Where true Love burns Desire is Love's pure flame;
It is the reflex of our earthly frame,
That takes its meaning from the nobler part,
And but translates the language of the heart.
[„Desire" by Samuel Taylor Coleridge]
It'd been a week since they celebrated her birthday in their own little sanctuary, hidden from the world and the busy life in London. They had tended to each others needs and recharged their batteries, returning home feeling relaxed and calm.
It hadn't been long but it had been more than enough to allow them to catch their breaths after mourning the death of Dana's child, slowly regaining the strength they would need for whatever was to come.
Stella had agreed to celebrate her birthday with a little dinner at home, still not knowing what to expect. It wasn't one of the things she had ever done before, thinking that she didn't have friends or that it didn't matter. She had thought about it in the silent confines of their car while she was driving back to London with Dana fast asleep beside her.
She had never made a fuzz about it because she had meant to avoid disappointment, trying to protect herself from any kind of harm that threatened to throw her off. Maybe she was coming to a point where it didn't matter how many friends she had to invite to her birthday dinner as long as she was surrounded by the right kind of people, those that made her feel better about herself and helped chase away the shadows that tried to make her feel bad about herself and the world.
Stella looked around the living room, noticing that not much had changed.
Since when? She thought.
Changed since she had let Dana into her life or since they had returned from vacation?
They had prepared food for tonight, the fridge was filled with wine and it was probably everything they needed. She wished that she didn't feel so nervous; it unsettled her that she did. There was nothing to worry about and Stella wished that her mind wouldn't try to tell her otherwise. She had handled far worse situations more gracefully before, never allowing anything or anyone to throw her off like that but somehow this felt different.
She was moving in more personal spheres now, opening up something that she had guarded for so many years, gently peeling off layers of protection every time she tried something new.
Stella knew that the reason for that was Dana. It was hard to believe that only a year had passed by now because it already seemed to be so much longer. She had never imagined anything like this being remotely possible but it also terrified her that it already felt so natural and familiar because it wasn't something she was used to.
She put her wine glass down and walked to the drawer where she kept her secret not-so-secret stash of dark chocolate, knowing that Dana would never look for anything in there.
She listened carefully, making sure that she was still busy with her makeup before she opened the drawer and reached for a small jewelry box hidden in the back of it. She had recently kept it in the back of her bedside drawer, thinking that it wasn't such a smart hideout. She had felt nervous, looking for another place to keep it until she finally found something that she was satisfied with.
Stella wasn't quite the romantic type, or so she thought, and they both knew that but she still wanted to get it right. For the first time in her life Stella thought that this was the one thing she couldn't screw up.
She looked over her shoulder, making sure that she was still on her own before she opened the small box, her finger skimming over the cool surface of the engagement ring. She still remembered going to Tiffany's after work one day, feeling slightly intimidated by the decadence surrounding her. She had never actually used any of the money that she owned and the thought of keeping a small fortune in form of a beautiful ring in the drawer felt a little over the top. She had almost bailed out when she felt overwhelmed and most certainly out of place but in the end she had found the perfect ring for Dana. It was beautiful, a plain silver ring with a sparkling diamond at its center. There was a corresponding wedding ring, decorated with the same small diamonds, that created a perfect match and she couldn't wait to see Dana wearing it. If only she'd be brave enough to ask.
Not being with her was something that she couldn't wrap her head around. She had made a decision a while ago, trying to figure out the right moment; it drove her crazy but she didn't want it to go wrong.
Stella had always been strong, dealing with whatever life had thrown at her in her very own way but she thought that she wouldn't be able to deal with being turned down by Dana so it had to wait a little longer.
She sighed with that wistful feeling in her chest and closed the box, hiding it when she heard steps behind her.
„Is everything okay?" Scully asked, looking as beautiful as ever.
„Yes," Stella said, stepping away from the drawer.
Scully reached for her, slowly kissing Stella. It would be one of the last intimate moments for tonight; the quiet before the storm.
„It's going to be fine," Scully said and smiled. „I'll be here all night."
„Thank you," Stella said, eventually feeling a little calmer.
She pushed the doubts away, not wanting to think of the unspoken proposal while she tried to relax and enjoy herself. She refilled her wine glass and leaned against the counter.
„You want some?" Stella asked, offering Dana a bowl of nachos.
„I'd rather have dinner soon."
„I'm starving," Stella said and laughed.
„I can see that," she replied. „Charlie said he'll drop by later, he texted saying that he would make it after all."
„That's great," Stella said with a smile on her face. She had first met him at Dana's party back in February, knowing that this was also the last time she had seen her brother after being reunited with him after decades.
„Oh, Dany is coming over too," Stella said sipped some of her wine.
„Belfast-Dany?"
„Yes," Stella said. „I saw her at the office this morning. Apparently they've sent her to London to work on a case and she dropped by. I asked her if she'd like to come over tonight, thought it'd be nice."
„Well, there's enough food for ten people."
„Oh God, please don't tell me there'll be that many…"
Scully laughed.
„Just the six of us," she said. „That should be enough."
„Yes," Stella said and took a deep breath.
A part of her was still nervous but maybe it would pass with time. Before she had a chance to dwell on any negative thoughts the doorbell rang, announcing their first guests for the night.
***
„You look wonderful," Charlie said, hugging his sister when he walked in an hour later. „It's great to see you again."
„Thank you," she said and smiled.
„It seems like a lot has changed since your birthday party," he said and couldn't help but smile when he remembered what had happened once they had gone to sleep - or so they thought.
„Stop it," she said, playfully hitting his arm.
„I wanna hear everything," he said before he ignored her to wander off and find Stella.
Irene was in the kitchen already with her and Elizabeth arrived shortly after, greeting her as warm-hearted as ever. It felt like an eternity of not having seen her dear friend and Scully found herself indulging in the gentle warmth that she seemed to exude, hugging her tightly.
***
„You look so… fucking radiant," Irene said and leaned against the counter; Stella rolled her eyes when she opened the fridge. „Compared to the last time I saw you, you were quite miserable back then."
„Thank you," Stella said and poured her a glass of wine.
„I'm serious," Irene said. „Everything okay?"
„Yes," Stella said honestly. „It's been good to get away."
„How's Dana doing? You know… after everything that happened."
„It still hurts but that's okay. It'll take time," Stella said.
„I can imagine… I can't believe she got you to agree with this," Irene said and pointed towards the living room and the food.
„Why couldn't it have been my idea?"
„Oh come on," Irene said and laughed.
„Right," Stella agreed and stood beside her friend."I thought it might not be such a bad idea after all."
„It isn't," Irene said and tried her wine. „Didn't we agree on trying to do something a little… more decent every once in a while?"
„It's so different from getting trashed and fucking around with a stranger."
„Tell me about it," Irene said though they both knew that Irene's clients, as she liked to call them, were always a bit more peculiar. „It feels so grown up, doesn't it?"
Stella laughed.
„That's lovely," Irene said, reaching for the golden necklace that hung around Stella's neck.
„It's my gift," Stella said softly; it still touched her deeply every time she saw the golden letter in her reflection. For a brief moment she thought about mentioning the other gift but decided that it wasn't something to be shared tonight though Irene would probably be utterly delighted by it.
„Very thoughtful," Irene said and put it back in place. „So simple and yet so meaningful. She really loves you."
„Yes," Stella said and put her glass down.
For a brief moment she wondered whether this was true, what if she just answered the question for herself and not for Dana? While the most reasonable part of her tried to ignore that voice, she found herself giving in to the doubts that constantly rooted within her.
She was still trying to figure out how to bring up the engagement ring when Scully's brother Charlie walked in with a smile on his face that she had seen many times before.
„It's been forever," Liz said. „How have you been?"
She knew about William and what had happened but from the looks of it the vacation had served them both pretty well; she looked slightly tanned with darker freckles on her face. She was almost radiating and maybe she was finally learning how to be truly happy again.
„It's been wonderful to get away," Scully said, leading her to the kitchen to get something to drink. „But it's always nice to come home."
„I get that," Liz said and smiled when she saw Stella. „Stella my dear, happy belated birthday," she said, leaving her in no position to stop her when Liz pulled her in for the same gentle hug that she had greeted Scully with.
„Thank you," Stella said, smiling. „I'm glad you could make it."
„How about a drink?" Scully asked, thinking that she could use one herself and the kitchen was getting too crowded for her liking. „And then we'll take it to the living room."
About an hour later they were all settled in and comfortably gathered around their small coffee table. There was no dining table because they liked to eat in the kitchen and it was usually just the two of them.
***
„Dany," Stella said with a smile on her face after opening the door. „I'm glad you could make it."
„Thanks," Dany said and smiled, feeling mildly relieved when Stella hugged her, making that decision for her. She had already dreaded that moment, wondering what to do before she actually rang the doorbell. She'd lie saying she wasn't surprised at how different Stella appeared to be; there was something gentler about her.
„Come in," Stella urged her and smiled warmly. „You already know Dana," Stella said and pointed to the redhead standing not far from them and one by one she introduced her to all the other guests; she slowly found herself relaxing a little.
Dany seemed to be enjoying herself after the initial embarrassing moments. Scully tried to imagine what it must feel like to be at her former boss' place, celebrating her birthday. She could have refused but instead decided to take Stella up on the offer, knowing what she was getting herself into. She looked happy and Scully was glad that she had decided to come over because she had somehow taken to her since they had met in Belfast.
Stella leaned back, feeling more relaxed than she had before. She was sure that the wine helped a little. It wasn't as bad as she had expected it to be but the uncertainty hadn't faded one bit, it was still lingering within her.
Scully watched them all closely, thinking that it had been the right thing to do but she couldn't help herself, always keeping an eye on Stella because making her feel good was her very first priority tonight.
She watched Charlie talking to Irene, fighting a sudden urge to keep them away from each but then she thought that he was old enough to fight his own battles and Irene seemed a little more at ease than Scully had thought she would. She wasn't quite sure what she had expected to happen, reminding herself that she didn't know Irene too well after all. Maybe this was the first time she was meeting the real Irene Adler and it was someone she would most certainly get along with.
„I'm gonna get some more wine," Scully said and pushed herself up, reaching for the empty bottle on the table.
„Let me help you with that," Charlie said, following her without another word.
„You can take some of that to the living room," she told her brother when he inspected the plates with finger food.
„In a minute," he said and sat down, putting his elbows on the counter. „But now I wanna hear everything," he said and smiled at her.
For an instant Scully felt a dull pain in her chest, her heart aching when she remembered that she had never told her brother that her son had died let alone that she had been pregnant almost two decades ago. She was certain that her mother must have mentioned it during one of their rare phone calls but that was not what he had been asking for so she took a deep breath and collected herself.
„Last time I saw you, you were living in Oxford with Mulder, having sex with Stella while he was asleep downstairs and now we're here."
„How subtle."
Scully couldn't help but laugh, biting her lip when she realized how terrible it actually sounded but then Charlie was serious again.
„No really," he said. „What happened?"
„It wouldn't have worked out any longer," Scully said with a touch of inexplicable guilt and sadness. „It ended a long time ago, it wouldn't have been right to try to hold on to it."
„As painful as it is I guess it was the right thing to do," he said although he knew almost nothing about their relationship. He had learned that much back in February and it seemed nothing compared to what he was witnessing tonight.
„It was a bit ugly at first," Scully explained and decided to leave their last unceremonious quickie out of it. „Long story short, we argued and I was frustrated and then I just snapped and it was over."
„Did you ever talk to him again?"
„Yes," Scully said. „I went back to get my things so I had to and I wanted to. We've been together for so long, I didn't want to cut him out of my life like that. We talked about it, we still do every other day and it's slowly starting to feel normal again… as normal as things get."
„It was the right thing to do," Charlie repeated. „I meant what I said earlier. You look wonderful, you look a lot happier than you appeared earlier this year. Stella is a great woman and she seems to be treating you well."
„Thank you," Scully said softly, trying not to get emotional. „Yes, she does. I'm not sure how much you know about Mulder and me and I know that Bill never liked him but he didn't treat my badly either. It wasn't always perfect and I ended if for a reason but it wasn't all bad. Somehow it still hurts that I don't see him every day, it's been twenty-five years."
„I understand," he said, somehow learning more about his eldest sister every time he met her, wishing that they saw each other more often.
He had nothing remotely comparable in his life but he could imagine how hard it must be to step away from something that has been in your life for so many years. He had chosen to turn away from his family, including Dana although he had always looked up to her, for his very own reasons.
„Will you take this?" she said and handed him the bottle of wine, then she turned to the fridge and took out a small chocolate cake, hidden in a plain white box. She had bought it around noon, thinking that it would be nice to have a bit of cake, wondering whether Stella had seen it already.
„I need something sweet now," she said while Charlie watched her putting the cake on a plate, decorating it with a single candle.
„Sounds good."
She lit the candle, regarded the whole arrangement and picked it up when she seemed satisfied with what she saw and together they carried it to the living room where everyone else was waiting already.
„Oh, cake," Irene said when she saw it, seeming very cheerful all of a sudden. „Does that mean we get to sing ‚Happy Birthday' now?"
She knew that Stella would hate it but she couldn't resist teasing her a little.
„Oh God no," Stella said and laughed. „Please don't."
She tried to play it cool but deep inside she was cringing at that thought; there was only so much attention she would be able to bear tonight.
„No one will," Scully said with a certain determination, before anyone else had a chance to get into mischief, and put the cake on the table in front of Stella. „But you do get to make a wish."
„Another one?" Stella said surprised, a wave of relief washing over her. She smiled at Dana, quietly thanking her.
„As many as you like," Scully said and reclaimed her place beside Stella.
„Here we go," Stella said and closed here eyes before she blew out the candle; it didn't take long for her to come up with a wish, not that she actually believed in such things but she couldn't risk tempting fate.
„Thank you," she said and turned towards Dana, feeling like they were alone for a moment. She kissed her soft and slow, forgetting that they were being watched; it felt like the first time that they kissed with other people close by.
„Okay, awkward," Charlie said. „Get a room."
„Oh just leave them be," Liz said and Stella laughed.
„Okay, who wants cake?" Stella asked while Scully poured them some more wine.
Everything seemed a little easier after that and Scully was glad that everyone seemed to come together quite nicely, talking and laughing without any awkward pauses or other unpleasant incidents. They had brought together a bunch of people who couldn't be more different from each other and yet it worked out somehow.
Irene was immersed in a conversation with Liz, and Charlie seemed to have taken a liking to Dany although Scully wasn't sure whether she was just interpreting something into their conversation, wondering why she had never actually questioned her little brother's most recent love encounters. Truth be told she felt like she knew hardly anything about him and she was determined to change that very soon. She wanted him in her life and she wanted to know how he was doing and that he was happy and content with what he did. As his older sister she also had a sudden urge to protect him, a feeling that she wasn't necessarily familiar with but it was there nonetheless. She thought about telling him that he probably had zero chances with Dany but then again it wasn't her cup of tea and she would leave her to do it or him to figure it out.
It was almost midnight when most of them gathered in the kitchen where the food was and Scully couldn't blame them; somehow all good parties ended in the kitchen sooner or later. There was laughter and talking but there was someone missing; when she left the kitchen Stella was nowhere in sight.
Maybe she has gone to the bathroom, Scully thought but she still put her glass down and went to the bedroom to check; it was empty and the bathroom door open, lights out.
A small part inside of her was worried but she already had an idea. She left the front door ajar, and found Stella sitting on the front steps.
Stella took a deep breathe, inhaling the cool but surprisingly mild air. It was quiet out here, soothingly so and it calmed her raging thoughts. She didn't know when it happened but at some point she had felt terribly overwhelmed amid being surrounded by all these wonderful people.
She had gone from feeling invisible to being the centre of attention and it was something that suddenly demanded too much of her, so much that she found herself unable to breathe. Whenever she was with Dana she felt strong enough to ignore the voices telling her that she wasn't good enough, silencing the one that whispered that she wouldn't be worth being celebrated like this, but then it just became too much.
Sometimes it was easy to believe that she didn't really live but simply existed but then again she believed that she didn't really exist until there was someone to see her; she had never been able to speak properly because no one had ever listened and she had never been able to love the way she did now because she didn't know what it was supposed to be like.
„Stella?" Scully asked softly and stepped outside, sitting beside her.
„Hey," Stella said and looked at her hands.
„Are you okay?" She already had an idea.
„Yes," Stella said and sighed. „I… uh… just needed a moment to breathe."
„We don't have to do this," Scully said, feeling sorry all of a sudden. „I'll kick them all out straightaway and we'll be by ourselves."
„No," Stella said and smiled. „I'll be fine, really."
„What happened?"
„I don't know," Stella said. „I guess I just felt a little overwhelmed, I had to get away to breathe."
„I'm sorry it made you feel that way."
„It's not so bad actually," Stella said. „It was a good idea and you're absolutely wonderful. The cake was delicious."
It was the truth, Stella thought.
She actually liked having them all around and they've all been pretty decent when it came to not making her the sole centre of attention, treating this as a normal dinner with friends and not a very special birthday party. It was great until she had allowed these sneaky demons to convince her otherwise. The reasons for not celebrating her birthday hadn't changed much over the years.
She had never invited people, thinking they would refuse because she actually didn't have friends or they'd simply accept because they were too polite to decline the invitation and she had wanted to spare herself that kind of humiliation.
There weren't many of her colleagues who actually liked her; she had always been regarded as cold-hearted and distant, almost arrogant and it had hurt because it couldn't have been further off the truth so she had decided that she didn't want anyone to know about her birthday, or her personal life, at all.
Scully noticed that she was nervously fidgeting with her hands, trying to soothe herself. She reached for Stella's hands and entwined their fingers, her thumb brushing over the soft skin on the back of her hand.
„I just spent too many years believing, or telling myself, that no one actually liked me and that seems hard to shake off every now and then."
„I don't think that any of these people would be here if they didn't care about you one way or the other."
„I know," Stella said. „And at the same time I don't. It drives me crazy, it feels ridiculous to think that way."
„It's okay to feel overwhelmed and scared, I feel that all the time."
„Somehow you seem to be handling it so much better."
„You make me feel better," Scully said softly and Stella smiled.
„I'm just so frustrated with myself from time to time," Stella said and sighed. „I see all these people at work and the whole time I keep thinking that no one can actually stand me and it… it's so infuriating because… I don't think I'm quite so horrible. At least not anymore."
„You are not, Stella. Not at all," Scully said with a gentle smile.
She understood these feelings, knew where they came from but she also knew that it's been a long day for both of them and she only tended to feel that way when she didn't get enough sleep, losing the power to fight these demons.
„It's been a long day. How about we go inside and maybe we can get some sleep soon?"
„I guess that's a good idea," Stella whispered with a sigh.
„Tell me what you need."
„Just sit with me for a moment," Stella said and looked up, smiling softly but Scully didn't miss that she actually looked a little exhausted.
„Of course," Scully said and placed the softest kiss against Stella's temple before she put an arm around her; she leaned against Dana, soothed by the contact.
„Thank you," Stella said and looked at their entwined hands, thinking how easy it would be to ask that question now. It wouldn't take long and it would be just the two of them. Just the thought made her heart beat a little faster, her hands feel a little shaky and she could not bring herself to say it.
They sat like this for a few moments, both lost in their own thoughts before Stella took a deep breath, dropping the idea of proposing as fast as it had come up.
„Should we go back inside?"
„I like it out here," Scully said and chuckled; she was beginning to understand why Stella felt better in the quiet of the night.
„Come on, before anyone notices that we're gone."
„Are you feeling better?"
„Yes," Stella said and tried to stifle a yawn. „Much better."
She got up and held out her hand, pulling Dana to her feet; before they stepped inside Scully paused.
„Stella, wait," she said softly and grabbed her by the waist, gently pulling her closer.
She looked into her eyes, quietly reassuring her that it is okay and that she knew exactly how Stella felt, she had been there a million times before. Scully's eyes wandered to her lips, the faintest trace of a soft rosé shade still shimmering on them.
She bit her own lip, thinking of how soft they felt against hers and how she loved to kiss Stella and that she never seemed to grow tired of it. Their eyes locked again and Scully's hands wandered from her hips to her face, gently cupping her face.
Stella waited, her eyelids fluttering a little when she expected the warmth of Dana's lips. She knew what it felt like and yet it never ceased to amaze her that every bit of contact seemed to leave her somewhat flustered. Finally, she leaned in and kissed her soft and slow, lingering in the moment before they stepped away from each other and joined the party.
„There you are," Liz said when they walked in. „I guess it's time to call it a night and leave you guys to it.
„I'll grab your coat," Stella said.
„Are you okay?" Liz asked, gently touching Scully's cheek; Scully nodded. „It's been a lovely evening."
„Text me when you get home," Scully said.
„I will," she promised and said goodbye to Stella.
Dany entered the kitchen when Scully started to clear away some of the empty plates and glasses.
„Are you having a nice time?" Scully asked, thinking that she had barely talked to her all evening.
„Yes, thank you."
„It doesn't feel weird, does it?"
„It's not as bad as I thought it would be," Dany admitted.
„I'm glad to hear that."
„I'm surprised," she explained after a few moments.
„Why?"
„It's so weird to see Stella like that," she said and looked over her shoulder to where Stella and Irene were sitting. „Don't get me wrong, I've always thought that she was a nice person but she was so different when I first met her."
„I've heard that before."
„She was focused on her work, very impersonal and very considerate when it came to her private life."
„I can imagine," Scully threw in.
„She didn't seem quite so happy," Dany said after a few seconds. „In retrospect I think she was in a different place back then, somewhere darker."
Scully nodded, quietly offering Dany another drink but she declined.
„It's nice to see her like this, it might sound stupid but I never thought it would be possible somehow. She appears happier."
„Isn't that what we all deserve?" Scully wondered. „Are you happy?"
She asked that question without giving it a second thought; it might be none of her business.
„Sorry, I didn't mean to."
„It's okay," Dany laughed. „Yes, I think I am pretty happy."
***
„We made it," Scully said and crawled into bed.
Stella was leaning against her pillows, dressed in shorts and a soft cotton tank top. It made Dana smile, reminding her of a conversation they had had not too long ago when Stella had insisted that there was nothing more comfortable than the silk tops she usually wore and Dana herself had argued that it was too warm to be wearing something like this at midsummer.
„Yes," Stella said with a sigh of relief and Dana kissed her.
She continued to lotion her hands, the pleasant smell of white lotus and yi yi ren hanging between them.
„Are you feeling a little better?" Scully asked and turned on her side.
„I'm mostly tired," Stella joked and switched off her beside light, turning on her side to face Dana. It took her eyes a few seconds to get used to the darkness and make out her features.
Their faces were inches apart and Scully reached out to touch Stella's cheek, seeking the physical contact.
„It still feels weird, I can't seem to shake off that feeling," Stella said quietly.
„I hope you still enjoyed at least a bit of it."
„Yes, I did," Stella said and smiled, closing the distance between them with a kiss.
„Will you believe me when I tell you that I love you very much?"
Stella took a deep breath, shushing the awful voices inside her head and cuddled up to Dana.
„Yes," Stella whispered and yawned, burying her face in the crook of Dana's neck. It didn't take long for her to fall asleep with the soothing feeling of Dana's hand, drawing circles on her lower back.