Warning: non-consensual sex


Chapter 35: The Dream and the Letter

The dream came to him. Again the dream. Remus turned on his side, sighing, and surrendered again to sleep, smiling and sinking into the dream. When the dream came to him was his favorite time of night, especially since Calyxa's return to Venice had ripped a jagged hole in his life.

It was sunny down by the lake and, like a picnic, they were stretched out on a blanket in the grass. Oddly enough, there was no one around. Not that he cared. Calyxa lay on her back smiling at him, her velvet eyes lovely and bright with that intoxicating look of affection as he touched the side of her face, his fingertips stroking gently. Propped up on one elbow, he gazed down at her, wondering if he dared try and kiss her.

"Remus," she murmured, as her hands slid up to either side of his face and her fingers threaded into his hair.

He shivered at her touch, which was all the encouragement he needed. He leaned over and lowered his head to kiss her. She sighed in pleasure and continued to caress his hair and his neck. Her soft mouth was nibbling him, she was tasting his lips and there was no rush or urgency in her movements. Calyxa was enjoying him, and he wasn't about to do anything to interfere with that.

On the other hand, though it was lovely, it was also very arousing, and he wondered, somewhat dimly, if he should shift away from her, so she would not notice. He didn't want her to imagine that he was attempting to pressure her into anything more.

Then he felt her hands unfastening the front of his robes and he broke off the kiss. "No – don't do that," he said in a thick voice. He had done an admirable job of keeping hold of his feelings, and he wasn't going to lose control now.

"I can't help it," she whispered, smiling mischievously. "I want to touch you."

He nearly groaned at her words and the expression on her face. He wanted her to! Sweet Merlin! He could hardly bear to stop her, but he could not let her, or he might lose control. Not here, not now. "Here." He drew both of her arms up over her head and gently held her wrists in one of his hands. "That's better."

She wiggled a little, flushed and smiling, testing how far she could move her arms and pressing their bodies together. "I think I like this," she whispered, her eyes glittering.

She was far too soft and firm and curvy. Her breasts pressed against him and her hips and thighs. With an audible groan, he lowered his head to kiss her again and shifted so that he was lying half on top of her. She wiggled again, laughing against his lips, and he was growing too hard – she had to be able to feel it!

His free hand moved down her side over her waist and hip and slid up again to curve around one of her breasts.

"Remus… please…" she breathed, arching her back to press her breast more firmly into his hand. "Yes."

Her scent filled his brain, and he recognized it instinctively. She was aroused too. He scented his female's arousal, and darkness shrouded his mind as the wolf took over.

Bearing down on her, forcing his tongue into her mouth, he growled deep in his throat. He began to rock back and forth, humping against her, relishing her softness even through all the layers of their clothes. Somehow in the dream, his inexperience interfered, and he could not imagine taking them off. Desperately, he ground his hips down against her. Mine, the wolf thought. My female. My mate. There was no time to do anything more.

His mate was squirming and wiggling, pushing against him, driving him mad...

Then she had the scent of fear, and she was lying completely still… his female, his mate… Rubbing against her, he reached a climax. Remus had only ever used his hand before, and this was very, very different. He shuddered as he came, still enveloped in the fog of her scent and taste. It was a powerful reaction, much more intense than he was used to from his usual night-time self-pleasure.

Finally, he lay spent on top of her and her arms pulled free. "Remus," she whispered in a tremulous voice, pushing against him. "You are hurting me."

Shocked, horrified, he recoiled. She was crying, tears streaked her face, the skin around her mouth was red, and her lip was bleeding. Her arms wrapped around her middle – her delicate white wrists were covered with red finger marks that would no doubt turn to bruises.

What had he done?

Filled with self-disgust and revulsion, he sat up. Calyxa turned away, sobbing.

"What have I done?"

In the dark of night, he sat up, breathing hard as the wet spot on his pajamas grew cold. Erotic dreams often ended this way for him, but never before had violence been part of them. Filled with self-loathing, he reached for his wand and used a cleaning spell before flopping down and burying his face in his pillow.

How could he even dream such a thing? Poor Calyxa! Even though she loved him, even though she wanted to make love with him… he was going to hurt her. The wolf would take over and hurt her. He would forget, the wolf would get control and would… force her, rape her…

Sickened, he leapt up and dashed out of the dormitory, reaching the toilet just in time. As he vomited the contents of his stomach, tears leaked from his tightly closed eyes. He could not risk such a thing. He could never let himself be alone with her. He could never let himself kiss her or touch her that way again. No, he could never love any girl. He was far too dangerous. He would have to remain alone forever.

If Calyxa had still been at Hogwarts, Remus knew he would never have been able look at her and convince her that he wanted to break up. Since she had gone back to Venice, he would be able to do it with a letter. Although he knew it was the coward's way to break up, it was the only way he could do it and have it work.

His logic was simple. He had to protect her from the violent and lustful side of himself. The only way he could do that was to break up, to not see her anymore. And the only way to do that was to hurt her. It had to be done. Hurt her once and let her find someone else. Let her find a nice wizard, someone who was whole and healthy. Someone who would not force himself on her violently.

The letter, however, proved to be much harder to write than he had originally thought. He had never imagined it would be easy, but the pain cut through him deep down into his soul as he composed the words that would hurt her so badly that she wouldn't want to see him again.

He felt real physical pain slicing his insides as he wrote the words: don't really feel the same way. He was actually crying when he got to new girlfriend. The bitterness increased and he became nauseated, but still he wrote. Good thing we didn't… first time will be better with a wizard who loves you as much as you love him... know it's awful of me to break up when you're in mourning… wish we could still be friends… probably better off… never forget you…

He read it back to himself only once. It was a horrible letter and by far the cruelest thing he had ever done. However, it was the only way to be sure that she'd be safe. He was well aware that she would probably never forgive him, but he had no choice. It was better to hurt her this way. She'd soon find a wizard who deserved her and make her happy for the rest of her life. There was no other way. He would never be able to go on living if he laid a hand on her in violence. And this would hurt her less than being savaged by a trusted lover.

It was something, at least, that he had spared her that.

Notes:
This ends the flashback, and the next chapter will finds us back in 1994.

For anyone reading, I'll be taking a break for a few weeks, so the story will be on hiatus for a while.

Please take the time during my break to leave some comments! I'd appreciate any thoughts or comments that you have, and since the ratio of hits-to-reviews is so immense, I know that a lot of people are reading but not saying anything!

Acknowledgements:
Thanks to Clara Minutes for beta-reading and to Finrod the Faithful for the guy-point-of-view.