A/n: ah ye of little faith! All will be duly explained without the need of bodily harm. Stay tuned for the next developments.

Chapter 34: OH CRAP!

Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold. Zelda Fitzgerald

Regardless of what people today may say, sex and love rarely can be successfully disassociated. Those who restlessly pursue one night stands are usually maimed psychologically and neurologically because the act of sex in itself releases powerful chemicals in the brain to ensure the psychological attachment between the two individuals involved.

If the mechanical act occurs but no psychological attachment happens, some kind of loss will undoubtedly happen in both parties involved.

Attraction might be hormonal but affection, ahh, that's the tricky one that usually breaks the legs of us poor mortals.

That's also one of the reasons why you can't say that you are totally over an old lover after a recent breakup: once you were in a loving committed relationship and it ends, regardless of the reason why you grew apart, you will have a hard time falling out of love as somewhere your brain had been programmed to enjoy that person's company.

That's why break ups suck in general. Big time.

Sometimes, you will never be able to completely leave him/her behind. You might learn how to forgive... but forgetting is another matter entirely different. The memory will forever be there, a hidden part of you, ready to haunt you whenever your barriers are weakened and your unconscious reigning free.

So when Joy and Spencer kissed, it was like the years had suddenly melted away and they were again young, silly and in love, sneaking behind the Quantico building for a make out session hidden from the ever present eye of their supervisors, or the all-knowing eyes of Gideon. They momentarily forgot how they hurt each other, shouted at each other and how, in the end, their immaturity led them apart.

Joy sighed as felt him molding her closer to his body, soft lips moving with a familiarity that brought shivers down to her spine, her arms slowly going up to wrap around his neck.

He let go of her lips and glided to deposit soft kisses on her neck, his laborious breathing resounding in the silence as he bit her neck, bringing a moan out of her.

"Ah Timothy..." Joy gasped and arched her torso, feeling a familiar fire burning in her chest. She frowned when he stopped his ministrations and lifted his head.

"Joy?" Spencer asked, looking at her with a light hurt in his eyes.

"Spencer? Ah God..." Horrified, she jumped out of his arms and took a step back, gluing her back to the door, staring at him with huge eyes at the enormity of the mistake both had just committed.

"Ah... crap … I'm sorry. I'm..." Reid blushed and stared at her mortified of what had transpired between them, starting a litany of half whispered apologies.

Joy closed her eyes, feeling her body still singing thanks to his ministrations and self loathing inundated her mind, also aware that the same loathing was filling his mind.

"Stop, Spencer!" She hissed, trying to stop his string of apologies.

He kept apologizing, his gaze firmly on the floor as he hugged himself tightly, his arms wrapped around his middle, looking like a little boy lost and bringing a new wave of guilt to her heart.

"Don't apologize. It's a sign of weakness." Joy said, finally getting his attention.

Both stayed in silence, looking at the floor, unsure of what they should say.

"I've thought it was the other way around. You have to apologize to show strength."

"Sometimes it's true. But not here. Not now."

"I see." He lowered his chin to his chest, staring to the floor. "I was envious, you know. Of him. Going to your wedding was... very hard to me."

Joy's heart clenched at his heartfelt confession, aware of how fragile he was to express his longing even after so many years.

"I know. But you have to understand that I'm married now, Spencer. And I love my husband. I love him very much."

She felt her eyes filling with tears... "And I still kind of love you. Deep down I still have feelings for you. But our time is long gone. We were good together and at the same time so wrong for each other. And you deserve someone who will love you unconditionally, with no reservations, just the way you are."

She allowed herself some tears, seeing him looking at her with that adorable puppy look that he had, but she had to finish this. There should be no doubt in his mind that whatever they've had was dead and buried.

"But that person isn't me. It has never been me."

"You didn't know that back then."

"We were children desperate for affection. And for a little while we found it in each others' arms. But we were never meant to be."

"What I've felt was real. Don't try to tell me that what I've felt wasn't real."

"We were children, Spencer. It was bound to end badly if we continued together."

"You couldn't know that."

"Gideon knew."

"What?" That revelation made him look at her surprised at her declaration.

He took a step back and felt a shiver as he saw her guilty expression, looking at him in tears.

"I... left you because Gideon told me to."

He frowned at that information. "What are you talking about?"

"He said... that you needed to grow up in your own time and that I was... holding you back."

"He told you... he told you to leave me?" Reid's voice was almost a whisper at the last words, refusing to believe what she was telling her.

"He said... we were too similar to be good to each other. That the only reason I … accepted you was because I considered you harmless. And that wasn't fair to you."

"That is... a lie. He was wrong and …"

"He was right, Spencer. He knew me. He knew my past and he accused me of using you. It wasn't fair to you and it was extremely wrong on my part. The only reason why I sought you out then... was because you couldn't... wouldn't physically hurt me. Even if you tried, I could overpower you. And Gideon saw that and told me that I was … wrong of using you that way. You had your own demons to vanquish and I had no right of burdening you with mine."

Spencer took a step back, showing all his astonishment and hurt in his eyes.

"I considered his words for a long time and I realized that... He was right. So I lied and left because I didn't want to be there when you met someone … better than me."

"Joy."

He took a step towards her, but she stopped him with a hand up.

"Gideon knew it all along. And he knew me. So I left."

"Joy..."

"No, Spencer. Good night."

Reid looked at her with sadness, burdened with whatif's and a past shared.

"Good night."

She threw a saddened look towards him before turning to the door, opening and going inside, softly closing it after herself.