Sorry for the delay, as we approach the end of term I get more and more tired and simply don't have the energy to write in the evenings. Plus, I still want to deliver decent long chapters for you! Seems a long time since my own Easter Break!
Chapter 37
Thirty years earlier
The early evening sunshine left dappled, pebble-like trails, across the white façade of the grand house. From his vantage point at the bottom of the garden Charles shielded his eyes and took in the sight – from wide porch to great windows to the ancient willow tree whose long limbs danced over the lawn.
At that precise moment in time it seemed like perfection. This wonderful building that was now set to become a wonderful home. At twenty-eight he was beginning to think of building a home, of finding someone to build it with.
When he was a boy home had been he and his mother, and it was all he wanted, well that and the shiny red bike he'd coveted from the age of five (he was eight by the time he finally got one and it meant freedom). Now that he was almost thirty and having to move back in with his mother he found it was no longer enough. As you got older the glass got larger and harder to fill.
He watched as the removal van pulled out from alongside the building, kicking up loose gravel as it went. He dug his hands into his pockets and set off back to the house; it was late afternoon and he was ready for a pint and something to eat, a pie preferably.
They'd been using the backdoor to take furniture in, but the French windows that led out to the garden had been open all day too – it was mid-July and warm, humid – so he made his way around the side of the house, pausing to dab a handkerchief against the back of his neck. He stopped, hearing the distinct sound of Isobel's laughter. She was giggling and it brought a smile to his face.
Moving closer to the sound of the giggles he paused again when he heard Richard's voice, then leant against the wall, the stone warmed by the sunshine, and watched as Isobel carried a tray of lemonade to the small iron table which stood on the patio.
Richard came up behind her, sliding his arms around her waist, his left hand on her firm, rounded belly. His palm was wide, wandering over the bump as he took in the dimensions. Charles watched as Richard whispered by her ear before kissing his wife's cheek.
It felt almost like an intrusion to be there, to witness such a moment. He wiped his brow and moved forward again, going to join them.
"I worry about Charles," he heard Isobel say as she poured lemonade.
"Why? Nothing wrong with the old chap."
"Do you know how lucky we are Richard?" She said, going to sit as he held out a chair for her. "This beautiful house for our gorgeous little boy to grow up in, and now twins on the way, and each other…"
"Most importantly," he smiled, bending to kiss her again. "You feel okay, not too tired?"
"Not at all, exhilarated."
"Good. And don't worry so about Charles. He's fine."
"He's moving back home with Violet." She rolled her eyes.
"He'll be fine." Richard said again, sitting beside her and holding her hand. "He has us, he can come here whenever he wants."
"Yes. But still. I want him to have this, to have something like we do."
Charles closed his eyes, turned his back on the scene.
Down on the lawn he could see their three-year-old son batting at a cricket ball. Determined, he set off down the bank; he'd teach the kid to hit a ball by the end of the day if it killed him.
Present Day
Elsie was up at 5:30, she rolled over and glanced at the bright lights on the bedside alarm clock and pushed herself up and out of the bed. An immediate mix of anxiety and excitement swelled in her stomach and the resulting adrenaline instantly woke her.
She was already pulling off her nightgown when she turned to the bed and realised Charles wasn't there. Switching on the light she scooped her hair up and clipped it on top of her head before making her way into the kitchen.
Charles was hunkered down in the hallway piling up boxes. She rubbed her eyes, leaning against the wall and watching him.
"Honey?" She said, "Why are you in the dark?"
He jerked around, startled to see her there, "Didn't want to wake you. Did I wake you? I've ben shuffling about like a hermit."
She smiled, "No, you didn't wake me." She flicked on the light switch. "What time did you get up?"
"About four I think."
"Charles, you'll be exhausted." She moved forward and ruffled his hair. "So, what are you doing?"
"Been loading boxes into the van we hired, we can make the first stop as soon as you're ready."
"Do you think maybe we might have a cup of tea first?"
He sat back on his heels, "Yeah, I guess so." As she turned to move he caught her arm, tugging her back, "Morning." He said gently, kissing the back of her hand.
"Good morning. You look happy."
"Today is the day I get to make a home with Elspeth Hughes."
"Oh," she chuckled, "And what have we be doing for the last couple of months?"
He shrugged, "Just shacking up."
She pushed on his shoulder with her free hand, "Oh thanks." And tugged her hand back, "I'll go make the tea, and some toast perhaps."
"Lovely."
The sun was only just peeking over the clouds by the time they made their first trip from the town to the country. Charles had never driven a van in his life and as they crested a hill and jerked from one gear to another Elsie gripped her seat.
"Sorry," he muttered as he ground the gears.
"Want me to drive?"
He noted the hint of amusement to her voice, "Shut up…" He warned, and heard her giggle.
"I used to manage a tractor you know," she said.
"Now that I would like to see. In wellingtons and your skirt hitched up."
"It wasn't some sort of fashion shoot," she laughed, "though if wellingtons do turn you on I'm sure I could purchase a new pair…"
"Steady on."
She leant her elbow on the edge of the door, turning to glance out of the window. The view was stunning. Rolling hills, still coated with frost in the crisp early morning air, the fading oranges and reds of autumn shimmering into existence.
She ran a hand over her arm feeling the gentle tickle of goose bumps appear; perhaps the van was cold, perhaps the morning was, or perhaps it's just that she was nervous.
She had clear memories of the first time she made a home with a man, moving into a tiny flat with Joe at the end of the summer. She'd finished college, not even stayed to wait for her results; they were young and eager to be alone. For the first two weeks all they'd done was make love on the tatty mattress they had set up on the bedroom floor – how simple it was then. No demands to decorate. No questions about who they were or what they were doing together or what might happen in the future. It never even occurred to her to ask.
Charles mumbled his annoyance as her jerked the gears again and it drew her from her musings.
"Look at the sky," she said softly, reaching across to rest her hand on his upper leg. "I can hardly believe we're going to live here."
He smiled appreciatively, "Pretty amazing."
"Sometimes I forget how lucky we are to live in such a beautiful place."
"This England." He said grandly. "Green and pleasant land."
"Oh but I'm Scottish, don't forget."
"And we can both equally be proud of our heritage." He laughed, his hand briefly touching hers as he reached for the gear stick and slowed down. "And here we are. Home sweet home."
He felt her fingers tighten on his leg as he pulled into the drive; it wasn't the first time they'd driven there together but goodness knows it felt decidedly momentous to him.
Circling round her pulled in front of the house and reversed to give them easy access to the back doors of the van. He hopped down easily then went round to help her out, watching as she dangled her feet down and held his hand to jump the step. He caught her arm in his, used his other to slide around her back and hold her closer.
"Come on then."
"Come on where, what are you doing?"
"Picking you up," he said, doing just that.
"Picking… why? Ah, Charles!"
He bounced her in his arms, enjoying the warmth of her weight in his arms.
She readjusted her scarf, which had trapped between them, "Threshold carrying is meant to be for when I'm Mrs Carson."
"Well, you almost are. Let's see this as practice for the real thing. Don't want to drop the bride on her big day."
"Absolutely not," she smiled, "go on then chauffeur, let's go."
She dug around in her bag as they approached the door and dangled the key until he lowered her close enough to the door to be able to unlock it and push it open.
"Smells of paint." She commented.
"Hmm, and new wood." He added, turning to fit them through the door.
"Can you pop me down now then love?"
"I might." He bounced her again, feeling her fingers curling into the back of his neck.
"Charles, we have lots to do," she leant in to kiss his cheek. "Your hair's all flyaway this morning."
"Didn't bother with gel, figured there was no need as I'm spending all day with you moving boxes."
"Think we should have hired a removal firm?"
"What's the point? It's mostly boxes today and John will help later with the larger furniture." He softly placed her down as he spoke. "Cup of tea first?"
"Best way to start the day, I'm going to open the windows upstairs first though, if we're sleeping here tonight we need to get rid of this smell of paint. What time are they delivering the bed?"
"Eleven they said, but they did say we'd get a text when they're almost here."
"It better be the comfiest bed I've ever spent a night on," she said, taking off her hat and scarf. "The money it's cost us."
By midday the majority of their belongings were piled in the appropriate room, kitchen apparel in the garage. As it was there were no doors on any of the rooms so moving back and forth wasn't an issue, though Elsie was losing her temper over people trampling all over her new carpets in their shoes.
The kitchen was sealed off, the only room with a door in tact, and currently under several inches of dust and rubble. Charles had set up a kettle and teapot on a side table in the corner of the hallway, right by the downstairs bathroom.
"Ready to bring in the sofa then?" John asked from the doorway.
Anna put down her mug and zipped up her jacket, "Ready."
"No way!" John insisted, quickly followed by Charles' "You're not carrying a thing."
"I feel useless." She claimed with a huff.
"Well you aren't carrying, don't even pick up a box," Charles insisted. "Go find your mother, she seems intent on emptying every box and piling our belongings up just so we can see how much rubbish we own between us."
Anna giggled, heading toward the back of the house, "Yeah, alright, give me the tough job."
"Kick your shoes off though, hey, just to be safe." He warned, before following John outside to the van.
"You know, I' not sure you should be lifting all this heavy stuff neither," John said, climbing up and positioning himself at one end of the sofa.
"Don't make me out an old man." Charles huffed, reaching up to grasp the end of the bulky furniture. "I can still manage this."
"Yeah but, no offence mate, you look knackered. You've been at it since dawn."
"Even before then, but I'm determined to get the flat empty, then you and Anna can focus on moving in there tomorrow, or decorating or whatever you want to do. Feel free you know, it could use new carpets in the lounge, though I only had that kitchen and bathroom fitted three years ago so should be fine."
"I can't believe you're just letting us have it, at least let us pay, I don't like to feel we're leaving you out of pocket."
"Don't be silly, lift this thing then."
John did as he asked, and moved slowly as Charles backed away from the van and John carefully jumped down, the two of them manoeuvring the sofa around the side of the house and towards the patio doors which led into the conservatory.
"You're sure this is where she wants it?" John asked.
"Sure. We've ordered a new suite for the lounge, should be here Tuesday. The varnish on the skirting boards should be dry by then, got another coat of that bugger to apply though, it's a real pain to put on."
"I can help."
"I've told you, after today you go focus on getting settled with Anna. I want you to make sure she's perfectly happy before that baby arrives, the back room will make a great nursery you know, it gets no street noise and there's loads of natural light."
Charles looked up once the sofa was in place and found John grinning at him, "What?"
"Not sure who's more excited about this baby, me or you."
Charles shrugged, "I'm not excited. I'm worried and trying to find logical ways to cope with it."
"I'm worried, god knows what kind of dad I'm going to make. But I feel blessed you know, that I've got a second chance at life with this wonderful woman."
Lord knows Charles understood that particular feeling.
"Listen, I want to talk to you about something."
"Sounds serious…" John dug his hands into his pockets, "Go on."
"Charles!" Elsie shouted from the hall. "Who's eaten all these biscuits?"
John smiled as Charles rubbed his chin and whispered, "I think that might be me, I'll give you a fiver if you take half the blame, she'll kill me if she knows I've polished off an entire pack of Digestives in one morning. Cholesterol."
"Well?" She asked as she marched into the conservatory, brandishing an empty packet.
"I think I may have had some." John offered.
"Some?" Elsie asked, hands on her hips.
"What do you think of the sofa being here?" Charles interrupted. "Okay?"
She stood back, biting her lip, "Maybe a bit to the right." She asked, making a shuffling motion with her hands. The men quickly carried out her wishes, "Perfect." She smiled, finally, clapping her hands together, "just think how wonderful it will be sitting here with a glass of wine and taking in that view as the sun sets."
"Roll on next summer." Charles agreed, enjoying her enthusiasm.
"What were you two up to next?" She asked, opening the bag she carried and taking out her purse.
"I feel we're going to be seconded to a task," he said, sinking down onto the sofa.
Moving to stand in front of him she handed him a twenty-pound note, "Thought you could fetch lunch on your way back from the next run. Pick up some sandwiches."
"Good idea," he took the money from her, "any particular order?"
"Ham salad for me on granary."
"Let me guess, Anna wants anything spicy?" John chuckled, "it's all she'll eat at the moment, spicy food. I've got constant heartburn."
"She did indeed make that request," Elsie grinned, shaking her head, "funny I had zero cravings during my pregnancy, except at the end and that was that she'd just get out of me. There's only so much of swollen ankles and agonising back pain you can take."
"You remember this when it gets close to delivery." Charles warned.
"Will do sir."
Rolling his eyes Charles held his hand out to Elsie, "Help me up, the old man's starting to wane."
She did as he asked, "Don't wear yourself out. We can always finish the moving tomorrow."
"That's what I said."
"No, I want it done, then we can just stay here tomorrow and find a place for all this stuff we seem to own."
"Either that or have a massive bonfire out on the lawn." She kissed his cheek, whispering, "just take it steady though."
"Will do. Lock this door after us," Charles said, "we've got to get used to the fact we now live in the middle of nowhere. Our nearest neighbours are about a mile away I reckon."
"Don't be silly, if you stand in the garden you can see their farm."
"I'm just saying."
"Alright, alright, I'll lock the door."
"We need to get used to being safe."
"We live in England, in the Yorkshire countryside, it's hardly a hotbed of dangerous criminals."
"Els…" he warned, turning at the door to face her, in the driveway John started the van.
"At least he's driving now, you should be safe."
"Ha bloody ha."
She pulled his collar up, "It's cold out."
"Yes mother."
"I do hope not," she kissed him again, "Am I being too snappy today?"
"Just…organised."
"Hmm, well I'm going upstairs now to make the beds up, curtains are hung so at least we can sleep comfortably. Though there's still no water in the en suite."
"I know, I forgot to mention that, the plumber will be out again first thing Monday."
"Okay. Get coffees too hey, nice ones, and one of those fruit smoothie things Anna likes."
"Will do. Won't be long."
She shut the door after him, watching as he mouthed through the glass, "Lock the door." Nodding she turned the key and headed back through the house to her daughter.
Anna was lying on the double bed in what would be Charles and Elsie's bedroom, her legs crossed at the ankles, hands resting on her stomach and eyes closed.
For a moment Elsie remained silent by the door watching her, there were times it was still difficult to believe her daughter was almost three months pregnant, she still thought of her as her baby.
"You okay sweetheart?"
Anna's head snapped up, "Sorry, thought I'd test out your new bed."
"Decent enough mattress?"
"Great."
"Wanna help me make it up?"
"Ohh I don't know, think I'll get the corners sharp enough? You have exacting standards."
"Ah but you were taught by me, no doubt the corners on your bed are just as sharp."
Anna laughed, "You know me too well." She rolled onto her side, the plastic on the mattress sticking to her back as she did so. "Oh, help me up mum." She asked, holding out her arm.
Elsie did as requested, "Won't be able to do this when your nine months pregnant."
"Don't even let me think about that, I think I'll be massive, my ankles will blow up like Kim Kardashian's."
"Oh goodness no, I bet you're still skinny with the tiniest hint of a bump, like Princess Kate."
"With fabulous hair," Anna teased, flicking hers out as they giggled. "Did you send them for lunch?"
"As you asked, now do you want to tell me what's on your mind?" Elsie said as she unfolded the base sheet and shook it out.
Anna began peeling the plastic covering from the new mattress.
"You're the first one to lie on that bed you know."
Anna's eyebrows rose and she said cheekily, "Will Charles mind?"
"He won't know."
Laughing, Anna rolled the plastic cover into a ball and threw it aside and Elsie shook the sheet out onto the mattress, Anna took one end and between them they began making the bed. "So..."
"Yes, darling daughter?"
"I was wondering… you see I'd like you involved in this."
"This?"
"This…" she indicated her stomach, "as much as possible. You will come to the scans won't you? I can make appointments for after work."
Elsie swallowed, "Of course I will, John won't mind?"
"No, I've already told him I'd like you there. Which brings me to my next request."
"Go on." She watched proudly as Anna tucked the sheets in and plumped the pillows into shape.
"The birth. I'd like you there for that too." She shrugged, "I don't want to be on my own."
"John will be there." Elsie said softly.
"Yes. But he isn't my mum. I'd like my mum there. Besides, he has to stay by my head at all times and I need you to make sure he does so."
Elsie laughed, "Fair enough. You know I'd love to be there, I just don't want to be pushy."
"You aren't, I am."
Her heart swelled, as much as things had changed between them over the past year that bond they shared, formed over so many years and so many upsets, was still as strong as ever.
"Don't invite Charles in, he'll faint." Elsie commented.
"I figured as much."
They laughed together, standing back to look at the dressed room.
"It looks good in here mum."
"Thank you. Would you believe Charles chose the colours?"
"I like it, they complement each other well. Though I notice every room is painted white mother…"
"Now don't pick on me for that, we both agreed."
"Did you indeed?"
Elsie rolled her eyes, "Don't take that tone, he likes white rooms as much as I do. Take a look at that flat."
"Fair enough, fair enough."
"So, you want to go upstairs, pick out which room we'll use for my Grandchild?"
Anna's face broke into a smile then she giggled.
"What's funny?"
"You. Grandma."
"Oh bugger off."
"You do realise you'll have to get rid of this double bed once you're a grandma, have twin beds in here, no more hanky panky."
"Now you can definitely bugger off, come on, let's pick a room before they get back."
Thirty years earlier
Stretching up towards the top of the wall cupboard, Elsie yelped slightly as the ladder upon which she stood wobbled. Reaching forward she gripped the edge of the shelf and leant her other hand against the wall until she felt steadied.
"Oh, sod it," she complained, lifting her hand up from the shelf and noting the coating of paint on her palm and the handprint she'd left on the wood. "And the last bloody shelf." She started it again, moving the brush gently from one side to the other and coating the once dark wood with a bright white, a hint of minty green to it.
Carefully stepping down from the ladder she stepped back and took in the finished product, to her mind it looked wonderful, and the room already fresher and brighter. She wiped her hands down the front of her shirt; she was sweaty, her hair was pushed back beneath a scarf and she hadn't even bothered with make-up that morning, but after weeks of being stuck at home circling dead-end jobs in the paper she was glad to have accomplished something.
Hearing the door to the flat open she put the paintbrush aside and stood back expectantly.
"Joe?"
"Hi baby."
Smiling she greeted him at the entrance to the lounge, placing a kiss to his cheek.
"Woah! What have you done?" He said, his hands gripping her shoulders.
"Doesn't it look great, entire bloody day I've been doing this, since you left this morning."
He stepped past her, standing back to look at the newly whited cupboards.
"So? What do you think?" She said proudly. She bit down on her lip, hands on her hips, for some reason her chest tightening as she waited for his response. "Do you…" she licked her lips, "Do you not like it?"
"Well its… it's a bit different to when I left this morning."
She got ready to defend herself, "We did discuss lightening it up in here."
"Yes." His voice was low, and he'd still not turned back to look at her.
"So… I just got on with it. I mean, I can't just sit around every day, like I have been, you know, sitting here every day waiting for you to come home from work…"
"Yes."
"Don't just say that." She folded her arms. "You'll make me feel bad and I tried really hard."
He finally turned round, almost spinning on his heel to face her, his face immediately shifting from hard stare to saccharine smile. "It's fine."
"It's… fine?" She bit her lip again.
"Yes. I'm going to have a bath before dinner, will that give you long enough to make it?"
She shook her arms loose, shrugging, "Yes. Of course."
"Good." He kissed the top of her head. "Off you go then babe."
Present Day
"Els, you seen my wash bag, I want to take a shower?"
"Wash bag? I don't even know where my underwear is, let alone your shower gel." She responded, continuing to empty a box out onto the coffee table.
"Going commando for a few days then hey…" he sniggered.
"Have you hidden them?" She laughed, turning to face him, noting the large, flat package wrapped in brown paper leaning against his leg.
"What's this?"
"A moving in gift. For our bedroom."
"Charles," she breathed, putting her cup of tea down, "I didn't get you anything."
"That doesn't matter. Come on, open it."
She stood up, eyeing the size of the package. "It isn't a mirror is it?" She teased. "For the ceiling."
"What kind of man do you think I am?" He pouted, crossing his arms, his eyes twinkling.
Giggling she tore the paper from one side to the other, smiling when she revealed a wonderful bright painting.
"A field of sun kissed sunflowers," she exclaimed. "Charles, how wonderful."
"Bit of a reminder of our engagement party." He shrugged, blushing.
"Now Mr Carson, don't tell me you're getting embarrassed."
"Don't tease, come here and kiss me."
"I'm still ill you know, you'll catch my cold."
"Right now, I don't care."
"Mmm, you will when you're kept awake by non-stop sneezing." Still, she leant over and kissed him anyway, her arms draped over his shoulders. "Good day," she stated.
"A very good day."
"I'm going to try and work out the shower and get rid of some of this dust from my hair."
"Fair enough, shall I put something on for dinner?" He asked.
"We've got bread haven't we, cheese?"
He smiled, "Cheese on toast?"
"I'll make it when I've showered. Why don't you hang this, the wall facing the bed?"
"That's where I thought too."
"Great minds." She stretched her back, easing out her aching muscles. "Goodness, I've spent far too long on my knees today emptying boxes, enough I think. A shower, food and then bed."
"Agreed. I feel bad that Anna and John spent their entire day here and we didn't get them anything."
"We'll take them out to dinner as a thank you, with Anna's current taste for all things spicy we should choose an Indian restaurant."
"Hmm…"
She patted his arm, "You'll be fine, look how adventurous you've gotten since we got together."
"In every way. Leave the shower running when you've done and I'll nip in too."
"Will do." He watched wearily as she took the stairs two at a time, following slowly with the painting tucked under one arm and his toolbox in the other.
Pausing by the entrance to the lounge and rubbing his damp hair with a towel Charles smiled, watching intently as Elsie danced around the room barefoot, a glass of wine in one hand, her hair damp from her shower. He thought she looked stunning.
He crossed his legs, leaning against the doorframe to watch her. The lounge was coming together, the floor was down, the woodwork polished and completed. Their new sofas hadn't arrived yet and Elsie was still debating over whether they needed a rug in front of the fire but clearly as he'd been showering she'd been placing their knickknacks around the room. Given pride of place was a photograph of the two of them together. He recognised it as the night he'd taken her to Van Zeller, the night he'd been late and he'd rushed into that restaurant fully expecting her to have given up and gone home and there she was – this stunningly beautiful woman waiting for him. And she was still there. Here. In their home.
Behind her the darkness of night reflected her movements in the large windows, it was black behind her, so very different to living in a flat in the town, where it never seemed to really go dark.
"Oh since the day I saw you, I have been waiting for you, you know I will adore you til eternity." She sang out loud and clear, putting her wine glass down and fussing with how the curtains hung.
"I hope that remains true." He said lowly.
She twirled around to face him, surprised by his presence. "Oh, I think it will." She held her arms out, "Come dance with me for a moment. Then I'll make our dinner."
"Our first dinner here."
He threw his towel aside and slid one arm around her waist, and she curled her arms around his back.
"You know all week we can use the statement 'our first…'," she smiled, "this is our first dance here."
"I'm looking forward to lots of 'firsts' here."
"Oh, so am I."
"What do we have on?" He asked, indicating the radio she'd set up on the coffee table.
"Golden oldies." She said brightly, smiling, "Feel better for your shower?"
"Yes, though that faucet took some working out."
"I know, it'll be better when we update the suite."
"I've seen a shower in that booklet the builder left, big enough for two."
"Oh." She smiled as he twisted them round, the music light and soulful around them, "And will we need a double shower?"
"We might. Mightn't we?" He teased.
"I suppose so," she laughed as he twirled her backwards and dipped her. "I forget you can dance, you just don't like to do it in public."
'My love must be a kite of blind love, I can't see anyone but you…'
"Nice song," he said, leaning in closer to her, his chin on the top of her head.
"One of my favourites," she whispered, embracing his warmth, the simplicity of them moving so slowly together in their lounge. He was sturdy and whole in her arms and she held him tight as she sang along to the words, 'I only have eyes for you,' she pressed a kiss to his chest.
"I only have eyes for you too," he whispered, kissing her cheek, twirling them around again. He groaned as they turned, "enough dancing for tonight."
"Oh dear sweetie," she rested her hands heavy on his shoulders, "you do look exhausted. I told you, you should have stopped when you got tired."
"Wanted to get it done." He leant backwards, easing out the kinks in his back.
"Here, come sit in the conservatory, only place we have a decent lounger at the moment." She opened the doors and preceded him into the room, bending by a small heater which she'd plugged in, "unfortunately it's bloody freezing in here."
"Mmm, so it is." He flopped back onto the sofa, "I'll think on that, we might have to get it properly insulated, I've always fancied that under floor heating though, perhaps we could have the entire ground floor done."
"Oh goodness not now, let's wait a while."
"How long's a while?"
"Like two years or so, it's going to take forever to get over the cost of this kitchen and then we want two bathrooms rejuvenating. No need to rush Charles. We have forever here."
He shrugged, rubbing his neck, "I suppose. God my feet are killing me."
"Those boots perhaps, not used to them. And you've been on your feet all day." She turned from the heater to look up at him; he looked very pale and incredibly tired. Pushing herself to her feet she moved to him, resting her hand on his forehead, he felt clammy, warm.
"I'm alright." He said gently, eyes closed.
"An early night for you," she insisted, that motherly tone creeping into her voice.
"I'm starving. Nothing since those sandwiches at lunch."
"I know. I'll go get your toast." She slid her hands down his legs, the goose bumps on his legs rising beneath her palms. "Nice robe," she smiled.
"Thanks." He tilted his chin towards the picture on the fireplace, "Nice picture, didn't know you'd have that printed."
"Was a surprise."
"Looks good."
"We do, don't we."
Listening to the kettle boil for the third time Elsie wondered how long they'd have to make do with this set up. She poured the water in the bowl she'd placed on the floor; the steam rose, filling the hallway with the fragrance of lavender. Hooking a towel over her arm she carried the bowl through the where Charles sat finishing off his cheese on toast.
"You were a long time, where's your food?"
"I'll go get some in a minute, here, lift up your feet."
"What's this for?"
"It'll ease the ache, and keep you warm too."
He smiled as he dipped his toes in, then snatched them back, "It's hot."
"Give it a minute or two, you want a cup of tea or beer?"
"Ohh a beer I think, I've worked hard today haven't I?"
"You have indeed honey."
"And one of those chocolate teacakes I saw you'd tried to hide in the cupboard under the stairs."
"Are you training to be a spy Mr Carson?"
"Just got a good nose for the sweet stuff."
She leant forward and kissed his forehead, he wasn't clammy anymore. She took the empty plate from his hand, "You are the sweet stuff. Now soak your feet and I'll go get you a drink…" She pushed herself back to her feet.
"And?"
She paused by the door, taking in his grin, "And a chocolate teacake. Goodness he's demanding."
The first night in a new bed is always somewhat unnerving. The position of the bed, the play of light across the ceiling, the feel of the bed sheets, the sound of the mattress as you turn and move. The noises of outside, the creak of the house, the breath of the person sharing the bed with you.
Completely exhausted yet unable to sleep Elsie turned for perhaps the hundredth time and dropped her legs out of the bed, her feet sinking into the plush new carpet. She wiggled her toes and set off into the dark hall, feeling her way along the wall until she reached the bathroom, she made her way inside and found the light switch, blinking at the starkness of it. In the town she could nip to the loo in the middle of the night and use the streetlights to guide her, in the country it was moonlight and the unfortunately the night was cloudy.
Returning to the bedroom she bashed her toe against the door and yelped as she caught hold of the bedframe to steady herself.
"Are you alright?" Charles said into the darkness.
"Sorry. Woke you." She said, finding her way back into bed.
"I was already awake."
"I can't sleep neither," he laid his arm out, "come here."
She rolled into his embrace, resting her cheek against his chest. "Ah, now I remember this pillow."
He smiled, kissing her head. "It's familiar to me too," he said, squeezing her waist.
"I haven't shaved my legs."
"What?" He chuckled. "You what?"
"Haven't shaved my legs, not for days, we've been rather too preoccupied with moving to bother with sex."
He laughed again, oddly bright in the dark room, "And shaving your legs means sex would be on the menu."
"Absolutely." She laughed too at the silliness of it, rolling onto her back, resting her head on his stomach and staring up at the ceiling. He was warm and the new sheets felt crisp and fresh around her.
"Do you remember your first home? I mean the first home you lived in outside of your parents' house?"
"Yes. Richard and a shared a dingy flat. We lived off beans on toast and hardly ever cleaned."
"Sounds about right."
"You?"
She sighed, "My place with Joe, when we moved down from Scotland."
"Ah," he ran his fingertips down her bare arm, feeling her shiver at his touch.
"The other week, our argument here…"
He licked his lips, "Yes."
"My reaction to it, more to the point. My therapist wondered if maybe you wanted to come in to one of my sessions, to discuss it."
He closed his eyes, his arm curling even tighter around her waist, "if you're sure that's what you want."
She laughed, a hollow, sharp sound, "I'm not sure. I suppose it would be good, but the therapy – I see it as separate to us."
"Oh…"
She rolled onto her stomach, looking for his face in the dark room, "Oh I don't mean that to sound horrible, I'm not meaning to exclude you."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean what happened between Joe and I is the past, and that's what I talk about with her, and you're my present, my future, I don't want you dragged into all that mess." She rolled her eyes, her hands rested on his chest, "I know that sounds ridiculous, going on all the times I've relied on you in the past and spilled my guts to you. But as we move forward I don't want what we have tarnished by the past."
"So you think it's a bad idea for me to join your session?"
"Maybe."
"Anna went."
"She was in it, she was part of what went on back then, it's good for us to talk about it together." She rubbed her palm over his bare chest, "You do understand, don't you?"
"Don't I always."
"Don't be hurt."
"I'm not." He rested his hand on her back, half on her skin, half on the silk of her nightgown. "Can I ask you something?"
"Anything."
"Sometimes I wonder… you see to me you're so independent, so energetic and full of life and vitality and opinions," he smiled, "how did you get into the position where…?" He wasn't sure how to finish; afraid maybe he'd gone too far, insinuated the fault was hers.
She thought on it for a moment, folded her arms and rested her chin on them so she could still see his face. "I don't even remember the first time it happened, you know. It was so subtle, so gradual. There isn't a moment I can pinpoint or a day where I thought 'hang on a minute, he's abusing me now.' Things don't work like that."
"No."
"I started to feel scared of him, worried about how he'd react to things, minding what I said or how I acted." She gave him a small smile, their eyes adjusted to the dim light now, "which as you can guess was pretty difficult considering my inability to think through my comments before I say them."
He tried to smile back but couldn't, her very personality had been suppressed, that must have taken years of manipulation. "You're not scared of me, are you?" He said gently.
"Of course not." She reached up to touch his face, "Of course not Charles. My fear is nothing to do with you."
"Fear?"
"I fear messing this up, things are going so well – we're so good together."
Now he smiled, "We are."
"And now we have this home, our home, a few months and we'll be settled. And then the wedding, and the baby coming…"
"Which you're handling pretty damned well may I say."
"It's a cover, I'm calm on the surface, believe me underneath I'm freaking out about it."
He chuckled, "Freaking out?"
"Shut up. As if you're calm over it."
He shrugged, his fingers stroking her back. "So, this 'fear'?"
"Mmm, I fear I'll mess it up."
"Why would you?"
"Because that's what I do. You know," she bit down on her bottom lip, her brow furrowed.
"What?"
"I shouldn't bring this up because it's not a nice memory, but in Dubai, when I pushed you away, I was so damned scared of accepting your love. Of letting you in, getting too close. Because having that intimacy with you, that reliance on 'love'…" She momentarily closed her eyes.
"Love had always let you down in the past."
"I guess so."
"It let me down too, in that I never found it."
She smiled slightly, glad of his levity, "Letting you in meant you had power and that meant you could do what he did, and it took me a while to convince myself that it was safe to let it happen."
He opened his mouth, about to respond but unable to find the words.
"Not that I ever thought you were like him, it was about my insecurities… my fear."
"And are you still afraid?"
"Of course not. Not of that."
"But you said you still have this 'fear' of messing this up?"
"Which I believe every human must have, aren't we a mass of colliding insecurities. You can't always have it 'together'."
"No, we can't. Though you do damned well at making people believe that's exactly what you are. Completely calm and together."
"A skill every woman must have." She moved her body, her legs tangling with his as she leant up on her hands and moved to kiss him, "I am so very much in love with you Charles Carson."
"And I you." He wrapped his arms around her, "I like it when we have these late night conversations."
"It's a healthy thing the therapist tells me, to talk things through."
"I agree with her. If I wasn't so damned tired I'd consider making love to you."
She smirked, "Would you indeed. Well, if I wasn't so damned tired I might just consider it too. I guess that first time will have to wait."
"Not too long though."
"No. Not too long." She kissed him again, longer this time, before rolling to the side and resting her head against his chest. "Goodnight honey."
"Goodnight darling, sleep well."
"You too. A long day of unpacking and decorating awaits you."
"I can hardly wait."
Songs mentioned:
* Be My Baby - The Ronettes
* I Only Have Eyes For You - The Flamingos
I hope you're still enjoying, please leave me a little note. I reckon we've got about 10 or so more chapters to go ((until the end!)) and my aim is to reach a 1000 by the time we get there. I'll feel a sense of accomplishment then :-) Thank you for your support lovely people!