GOD SAVE THE ESTEEM
Episode 37: CSI Don't Care
"I NEVER thought I'd SAY this, but the GRADES on these tests were MIRACULOUSLY above my low expecTAtions."
"Everyone must have spelt their names correctly," Jane told Daria.
The teacher stalked through the classroom, handing up papers as if they were dead rats taken from a CDC experiment. (Or how a normal person would handle those rats, since he'd have crammed them up the football team's collective nostrils) The students went over their results, congratulating themselves or feeling bad or staring with glazed eyes as they thought about boobs instead. Speaking of boobs, Kevin was cheering at his results and Brittany took a look.
"Kevvy, what's that Adoing on your paper?"
Daria sat bolt upright.
DeMartino grinned a grin that didn't reach his eyes. "Why, BRITTANY, that's the most INTELLIGENT question you've asked ALL YEAR!"
"Thanks!"
"KEVIN?"
"Uh, I got an A because… I got a 100?"
"That's RIGHT, Kevin. In fact, ALMOST the enTIRE football team, despite repeated CRANIAL TRAUMA and a chronic INability to solve the maze on a CEREAL box, got a hundred. Only Mr MaCKENZINE got a B."
"But I thought youwere the smart one?" Brittany asked the stoic, burning-with-rage Mack.
"ForGIVE me my suspicions, but it's OBVIOUS that someone – KEVIN - got a HOLD of the test BEFOREhand – KEVIN - which would ACCOUNT for the JIMMIED LOCK on my filing cabinet – KEVIN! Perhaps you'd like to SHARE with us your INSIGHT into this?"
"But Mr D, I didn't tell Jimmy to do anything!"
Daria turned to Jane, worried. "Was he just sarcastic? Because I don't think I could handle the prospect."
"I think that if you DIDN'T steal the test YOURSELF, then YOU know who DID," growled DeMartino, staring down Kevin in attempt to make his head explode like in Scanners. "AND is it not true that YOU needed an "A" to get off academic PROBATION?"
"Take the fifth!" called out a player.
"Whoa, I didn't steal the fifth either!" said Kevin.
"You know," Daria said to Jane, "if you listen to him while thinking he's really being cuttingly sarcastic under the guise of idiocy… he still makes no sense."
"I WOULD threaten to give EVERYONE an F unless the guilty party came FORWARD, but this RANCID PIT you've made of a school is on a KNIFE-EDGE and can't afford ANOTHER academic scandal! SO! Instead, there's ANOTHER test tomorrow and I'll be looking VERY suspiciously at anyone with WILDLY DIFFERENT results… and anyone I JUST DON'T LIKE."
"Got Kevin coming and going," muttered Jane.
Everything was pretty much normal at the Morgendorffer house:
"Damn wussy so-called client! Scared of a little fire and piercings! 'But we're a religious bookstore', meh meh meh!"
"-now listen, you don't say anything to the pigs until I get there – no, calling them pigs is fine-"
"Damn it, Daria did it to me again! This fucking book doesn't have any punks in it, just a bunch of Victorian guys!"
"Has anyone seen my earplugs?" (This last one was Erin, very desperate)
Daria walked in and everyone turned to look, especially Quinn ("YOU FUCKING BITCH!").
"Hey kiddo, how was your day?"
Daria shrugged. "Fine. I heard a new voice inside my head and Kevin stole a test, so we all have to do another one."
"That stinks, kiddo! Unless you like tests. You don't like tests, right? I didn't miss anything?"
"I'll get you for this, sis! I'm still pissed about Neee-urro-manker!"
Daria trudged up to her room, while Erin, alone among the unwashed, asked: "Daria, you were just kidding about the voice, right?"
"Yes we were."
Tom arrived later on, bemused to find the house shuddering under the sound of Radiohead from Quinn's room. Daria explained that her sister was trying to punish her by playing the music she hated the most.
"But you like Radio- oh, I see."
"So how was your day with the other Alphas?"
"Well, you remember I told you about the Morgue, the semi-secret website where ex-students have put up old class notes for the current students to use? The one that allows anyone to coast to a gentlemen's C? The site went down and we had to take our own notes for a change. You should have been at Fielding today, it was like everyone's grandmother had died. How about you?"
"It was fine. I heard a new voice inside my head and Kevin stole a test, so we all have to do another one."
"What's this one say?"
"It tells me to set things on fire."
"Well that's just common sense. And hey, do you still hear anything from the voice Jezebel…?"
There was a brief and horrible moment at the Morgendorffer house when the Radiohead CD finished and Daria's room could be heard from again, but Helen thought fast and cranked up the Dead Kennedy's as high as they'd go.
Kevin parked his jeep in the school parking lot, wondering again why he'd been asked to meet in this dark, isolated area where nobody would ever go at night. What could you do there?
"He-llooooo? Can we do this quickly, because Brit said her headache wouldn't go away unless I bought tickets to Hearts In Unison and I've bought them and that means I gotta get to Brittany's in time or she'll be angry and I'll have to watch the film by myself to, like, get a return on my interestment, and I'd look wussy and not get any- Oh, there you are.
"Awwww man, you wanted to play golf? No offence bro, but that's-"
Kevin soon stopped talking, but unfortunately this was because of a violent crime rather than the act of a benevolent God.
When the first staff arrived at Lawndale High, they did not find Kevin's unconscious body because that was nine hours later and he'd come to & gone to hospital at that point. Sending a threatening message is a tricky business.
An emergency faculty meeting was held before the start of school. The Superintendent was on the line and Steve had swept the staff room for bugs. (Well, he'd looked for a second and claimed he saw none) The meeting was then delayed for five minutes when Ms Onepu had a panic attack over a student being hurt – "WE'VE FAILED THEM OH GOD I'VE FAILED hihhhhhh" – and had to be calmed down.
"There is a, ah, extra concern here," said Principal O'Neill, wringing his hands. "The police are questioning poor Kevin and will be making an investigation, but… ah… well, not to be a downer but-"
"If the assault had anything to do with this school, the resulting scandal could murder all our jobs," said Superintendent Pascal, broadcast by speaker phone like the voice of a particularly sub par god. "If the police investigate, that scandal is triggered. I can pull strings and have them delay that investigation."
"What do we do during that delay?" asked Coach Nikahd.
"Work every angle, call every favour, and suck every genital possible to ensure our individual careers will survive the fall of Lawndale High."
"Oh. I thought you were going to say something about us looking into things. Y'know, trying to find out information on the quiet since we know all the students and-"
"What? No! That's stupid. People might hear you're doing it!"
"What if a student did it?" asked Coach Sherman.
"That's even stupider."
"No, no, hear Tommy Sherman out, I read this book once about these students that looked into this crime and then called in the police once they had all the evidence, and… and their dad was involved too but we don't have to do that-"
"Was this The Hardy Boys?" asked Ms Defoe.
"No," lied Sherman.
"I am not going to dignify this conversation with further responses," said Pascal (which is a Catch-22 comment really) and then hung up.
"So, um… What does everyone think?" asked O'Neill.
"Nancy Drew was the better detective but of course, the men get all the attention," said Barch.
"I THINK Tommy's idea is UTTERLY idiotic and FLAWED in EVERY detail," said DeMartino, "BUT we either do THAT or we ALL become UNEMPLOYED."
Daria was called into the staff room and the situation explained to her. She nodded at the right intervals and then said: "I can think of fifteen reasons for why this is a horrible idea."
"Don't see none of you with a better one," muttered Sherman.
"But since this is great leverage for getting out Gym for the rest of the month, I'll do it anyway. I'll need access to school files and records, in case there's any evidence there, and I want permission to bring in a partner."
"Why a PARTNER?"
"Investigating requires talking to people."
The teachers agreed she needed a partner.
Daria chose Cindy – one of the smartest people in school, the most popular girl in school (even Cindy didn't seem clear how this had happened), and someone Daria knew had no prior beef with Kevin. She cornered Cindy after a lesson and explained the situation.
"Any questions?"
Cindy opened her mouth.
"Any questions that don't involve how this makes any sense."
Cindy closed her mouth.
"Alright. I'm going to do some research and then call on you again. We have three days to do something-"
"Um, Daria, I haven't actually agreed to do this."
"Look, it'll be easy: I'll find nothing, you can also find nothing, we go home. We're untrained amateurs looking for specific hay in a haystack and all because the staff are going nuts, the chances that there's any point to this are smaller than Upchuck's sense of dignity."
"Then why are you doing this?" asked Cindy.
"I get out of Gym."
Cindy thought about this. "Can I get out of Gym too?"
"I guess."
"I'm in."
During second period Gym – epic win!– Daria was able to go to the staff room and, under Steve's watchful guidance, had a hush-hush look at the student records. Allegedly this was for evidence, actually she'd made this up so she could look at the test results for various students and have a big ol' laugh.
Ha. Ha. Ha. H- whoa, Shaggy has a real name. Ha. Ha. H- Wait, what? Huh, didn't expect that. How about… huh. And- huh. Huh. SHIT.
"Whoa," said Steve, staring at Daria. "Your face just expressed something. What's wrong?"
"I actually found some evidence. Now I'll have to actually do something."
Steve put a consoling hand on her shoulder. "Yeah, I know that feeling. Tough break, man."
Cindy was talking with some popular kids from her class when Daria came to her. The girl headed off to talk to her, and Daria could hear Joey saying, "it's so nice of her to do charity work!".
"We may have to do some work after all. I had a look at the records-"
"I don't think that's legal."
"-and I saw this strange thing. I saw that over the past few weeks, a number of our more consistent-with-a-capital-C-Minus students have been doing better at tests. Not suspiciously better, C Pluses and the occasional B Minus. It looks like they studied. And that means something suspicious is going on, because we're dealing with people who couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery because it would involve physical labour.
"And that's just the students that have this regularly. There may be others with little blips here and there. I got bored looking, to be honest. I thought this could be grade fixing again except that would require the entire faculty to be in on it and DeMartino fixing jock grades? As likely as the Taliban reading The God Delusion."
Cindy digested all this, and said: "Couldn't you have led with 'someone is getting the test answers illicitly' and then filled in the rest if I asked for it? No offence, Daria, but fully half of that speech could've been cut."
"You have the gist of it," said Daria. (Jane would sound impressed… thought Daria's wounded ego.) "Now, I haven't heard of this before and I don't think you have either. The scores are only slightly up, which means they're only giving out some answers to avoid suspicion. Whoever is doing this is smart, which is good because that means there's only about seven students it could possibly be. If this was a half-assed conspiracy, we could be here all month.
"You're popular and you know the jocks. I need you to ask around, see who their contact is. I'll make my own enquiries."
"You're going to ask your sister?" asked Cindy.
"I didn't say that."
"Well, um, no offence, but you do kinda, sorta, only know Jane and your sister, so-"
"I don't see this relationship working out too well. No offence."
"You came to me-"
"Yes, I'm going to ask Quinn."
Quinn and her gang were mooching around some vending machines, kicking them because they were there and the gang was pretty sure that's what gangs had to do to vending machines.
"Quinn, don't be scared, but I'm going to ask you a question about learning," said Daria.
"What's that got to do with anything?" asked one of the teenagers at a school.
"I think someone's offering the answers to upcoming tests-" She saw the whole gang lean forward, interested. "-and that answers my question about whether you've heard anything. Bye."
"Sis, wait!" cried out Quinn. "You're sure about this? Because we don't know but we can find out!"
"How?"
That threw Quinn a bit. "Uh… We can, I dunno, jump out of cars and hit people? They do that on TV to learn things."
"Yeah, but that's what the pigs do, Killer," pointed out Shane.
"Okay, true, but sometimes you have to fight pigs with pigs!"
Daria walked away from the debate as fast as she could, thinking so whoever's doing this is being selective about how they deal with. Sadly, it's all up to Cindy now…
An intelligent, sneaky person that was hip to Lawndale's social interactions and rules would know how to play this investigation. They'd find one of the suspects, integrate themselves using their own rep and popularity, make up a story, spin it out a bit, offer something to something while intending nothing.
But Cindy had become Queen Bee because everyone else in the running had poisoned so many wells that the county was importing bottled water from another country. So she just went up to Joey and said:
"Hey, Joey, do you know the guy who gives out test results?"
"Oh, sure Cindy! I get them from Mohammed."
This method is completely insecure but does mean Cindy has a lot more free time than Sandi ever did.
Daria got Mohammed to come to a spare classroom during lunch after she threatened to hang out with him.
"You know Cindy, she's my witness; you know Quinn here, she's for my protection. Now, Mohammed, there's a few questions I need to-"
Quinn immediately dived on the man and began pummelling him.
"QUINN!"
"Well that's how they do it in Baltimore!" she spat back.
"No, that's how they do it on The Wire- okay, yes, that's exactly how they really do it in Baltimore but don't hit him."
"Come on, sis, you're messing with the Good Pig Bad Pig routine-"
"Wait, why am I the good cop here? When have I ever been-"
"I'll talk, I'll talk, just stop going on about things!" cried out Mohammed in despair, and had to repeat himself twice before the Morgendorffers would stop arguing.
"Okay. Mohammed. A few questions I saw that Quinn about this test fixing thing."
"What, you want to cheat? Because that's messed up, the brains wanting to cheat."
"Actually, do you have Geography?" asked Cindy.
"A few questions. The first is why-"
"Money," said Quinn.
"I'm asking him-"
"Yeah, but it will be money," said Cindy.
"Yeah, for real," said Mohammed.
"I'm going mad here. Fine. Question two: how do you get the tests out of the staff room?"
He shrugged. "Just go in when nobody's there, and really quickly."
"I see. No accomplices?"
"Nah."
"I see. I was sure you would do. Because-"
"Wait a minute!" said Cindy. "None of the teachers keep their tests in the staff room! You'd know that if you were actually stealing them! You're covering for someone!"
"You've just ruined my entire planned delivery," said Daria.
"Oh. Sorry. You didn't tell me where you were going with this."
Jesus wept. "I am getting so confused that I am in danger of forgetting why we are all here anyway. So let's get through this quickly-"
"He'll talk quicker if I hit him," said Quinn.
"Shut up. So, Mohammed: you've worked as the organiser of the student bets, you run the roller hockey pool. You make sense as the front man and dealer of these tests." Daria leaned in, trying to ignore how Quinn was also leaning forward and scowling. "But you didn't steal them. So someone else runs this and you're covering. Who?"
"Hey, Daria, snitches get stitches!" said Quinn.
"Sis, did you forget why we're here in the first place?"
"Uhhhh… you asked me to?"
"Good enough. Mohammed, please answer so we can all get out of here."
"One of the guards," said Mohammed, all attempts at loyalty and anti-snitchery collapsing at the thought of getting the fuck outta here. "The one they call Beef Stew, cos his name's Stewart and-"
"His farts smell like cows?"
"That's right," he said with awe. "How?"
"It's the security guards, they are an uncomplicated folk." Daria unleaned and continued to ignore Quinn, on general principle. "Okay, a guard would know how to pick locks without anyone noticing and they have a reason to check out empty classrooms. But he's not the brains. He can't be, he's one of our guards."
"Can I go now? You promised-"
"Sure. Cindy wrote down everything you said."
"I was to what now?" asked Cindy.
Daria resisted the urge to bite down on her own fist and go 'aaaaaarg', even when Quinn pointed at her and laughed.
When it came to Beef Stew, Daria went through her plan with Cindy and Quinn first. Then two more times with Quinn to make sure she'd paid attention. The security guard, lean and mean and wearing green socks so bright that they drew an unprepared eye down to his feet every time, was called in. He stared at then, sullen and silent.
"So you know why you're here and you're not saying anything about your employer," said Daria. "A man of the old school. I'd respect that except that would require the old school to have not sucked. Here's the thing, you're going to talk. Know why?"
Pause. Glare at Quinn, who remembered this was her bit.
"So if you don't fucking talk, you're going to-"
"That's what you say later, when- Okay, I'm missing lunch, I give up. You tell me exactly who you work for because if the school can't solve the Kevin Thompson hit, it closes, all the guards lose their job, and I will personally ensure they know you were involved and said nothing."
"They won't believe you," said Beef Stew.
"I said I'd ensure. Cindy's the one telling them."
"Hi there!" said Cindy at her most perkiest, adorableness radiating from every pore.
"OH GOD NO! I'LL TALK!"
"I'll tell you why!" snarled Quinn, slamming her fist down. "Because if the school can't-"
"We covered that, Quinn. When the sounds come out of moving mouths, you're supposed to listen."
"Fuck that."
"Do you still want me to talk?" asked Stew.
"Sure, why not?"
"It was that blonde girl, Tori Jello."
"Jericho." Daria grinned the grin of someone who didn't know how you grinned but had seen a photo of a grin once. "Of course. Now then, friend: you know who hit Kevin Thompson?"
Patient silence, before: "Oh, sorry, I thought you were going to tell me."
"Can I hit Tori Jericho?" asked Quinn. "Please?"
Tori Jericho was not only a popular girl, she was a font of gossip and social trivia and kept an in-depth record of how popular (or not) any given student was. And she'd crossed Daria twice now, so Daria said: "Maybe."
"I think I've got this," said Cindy. "Tori is smart, at least at some things, and is certainly well organised; only popular kids had better grades, nobody else; and… did we have another reason why it had to be her?"
"None I could print," said Daria. "So, we know Tori heads this racket. Even Quinn could work out why Kevin was hit now."
"Er… shit, it'll come to me… um… because he…" The lights went on in Quinn's eyes, albeit a sputtering little ember. "OH! Kevin was stealing tests himself! Muscling in on her turf! He had to get cut! I mean hit! Is that it?" she asked hopefully.
"Yes, that'll do. And that's the one problem: Tori can't have hit Kevin. She'd be compromising herself. And she'd have to do some actual work."
"Kevin was hit in the parking lot, he wouldn't turn up unless the attacker was someone he knew, right?" asked Cindy.
"That narrows it down some. Can't be someone he knows too well though, Tori needed someone she knew wouldhit him. And one that made sure he went to the hospital and not the morgue-"
The lights of a thermonuclear airburst went off in Daria's eyes.
"The Morgue went offline yesterday."
"Shit, so do you have to fill in a form to hand over a dead guy or what?" asked Quinn.
"I have to check with a contact. Cindy, Quinn, do you know anyone in another school?"
"Fuck yeah, Death Rowe's in Oakwood-"
"Someone else?"
"Hey, guys!" Steve called into the staff room. "The entire Maleficent Eleven just left school grounds-"
The teachers cheered, punched the air, and hugged each other.
"You think the Morgue's been hijacked?" Tom had taken the call and made Daria very happy by understanding the situation without interrupting her, pointing out flaws, or being Quinn. "It's a cunning plan. Take it away from the public, then provide access to all the notes for a fee – and at this school, that's a big fee in the same way the Grand Canyon is a big hole."
"Someone will be acting as Tori's front," said Daria. "Find out who."
"It has to be someone with clout, if they can neutralise the Morgue and not get beaten up. I may need to bring in other people in this. In which case, I'd like to be called the Something Something Irregulars-"
"Oppressive Bourgeoisie Irregulars."
"Sold."
The Dirty Decade – previously the Dirtiest Dozen before Flip had been expelled and Bruiser Mofo had converted to Buddhism – were lounging with malicious intent in the Oakwood High car park. Feral in hoodies and piercings and home-made tattoos declaring Thug Life, Westside, Mum, and Bring Back 'The Middleman', the group made sure to spit in unison when a teacher was looking.
"Yeah, showed her, yo-"
"Yeah, motherfucker!"
"Aight!"
"Rather!"
Big Dee looked at Noticeably S.H.O.R.T. with long-suffering patience. "You still ain't got it down, man."
Noticeably, born Quentin Bryce-Featherington II, looked down. "I know, but I'm trying."
"Yo, yo, hold up, Mal-El!" called out Black Guy, the only person in the whole gang who wasn't whiter than an albino klansman rally. "Mal-El!"
"That's not Superman, bitch! That's Killer and her crew!"
"He said Mal – oh, fuck it," said Big Dee, grabbing the nearest weapon (a maths textbook). "Killer! You're off yo turf!"
"Don't get your panties in a wash, fucknuts, we're just here to talk."
Then Quinn headbutted him and the whole Eleven attacked, because if they hadn't done that the Decade would've felt insulted.
"You are asking me to talk to both the Tops and the swim team for no reward," said Astrid Magnus, folding her arms. "This is a bad sales pitch, Thomas. I want compensation."
"No, Astrid. I've told you before-"
"Nobody needs to know. It can be our secret."
"No. Not again. Never again. If Daria found out-"
"Let us be clear, Master Sloane, if I do not agree to this, you have to talk to Sue Bee."
"Fine. Fine." Tom looked around, hoping nobody had heard the conversation. "Tomorrow night."
He'd known from the start that he'd cave, but damn it, couldn't Astrid find someone else – anyone else – to play Disco Rock Band with?
Quinn's call came in, sounding breathless: "Right! We've proven I'm fucking awesome and found something out: they've got a test cheat racket starting here too, yeah? Etan O'Malley, the one in the football team who, er, does the running… thing… Yeah, that twat, he's the front! We're gonna hit him to find stuff! Then we'll go hit people at Lawrenceville!"
"I don't think we need to check another school."
"…oh, right, we can do that at Lawrenceville too."
Daria hung up in an attempt to escape.
Tom called in soon after: "I've got some feelers coming back from my contacts, and yes I do just mean Pat, Terry, and Astrid. Word's gone out to some of the key sports teams and popular people: someone is offering access to the Morgue for a price. Here's the cunning bit, the front men aren't untouchables, they're some of the computer nerds claiming they're trying to get the site back. The way they tell it, someone at Lawndale High is behind this and is making demands to them; they're go-betweens for the go-betweens, claiming to be secretly working against them…"
"When they actually helped bring the Morgue down so they can make their old tormentors suffer. I like the sound of them. Let's leave them be when we shut this down."
"The contact is some guy I don't remember. His name is Charles, I think."
"Must be a fake name." Daria turned to Cindy, who'd been reading a book since she had nothing to do. "Cindy, there's another contact here but they're using a fake name, 'Charles'. Ever heard that nickname?"
"Not ringing a bell. Hmmm… Charles, Charles…" Cindy frowned. "Hey, isn't Upchuck's real name Charles?"
"…in fairness to me and Tom, it is legitimately hard to not view 'Upchuck' as his real name. He embodies it so well."
The Rollerboys of Lawrenceville rollerbladed towards the Eleven as one, but were undone when the punks just pushed them backwards and they lost balance.
Cindy drew Upchuck up to the school roof by being… well, a girl who was cute and nice. It was not something that required much effort. (Though she did smile at him, something that hadn't happened since he'd been kicked in the groin in view of a girl)
Daria cut off his retreat once he was on the roof, and snapped her fingers to summon the hulking form of Bob the Punk.
"Bob here doesn't like cheating. That requires morals and that's too much work, so I remain indifferent, but he thinks everyone should be doing an honest day's study for an honest day's scribbles on paper."
"If you don't study, you have to rely on managers," growled Bob, saying 'manager' like the Spanish Inquisition said 'heretic'."
"So I want to know the exact details of your involvement with Tori and how she got you to take over the Morgue to get a racket in Fielding, and how she runs it here. And let's be clear, Upchuckism's make Bob mad too. Or should do."
Upchuck cleared his throat. "W-Well, Tori runs a test answers racket here and paid me to take over the Morgue so she could get a racket in Fielding."
"Oh. That was faster than I thought. You don't happen to know who beat up Kevin, do you?"
"Wasn't Quinn supposed to be telling us if she learnt anything about that?" asked Cindy.
"Why are we here again?" asked Shaggy in the middle of battle against the Oakpine Scooter Crew.
"To fight people!" said Quinn, an existentialist figure.
"Quinn has outlived her usefulness," said Daria. "Cindy, I need you to do something I was hoping we could avoid: go talk to Kevin."
"Oh, that's no problem. I like Kevin!"
Daria stared at her, realising that a great and terrible gulf existed between them. "Good for you. I'll question Tori Jericho."
Tori checked, for the third time that very minute, the email account for Lawndale Hot/Not? to see if she'd got any new gen. She had one from Cindy: 'Daria's asking about the grade fixing and she knows it's you. Meet me behind the library and I'll tell you everything.'
That was… problematic. She'd picked up that Dyke Morgaydorffer had been seen near Cindy and had been speculating why, but this hadn't been expected. The bitch was sneaky enough to dig up all the dirt, Tori had to know exactlywhat was already known before she could do damage control.
And just in case someone might need to have another 'accident' like Kevin had.
The Maleficent Eleven rolled into Eagleton High to kick some heads and were surprised to find absolutely nobody outside.
"Oh yeah, it's fifth period now," realised Spike.
"Then we just wait until school finishes!" said Quinn. "Ha, whiny-ass bitches, thinking going to class will save 'em!"
After fifth period ended, Tori sneaked around the library – hoping nobody saw her, because ewwww– and looked about for Cindy. The girl was waiting for her, looking nervous, the face of someone who'd realised halfway up that Everest was a fucking long climb.
"Cindy, hi. How much does Daria know?"
"Upchuck and the guard have given your name up, and she's got you tied to Oakwood and Fielding. She's hoping to corner you after sixth or seventh period. She thinks I've already left school to see Kevin, alright? She's waiting until then. She thinks I'm on her side."
"Left school? Won't you – oh." Tori closed her eyes. "The teachers know I've been taking the tests?"
"Daria's checking it for them but she hasn't told them what she's found yet."
There was still hope. "Okay, I can get everyone to be quiet. No one willingly talks, Daria's got nothing, right? And she might be encouraged to keep quiet."
"You're going to have her attacked?" Cindy sounded worried once again. "That's… that's further than-"
"I'm sure she won't be hurt if she's reasonable. Go see Kevin."
"Spock – can I call you Spock? Okay, bit late for that." Tom leaned over the acne-ridden, podgy computer nerd, who to his credit kept staring back with defiance. "Look, we know you killed the Morgue. We also know you have access to it and who you're working with. Thing is, those people? They're being hunted down. We know who they are."
"'We'? Dude, stop pretending you're in a cop show, it's lame."
"Spock raises a valid point," said Astrid.
"Spoil my fun."
"You want me and my crew to cut ties and just bring the Morgue back like we claim we're trying, right?" sneered Spock. "Screw that! If the racket's dead, we'll just delete the place and those elitist shits can all study for a change! See how their 'gentlemen's Cs' go then! Serve them right for all-"
"I will kiss everyone involved if they bring the Morgue back," said Astrid, the incredibly attractive blonde woman.
Spock's mouth succumbed to Newtonian physics.
"This may not work on the girls involved though."
"Then I'll kiss them," said Tom, before: "Wait, no, Daria. Hmmm. I could ask Pat?"
"Will he agree?"
"He will unless he wants to stay awake in Quant class from now on." Tom sighed. "Spock, you can close your mouth now."
"I think he is broken."
Hospitals were cool, Kevin thought. It was like staying in bed only you didn't haveto get up to pee, and someone would still bring you meals in bed instead of saying you weren't six anymore! Man, he needed to be injured more often.
There was a knock on his door. "Hello? Kevin, it's me, Cindy."
Whoa! Girls turned up too? Man, he had to be asleep for this to happen in bed! (He tried to remember if he was with Brittany or if they'd broken up this week, then decided to wing it)
"Hey, Cindy! Did you know you don't have to get up to pee? You can go in bed here! Uhhh, not really in bed though, that'd suck. But in a little metal thing."
"Hee! You're funny, Kevin!"
"Thanks!" (And I didn't even need to tell a joke either! I rule!)
"I was just wondering… umm… The person who hit you-"
"Oh wait, sorry Cin," he said apologetically. "If I tell the feds or anything, that'd be snitching. And that's not cool!"
"I'm not a cop though."
"Oh yeah. I guess it's okay then! It was…"
The bell rang, marking the end of a school day at Eagleton.
"Alright, school's fucking out!" cheered Quinn. "TO THE ZON!"
Daria hung around, watching the other students leave. She hated being in Lawndale any longer than necessary (and for however long was necessary, come to that), but Tori had passed word to her and the word was they needed to meet. And meet a time when nobody would see and think that, horror of horrors, they were friends.
After a few minutes, she headed for the girl's locker room. Jane was tailing her; anything went wrong, she could call out and Jane would run in.
Tori was already waiting in the locker room: "I hear you've been asking about me."
"That's right. I know of your involvement in three schools and I have people who can confirm it's you. It'd be a good idea if you came clean about everything. Then I can go home."
"Oh, Daria." Tori smiled. "Upchuck and Stew? They won't talk; I've already spoken to them. They're preparing to cover their tracks so it can't be traced back to them either. All you'll get is, what, Mohammed, those freaks at Fielding, O'Malley at Oakwood?"
"I see," said Daria quietly. "I'll still know."
"You should really forget."
"Is that a threat? Are you threatening me with physical violence?"
"Well, duh. Weren't you brains supposed to be smart?"
"I call your bluff. You won't get your hands dirty here."
"O'Malley isn't here. He'll do it for free if it'll get you to 'forget' about him too."
"Good plan. Very good. One problem though." Daria held up her mobile phone, which just so happened to be in a call at the time. "That's the staff room on the other end. In the words of a very wise cartoon character, ha ha."
Tori turned whiter than a shut-in ghost.
"Now, the faculty won't want another grade scandal so I imagine they'll fix things quietly. But you're going to cough up exactlywho did in Kevin or-"
"Wait, I don't know that! How'd I know that?"
Daria stopped in mid-threat. "Hang on a second."
"…Bub the Sub," said Kevin.
Cindy thought about that. "Wait, I know this one: the Canadian guy who's in the team? And because he's a substitute you call him 'Bub' so he can have the full nickname-"
"Whoa! You know football!" said Kevin, quite impressed. "Yeah, he asked to meet me after dark to talk about something. I think he thought I'd been seeing his girl."
"Had you?"
"Yeah! She's hot! So that's probably what it was about."
"I don't believe this." Daria had facepalmed so much that her forehead was going to get prints. "I have wasted a whole day."
"Why didn't you just get someone to ask Kevin at the start?" asked Jane.
"Because it's Kevin."
"Fair enough. But hey, you busted a criminal conspiracy."
"Yes, I ensured Fielding students still get to be lazy, I had a security guard fired, I've got Mohammed and Upchuck against me after they got suspensions, I've got the Oakwood football team pissed because they know I got their runningback suspended, and I've made Cindy a target for Tori because of that sting op. All in all, it's a good day's work."
"And you're a target for Tori when she'sback from suspension, don't forget that."
"Oh yes, I forgot that due to things being kept quiet, she's not getting expelled and I'll still have to see her every day. Did I miss anything else?"
"Lawndale Hot/Not? is reporting rumours that you and Cindy are totally gay with each other."
"Hat trick." Daria sighed. "Well, at least I still get Gym off for making the teachers happy so it's not all bad."
"It's a disappointment, amiga. I thought you'd cause waymore damage and disruption. You're slacking."
"Our contact at the Maryland Bugle says they're going to lead with the Lawndale County school rampages, sir. All of the county's local papers are doing the same and Fox News has it too: both the county, the Mayor's office, and Lawndale County PD are coming under fire…"
"Again. Goddamn it…" Governor O'Malley rubbed his tired eyes. "Alright, fuck it. Call another meeting of the Lawndale Incident Commission, and MEMA Director Muth and Guard Commander Hinz are damn well turning up this time…"
THE END
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Eagleton, Lawrenceville, and Oakwood's runningback Etan O'Malley (no relation to the Governor of Maryland) are from the old MTV websites; Kevin listed them when talking about the local high school teams.
The Morgue is another concept from Roentgen's The Hallowed Halls of Fielding.
MEANWHILE, SIDEWAYS IN TIME...
"Welcome to Casa de Chuck, bella senorita. Oh, don't worry about the blinds, toots. This torrid affair shall remain our little secret - as it must."
"Bitch, I'd rather shove the mouse up there," said Daria.
"Oh, you can play hard to get, but yes: passion can wait until-"
"Right, I'm completely bloody sick of this." Daria picked up the saw.
"In conclusion, I decided 'fuck it, what did the mouse ever do to me?' and tried negative reinforcement on the ginge here. Through use of threatened violence towards the scrotal area and actual violence to the face, Chuck was able to cease talking to any women ever. As a side effect, the new primary response to everyday stimuli is fear."
"Excellent job, Daria!" said a happy Barch. "You get an A Plus!"
"eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" screamed Upchuck, his bruised eyes staring into a void.
"Shut up, you... you man! You get a D!"
"Awww, come on, Ms Barch. Give the poor bastard an A, he did help."
"Oh, very well. It is Thanksgiving and all."
"eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"