A/N: I am, like, so proud of myself. I got this chap done in a DAY. Yes, you read right. A day! I started writing it this morning in bed, and well, here it is! And I did go out for most of the afternoon (I went to watch The Hunger Games - it was so cool!) And okay, I'll admit it isn't the longest chap ever, but it's a chap, right? It's like, the second half of last chap... I guess. Yes.
KellyTheLovatic - You're a duckling because I say so. Mwuhahahaha! Also, I forgot to mention last time - the song you wrote was really sweet, and it really fit with what's happening this chap! So you are cool! *thumbs up*
swac twilight14 - I'm always too lazy to login ;D
channyfan83 - Gahh! You rock! You're like, AWE-SOME. Yes. So here is the chapter for yooouuuu...
Julie - Here's the chap! Don't have a heart attack!
All in all, I'm glad y'all enjoyed that chapter. And don't worry, there's plenty of Sonny obsessing over Chad to come. And they WILL get together - I have, like, the next 5/6 chapters completely planned out :D
Enjoy! I don't own SWAC, because I think if I did you'd all be worshipping me for the amazingness :P I forgot to mention last time that I don't own Ours by Taylor Swift, and I also don't own For The Love of A Daughter by Demi Lovato.
Chapter 35 - Wishes and Wounds
Sonny's POV
I stumble into my dressing room that I've been using while guest-starring on So Random, sighing loudly. This dressing room is slightly smaller than my Melody Falls dressing room, and it has more variety of colours rather than just pinks. This dressing room has a blue wall, a green wall, and the other two white; a small, purple rug, and a white vanity. It also has a large TV, a green couch like the one in the Prop House, and a piano for musical guests to use to practice if needed. One of the white walls is lined with photos of celebrities who have stayed in there, along with a message from the celebrity.
I notice an old-style camera on the vanity and smile weakly. Picking up the camera, I take a picture of myself, forcing a smile, and when the picture prints and dries, I write a message along the bottom in pink curly writing:
"Thanks for having me, Randoms!
Thanks for the laughs.
TV's Sonny Munroe x"
Now to clear the room, like Marshall asked. I find my bag in the corner of the room, and stuff everything in there - my make-up (which, after Tuesday's mess, I don't leave the house without), magazines, a photo of Chad and I that usually sits on my bedside table at home, and my songbook, which is sat open on the piano at a song that I was playing earlier.
I put the final pieces of that song together a few hours ago, while the Randoms were rehearsing. It's a song I started ages ago, but I hadn't touched it in about a month because of all the hard work on Melody Falls and So Random. It's a song I started to write one night when I was feeling empty, thoughtful. It's a song about loss, about pain, about wanting something, or someone, far out of reach.
It's a song about my father.
Of course, I haven't thought about or grieved about my father properly in weeks. Ohhh no. I've been too busy drooling over Chad Dylan Cooper; something which actually shocks me to admit.
Who would've thought that this would really happen? Surely not me, for one. I mean, I thought I hadn't felt this way about Chad for a couple of months, but since he sung that song… something just clicked.
This is wrong. All so wrong. I don't want to have these feelings for Chad. They are unreturned, after all. Chad would never think about me that way - sure, he kissed me once, but that was way before even his sixteenth birthday! He hadn't been in Hollywood long back then (probably only a month or so, if even that), and he was just probably overwhelmed to be in such close proximity to a Hollywood star. No way does he, or did he ever, have feelings for me.
Nope.
Okay, maybe he had a crush on me, but could you blame him?
…Ignore that egoistic comment.
Point is, I am his best friend now. Not crush. Not girlfriend. And, in his eyes, that's all I'll ever be.
It makes me feel sick. So sick that I can be so weak. For a boy. Before Chad, I was the girl who needed nothing, loved no-one. Really I was just hiding behind a persona, slowly shrinking away underneath it all. When Chad came, I thought I was getting stronger, but now I'm not quite sure.
Has Chad really made me stronger? Or has he made me weaker? Because, to be truthful, I've never felt love like this before - lust, very fake lust - but not love. Not love that makes my head spin, my heart pound. Not love that makes my knees like jelly, not love that causes my lungs to malfunction.
Not love that somehow makes me not work properly as a human being, like a broken-down piece of machinery.
Because this isn't just love. It feels like a disease. It feels like some sort of pathogen has invaded my body and is tearing away at the hard shell, leaving some weak, pathetic thing behind.
I never feel exposed with Chad. Chad makes me feel safe. But now, things have changed.
Surely I can't have fallen in love in the space of three or four minutes? No. Because this isn't that kind of love. I'm not some kind of Mary-Sue who falls in love with every good-looking guy she sees only to have her heart so-called 'broken' afterwards. This love I'm feeling has built up over time, hiding away in my core; developing, growing, waiting for just the right moment to overflow and get out of control, like a cancer.
I don't know if I even want this love, because it hurts. It makes me feel dizzy. It makes me feel numb. It makes my heart ache most of all though, because I know that no matter how much I love Chad, he will never love me back in the same way. And besides, even if Chad did happen to feel the same, it just wouldn't work out. We're not meant to be a couple - right?
...Right?
Right. I mean, we could put a risk on our friendships – with each other and other people (the Randoms spring to mind here) – we could put risks on our reputations, our jobs, our lives.
We couldn't... We wouldn't...
And yet, a small voice inside of me tells me that we must. And we will.
Ha. How weak and stupid that part of me must be.
I make my way to Chad's dressing room, hoping he'll already be there so I can't let my mind wander again. I'm worried that I'm actually going to cause myself mental pain with these thoughts about Chad which I really shouldn't be having. Maybe, if we just hang out, like friends, all these weird feelings will just go away.
I hope.
But Chad isn't here yet - it's just an empty, quiet room. I sigh, taking a seat on the couch, opening my songbook. Bored, I flick through the whole book - being met with songs about butterflies and rainbows and stuff from when I was really young, and developing to songs about boys and love and friendship, from more recent times, and then I reach the page with the song about my Dad.
Tempted, and with a great idea to stop my mind from wandering to... other matters, I sit down at Chad's piano and begin to play the song. It starts off as an excuse to get my mind off of Chad, but soon, I really start to put emotion into it. I play the first few bars, humming the melody quietly to myself, imagining myself singing the words to my birth father. Telling him how much I love him, need him, miss him. How much he has ruined my life, my family. How much I wish he could just come back to me, and we could just be like a normal family. He could scare off boyfriends and watch movies with me and embarrass me in front of my friends.
Is that too much to ask? To have a normal life? Because sometimes, that's all I could ever want.
Maybe that way, my daddy would still be around. Maybe that way, I would live as the sweet, kind Allie Munroe I used to be.
Maybe that way, Chad would be mine.
I bite down on my lip, hard, as a punishment for bringing Chad into this, pressing the piano keys harder as I get into the chorus. I don't know whether this is because that is the way I wrote it, or the fact that I am starting to remember, really, how much pain my father really caused me. I then remember the pain Tawni caused. The pain the press have caused, the pressure, the public, the paparazzi…
The pain Chad has caused…
"Wow…" The sound of the soft voice alerts me to stop playing. Mumbling incoherently to myself, I get up off of the seat clumsily and slam my book shut, causing it to fly off the stand. A blonde figure rushes towards me, picking up the book and handing it to me. I wipe a strand of hair out of my face and try to smile at the figure.
"Sorry! I was just, um, sorry…"
"No, it's fine!" Chad laughs, "Your song sounded really good."
I blink, "How long have you been stood there?"
Chad shrugs, "Thirty seconds, maybe? Seriously, though, your song is really good! Can I hear it? You know – all of it?"
This is not what I wanted. I wanted a distraction from Chad – and with Chad here, listening to my song, well; it'll just mean I have one more thing that I can associate with him.
How I loathe these disgusting feelings.
Unbeknownst to my mind, my feet have moved towards the piano. My butt has sat on the chair. My fingers have started moving across the piano in a warm-up fashion. Chad sits next to me – a little too close for my liking – and scans the pages of the book with a lopsided smile.
"'For The Love of a Daughter'…" He reads from the top of the messy page. I bite my lip. I've never actually shown someone this song. I have sudden regrets – probably from anxiety. Is it gonna be too cheesy? To revealing? Too pathetic?
Chad continues to smile nonetheless, "It's about your dad?" He asks, his face softening. Unable to speak, I just nod. "I see…" He says after a pause, seeming unable to think of anything else to say. "So, any time you're ready."
I swallow heavily, "C-can you turn the pages for me?" I ask him. Maybe it'll keep him focused on the music rather than me so I won't have his gaze burning down at me. Chad nods, watching me expectantly. Taking a deep breath, I begin to play.
Four years old, with my back to the door
All I could hear, was the family you wore
Your selfish hands, always expecting more
Am I your child, or just a charity ward?
You have a hollowed out heart
But it's heavy in your chest
I try so hard to fight it
But it's hopeless
Hopeless
You're hopeless
I hear the sound of a page turning and momentarily look up at Chad. His eyes and on me and he smiles softly, and as my heart begins to speed I turn quickly back to focus my eyes on the paper, letting myself go in the music.
Oh father, please father
I'd love to leave you alone
But I can't let you go
Oh father, please father
Put the bottle down
For the love of a daughter
Ooh
It's been five years since we've spoken last
And you can't take back what we never had
Oh, I can be manipulated only so many times
Before even 'I love you' starts to sound like a lie
You have a hollowed out heart
But it's heavy in your chest
I try so hard to fight it
But it's hopeless
Hopeless
You're hopeless
I have to admit, by this moment, I barely can acknowledge the fact that Chad is still here. My mind is just… completely focused on my dad. This is the first time I've played the song all the way through, and it doesn't sound like a song to me anymore.
It sounds like a plea; a desperate cry for help.
Oh father, please father
I'd love to leave you alone
But I can't let you go
Oh father, please father
Put the bottle down
For the love of a daughter
Don't you remember I'm your baby girl?
How could you push me out of your world?
Lied to your flesh and your blood
Put your hands on the ones that you swore you'd love
Don't you remember, I'm your baby girl?
How could you throw me right out of your world?
So young when the pain had begun
Now forever afraid of being alone
Oh father, please father
I'd love to leave you alone
But I can't let you go
Oh father, please father
Oh father, please father
Put the bottle down, for the love of a daughter
For the love of a daughter
I drop my hands in my lap the moment I hit the last note. I feel something wet trickle down my cheek, but I am too lost in thoughts to wipe it away. Too lost in thoughts of a man – my so-called father. The one I truly haven't grieved about in months. The memories of him come flooding back; water rapids in my brain, causing me to lose all train of thought against the waves. This song is really my plea for help, for him. My plea cannot really be heard here though. Not among all these waves of confusion and pain and memories and loss.
"Sonny?" The gentle voice of my onlooker rings in my ears, but I still can't find the words to say or do anything.
What is wrong with me? When did I turn into this puny, pathetic, pointless little mess? I thought everything was going well, but I was so wrong. So wrong. Because I'm not getting stronger. I'm getting weaker.
A frail, pathetic pile of nothing, I cave in and fall into Chad, sobbing into his chest.
Chad's POV
I hate seeing Sonny in pain.
Sonny is so brilliant and beautiful when she's happy. So then, when something happens that opens a huge can of worms and cause her pain, what am I supposed to do but sit and cradle her in my arms like a friend should?
Exactly. So when Sonny collapses in my arms and begins to cry after she sings me the song about her dad, that is precisely what I do. And when she stops crying, I wipe the final tear off of her cheek and give her a small smile which makes her blush furiously, which is kinda odd…
But anyway.
"Feeling any better?" I ask her, and she nods, wiping an arm across her eyes carefully.
"Yeah. Sorry." She says, cringing. I blink.
"No need to apologise. I don't blame you for having a little moment… that song was emotional."
"Yeah…" Sonny sighs miserably, "The emotion only just hit me. Fun, huh?"
"Joyous." I agree, making Sonny giggle. The sound is pretty much like music to my ears. "Cum'ere beautiful." I say, wrapping my arms around her and embracing her in a long hug, because she deserves it.
The response is kind of… weird, if I do say so myself. Sonny doesn't hug me back like usual. She just sorta sits there with her hands in her lap. Is that a good thing? Or should I be worried? Why am I even asking myself? I decide to just push it to the side, I mean, I have bigger problems, right?
"What the?"
…Right.
I pull myself away from Sonny like she's suddenly become infected (which she hasn't. I could hug that girl forever) to be confronted by Tawni, who is stood in the doorway of my dressing room, with her mouth wide open, gapping.
"Tawni…"
Before I can say anything, Tawni turns on her heels and storms off, down the hallway. I look to Sonny helplessly, and she nods, understanding exactly what I need to do. I smile thankfully at her. The best friends are the ones who understand you perfectly. Like Sonny with me. She just knows me.
So I follow Tawni out of the door, and down the hallway. Eventually I find her in her dressing room, looking miserably at her reflection in her mirror. The moment she notices me in the background of the reflective image, she puts on a pout and folds her arms, pretending like I'm not there.
"Tawni, please let me explain before you get all angry at me."
"Too late." She snaps, "I'm already angry. You were hugging Sonny Munroe!"
I roll my eyes. This is gonna take some time… "Okay, I was." I say, running a hand through my hair, "But there's a reason – she was crying, okay?"
"Oh." Tawni says, her voice dripping with sarcasm, "So you just hug any crying girl?"
"It's not like that!" I groan, "And why are you acting like this?"
Tawni gets up off of her seat, twirling around to face me, glaring menacingly, "Because, Chad, in case you didn't notice, you were hugging Sonny!"
"I know!" I yell right back, "Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I'll hug you too!"
"Oh, great!" Tawni cries, "Why don't you go around hugging everyone then? Nico! Grady! Zora! The creepy lunch lady! I'm sure you won't mind!"
My jaw drops open, "Okay, Tawni, let's get one thing straight." I say, pointing a finger in her face, "Sonny was crying. She was upset about her father and, as a kind person, I thought it would be nice to comfort her! I'm not like you – I don't turn my nose up at anyone who's not primped and perfect, because unlike you, I actually have a heart!"
Tawni's shoulders then slump at my words. She looks kinda… in shock. I gulp loudly.
"Tawni, I'm sorry, I didn't-"
"No, you're right." Tawni says, shaking her head slowly, "I am a… total bitch, I know." (A/N: Sorry for the swear… :P) She chuckles forcedly, averting her eyes from my face, "I mean, you can understand why I freaked out, right?"
"Absolutely."
"Yeah." Tawni smiles sadly, "I thought you two were… anyways. I know that would never really happen, right?"
"Right." I agree. Tawni's smile becomes real now. She wishes me a merry Christmas and a good break, before leaving the room. I watch her with a triumphant smile.
So I guess Tawni really has calmed herself down…
Sonny's POV
I watch Chad go, sighing forlornly.
He doesn't love me.
He would stay with me if he did.
But he doesn't.
The tears start up again, but for a completely different reason.
A/N: Well, that chapter was so much more angst-y than I expected. But oh welll... we had some cute Channy moments, right?
Hope y'all liked the random involvement of another song :P I should really start writing my own songs to put in here. I will, soon. In fact, I have one planned, which is gonna come about after Channy's first date... *suspicious wink*
Please review! I'm going to school tomorrow and I wanna wake up to some really sweet reviews to cheer me up ready for the new term... *eye roll*
I am gonna be starting my exams in May-time, so I should really start revising. This means that I might update less often, but hey, we shall see!
Like I said - review!
Lots of love...
~Amy x