When I'm at the pearly gates, this'll be on my videotape; this is one for the good days, and I have it all here in red, blue, green. In red, blue, green. You are my centre when I spin away, out of control on videotape. This is my way of saying goodbye; cause I can't do it face to face, I'm talking to you before.
No matter what happens now you shouldn't be afraid,
Because I know today has been the most perfect day I've ever seen.
[Radiohead-Videotape] this song reminds me of Faith/Gaignun. I don't know whether it's any relevance with the story so far or this chapter, but I figured I'd start with these lyrics this time XD I normally add lyrics afterwards that go with the chapters theme but yeah. If you haven't heard the song, listen to it!
Chapter Thirty-Seven
You Are My Sinner; My Wife and Other
Outside the house, the sky grumbled from rim to rim, rocking the ground of Second Miltia underfoot. The rain pelted from the dark clouds hard against the trees that creaked and shuddered restlessly; branches moving in the gusting wind unsteadily. In the isolated kitchen, Faith listened to the noise of the raging, angered storm outside; thinking of how such a thing was an upcoming sign perhaps. Her body shivered uncontrollably in the cold kitchen, though she could hear the pipes in the home creaking as heated water flowed through them. She despised with all her might being the first person up in the old home, knowing how cold it would be until the heating was turned on, especially on a cold, stormy day such as that one. At the small, mostly unused dining table, she wrapped her hands around the boiling hot pink mug; the beverage inside the porcelain item was hot chocolate, one of her favourite drinks, which Gaignun had prepared for her, along with peanut butter and jam on toast, though that plate was on the other side of the table; Faith's stomach feeling too unsettled to have anything else within it but the drink. In the dim light of seven in the morning, a blanket of isolation had overcome her and if it weren't for the angered weather outside she would have felt as if she were still in a cloud of sleeping, rather then an awoken world that didn't feel that awake. Gaignun had scooted off to use the bathroom while everyone rested in their warm beds, oblivious to the storm raging that was so foreboding to little pregnant Faith. She wrapped her little ankles around the wooden legs of the chair, feeling her bones push almost painfully against it yet she didn't care. For what had felt like hours, Faith had stared at the plate of food in the corner of her eye, wondering whether she should dare to take a bit or not. She had been sick, earlier in the morning, which was the reason for her and Gaignun to be awake; neither of them could rest again with the loud storm nor could Faith settle under the sheets with her body trembling so. Gaignun had told her, whilst preparing her toast that she would need to eat and the reasons why she had been told that made her skin crawl. They were horribly frightening reasons that terrified the life out of her! And those thoughts, those reactions to something that was supposed to be amazing made Faith hate herself.
Was she rejecting a baby that hadn't properly grown yet? She thought herself of the lowest of the low; the most disgusting person in the world but the entire concept was bewilderingly frightening to her. Though all she did was sit there, staring at the plate filled with three slices of toast that had been covered in peanut butter (Rubedo's fault for her new food addiction), she was creating something inside of her. Something, which she had already thought of, that wasn't entirely human. It wouldn't have been, not with a mother like her or a father like him. That wasn't a problem, she didn't really mind. She would worry for the child's childhood, which she would protect with her life but the thought of having something within her; inside her stomach, being made at that moment was dreadfully scary. Her little fingers were caressing the lower half of her abdomen; wondering what lay beneath her fingers. A boy or a girl? Would he have black or red hair or would he inherit his uncle's hair and go white or red? What eyes would he have? Gold, blue, green, purple…she half prayed they would be something natural so the baby wouldn't end up getting caught up in the murderous affairs, somehow, that his parents went through. That would scared her; "parent". She liked kids; hell, she loved kids. She loved seeing babies laugh and giggle in their push chairs and she remembered seeing a little boy, about three years old, wearing a lime green jump-suit like thing at six o'clock getting excited and going "Daddies car! We're going in daddy's car! Daddies car!". That made her smile and laugh. They were amazing but she didn't have to raise them into fine humans; she didn't have to make sure everything was perfect for them; they grew up perfect and they were happy. She didn't want to screw up somehow in life and become a parent of a child that had committed suicide or had an eating disorder and she knew she was looking too far into things but everything counted; even how she spoke to the baby in her tummy. Her hands began to tremble as she sat there in her sleepwear; her heart thudding quickly.
But what if Albedo took her away…? What if the creature in her mind seeped into the babies mind…? What if Gabriel hit her too hard … What if Dmitri didn't want the baby interfering with his plans? What if she ran out of blood? What if-
She was going to faint.
She was going to drift off into a realm of nightmares; slam her head on the wooden table and fall unconscious. Or she was going to be sick. Something constricted around her heart tightly, causing her to wince as she sat there; the world spinning around her at a fast, uncontrollable pace. Her breathing became uneven as the panic began to set in and the noise of the thunder drifted from her eardrums. Her body seemed to have forgotten to bring air to her brain, causing a dizzy spell to overcome her. Shutting her eyes tightly, she put a hand on her forehead; keeping her fingers softly against her abdomen. A few months ago, Gaignun had taught her to calm herself; told her how to keep her breathing even if she ever felt the need or overwhelming sensation a panic was going to fall over her like a crashing waterfall. Closing her eyes, she tried not to breathe like a fish out of water, and slowly filled her lungs through her nose, feeling her body trembling. Panicking wouldn't be doing the baby any good. But as that little thought buzzed through her mind like a bright firefly, she was off again; feeling her heart pounding quickly, trying to pull as much oxygen through her as possible in an attempt to stop her calming down.
'Oh goodness the baby…' she whispered through her mind, clutching her shirt with her left hand tightly. 'What am I doing? Oh no, calm down please…' she seemed to beg her heart to slow; beg her bones to stop trembling like the branches of the trees were outside in the wind. Pushing her spine straight, she lowered the hand on her forehead to her lap, shooing all the thoughts of how she could be affecting the baby away. She locked them in the back of her mind and threw away the key; concentrating just on breathing. In through the nose, out through the mouth. The noise of the storm ran through her mind again as the dizzy spell drifted from her brain. Her heart evened its pace finally as she felt her body stop its once uncontrollable trembling. Everything would be okay, so far; just okay. Parting her eyes gently, she looked across the straight, not moving kitchen and reached foreword for the still warm mug of hot chocolate, which she began to sip slowly. On her left, she felt the heat emitting from the radiator; her flesh feeling better then it had done. Nice and calm, nice and calm, just as he taught her…
The past three or so months had been difficult for; extremely complicated. Each day was like undoing knotted up worsted that just got worse and worse as she pulled at the strings. When she had first missed her period she had thought nothing of it, which looking bad she realised to be a stupid little thing. She had heard from a few friends she had made at the Durandle that if the body lost a lot of weight then it would stop producing eggs, but that was apparently nothing to worry about if periods weren't missed too long. When Faith had heard the stupid rumour she thought of how pathetic it was! If a body was weak enough to miss a period that was bad, full stop but she couldn't help but think that was her problem when she hadn't had hers. During that time she was losing weight for the wedding, which Gaignun wished she hadn't done but she couldn't help it. She was naturally skinny as it was, but she didn't lose too much; no where near enough to make her ill but her mind just turned on its ignorant button and figured it was that. Even when she had cravings she ignored what it could have meant and ate what she wanted. She craved anything sugary; skittles, chocolate, cakes…anything! It was when she began to get sick along with missing her second period that she began to panic and worry. Worry hard. When she was ill, blood vessels appeared on her cheeks like bright red freckles and despite having hidden her sickness from Gaignun extraordinarily well, she couldn't hide the blood vessels. Not even with an ample of makeup! He noticed them, of course he did and worried for her yet nothing came out of it. She said she didn't know but something in her eyes must have given her away because he kept an even closer eye on her, even stating it could have been all the sugary food she was eating that might have made her ill! Just a few weeks ago he attempted to stop her from eating them, but of course she couldn't really; not with the hungry baby inside of her. She didn't understand how she had gotten pregnant. With the wonders of technology all she had to do was take a pill, which she did whenever she had to and voila! But still, a little baby had been made in her womb. Whoever invented the damn pill obviously didn't think of the lack of effect it would have on U.R.T.V's and…whatever in the world she was. Faith knew Gaignun wouldn't be mad about the situation; he would be overjoyed, which he had proved the previous night but still she was too frightened to tell him. Eventually, she had worked up the courage to tell him on the night of her twenty-first birthday.
That one night had meant everything to her. She had planned the entire thing out; from start to finish yet of course, chaos had ruined the whole thing by not badgering onto Gaignun (like she had asked him) to skip work just to be with her. But no, he didn't listen and instead of telling her husband she was pregnant she killed a room full of people and her best friend. She sighed softly, closing her eyes once more as she pushed the thoughts from her mind. That didn't matter anymore; she was going to get better soon with a family, just like she had always wanted.
"You should eat that before Jr. comes down," came the cool voice of chaos from behind her. His voice entering her ears was unexpected yet she didn't jump; perhaps it was from his tone or from that creepily serene aura he carried about him. Instead of becoming frightened for a second, she just tenderly looked over her shoulder; the curls of her hair perching on her shoulder to cover part of her pale, slightly blood vessel covered cheek.
Wrapping her hands tighter around the mug, she watched as chaos gave her a gentle smile before moving about the kitchen to make himself a hot drink. He was oblivious to the almost unemotional expression she carried that she didn't know she was showing. As she watched the older, yet somehow younger, boy, her heart thudded beneath her ribs in a warning to her thoughts that would fly through her mind. She would have to tell the boy ('Man,' she corrected herself) about the pregnancy; the man that ('I'll go with guy…' she thought once more) she was carrying a baby. How would he take such news? No, she couldn't think of the future anymore; she had to take things one step at a time.
"The weather is horrible out there, isn't it?" he questioned, looking out of the window with his eyes that were the colour the sky should have been. He put a spoon in his cup, mixing the tea with the sugar silently; the metal not touching the cobalt mug once. The windows creaked when the gust of wind pushed against them; the raindrops begging to come into the now heated home. Neatly, he placed the spoon into the sink before turning to the table she sat at to sit down. When he gazed at her, she managed to nod in answer to his question; unsure of whether her dry mouth would allow her to talk or not. He sat down opposite her, gazing at her with his eyes that would try to twist inside of her and see what was wrong. Unknown to her, she carried an emotion of dread in her eyes that could easily be picked up on. "Did you sleep well?"
"Yes," she lied, putting on a smile as she took a sip of her drink. Chaos unconsciously copied her movement. Of course she hadn't slept well; another night of disgustingly horrifying nightmares but she wouldn't admit that to chaos. "Did you?"
"I did, thank you," he replied gently with a smile identical, yet truer, to hers. He listened to her silence for a few moments before talking softly. "It's quite strange…" he began softly, worming over his words to make sure he was picking the right ones for her to hear. "To be here again…"
Lowering her eyes, Faith reminisced for a few moments the times she had spent with chaos; the pain, the fun and the love; a mixture of so many emotions and joys and even hatred in such a short amount of time. The house they sat in had collected every speech, every sigh and every yell that had been emitted into the air; everything. After so many years of what she believed to be hell, he had returned to be at her side. Just like Gaignun, she had put chaos through a lot and as if she were opening her eyes she realised how she had put him through more then what Gaignun had experienced. She had sworn at him, punched him and made him bleed. Without her knowing, tears began to stream down her face as she sat there, thinking of all the terrible deeds she had performed upon chaos that he had taken. A part of her despised him for what he had done; for putting her with Albedo and creating that life for her yet she had deserved that. Chaos hadn't deserved anything that she did to him. Her hands began to tremble around the mug she held and a voice echoed through her mind; as tender and as soft as silk.
"Why are you crying?" the sweet chaos asked her, reaching over to caress her hand softly with his own, surprisingly bare one. The question pulled her from her thoughts, causing her to look from the table to his eyes; filled with concern he had attempted to hide. Sniffing, she shook her head from left to right. Small bolts of electric flowed from him to her heart, filling her with the feeling she was being cared for; something she had only just noticed in years. He cared for her and she treated him terribly. She deserved hell.
"Why have you followed me throughout my life…?" she questioned as gently as she possibly could. Her voice was beginning to break in places, yet she couldn't care less. With the sleeve of her yellow sleeping jumper, she wiped her face from the tears, refusing for anymore to leave her eyes. Crying was stupid, as she always reminded herself. "You could have left me with Albedo. Your duty was to leave me with him. I assume the moment I left these walls you did too and haven't returned since that day I did; the day I killed Emilia."
Gazing down at her trembling hands, he took a moment as he usually would do to think of an answer; to make sure his words to her ears were ideal. Eventually, he spoke in his even monotone voice. This was what she wanted: answers, finally and hopefully answers that wouldn't be as silly as 'I care for you'. "My concern has never been with Emilia, your father, Gabriel or Damion. It has been with you. I think we have established neither of us are …" he paused for a moment before continuing. "Human, as such."
"If you're going by textbook, no we're not," she told him with a little frown. "But by that assumption then no one quite is. There are people that can use Ether; there are people with special abilities that go beyond writing and drawing and other things. Chaos, I don't want to talk about this. I want to know why you stayed with me."
"To protect you," he replied solemnly. "Simply that is it. I haven't any idea what you are Faith," he sighed deeply, retracting his hand from hers. He re-wrapped it around his mug, which was what she did too. "There's a story, of an angel that begged to go onto human grounds. The Angel pleaded with God, wishing to experience what the humans were and eventually was born, to a woman who died shortly after the birth. This Angel lost all her powers when she became a human but was like a blank canvas. People could draw upon her but she could not draw upon herself. She relied on the other humans for her powers, which included breathing. She couldn't breathe until she touched her mother's arm. Later, as she passed different types of people. When she went past an artist she learnt how to draw spectacularly; when she hugged a chef she could cook. But, this became a curse at the same time. People could mingle with her mind and when someone learnt what she was they used her for the worst of things; murder and all types of Sins."
Faith frowned at his story for a few moments before shaking her head. "What became of her?" she asked, almost dreading the answer but chaos sighed slowly.
"I do not know," he answered heavily, taking a sip of his tea. "Perhaps it was just a story; perhaps not but you remind me of the Angel."
A laugh emitted from her lips as she sat there, shaking her head. "Oh wow, first I'm mental; that's fine, I can deal with that, and then there's Demonic Possession and now I'm an Angel!" another mocking laugh escaped the back of her throat, causing a tear to drip down her face. "Do tell, how is that possible? I'd be dead."
"Reincarnation," he replied solemnly, ignoring her amusement.
"Oh don't tell me you believe in that!" she laughed again, before having her eyes caught up in his gaze. There was something so stern; so still about how he watched her in relation to her sentence that she couldn't help but freeze slightly. Her lips sealed as she watched his still figure, wondering for a few moments whether he was telling the truth but it was chaos; he knew all that went on in the world. If he said something was true then it was, but she couldn't be the reincarnation of some Angel that had obviously lost herself within the realms of humanity like a child lost in a shopping mall. If so, no one would have known of her origin save for Gabriel so no one could have toyed with her mind so. Looking down at the table, she held her breath for a moment before tilting her head to the side to look him in the eye again. "Are you for real?" she finally asked with an airy voice.
"As real as I can be," he responded with his even tone. His tone, combined with his facial expression caused her heart to jolt slightly as if the thunder outside had struck her. Perhaps it was a warning to all the events that would be unfolding out in front of her like a fan. Looking her over with his gentle eyes, he allowed them to rest on her quickly pale growing face for a moment before he spoke in his caring manner. "Are you okay? You haven't looked that well lately."
"I'm fine," she quickly replied, trying not to think of what he had told her. He had to be a mental case, surely! Reincarnation didn't exist, nor could she be a reincarnation of an angel. Oh well, the answers would be there just as soon as she got into the Encephalon. "When I asked you about why have you followed me for so long, I meant in relation to the fact I've been," she frowned trying to find a good word within her mind but could only find one. "A bitch towards you. Each time you've been kind I threw it back in your face."
He paused, almost awkwardly before speaking in a tone she didn't recognise that was drenched with his suddenly airy voice. "It's fine, Faith," and with those three words he stood to his feet without anymore eye contact, taking his mug of tea with him and left the kitchen; exiting to the dining room where she knew he would be sitting alone, wanting to be away from her. Sighing, she lowered her eyes and reached over for the toast Gaignun had prepared for her and slowly began to munch it down, almost forcing herself to eat.
Comments: I'm doing shorter chapters now. I know this is excruciatingly short but I want to do it little by little rather then crunch everything into massive chapters that in the long run mean nothing. Plus I'm kind of dreading coming to the end of Bitter Sweet. I don't really want to have a page with the words END printed on it XD Sounds sad, for just a story, but its means a lot (writing this got me through a lot of things that happened over the last couple of years). I don't know why but I really like that little moment between Faith and chaos where he just leaves XD Maybe all that abuse she gave to him really did affect him in some way. Hm, maybe we'll never know but at least she's finally realised her mistakes. I do like it when characters grow XD
Btw, I'm sorry there's a little bit of difference with Xenosaga character's personalities in this fic, especially as it goes on but I think that if they were lunged into this world there would be some growth; especially with Gaignun and chaos. If that makes sense, haha XD But yeah do enjoy :3 Oh I'm trying out a new writing style too with less blocky paragraphs XD It might just be for this chapter or others, who knows lol
I'm the next act: waiting in the wings. I'm an animal: trapped in your hot car.
I am all the days that you choose to ignore.
You're all I need, you're all I need. I'm in the middle of your picture: lying in the reeds.
I am a moth, who just wants to share your light. I'm just an insect: trying to get out of the night.
I only stick with you, because there are no others.
You're all I need,
You're all I need,
I'm in the middle of your picture: lying in the reeds.
It's all wrong, it's all right,
It's all wrong, it's all right,
It's all wrong, it's all right,
It's all wrong, it's all right,
It's all… It's all…
[Radiohead: All I need] why am I getting so attached to this silly little fanfic that at the beginning was supposed to be nothing but a typical kirschwasser story?