The halls of St. Mungo's were becoming all too familiar. Lily paced them restlessly, nodding to the handful of healers she passed who caught her eye. Most of them, she ignored. They knew her now. She was familiar. She'd spent the last two weeks in weary vigil over Remus. It was all she could do right now. She was lucky, very lucky that James was so tolerant of her. She'd gone with him to an Order meeting, hoping to get assigned to paperwork for the duration of her pregnancy. Certainly there was always a need for someone to be shuffling papers.

Alastor Moody was of a different mind. Someone had told him of her stint in St. Mungo's, and had explained the mission she'd gone on. The risk she'd taken with Remus. After promising him that she wouldn't risk the life of her unborn again.

Thankfully, they'd been alone at the time. It was embarrassing enough to announce to James that Moody had known first; but it was worse to have him scream it at them at the top of his lungs. He'd spent a good half hour shouting at her for her stupidity. Her carelessness. Her utter selfishness. Her insensibility. Her stubbornness. Lily had felt an inch tall by the time he was done with her. James hadn't said a word through it all. He simply stood a half a step behind her and left his hands on her shoulders. She hoped he hadn't intended on making some grand announcement at that meeting. By the time Moody was done ripping her character to pieces, Lily hadn't the heart to protest when he forbid her from all Order activity. He didn't want her knowing anything about Order proceedings, because he was utterly convinced she would get it in her head that only she could handle some random mission that arose. James had made a token effort of protest on her behalf, but Moody's fury had been quick to silence him.

Just wait. James had told her later in private. Moody would get over his pique in a few weeks. If she simply behaved herself for a bit, then they could talk him into better sense. There was no reason in the world why she couldn't join Alice in setting assignments and organizing reports. Until then, Lily wasn't even allowed at the meetings.

A piece of her wanted to be furious. She wasn't a child after all. She'd bled quite a bit to help the Order, and it was her right to continue to help them. Especially with so few that could truly be trusted. But Peter and Alice had the paperwork situation handled according to Moody. Lily doubted that two people could really handle the amount of information flowing through the Order, but she would have to be patient. Perhaps talk Alice into speaking with Mad-Eye.

Lily settled back into place beside Remus' bed, heaving a sigh because there was little else she could do. Remus was ashen, drugged into an uneasy slumber. There were times when he would open his eyes, but it was anyone's guess at to how much he was aware of. He'd become agitated if left off sedative potions for too long. The healers whispered about possibly getting him addicted to the potions, but they didn't have any choice. What would happen with the moon? It was anyone's guess. Lily thought she was the only one fretting about it. There was still a week and a half until the next full moon. Remus could make drastic progress between now and then.

"There you are." She started, spinning to find Dani leaning in the doorway.

"What?"

"You're late." The mediwitch told her.

"My appointment is tomorrow." Lily frowned, confused.

"I know." Dani gestured impatiently. "Come on."

"Come where?" She wondered blankly, trusting Dani enough to rise to follow.

"You're pretty handy at charms, right?" Dani asked as they walked, ignoring her question.

"Yes." Lily gripped her wand tightly just in case.

"Strong stomach?" They paused outside a double door. "You must after the amount of combat you've seen, right?"

"I suppose." Lily muttered. She certainly would have agreed prior to becoming pregnant.

"We're understaffed." Dani told her. "Or we've just got a ton more people coming in and out these days. Sometimes I can't tell. But we need help."

"My help?" Her voice rose with surprise, but excitement light under her breast, too.

"If you're willing." The mediwitch nodded. "For now, you'll have to work under my supervision, which means only when I'm not seeing people privately. There are two little spells I'll have you start with. Ferula—"

"Sets bones and minimizes pain." Lily recited without a beat of hesitation. "Has shown to improve bone healing if performed before giving a potion."

"Tergeo."

"Cleans the patient." She said with a slight shrug.

"Impressive." Dani shook her head, grinning.

"Top of my class." Lily muttered, flushing. "I'm sorry, it's sort of habit. My friends and I made a game of it."

"Oh I know!" She laughed. "I asked Dumbledore about you when it became apparent you'd be here every day regardless. He said you used to drive the professors mad interrupting their lectures."

"So we did." She giggled at the memory, shaking her hair back. "I'm happy to help."

"Then welcome to what we fondly refer to as Hell's Corner, though more commonly known as the emergency room." Dani opened the door and gestured her through. It wasn't quite hell, but it was incredibly loud and there were clusters of people everywhere. Dani moved through the chaos like a pro, seeing the order behind the madness. Lily followed, performing her two little spells as directed until she understood the pattern of how the healers moved through the patients. Eventually, Dani let her move about on her own, and Lily had to catch herself several times from performing more than the two spells she was allowed.

Dani's shift was over far too quickly from Lily's perspective, though she had little choice but to follow the mediwitch out. Dani promised to increase Lily's allowance of spells with each time in the Corner. The mediwitch was assigned there two hours each day of the working week, and occasionally more as necessary. Lily found herself agreeing to shadow each of Dani's shifts. She had to believe the work was useful. Necessary. She was genuinely helping people. And as the healers became more certain of her and her abilities, she'd be less of another body in the way and more of a true asset. It was better than sitting beside Remus' bed praying that she hadn't killed him. It was much better than sitting at home twiddling her thumbs and waiting for James to come home.

"Why are you covered in blood?"

"Hello to you, too, Alice." Lily spared the other witch half a glance, focused still on getting herself cleaned off.

"Moody said you were benched." Alice frowned. "And here you are in the hospital covered in blood."

"It's not mine." She wrinkled her nose. "I was down in Hell's Corner helping Dani."

"Why?" Alice wondered, crossing her arms. "Shouldn't you be out with James? He's going on missions with Caradoc Dearborn, you know."

"I'm aware." Lily shrugged, face heating. "Moody didn't tell you?"

"No."

"I'm pregnant." It was much easier to say now. And impossible to deny considering how much her belly had expanded over the course of the last month.

"You look it." Alice commented, running a hand over her own baby bump. "But I hope you know how disappointed I am in you."

"I'm a hypocrite, I know." Lily rolled her eyes, finally getting the last bit of gore from her clothes.

"Oh, it's not that. I just had a bet going with Frank as to why you've been sitting out recently." Alice flapped a hand at her. "I lost. He bet James had knocked you up, but I was holding out for some sort of guilt-fest over Remus. Have you seen Frank recently? I totally would have changed the bet if I'd seen you."

"I saw him two weeks ago when they released him." Lily shrugged. "I've been making rounds on all the Order members who land themselves in here. Not much else to do, really."

"Ah, well." Alice scowled. "Damn."

"Sorry?"

"Meh, whatever." She drug a second chair over to Remus' bedside and sat with a groan. "What I'm more curious to know is how did all this happen."

"I'd really think you'd know that by now." Lily quipped. "You see, when a man and a woman love each other—"

"Oh, spare me the patronizing speech." Alice laughed, shoving her lightly. "I figured that part out a while ago. Right about the time when you told me that bringing a baby into this mess was the height of stupidity."

"I never told you that." She disagreed.

"But you told James."

"Perhaps." Lily allowed with a sheepish grin. "And he agreed, mind you."

"So this was an accident."

"Basically." She made a face, looking away. "You're welcome to sneer and be condescending, you know."

"I won't." Alice snorted. "I'm not that much of a bitch. Or at least, I try not to be. I'm happy for you both, Lily. You and James will be wonderful parents."

"James'll be a great dad." Lily sighed. "I'm still not convinced I'm qualified for this."

"Lily, you're perfectly qualified to be a mother. You'll be bloody awesome."

"But I haven't done anything to prepare." She muttered, pressing her hands to her face. "We only have three bedrooms in the house, and Remus and Sirius still live with us. I have nothing to make into a nursery. I don't have any furniture for it. James and I haven't even begun discussing how we're going to parent this kid. I know we're going to have different ideas of what's acceptable and what's not. And—"

"At least you're used to arguing." Alice interrupted. "You know how to bounce back from one."

"I suppose there's that." Lily made a face.

"It doesn't help, you know." She continued. "I've been nesting a lot recently. I have the baby's room all ready. We have books to read him, blankets for him to snuggle in, and a teddy for him to sleep with. We have a list of names and just need his mum's approval before it's all finalized." Lily glanced over at her. Alice was rubbing her belly, misty-eyed and staring off to the side. "But Frank and I haven't slept in the same bed since he got home from St. Mungo's. We can barely look at each other without shouting."

"Over what?" Lily wondered, perplexed.

"This stupid war." Alice groaned, swiping away tears angrily. "He nearly died at the Ministry, Lily. I've never been so scared in my life, and he's just gone and brushed it off like it was nothing! He absolutely refuses to even consider sitting out of the fight. What if I have to raise this child alone?" Alice's voice broke over the last.

"I'm scared." Lily whispered, shifting her chair closer so she could wrap an arm around Alice's shoulders. "I know what you mean. If something happens to James, I don't know what I'll do. The only reason I want this baby is because it's his and I know he's always wanted a family."

"You have Sirius." Alice croaked. "You know he'd do anything for you. I don't have anyone other than Frank."

"So what am I?" Lily snorted, shaking her gently. "If anything happens to Frank, then I'll be right here. And Sirius will be too. And Remus if—when he gets better." She looked over at the unconscious man, chest tightening uncomfortably for a moment. He would get better. "We'll help you. The whole Order will. You know that."

"Well I do now." Alice tried for sarcasm, but it was lost as she wiped away tears hastily.

"You should have known before." Lily chided gently. "For all our spats, you are a good friend, Alice. You keep me grounded, you know."

"Someone has to." She said, grinning weakly. "Else you'd just float off into la-la land with Potter and we'd all be screwed."

"We can be pregnant and grumpy and worried and emotional together, right?"

"Right." Alice jerked her into a tight hug, which Lily returned with interest. You don't have to face this alone.

"Now, now ladies." James drawled from the doorway. "If you're going to get frisky—"

"If you finish that sentence, you're cuddling with Sirius for a week." Lily threatened, craning around to glare at her husband. "That is far too much like him for comfort."

"Didn't you know I taught him all my secrets?" Sirius followed him in, shaking his head mockingly.

"I know you shared a bed at Hogwarts for a month because you thought there was a monster under your bed." Lily said dryly, causing both men to flush.

"How—no we didn't!" James protested.

"You're joking!" Alice gasped, eyes lighting up.

"How does she know about that?"

"Play it cool, mate."

"It was a boggart!" Sirius barked, face cherry red. "And we were in second year!"

"Fourth year." Lily shook her head, grinning wickedly.

"No it was not!"

"It was fourth year." She whispered to Alice.

"It was second year!" Sirius insisted.

"And just one night." James added. "Not a month."

"A month in fourth year." She repeated. Alice was weak from laughter, tears streaming down her face for an entirely different reason now. Lily beamed, proud of herself.

"Evans." Sirius hissed, face flaming.

"What? You can dish out pranks, but you can't take them? It's not even a complete lie." She smirked at him, because Sirius' version was entirely correct.

"I hate you."

"You know you love me." Lily winked broadly.

"What have we created?" James moaned, pressing his hands to his face.

"This is all your bloody fault, Prongs."

"My fault?" He cried. "That incident was all your doing. It was under your bed, and you came barging into mine—"

"Only because Remus hexed me!" Sirius protested.

"You just keep telling yourself that." Lily teased, patting Alice on the back while she caught her breath.

"New topic." James decreed, though Sirius continued muttering under his breath about the lies she wove. "How was Hell's Corner today?"

"Bloody." She shrugged. "There was a mishap at some factory and a bunch of people got cut up pretty bad. Nothing overly serious, though."

"That's good." He conjured up another chair, parking himself beside her. "Dearborn is a snob and stakeouts are boring."

"So nothing new." Lily grinned.

"Pretty much." James glanced at Alice before looking at Remus. "Anything new here?"

"He hasn't had his afternoon sedative like usual. So this is good, or so they think."

"That's not much." Sirius growled.

"It's better." Lily said firmly. To the best of her knowledge, neither of them had seen how violent Remus could get when off sedation. She'd witnessed one episode, and hadn't forgotten it. That he could lay quietly without the calming effects of a potion was a massive improvement.

"He'll come back from it." Alice said. "I did an extra assignment on aconite poisoning for Slughorn because I was dismal at potions and desperate to pass. I learned a lot, and Remus will be perfectly fine. You might have a baby before he's able to go back out in the field, but he'll get there."

"Merlin, I hope you're right."

"That's exactly what the healers have been saying." Lily sighed, twining her fingers through James'. They lapsed into silence, each lost to their own thoughts. Lily chanced a glance at Alice and found her staring at their entwined hands. A stab of guilt passed through her. How could she flaunt their relationship in front of Alice when her own was doing so poorly?

"Mmf." It was barely a sound. But she looked to the bed anyway and found green eyes staring at her.

"Moony!" Sirius cried, leaping for the bed. "Merlin, you're awake."

"Wha—" He started coughing. Lily bolted for a glass of water while James rushed to the bedside.

"How do you feel? Are you okay?"

"Sirius, stop asking him questions."

"Both of you, I swear." Lily elbowed her way past James. "Here, Remus. Drink." She thought about the last thing she'd offered him to drink and nearly winced. "It's water."

"W-what hap-pened?" He demanded, voice little more than a croak after a month of disuse.

"Do you know your name?" She asked, remembering all the things Dani had asked her—routine questions for people who came in with head injuries.

"Yes, now—"

"Tell me your name."

"Remus Lupin, and s-s-so h-help me..." He started coughing again, wheezing as he tried to draw enough breath to speak.

"I'll get a healer." Alice said, rushing from the room.

"Just drink." Lily coaxed, trying to lift the cup to his lips. He knocked it from her hand.

"What did I do to you?" Remus growled, eyes wild with fear.

"Nothing." She whispered, pitching her voice to sooth. "Nothing at all. Please try to stay calm."

"No!"

"Mate."

"No!" He started thrashing, and Lily found herself jerked right off the bed by James. "No, no, no!"

"Moony, mate, it's alright." Sirius insisted, trying and failing to hold him down. "She's fine."

"She can't be!" Remus' voice broke.

"She is." James pressed, grabbing Remus' shoulder. "Lily's fine. You didn't do anything to her."

"No..." All of hell was in his expression. "There...there was a cage, a-and..." He shuddered all over. Lily pressed her hands to her mouth, aching for him.

"Remus, it's okay." She whispered, staying at the foot of the bed. Out of range in case he started flailing around. "I promise."

"No."

"I can prove it to you." Lily took a step forward. "If you'll let me. If you'll stay still enough." He stilled abruptly, eyes wide. His hand trembled in hers when she lifted it and pressed his hand to her stomach where the baby was kicking. "Feel him? We're okay, Remus."

"He knew, too?" James hissed quietly.

"Lily." Tears gathered in Remus' eyes.

"It's okay." She repeated. "You've been sick for a while. A month, actually."

"Moon?"

"Tomorrow." Lily answered. "I'll be long gone. We're not trying that again, okay?"

"You're okay?"

"Yeah." Even she was getting misty-eyed. "And you're going to be okay, too." Despite the worried looks that James and Sirius shared over their heads, Lily let him drag her close. She held Remus as he shivered, glad that her baby had picked a convenient time to make himself known. How could they have calmed him down if she hadn't felt the baby's kicks? Relief dragged on her limbs. Alice was right. Everything was going to be okay.

Remus' arms went slack after a few moments. Lily laid him gently on the pillows, arranging the blanket over him neatly. He was back out, oblivious to the world. They took a collective sigh, and Lily rose to wrap her arms around her husband.

"That was good." Sirius muttered, staring down at Remus.

"Let's just hope he remembers it." Lily sighed.

"What?"

"I had the same conversation with Dani three times, according to her. Took until the third for me to remember it, though."

"Shit." Sirius groaned, running his hands through his hair.

"Language."

"Merlin, Lily. Give a man a break sometimes!"

"You need to get used to it before the baby arrives." She warned him for the hundredth time. Sirius had a few more rude words to say, though this time, Lily just rolled her eyes at him. James squeezed her shoulders gently, pressing a soft kiss to her temple. He shared her relief. She closed her eyes for just a moment. Everything is going to be just fine.

"Mrs. Potter, it truly is a pleasure to see you." Dumbledore said, leaning forward against his desk with his fingers laced together.

"It's wonderful to see you as well." She grinned, glancing around the familiar office. It looked no different than the last time she'd been inside.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of your company?"

"James and I talked to Moody a few days ago." Lily started, guessing that Dumbledore already knew of their second attempt to convince him to allow her access to Order business. "He's still pretty firm about not needing my help with paperwork, and I hate feeling so useless."

"Dani tells me you're doing wonderful work at St. Mungo's." Dumbledore said, not giving away any bit of the thoughts behind his serene expression.

"And I enjoy it, don't get me wrong." She nodded. "But I feel like I'm only cleaning up the mess behind the war. I'm not doing anything to help stop it. And I'm not asking for missions. I'm not asking you to contest Moody's decision to keep me from the paperwork side of things. But we brought back a lot of books. Surely you could use help going through them all. Or anything you need researched. I have more than enough time to read."

"Mrs. Potter, I appreciate the offer; however, I am afraid I have very little I can offer to you."

"The books?" She repeated, trying not to sound as desperate as she felt. "If you'll just tell me what you're looking for…"

"I'm afraid that is the difficulty." Dumbledore said solemnly. "It is not knowledge you should ever be privy to. Those books contain the darkest of magics. I would not have you taint your soul by researching magic that is beyond sanity."

"What of protective magics?" She wondered, grasping at straws. She needed more than two hours of entertainment during the day. "We have the Fidelius Charm, but what if there's something better? I'm good at charms, and that's certainly not something that will taint anything. Right? I mean, the Fidelius Charm is good, and we may not need anything better; but what if there is something better? I wouldn't be wasting time researching it, because I wouldn't be doing anything else anyway. It's not a bad idea."

"Perhaps you are right." He regarded her closely over his half-moon spectacles, gaze penetrating enough that she almost squirmed with discomfort. "I will send books to you, Mrs. Potter; but I must ask that you take caution with your travels. I would not wish harm to befall your child." A grin blossomed across his face as he rose. "After all, without life there cannot be hope."

"So I've heard." Lily returned his smile as best she could, still befuddled as to why everyone else was so enamored with her pregnancy.

"Go home." Dumbledore commanded gently, ushering her towards the fireplace. "I will send you books there."

"Thanks." Lily took a handful of floo powder and tossed it in the fire. It whisked her off, and she tried her best to throttle annoyance. She'd known that Dumbledore would likely be reluctant to give her any amount of work. Moody was a fly buzzing in everyone's ear that she couldn't be trusted to stay home. She thought she'd been behaving herself beautifully, venturing out of the house only to go to St. Mungo's. But now that Remus' recovery was gaining speed, Lily didn't have as much reason to spend every waking moment at his bedside. He'd be home in a few weeks anyway, and then she'd just be going to St. Mungo's for maybe two hours a day to help Dani in the emergency room. And eventually, Dani wouldn't want her doing that for her pregnancy!

"How's Dani?" Sirius asked as she brushed ash from her clothes.

"Same as usual, I guess." Lily shrugged, stealing the second half of his toast. "I went to see Dumbledore."

"About what?" He wondered suspiciously.

"Research." She sat with a groan, resting her head on the back of the couch. "Moody's very absolute that I won't get any Order paperwork, and I'm going mad being so useless. They won't let me in the Corner if Dani's not there, and her hours are getting cut back in favor of private appointments."

"Don't hate on Moody too much."

"Why not?" She grumbled petulantly. "I'm not that stupid."

"You've proven yourself to be plenty rash, Potter. Or shall I trot out the number of times you've done stupid things over Prongs?"

"Going after James is different." Lily wrinkled her nose at him. "If something happens to James, then I'm not promising to be rational. I won't sit on this couch no matter how pregnant I am if his life is truly in danger. Remember, Black, I know what it feels like to be captive."

"And what I am, chopped liver?" He snorted. "I would find Prongs and bring him home safe. You keep the baby nice and cozy on the couch."

"I love you, Sirius, and I trust you more than anyone but James. However, you are utterly mad if you think I'd let you go alone."

"Let me?" Sirius repeated skeptically. "Woman—"

"I missed something." James surmised, appearing in the doorway.

"You can never just say 'hello', can you?" Lily snorted, rising anyway to greet him. She looked him over carefully, prodding him a few times to make sure he wasn't hiding bruises.

"Hello, Lily." He said obediently, catching her waist and kissing her softly. "You are looking gorgeous today. Now what did I miss?"

"An argument about a hypothetical time in which you need rescuing." She shrugged, shooting a glare over her shoulder at Sirius. He narrowed his eyes in response.

"Let's just agree that I won't need rescuing." James said lightly.

"Fair enough." She rose on her toes to kiss him again. "Hungry?"

"Starving."

"I'll get it." Sirius vaulted to his feet, making a dash for the kitchen.

"I'm pregnant, not infirm." Lily snapped. It had been cute the first time he'd leapt up to do something in her place because of her pregnancy. Now, it was getting ridiculous. "I'm perfectly capable of cooking, now sit your ass down."

"But—"

"Now."

"She's a little cranky." Sirius muttered to James, slinking from the kitchen.

"You don't have to baby her."

"Traitor!"

"I'm simply behaving myself!" James called back, settling at the table. "Now feed me, wench."

"You want to reconsider that statement, buddy?" Lily snorted, shaking her head at her husband.

"Love you, Lils."

"Terrible save." She kept her back to him so he couldn't see her grin. "How was Dearborn?"

"An ass." James answered with a sigh. "You know, it's remarkably boring to sit and chat about weather for five hours while waiting for something to happen."

"Quidditch?" She offered, twisting to look at him. "Surely he's got to have something to say about that."

"Stupid things." He muttered with a scowl. "Had that talk last week."

"I'm sure I don't want to know." Lily turned back to the stove. "You haven't been out flying recently."

"Preoccupied."

"Flying usually helps with that, doesn't it?" A few jabs with her wand got the onions and peppers chopping themselves. She leaned against the counter trying to judge James' expression.

"Yeah." He agreed hesitantly, staring at the table. His eyes were narrowed behind his glasses, and though his brow wasn't quite pulled together, he gave off the air of a man frowning. Lily blew out her breath, leaving him to brood. She cooked the rest of the meal without using magic, comforted by the familiar routine.

"I saw Dumbledore today." She said after a few minutes of silence, eyes on the cooking vegetables rather than his reaction. "Looking for something to do since Moody is being unreasonable."

"What sort of work?"

"Research." She shrugged. "Someone's got to look through those books we found, right?"

"I didn't even think of that." James muttered. "Is that what you're going to do? I can clear my shit out of the office if you'll be using it more."

"Language, Potter; but yes, that would actually be nice. I won't be reading those books specifically. Dumbledore said he didn't want me tainted by reading about dark magic."

"That's actually…good of him." James sounded faintly surprised. "We had a few of those books at the mansion just from owning them for years. Dad always told me that reading them could change a man. He never did because of what happened to his father after he poked around with them."

"Use logic why don't you." Lily muttered under her breath.

"Lils, I'm not joking. Grandpa was mad. And I'm talking real madness, not just a little strange."

"I'm just frustrated." She shook her head impatiently. "I know you're right, and Dumbledore's perfectly right, too. He's going to send me books on protective charms to sift through. I mean, the Fidelius Charm is good, and I'm not expecting to find anything better. But I'm not exactly going to be wasting time by researching when I wouldn't have done anything else anyway."

"No, that's good." James nodded. "Don't get caught up in trying to find something better than the Fidelius Charm. It doesn't have to be that big and flashy. Even little charms can be put into layers to make a shield that's really strong."

"I didn't think of that." She admitted. "Little charms."

"Even small things we could cast to make our stake outs safer. That's real, useful stuff. Dearborn and I were talking along those lines the other day actually."

"I'll let you know what I find." Lily shot him a smile. James certainly had a point, but beneath it was a sense that he was just humoring her. Even though he was genuine, it felt a little patronizing. But what else am I going to do? Until someone can convince Moody to let me have a hand in reading reports, it's this or sit around doing nothing more than cooking meals.

James and Sirius swapped stories of missions over dinner, and James shamelessly told him everything that had been discussed at the last Order meeting. Lily listened intently, too, as much on the outside as Sirius now. The news wasn't great. Vance had gone missing, and they had suspicions that Listerman had been hit by the Imperius Curse on his last mission. Thankfully, neither knew the location of Headquarters. A mixed-blood family had been found dead around their dining room table with no marks or evidence of poisoning. Two aurors had been killed during a raid. Three more Ministry employees were suspected of working for Voldemort, but it was uncertain if their action were their own or if Voldemort controlled them.

Frank Longbottom spent the last two nights sleeping at Headquarters because he was tired of fighting with his wife. Alice wanted him off missions entirely. Frank wasn't having it. Peter's mother was declining steadily, and he was too distraught about it to come over to the house for dinner on Sunday. He didn't want them visiting his mother, either. Marlene had finally broken things off with her muggle boyfriend, and had "strong words" about Lily's pregnancy. James refused to say what those words were and whether her opinion was good or bad.

The conversation veered off topic after that—another debate on Quidditch tactics and the respective importance of chasers and seekers. Lily rolled her eyes at the boys, rising to clear the dishes. She set the kitchen to clean itself, retreating to pen a few letters. She thanked Molly Weasley for her housekeeping tips and begged for tricks to keep herself sane through the pregnancy. She asked after the multitude of children they had, remembering the names only through a previous letter. She wrote to Marlene, asking for specifics of her opinion of the pregnancy, good or bad.

Lily spent several minutes staring at a blank piece of parchment. She and Alice had been exchanging nearly daily letters since their talk at Remus' bedside. It was truly wonderful having someone to share the trials and tribulations of pregnancy with. But rage practically breathed off the letter Lily had received from her today. She'd known all about Frank not coming home long before James brought the news back from today's meeting. How could she respond to Alice's frustration without making Alice angry with her? Could she tell Alice that she agreed with Frank? Did she truly believe it was right for the men to not lay down arms until their women were closer to term? Lily pressed her hands to her face.

"Lily?" James tapped on the door, leaning around it to find her in the dark office. "Can we talk?"

"Can we not start with that phrase? That's ominous." She swiveled around to look at him, catching his ghost of a grin.

"I don't want to start a fight." He sighed, stepping in to take a seat before the desk. "But it's not an easy topic, I think."

"I'm worried." Lily said flatly, propping her chin in her hands. "Start talking, Potter." He snorted out a laugh, ruffling his hair. He spent a moment staring at the floor before dragging his gaze up to her.

"I don't want us to fall apart." James started. "Not like Frank and Alice. I want you to tell me the truth. Do you want me to stop going on missions?"

"Would you stop if I asked?" She frowned.

"Don't ask me that." He snapped, leaning forward. "Just tell me. Is that what you want?"

"I can't… I can't answer that, James." Lily pushed away from the desk, turning her back to him.

"Lily."

"You should know the answer!" She whirled back around, voice rising. "Of course I want you to stop! I worry about you every day, James. How could I not? I'm not doubting Dearborn's capabilities, but he's not me. He can't protect you like I can." He was good, very good, at controlling his expression. James didn't flinch or explode at her outburst. He met her gaze steadily. "I love you, James. It would kill me to lose you. Especially with this child of our brewing."

"Okay."

"No, it's not okay!" Lily shouted, throwing her hands up. "I'm not Alice, James. I'm not asking you to stop going, because I'm not that selfish. Or at least I don't want to be. The Order needs you. More than I do, really. They don't need both of us sitting around this house being useless. They don't need you doing paperwork to please my selfish desires! Do I want you going on missions, James? No! No, I bloody well don't want you to go. But I'm not asking you to stop doing what you think is right. Relationships are about compromise—"

"Are they?" He interrupted. "Because I don't seem to be doing much of that right now. Yes, Lily, they're desperately short on aurors, but that's my argument for doing what I want! That's not compromise. You're suffering for my mistake."

"It takes two, Potter, or do I need to give you a lesson in how to make a baby?" Lily crossed her arms, glaring at him. "I'm not having this fight with you."

"I don't want this to be a fight." James snapped impatiently. "But I don't want you to resent me for risking my life just because the Order needs me. I'd rather keep our marriage intact than end up joining Frank on a couch at Headquarters because you can't stand to look at me."

"Our marriage is fine." Lily said flatly. "If you even think about joining Frank, then we'll have a problem. If you want to keep going on missions; if you think that's what you need to do, then go. This isn't an ideal world, James. We're losing this war."

"No—"

"We are, James!" She shouted, finally voicing the fears that were at the root of everything. "We're losing. We haven't gained any ground for months. The only reason Voldemort didn't win is because Snape gave us half a hint. But it was just one, and there haven't been any more. We have to do whatever it takes. And if that means you're putting your life on the line, then who am I to stop you? I love you because you're brave and strong and a damn good auror. I'm not going to force you onto the sidelines, because we made a mistake. I'm not Alice."

"We're not going to lose." But in his voice was defeat. The words lacked the heat and strength they needed to be believable. James rose, stepping around the desk to grab her shoulders. "We'll find a way, Lily."

"I know." She agreed because it was easier than arguing. But there was a lead weight in her chest; echoed in James' eyes. He kissed her softly, accepting her agreement without another word. Her heart was heavy, but what else could she do?

She left her letter to Alice until the middle of the night when she couldn't sleep. For once, she wrote as if she were writing an entry into a journal; pouring out her fears and conflicting desires onto the page. She couldn't bring herself to ask James to sit out with her even if it was what she wanted most. She begged Alice to understand; to realize the situation was bigger than them both. Desperate times called for desperate measures, and not all assignments were life-threatening.