Gyah. I update too often. I'll use up all of my ideas.

HetaHazard updated and they were talking about clocks.

...

KALMAR WAR 1611-1613

Around this time,
- England and the Dutch Republic were caught up in the Dutch-Portuguese War (1602–1663)
- the Tartars were harassing the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth
and
- The House of Romanov was established in Russia, ending the Time of Troubles

Oh, and in 1618, the Manchus started invading China.

BACKGROUND OF THE WAR:

Since Denmark–Norway controlled the strait between the Baltic Sea and the North Sea, Sweden wanted an alternative trade route through Lapland to avoid paying Denmark's Sound Dues.

In 1607, Charles IX of Sweden declared himself "King of the Lapps in Nordland" and began "collecting" taxes in Norwegian territory, even south of Tromsø (good going, Charles! Now detect that unsubtle hint of sarcasm!)

Of course,

To: Berwald Oxenstierna
From: Matthias Køhler

FANDENS! I PROTEST! THOSE SOUND DUES ARE MY MAIN SOURCE OF INCOME! NOT NICE! NOT NICE AT ALL!

- DENMARK

To: Matthias Køhler
From: Berwald Oxenstierna

*Ignores*

– Sweden

To: Berwald Oxenstierna
From: Matthias Køhler

What kind of reply is that? !

Denmark

To: Berwald Oxenstierna
From: Lukas Bondevik

Dear Sweden,

You are annoying. As Denmark.

– Norway

So friendly old Charles ignored the protests of King Christian IV of Denmark and Norway. Eventually, in April 1611, Denmark declared war on Sweden and invaded them in response to mean old Sweden's claim of a traditionally Dano-Norwegian area in Northern Norway.

Honestly, Christian had wanted to declare war on Sweden for a while now, he just couldn't find a good reason.

To: Lukas Bondevik
From: Matthias Køhler

Okay, so here's the plan, I attack Sweden from Kristianopel toward Kalmar and Halmstad towards Jönköping, and you can attack Älvsborg and go into Västergötland.
I'll go and besiege Kalmar now, but you wait at the border and stay out of Sweden for the time being.
Okay?

– Denmark

To: Matthias Køhler
From: Lukas Bondevik

Oh. Okay.

Norway

Sometime during the summer of 1611

To: Berwald Oxenstierna
From: Charles IX

So, how are Norwegian Jämtland and Härjedalen going?

- King Charles IX of Sweden

To: Charles IX
From: Berwald Oxenstierna

At first we did manage to conquer both of them easily. But that incompetent ass Baltzar Bäck (who was supposedto be our leader) managed to cause the locals to rise up.

Sweden

Then King Charlie kicked the bucket on October 30, 1611.

He was succeeded by his son, Gustavus Adolphus. Yep. The Golden King, or The Lion of the North.
On accession, Gustavus Adolphus sued for peace, but Christian IV, seeing opportunities for larger victories and just about ignored him.

By the way, the Swedes got kicked out of Jämtland and Härjedalen in 1612.

1612

To: Berwald Oxenstierna
From: Matthias Køhler

HA! Big setback, huh? You just lost Älvsborg and Gullberg! [Both in present-day Gothenburg]Look at poor Sve! "Oh no! Now I don't have access to the sea in the west! Oh no!" HAHAHAHA!

– Denmark

To: Matthias Køhler
From: Berwald Oxenstierna

You ought to go stick your head into a cannon.

– Sweden

To: Berwald Oxenstierna
From: Matthias Køhler

Wait. What are you, psychic? Norway said the exactsame thing this morning! SVE'S TURNING INTO A LOONY LIKE THOSE THAT CREEPY ARMADA-SMASHING GUY! OH NO! !

Denmark

To: Matthias Køhler
From: Berwald Oxenstierna

Nej. I am not. Now get away from Stockholm!

– Sweden

Having achieved considerable success, the Danish command aimed to end the war as soon as possible and so ordered attack deep in Sweden, toward Stockholm.

This failed though, because of guerilla warfare and scorched earth methods (good going, Sweden).

To: Berwald Oxenstierna
From: Matthias Køhler

Aw. You're no fun.

Denmark

To: Matthias Køhler
From: Berwald Oxenstierna

All I did was prevent you from getting to my capital. How is your conquering of my capital supposed to be fun, may I ask.

Sweden

To: Berwald Oxenstierna
From: Matthias Køhler

Well, for one thing, the drinks would be on you then!

– Denmark

To: Matthias Køhler
From: Berwald Oxenstierna

You are an idiot.

Sweden

PS.: Now that I think of it, I did find a dusty old brain in a cupboard last time I visited you.

To: Christian IV
From: Matthias Køhler

Psst. I think Sweden's psychic! That's terrible! It's like he knows exactly what Norway tells me every day!

Denmark

To: Matthias Køhler
From: Christian IV

If we were talking face to face, I'd be sighing. Here, take a look at this.

King Christian IV of Denmark

[Forwarded Message]
[To: Berwald Oxenstierna From Lukas Bondevik]

To Sweden,
You know, I just found this dusty old half-rotted brain in a cupboard at Denmark's house. You really ought to come and see it. I think it's Denmark's.

– Norway

To: Lukas Bondevik
From: Matthias Køhler

Oh come on now, Norway, that was plain mean! Really not nice!

Denmark

To: Matthias Køhler
From: Lukas Bondevik

I have no idea what you are talking about, idiot.

Norway

The war ended in 1613, with the Peace of (dammit! Another accent thing) Knäred.

Something of a note: While all this was going on, England and the Dutch republic also invested in Baltic Sea trade, and wanted to curtail Denmark's power by ending the war before a decisive victory ([sighs], England, England, England...).

The Danes (on low funds) finally gave in to those two in 1613, and the Treaty of Knäred was signed on January 20, 1613, with England's intercession.
Finnmark went to Denmark and Älvsborg was ransomed back to Sweden (Finnmark is now the northernmost part of Norway).

AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

I finally did one on the Nordics (sort of, since Finland was part of Sweden at the time and Iceland belonged to Norway). And it even has the word "Kalmar" in it! - Suggestion from 21 chapters ago, by AnonymousSanSama...

The accent thingamajigs drove me crazy...

Yeah, I know this part has less content (sorry). I was going to do the Torstenson War, but you see I had this terrible bout of laziness...

Eh. Let's do a few current events.

To: [Syria]

From: Sadiq Adnan

You be careful, you little guy! You'd better not provoke me any more!

Turkey

To: Sadiq Adnan

From: [Syria]

My arms are fighting each other! Why in heaven's name would I want to provoke you? !

Syria

IN ANOTHER PART OF THE WORLD

To: Alfred F. Jones

From: Arthur Kirkland

Dear America,

Sorry if I'm bothering you (no, I'm not really sorry). I just need to clarify something with you: in that first Romney/Obama debate a few days ago, that was Obama on stage, right? Not you in disguise as him?

- England

Meh. Comment?