Yes, I know I haven't updated in awhile, I'm lazy, what can I say? And as another special little added bonus I went sledding with my friend and being the lucky little person I am, I got hurt.

Can you saw ow?

Ok, ok, let's move on now…..I have a funny chappie for yous. :)

Fangirls

DUN.

"Did you hear that?" Esme whispered to Carlisle who was sitting at his desk going over reports from the hospital. He nodded slowly.

DUN.

Alice jumped, falling onto her bed beside her husband. Jasper dropped his book in surprise. She turned to Jasper, eyes wide with fear and saw her look masked on his face.

"Oh no."

DUN.

Rosalie stopped and turned to Emmett, who was lying on the bed, watching his wife dig through her closet.

"Rosey?" He looked up at her worried, oblivious to the 'DUN's outside.

DUN.

Edward pulled away from Bella, quickly scanning around their meadow.

"Edward? What is it? What's wrong?" She grew anxious as she drew closer to him, his head still swiveling as he looked around. "Edward?"

"We have to run."

"Wh-"

DUN.

He scooped up the confused human, and took off as fast as he could toward the Cullen house.

DUN.

The Cullens had gathered in the living room, pulling the blinds over the large window. Carlisle started pacing, ignoring Alice as she yelled at the un-cooperating curtain.

"Jasper, where are they? They should have been down here five minutes ago." He did his best to keep his voice level, but it was evident that he was terrified.

"I, I don't know." Jasper spoke quietly. "I thought Bella and Edward were out at the meadow." Rosalie spun around quickly, staring at Jasper.

"You mean they're OUTSIDE?!"

"Wel-" He was cut off by an eardrum shattering scream followed by a yelp of shock from Edward. Esme screamed as well and ran to her husband.

"They're…they're…" One word was all it took…

"Fangirls." Emmett spoke in a creepy cryptic voice as everyone went into a panic.

DUN.

"AUGH! GET AWAY FROM ME!" Carlisle screamed, clutching the tree limb for dear life as they began to claw for him, screaming like banshees. One of the girls –a blonde- screamed again, nearly crying with joy.

"I TOUCHED HIM! I TOUCHED HIS HAIR!" The red head girl next to her shoved her as all the other girls backed away, watching the fight.

"NO! I DID!" Yelled the blonde.

"NO I DID!" The red head shrieked.

"I DID!" The blonde screeched.

"I DID!" Some other girl yelled to them as she clung to Carlisle's arm. A high pitched shriek of fear filled the air as the other girls ran closer, proud of their 'I Heart Carlisle Cullen' shirts. Another high pitched shriek was heard as Carlisle slipped, letting go of the branch and falling into the sea of Carlisle Fangirls.

"MUMMY!" He cried.

DUN.

"BACK! STAY BACK YOU FOUL BEASTS! GO BACK FROM WHICH YE CAME!" Emmett kicked at a girl, hitting her in the face.

"HE KICKED ME! EMMETT MCCARTY CULLEN KICKED ME IN THE FACE!" She squealed, clutching her eye as a bruise formed.

"Oooh! KICK ME! KICK ME!" They all began to yell as the other girl backed away, still clutching her face. Emmett withdrew his foot from their clutches, trying to climb higher into the tree.

"KICK ME!" "KICK ME TOO!" "AND ME!" They began to shout, jumping up and down in their 'I Heart Emmett Cullen' shirts. Emmett smiled to himself.

"I'll kick you all the way from here to…" His eyes narrowed dangerously, "QUÉBEC!" He yelled down at them, ready to kick the nearest one in the stomach.

Before he even had a chance to kick any of them, the branch he was currently sitting on snapped under his weight, and he was swallowed into the sea of Emmett Fangirls.

DUN.

"BACK DEMONS! BACK I SAY!" Jasper screeched down at the girls, terrified. "Go hug Mike or something!"

As he said this, all the girls stopped jumping up and down, a disgusted look on their faces. One of them finally spoke up while the others began to make gagging noises.

"Are you for real? He's like….."

"EEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!" They all yelled, making the exact same cringing motions in unison. Jasper shivered, gripping the branch even tighter.

"THERE HE HIS!" Another one shouted, pointing at the nerdy little ……thing dancing through the trees, singing.

"I'm bringing sexy back, yeah…" A vast majority of the girls screamed as the remainder passed out or died of fright. "You are SOOO not!" A small one shouted.

"GET HIM!" They cried as a few hundred charged at him.

"I'm…bringin'…..sexy…..back…" He trailed off as he saw a wave rushing at him. "EEEE!" He squealed, turning to run a bit too late.

"YOU'RE BRINGING UGLY BACK IS WHAT YOU'RE DOING!"

The rest of the girls toward back the blond trying to hide in the tree. "JAZZYKINS!"

"Just. Go. Away." He spoke through clenched teeth, glaring down at the girl who was the ringleader of the group.

"NEVER!" The girl –whose name was Kat- stomped her foot indignantly. "We will not leave until we got what we came for!"

"And what," Jasper blinked. "Would that be?" Kat titled her head toward the ground giving Jasper a scowl-like look.

"Your soul." Jasper's eyes widened as he hissed softly, terrified. His eyes grew to saucer size as a horrifying snap sounded behind him.

"Have mercy!" He cried as he fell into the mosh pit style group.

DUN.

Whimpering, Edward whirled around, scanning the sea of fans behind him as he found himself corner. (Well, technically he wasn't cornered, seeing as he was up against a wall of the house, but if you were about to pee yourself out of fear, then…….actually, I forgot, nevermind.)

Panicked, he spun around, scared out of his wits. He flattened himself against the wall as hundreds of thousand of 'I Heart Edward Cullen' Fangirls fanned out around him, blocking his escape route.

"EDWARD! I LOVE YOU!" They all screamed at the terrified vampire, unseen tears of fear flowing down his face.

"Please….DON'T EAT ME!" One of the girls in the first row put her hands on her hips, glaring at him.

"EAT YOU?! Why the heck would I eat my future husband?!" At those words he froze, he beautiful pale face looked even paler.

"…………WHAT?!" He shrieked at her, his voice going up an octave.

"Nevermind that!" Someone else yelled, stepping in front of Edward. "GET HIM NOW! SAVE THE REST FOR LATER!"

"I don't even wanna now," He said as the girls leapt at him.

DUN.

(Back in the house)

"I CAN'T DO THIS I CAN'T DO THIS!" Rosalie screamed for the tenth time as Alice and Bella continued to dig through the closet, Esme paced nearby. "I CAN'T-" As she was cut off, Bella and Alice stopped digging, and looked up.

Esme had just slapped her oldest daughter across the face. Rosalie, Alice and Bella all stared at her in shock.

"ARE YOU MAD WOMAN?!" Esme adjusted the hat she had grabbed after ransacking Jasper's Civil War trunk –something no one was ever supposed to go near. "THIS. IS. A. WAR. No get your act together or so help me I'll send you out there by yourself!"

Rosalie just continued to stare at her mother.

"Am I clear?!"

"Sir yes sir!" She yelled, saluting her mother and backing away. Esme nodded, and walked back over to the window, and started telling some made up war story to the girls.

"It was the summer of '98, we were all trapped out in the cold desolate forest of Mars. For three days we ate nothing but rock soup. Many men died of the lack of oxygen…." Rosalie half-ran half-flew toward her sister(s).

"Is it too late to get a Jail Free Card out of this place? I almost peed myself when she threatened to bomb the house." Bella whispered to Alice, who was shaking her head.

"Just stay low and act like you know what you're doing."

"But I don't know what I'm doing!" Before Alice could open her mouth to retort, Esme spun around, brandishing a fully loaded rifle.

"But Jasper said not to-" Esme held to gun tightly, ready to fire, and narrowed her eyes at the door.

"LET'S DO THIS."

DUN.

(Back outside)

In the Cullens front yard, the Fangirls were having a field day nearly tearing their crushes limb-by-limb –literally.

Carlisle jumped toward his tree again, the low branch just out of his reach.

Emmett was busy trying to kick the girls, only for them to retaliate and jump at him again.

The only visible sign of Jasper was his arm waving feebly above the crowd of girls surrounding him, and soon his arm was swallowed.

Edward was no where to be seen, but the Fangirls keep pouncing on one another, attempting to dig through the others to get to the poor boy.

Amidst the shouts and screams a loud BANG was heard as Esme fired the shotgun up in the air.

This caused everyone to stop moving, and for the thousands of fans to turn and face the crazed vamp.

"Now that I have your attention…" She spoke sweetly, then yelled, "GET OFF MY LAWN YOU HOOLIGANS!" She fired a few more rounds into the air, and by the hundreds the girls took off, screaming.

"GIVE IT BACK!" Emmett yelled, hopping toward one of the girls in front of him. "Give me back my freakin' leg!"

"NEV-!" The girl began to shout before she was tackled by Emmett. He grabbed his leg back trying with all his might to stick it back on.

Standing next to Esme and observing all this, Bella looked faint, as if she might puke. Alice and Rosalie shook with fear beside her.

Still yelled incoherently, Esme kept firing into the air until her front lawn was clear of Fangirls.

"Emmett!" Rosalie screamed, running over to her husband as he reattached his leg. "Emmett!" She said again, collapsing on the ground next to him and showering him with kisses.

"Jasper?" Alice said, looking around for the poor blond. He lay on his back, not far from his tree, his clothes torn. A note with lipstick marks was laying on the ground next to him. "Oh Jasper!" She ran over to him, helping him up.

Esme blinked, and set down her shotgun, and ran over to her own husband. Carlisle hung upside down from a tree in a daze, muttering groggily. She kissed her his forehead, and pulled him down.

Bella stood alone, looking for her own boyfriend. "Edward?" She said feebly, shaking. "Edward…?"

A muffled reply came from a few yards away. She walked over to the pile of siding, shingles and other debris, searching for the boy.

A hand shot out from under it, grabbing her ankle. Stifling a cry, Bella bit her lip, looking down at the pile as the rest of Edward followed his hand out of the wreckage. Bella covered her mouth with her hands, startled.

Edward stood before her, shaking his head to get dust, dirt, and what not out of his hair. Bella smiled weakly before wrapping her arms around him.

"I thought we'd lost you for a minute there. You inside one minute, and the next…" She trailed off, taking in the battlefield that had been the Cullens front lawn. Edward smiled, kissing the top of her head.

"Don't worry about it Bella, it'll hurt our brains less." Bella 'hmph'd at him.

"Are you calling me-"

"No, no Bella! I didn't mean that!" He stammered apologetically. "I just meant that……no one knows how they got here…..or who they are." Bella rolled her eyes and just nodded.

"Fine then, let's go help Lieutenant Loony Tune with our fallen soldiers." Edward shrugged and followed Bella over the grouping of the other vampires. Alice was holding a shaking Jasper in her arms and rocking him back and forth.

"It's ok Jasper, Alice's here, it's ok." She repeated over and over to her poor husband.

"They….they wanted…my soul…." Alice nodded, shooting a smirking Edward a warning glance.

"Are they ok?" Bella whispered to Edward. "I mean they look pretty beat up…" Edward nodded slowly.

"You should've seen them last time."

"What do you mean last time?! It's happened before?!"

And now, a random conversation between the Cullen family discussing this chapter...

Jasper: My soul……they wanted to steal…

Alice: -holds Jasper-It's ok Jazzy, Alice is here, everything's ok.

Emmett: Rosy! My leg! It's backwards!

Rosalie: -rolls eyes- Not again… -bends over to help Emmett fix his leg-

Carlisle: Evil evil evil evil EVIL!

-everyone gives Carlisle a blank stare-

Carlisle: Well they were.

Edward: They tried to eat me. Eat me.

Bella: Oh Edward. –hugs Edward tightly-

Esme: -holds shotgun- THIS. IS. WAR.

Carlisle: -blinks- Esme dear, the war's over.

Esme: NO IT AIN'T! WE AIN'T DONE GOT STARTED!

-everyone takes a step back, wide eyed-

Carlisle: Esme, put down the gun.

Jasper: -gets up- Hey! That's mine! I told you not to-

Esme: -shoots Jasper-

Jasper: What the h-e-double toothpicks did you do that for?!

Esme: -screams like a banshee- DIE! TRAITOR! –shoots Jasper again-

Esme: -glares at the author- YOU! IT'S YOUR FAULT!

Author: Wha-?

Esme: -shoots at author-

Author: IIEE! HIT THE DECK! –flattens self on floor-

Carlisle: Esme….calm down now. –hugs Esme-

Esme: -smiles, close eyes and drops gun-

Jasper: -lunges to catch gun- Got- -gun goes off in his face- It. Ow.

Alice: -smiles and hugs Jasper-

Rosalie: -hugs Emmett-

Bella: -hugs Edward-

Author: Aw, such a loving hippie fest...

(Ah I loved the whole 'This is war!' Esme during the story… hehe…)

Thank you.