnie nodded and put a hand over her eyes.

"Did I hurt you? Tell me." His voice was full of concern and she felt bad.

"No, that was..."

"Woman! You're killin' me here."

She reached up and pulled his face back down to hers. "It was incredible."

"Are you crying?"

"I know...I'm such a girl."

"Somethin' tells me this would have played out a lot differently if you weren't."

"You've never been like that before. Did you enjoy it?"

"Bonnie, I'm in my car with a naked chick, what do you think?"

That made her laugh. "Well, that was a great way to start my birthday, thank you."

"You're thanking me?"

"I'm about to throw you a ticker tape parade."

"Wow, shoulda taken notes."

"We should go back inside, I think everyone's up."

He sighed. "I don't wanna."

"We could see if the bath's free? Pull rank."

"You sayin' I stink?"

"I'm saying I'm not ready for you to get dressed yet."

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When they got through to the kitchen Bobby was making coffee and largely ignored them as Dean carried her through. She looked more like a glowing newlywed than an invalid and it was all too much for him to cope with before caffeine.

He scratched his ass making Bonnie giggle. "I think I just lost my urge." She whispered in Dean's ear.

"Bobby, can you tone it down? You're driving my wife crazy."

"You been in there all night? Ain't you cold?"

"No. We were just talkin'."

"I ain't had a conversation like that with a woman since Reagan was in power."

Luc was lighting a fire in the hearth when Dean laid Bonnie down on the couch. She snuggled down in the blanket and sighed happily.

"Where's Cole?" Dean asked.

"Bathroom. Dylan took the baby into Johnny's room and I think Sam's having a friendly chat with his wife too."

"Where's the dog?" Bonnie asked him.

"I let him out. I'm hopin' he'll get hungry enough eventually to find somethin' for us to eat."

"Crap that's a point. Do we even have any food?"

"Non." Luc answered. "I'm a good chef but not much I can do with what's there."

"Well, ok then." Dean slapped his hands together. "Looks like the Hunters have to go gather. I love a good mission. You up for it Bobby?"

"Whatcha gonna hunt Dean?"

"Moose?"

"I ain't skinnin' no damn moose on Christmas Eve!"

"We could always eat the dog?"

"I'll stay and guard the women and children. You boys knock yourselves out."

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"I forgot what this was like." Brooke sighed as she lay in Sam's arms.

They hadn't gotten up to much but it was still just what they needed as they enjoyed some time alone.

He leaned over her on one elbow and kissed her neck. She sighed but when his hand wandered down to her stomach she flinched and he pulled back. "Does that hurt?"

"No." She said quietly.

He frowned at her. "You ok?"

"I just don't like my jelly belly."

He laughed. "Your what?"

"Don't make fun."

"I'm not...I just don't know what to say. You like fine to me."

"Sam!"

He suddenly realized with a shock that she was self-conscious in front of him. It was something neither of them had ever worried about considering everything that had happened in the last seventeen years. "Honey, you just had a baby." He lifted the sheet and batted her hands away. "She came out of here. You did that."

"I know.." She shrugged. "You just never change. You're always hot."

"How hot?"

"Hot!"

"Well if I'm hot and I think you're hot, then you must be hot right?"

She had to laugh. "You call that logic?"

"No, I call this a boner and it only happens when you're around."

She was a little embarrassed at her behaviour. "Just hormones I guess."

"If it wasn't for your hormones we wouldn't have Lily."

"I know."

"You trust me?"

"Yeah."

"Let me have free reign on your body and I'll show you how hot you are."

She grinned up at him. "I have the feeling this is going to be a Merry Christmas after all."

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Johnny burst into the lounge suddenly. "We have a diaper emergency! Everyone move!"

Luc actually looked scared and jumped out of the armchair as Dean laughed at him. "Guess we finally found somethin' ya can't handle Butch."

Johnny was holding Lily in front of him. "C'mon guys it's all over the place!"

Dean was still laughing as he went to get a towel and put it on the armchair. "Do we even have diapers?"

"She's doing it the old fashioned way." Bonnie told them.

"Say again?"

"Terry cloths ya edjit! Ya know, like the good ole days?"

Dean looked at Johnny. "It's all you man."

"You mean, you have to wash it afterwards?"

"Fer cryin' out loud guys! Ya just boil 'em."

Lily's bottom lip poked out and Dean got down on his knees with a grimace. "This is one gift no one wants to unwrap isn't it?" He said to the baby as he unpinned the cloth diaper without flinching. He handed it to Johnny. "Someone get me some water. In a bowl we're not usin' for dinner." Someone handed him tissues and he cleaned her up, taking her in his arms and sitting by the fire with her. "I hope your Daddy's gettin' his jollies in there cos I'll make him pay for this."

Bonnie watched him. "It's a lot better for the environment you know."

He rolled his eyes. "It's all a bit Little House on the Prairie for me. I like consumerism and mass waste."

"You're the one who wants to eat moose tomorrow." Bonnie reminded him.

Johnny brought some water over in a bowl. Dean tested it with his elbow as Nitro came for a sniff. "Will someone tell this damn dog she's not a chicken fillet?" Bobby slapped the dog on the muzzle and dragged it away. "I swear this place is a madhouse. How we'll survive Christmas I don't know." Dean said to the baby. He hadn't even started on signing yet but he figured it didn't matter for the time being. He dipped her in the bowl and held her there for a minute. He looked at her properly for the first time since she was born. "She's really pretty gorgeous isn't she?"

"Are you shocked?" Johnny answered.

"Nah, just glad she doesn't take after her old man."

"Looks like you haven't lost your touch." His wife smiled.

He stared at Lily for a second. "Ya know, I can't imagine Hope and Cole ever bein' this tiny but..." He smiled. "We used to work the relay, when she started cryin' he'd go off. They were so cute." He shook himself as they all watched him lost in his memories.

Bonnie looked up and saw Cole leaning on the door frame watching his Dad. She gave him a look and he smiled giving her the feeling they could work things out.

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