Chapter 37 :

Punishment :

About a month later Jane and Janie were finally almost fully recovered. Right after the wedding both Jane and Janie were discharged and after spending their wedding night in the honey moon suite of the Plaza Jane and Maura went home eager to start their new married life together. For the next month Maura took care of her girls, cooking for them, making sure they took their pills and that they stayed in bed as much as possible. Janie who was now a little over 5 years old surprised her mothers by her strength and courage and by never complaining about the pain or having to take a dozen pills every day. Obviously such a treatment and recovery weren't easy for the little girl whose only interest in life was to go to school and be able to play with her family and friends. Luckily knowing that her mommy was in the same situation somehow helped her overcome this terrible situation. Actually recovering at the same time brought Jane and her daughter closer than ever. It was the perfect opportunity for them to tighten their already strong bond by spending more time together. Maura on the other hand was still refusing to talk about what happened and would just push Jane away when she tried to bring up the subject. No matter how much Janie loved her Maura still failed as a failure for not being a match and was trying to compensate by taking care of her, making sure she recovered fully without any complications, ignoring her own pain.

Today marked Maura and Jane first month wedding anniversary. In order to spend the evening with her wife Jane asked Constance who still feel extremely guilty about the accident to take Janie with her for a sleep over.

Around 6 pm after Constance left with Janie, who was over excited to spend the night alone with her nana, Jane joined Maura in their bedroom and found her laying on their bed in fetal position.

"Oh Maura, don't be sad, I'm sure she's going to have a blast with your mother." Jane said climbing in bed snaking her arms around her.

"I know, I'm just not sure she's ready for a sleep over yet. She's still so fragile." Maura sighed heart broken to be away from her little girl for the first time since their wedding night.

"No she's not, it's been two months Maura. We both followed the Doctor's orders and she's not showing any sign of rejection. She's going to be just fine both psychologically and physically alright?" Looking down at her wife Jane could see how exhausted she was. For the past two months Maura regulated her life around them ignoring her own pain or her own needs and the fatigue was starting to show. She had lost weight, looked constantly tired and her eyes were empty of any emotions.

"I know but she's still my little girl, I can't help worrying for her, but I have to admit she made a quick recovery, probably because you were recovering at the same time."

"I guess seeing me in the same situation made her feel less alone."

" I think so...Gosh, I don't know what we would have done without you."

"Hey, Maura look at me, she's fine now, and so am I, so how about we put this behind us and focus on our future? I can't believe that we're actually married." Laying in bed her arms snaked around her wife, Jane couldn't help but fixating on their wedding bands, symbol of their eternal love and commitment.

"Me neither, I can't tell you for how long I have been dreaming about this. I feel we lost so much time you know..." Maura replied resting her head on Jane's belly, her legs snaked around her.

"I know but we have the rest of her life to make up for it alright?" Holding Maura against her, passing her hand through her hair Jane couldn't help but feeling that even after getting married Maura was still punishing herself and was still blaming herself for making Jane miserable and she was running out of ideas to prove to her that she had forgiven her.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Do you even feel there's anything missing in your life?"

"Let me see, I'm married to the woman I have been in love with for the past 10 years, we have a beautiful daughter together, I have family and friends that support us and I have a great job not to mention we live in a gorgeous house. I have everything a human being could dream about. Do you feel that there is anything missing?"

"Well…I would really love to give you another child Jane." Maura said rising her head waiting for Jane's reaction.

"Are…are you sure about this?"Jane always knew that at some point in the future Maura and her were going to discuss having another child but she never thought this day would come so fast and she wasn't prepared for it.

"Yes. I want us to give a little brother or sister to Janie."

"I think she's going to be a great big sister."

"I know, very protective and caring just like you..."

"I hope so. Well If you're sure, we could start looking into adoption as soon I'm declared fit for duty again, God knows I'm going to need energy..." Jane joked already picturing herself holding their baby.

"I'm not talking about adoption Jane, I'm talking about giving a child that I would carry myself."

"Why is this so important to you?"

"Because I took this experience away from you, you'll never be able to tell Janie how you discovered I was pregnant or how you felt when you found out she was a girl or the day she was born. I know you love her as much but...I just... I want you to be there when I take the pregnancy test and for every single ultrasound . I want you to caress my belly and feel our baby kick and to cut the cord when he or she is born . I just want to give you all that, I want us to share that experience together."

"I understand, and trust me I would love nothing more than to experience all that with you, but you said that you couldn't have any more children?"

"I know, the Doctors told me that I even if my ovulation cycles have became irregular I was still perfectly fertile but that they didn't believe my uterus was strong enough to allow me carry a pregnancy to term because of the damaged caused during the birth."

"Then, what are you suggesting?"

"We should consult other specialists, it's been 5 years, my uterus had time to heal and medicine had made so much progress over the past few years. I know it's a long shot but I really want us to try."

"Okay, if that's what you want, I'll support you."

"Are you sure?It won't be easy Jane. We may have to try several time, it might be both physically and emotionally painful."

"I know and I would rather not having to put you through this I will do everything I can to help and support you if that's what you want. I love you and I would love nothing more than making another little Rizzoli with you."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

That night Maura and Jane celebrated their anniversary by staying home, cuddling and watching old movies in bed. Jane couldn't help but being spit in two regarding Maura's desire. On one hand she was delighted to have another child and to be there for Maura during every step of her pregnancy, but on the other hand she was worried. Jane didn't have a medical degree but she had an small idea of the damaged caused to her uterus during Janie's birth and she couldn't help but being pessimistic regarding Maura's ability to get pregnant again. Obviously she knew how important this was for Maura and couldn't share her doubts with her. She knew how much of a failure Maura felt and she was hoping that having another child would help her to finally recover from everything bad that had happen. Unfortunately Jane was also worried for her wife's safety, she knew that even if Maura was still fertile carrying the pregnancy to term would be the hardest part, that she might miscarry several times before succeeding, risking her life every time, and she didn't even want to imagine her going through that kind of pain.

About a week later Maura booked an appointment with her obygn who also happened to have a fellowship in Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility.

Sitting in front of her desk, waiting Jane and Maura started to remember the last time they were here : it was when Maura was still in pain from her C section making it impossible for them to make love. Luckily for them Dr Lowell had helped them and Maura was now about to enjoy her sexual life as fully as she did before the C Section.

"I'm sorry for being late, again. How are we today?" Dr Lowell said sitting behind her desk.

"We're good. Thank you for the flowers and the stuffed bear, Janie loves it." Jane replied holding Maura's hand tight.

"I'm glad she did. I was sorry to hear about the accident, are you both fully recovered now?"

"Yes, well my scar hurts a bit when I laugh but other than that, we're perfectly fine actually we just celebrated our first month anniversary."

"Congratulations, after all you've been through you deserve your happy ending."

"About that Doctor, Jane and I talked about it and we would like to have another child and I would like to carry it." Maura said squeezing Jane's hand.

"Alright. Well from what I read in your medical file, my colleague who followed you in New-York believed that carrying a pregnancy to term was very unlikely and I tend to agree with her assessment."

"Unlikely but not impossible…" Looking straight into her colleague's eyes showing her determination Maura wanted to make it clear that nothing would stop her, not even the unlikely.

"No, getting pregnant shouldn't be a problem, but if I remember your last exam correctly, even if your uterus had time to heal over the past 5 years,it's still damaged I doubt that it's strong enough to hold a baby.I'm very sorry Maura."

"What would she have to do to to make it happen?" Jane asked unwilling to give up that easily.

"Maura would have to stay on bed rest for the entire duration of the pregnancy and even with all those precautions there is still a 85% chance that Maura will miscarry during the first trimester, damaging her uterus even further." Dr Lowell said trying to be as professional as possible but also as human as possible.

"15% chance is better then nothing. I think we're going to take that chance." Maura replied looking at Jane for approval.

"Maura, baby, I understand how important having another child is for you and I'm willing to do everything I can to give you that but I won't risk your life . I just got you back I won't loose again. "Jane said caressing Maura's hand.

"You don't understand." Maura replied rising her voice pulling her hand.

"Yes I do. You feel that you took that experience away from me, that because of you I missed Janie's birth and the first 4 years of her life, but it doesn't matter anymore. We have a beautiful girl who I love as much as if I had been there with you during your pregnancy. If you really want another child, we can adopt or use a surrogate, hell I'll carry it myself if you want, but I am not putting you at risk." Jane said trying to make her wife look at her, trying to be as diplomatic as possible, knowing that beinf rude with her would only push her in a corner.

"Sometimes I wonder why I even came back." Maura muttered grabbing her bag before walking towards the door without even looking back.

"Maura…" Standing up in the middle of Dr Lowell's office Jane wanted to collapse on the floor. After all they have been through, after getting married and almost loosing their daughter they were still going to have to go through something painful and she didn't know if she had it in her to survive it this time.

"I'm sorry Jane. I know some OBGYN who enjoy challenging themselves, but I think about my patient first and this is really not a good idea."

"I know I just…no matter what I do, no matter how good things are she's never gonna get over this feeling of being a failure ."

"She will, but it's going take time. What ever you decide I will be happy to help you."

"Well in the mean time I better call a cab, cause I'm quite sure she left without me." Jane joked trying to keep her courageous face on.

About half an hour later Jane was finally home and was surprised to see Maura's car parked in their drive way.

"Maura, where are you?" Jane yelled entering the house trying to find the best words to apologize and to once again try to reassure her.

Not receiving any replies from Maura Jane searched the entire house without being able to find her, until she saw light in the bathroom.

"Maura, I don't care if your naked in there I'm coming in." Jane said after spending ten minutes talking to the door trying to convince her to open it.

When Jane finally stepped into the bathroom she immediately found Maura on the floor, a razor blade in her hand, cuts marks on her fore arms and blood everywhere.

"Oh God…"Jane let out as she immediately grabbed a towel and kneeled in front of her wife before wrapping the towel around her arm trying to stop the bleeding.

"I'm so sorry."Maura sobbed rushing in Jane's arms, dropping the blade on the floor.

"Don't apologize baby, you didn't do anything wrong. I'm gonna take care of you now. I promise." Jane whispered kissing her forehead pressing the towel harder on the wounds.

Examining the wounds on Maura's arms Jane could see that they weren't deep enough to indicate Maura was trying to kill herself. Holding her wife in her arms Jane remembered the day when she found out about Maura's cutting habits. She remembered seeing the scars and finally realizing that Maura had suffered too when they were appart, she also remembered promising herself to do everything in her power to make sure Maura never feels the needs to cut herself like that ever again. A year after Maura came back Jane thought that she had put this behind her and was happy enough now not to feel the urge to punish herself like that. Unfortunately it seems that despite of all the good things that had happened to her Maura was still punishing herself and she wasn't sure how to help her this time.

So guys, see a new update only a week after the last one!So yes Maura is cutting herself again. I know it's not like her , but this is fiction. When I wrote that part of her personality I always knew that it would come back at some point. I think we can all understand how she feels right?

I'm sad to say that this "issue" will be the last and once it's resolved I will end the story. I know you guys enjoy it very much but the lack of inspiration shows that this story has ran its course...Don't worry I still have a few chapters in me :) and you re going to have the ending you deserve!

In the mean time please give me your two cents on this terrible chapter!