Author's Chapter Notes:

I know, I know! Y'all hate me and are beginning to hate my long waits! I can't help it! The closer I get to the end of this fic, the less I want to write it :( It's my baby, shoot me, I don't want it to end :O

Anyways, massive thank you as always to everyone who has read and reviewed this fic :) I'm only 14 chapters into it on Twilighted, and already they're beating y'all with reviews :P

SM owns all things Twilight but all characterisations and plotlines of FMN are copyrighted of LiveInDakota 2010. Just leave me alone :P

Enjoy x

Chapter 35: Small Chances

What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?

You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you.

Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside.
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance.
I know now, this is who I really am.

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you.

Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

Come break me down

Break me down
Break me down

You say you wanted more,
What if I wanted to break...?
What are you waiting for?

I'm not running from you.

What if I wanted to break?

The Kill – 30 Seconds To Mars

Bella's POV: Now

Edward fell asleep on the sofa, drained, again. Just as I had the night he first arrived on our doorstep, I watched over him. I ran my fingers through his growing hair repeatedly, thinking the same thought as that night. I loved it this length. However, he had mentioned in passing that it was getting too unruly and he'd need to get it "seen to." I didn't like the sound of that. I'd have to remind him just how much I loved it.

It was the perfect length for grabbing onto, burying my fingers in, and finding hours of contentment with. The noises he made when I massaged his scalp, and the way he would relax completely, gave me an immense amount of pleasure just by seeing him calm.

I folded my legs underneath me, keeping my right hand nestled in the hair above his ear. I could hear my dad quietly moving around in the kitchen, but I didn't want to leave Edward. He wasn't suffering, and he wasn't scared, but I wanted to be there just in case.

This time around, I was sure he was angry and defeated. And while feeling like that probably didn't seem any better to him, it was a tangible emotion I could deal with. He was no longer a hollow shell; he was facing things head on, in his own time, and dealing with them in a way that could only make me proud and amazed of his strength. Again.

My pride welled from the old Bella, the one that had met Edward only eight days after he found out about his family the first time. I knew the way he retreated into himself, only ever seeming to come out to talk or acknowledge me in the first ten days of our friendship. He would stare into space, remaining eerily quiet, and above all, he looked completely broken.

Yes, all of that had happened this time around, too, but it hadn't taken him three months to go back and talk to his dad. He was acknowledging, and he was facing it. A part of me – the typical teenage girl in love for the first time part – hoped that maybe he had only stayed in New York because of me.

I felt partially guilty for thinking that, because then it was down to me that his family had gone so long without him. How would I ever find out? That if, at seventeen he was in love for the first time too, and wanted to spend as much time with me as possible.

I mean, it wasn't that I didn't believe that he loved me, but he had only expressed his feelings the night before I left. Was it possible that he had felt the same way as me, for as long as me? I was pretty sure I had known I was in love with him from that day in the café; the day he kissed me like I was his equal in his apartment, and then again with frozen mouths over ice-cream. When we had walked and talked hand-in-hand to Times Square. When we had laughed at street performers and tourists alike, snapped at least a hundred photos of ourselves and our surroundings, and then returned in the late evening for my first ever romantic meal.

I would only ever know if Edward himself told me. Would he remember details such as those? I had looked his condition up online, and what I had found wasn't the most reassuring. It said that there was a possibility – and I no longer cared how small – that he would only regain the specifics. He would only remember that he spent his summer in New York with a girl, and that that girl turned out to be me.

He had already told me all those weeks ago, that he knew he was in love with "her," because the feeling had overwhelmed him in his memory. He told me in our meadow over the weekend that when he did get flashbacks, they were mainly feelings. He would know what was going on from the emotion that would wash over him.

So, I knew he would remember he loved me, but what about the rest of it? All the little things that caused our relationship to grow? The tiny details that wouldn't normally matter, but Edward had made his mission to find out about me. I supposed he could re-learn those, but what if he never remembered the way he had passionately kissed me in the middle of a New York street in front of his father's office, as his emotions got the better of him.

Would he remember the day we spent in the park, a picnic basket spread out and a hundred little post-it notes scattered over it? He had wanted to learn what my favorite food was; and to this day I don't know if it worked. He had ulterior motives. He would stick the post-it to his forehead, and like any other game; he would try to guess what it was.

Only, in this game, the closer he got to the answer, the closer he got to me. Then, if he guessed it right, he was allowed to kiss me anywhere. There really wasn't a losing situation in that game because he made it so that if he didn't guess it, I had to kiss him. As if it was a hardship.

I sighed lightly, nearly chuckling when Edward did the same in his sleep. It was scary sometimes when I really thought about how much I loved him. But then I considered my life without him. There was no way I ever wanted to live through that again.

In the back of my mind, at the time, I had wondered if I was just being overly dramatic and that Edward not getting in touch wasn't that big of a deal. That maybe I should have just gotten over it and moved on. I scoffed; I didn't think that was possible for me.

It wasn't some high school crush. Yes, he was my first love, and going without experiencing that first all-consuming passion and love was something I wouldn't dream for anyone. I had all that with Edward, but it felt like more. I wanted to believe that he was made for me, that he was it for me. And sitting on my living room floor, watching my boyfriend sleep through his problems, I hoped that everything we had gone through only proved just how true my theory was. I didn't want anyone else; I couldn't imagine ever feeling like this for someone else. I didn't want to.

I may have felt like my strength was crumbling away each day, but if the day ever came, I would fight for Edward and the feelings he gave me for as long as it took. I wasn't going to let him walk out of my life again. I hoped that somehow he'd never want to. That when the truth dawned on him, he'd find it in himself to forgive me, remember how much he loved me, and we'd move on, stronger than before, together. It was possible, if not highly improbable. It was what was keeping me going. There was a small chance everything would work out.

This time it was a good kind of small chance. A small chance I'd willingly put all my faith in and pray for its outcome. This was my life; I wanted to choose how I lived it. And I wanted to live it with Edward by my side.

He stirred underneath my hand and I stilled it, wanting him to have a peaceful – uninterrupted – sleep. I know he had been resting better the past few days, I could see it in him. He seemed more alert, and the bags under his eyes were slowly receding. It made me feel sort of proud of myself that sleeping with me in his arms was helping him. It gave me a sense of fullness to know that I meant the same to him as he did to me.

I briefly wondered how long we could get away with getting around my dad's rules. I found it difficult to even think about not sleeping curled up in him every night. I was certain that the nightmares would return for both of us if he was even as far away as the sofa.

As I thought about him, my dad walked back into the room, his sharp eyes taking in my position on the floor by Edward's head. A small smile settled on his lips as he looked us over before he jerked his head in the direction of the kitchen and walked off.

With a brush of my lips to his forehead and an ear-splitting smile when he sighed my name in his sleep, I got up and followed my dad silently, noticing that I felt lighter than I had in days. It was becoming increasingly obvious that my connection with Edward was more than just skin deep. I didn't care how corny or cliché it sounded, but when he was hurting, I could feel it. The downward spiral he had been on the past few weeks only cemented that fact. Now that he was dealing with all the fucked up issues in his life – most of his fucked up issues – I could feel the stress and strains on our relationship weakening.

Maybe we could be normal. For a little while, at least.

I was surprised when Charlie held out a cup of hot chocolate for me as I entered the kitchen. He hadn't made me hot chocolate since I was small. Any time he and Renee had a "misunderstanding" he would make time for me, bringing me to sit on his lap at the kitchen table with hot chocolate and mini marshmallows.

He had always taken the time to remind me that no matter what happened between them I would be the most important thing to them both. Tears pricked at my eyes at his gesture and the memories attached to it. We had some good times at our kitchen table.

When I got sleepy he would hold me tight and tell me stories, some far-fetched, others more realistic towards his job. He would almost regale me with tales of his "escapades," glamourizing what he did and how he would always catch the bad guy.

I realized then, that at no point in my life had I ever not looked up to my dad. I was proud of being daddy's little girl, but I was prouder of being my dad's little girl. He was my hero, my silent protector and my source of comfort, well beyond what a man of little words would be accounted to.

I smiled at him weakly, wondering what conversation called for the mini marshmallows afloat my rich, dark drink. He turned away from me for a moment, only to turn back with his own. My smile grew at the sight of my grown up, wise father drinking hot chocolate with mini balls of fluff on top. He had never had one with me before.

Something told me this conversation would be different. We were different, our lives were different, and I somehow knew he might need the comfort and familiarity that I found in my drink, too.

"I'm really proud of you, Bells."

My throat closed over, the hot drink burning its way down my throat. I hadn't expected him to start like that.

Seeing the growing emotion upon my face, he continued. "I know how hard the past two months have been, and I've tried to be there for you as much as I could –"

"Dad, you've done more than you give yourself credit for…"

I could sense the awkwardness between us, but something told me this conversation had to happen.

"I can't begin to imagine how hard Edward's…condition…has been on you, but I'm so proud of the way you've handled everything and of the person you've grown to be, Bells. That boy is so lucky to have you, and watching you together reminds me of so many things…"

So this was it, this was when we finally discussed the fact that my mother had been MIA for nearly two months. I watched him gulp down the emotion building in him and realized I could empathize completely. I knew exactly what it was like to have the love of your life abandon you, to think they'd abandoned you and your child.

Only, I'd been given another chance, Charlie had to live with the fact that his wife had willingly walked out on her husband and daughter.

He coughed awkwardly, trying to clear his throat. "I am sorry that your mother hasn't been here for you. I can only do so much, Bella, and seeing you go through what you have without a mother makes me sick.

"I know we never really discussed any of it, but that night Carlisle phoned me? The night you tried to…"

He shook his head, his knuckles turning white on the handle of his mug.

The night I had tried to kill myself. Or at least make everything numb for a while. At the time I hadn't realized just how stupid I had been, or how much damage I could have done, I just wanted to let go.

"It scares me that your relationship reduced you to that, Bells. It's not healthy. I know you thought you'd lost him, again, but you tried to -"

He honestly couldn't get his tongue around the words.

"I was stupid, Dad. I wasn't trying to harm myself, not really. I was just sick of being in so much pain. To live every day in a lie, to think that the boy I loved didn't really love me back and was only using me, that he'd changed so much that I no longer recognized who he was? I couldn't handle it. I didn't mean to scare you, and I didn't do it for attention. I just wanted to forget.

"And that makes me feel worse, you know? He's gone through so much, hell, he's still going through so much, and there was me, wanting to be like him. How wrong is that? I actually wanted to swap places with him – I wanted to be the one who had forgotten.

"I love him so much, Dad, but what kind of person does that make me? He doesn't deserve someone like me. Someone who still wishes that I was the one being lied to instead of the one doing the lying.

"I wake up every single morning and wish with everything in me that he was back to normal. That he remembered, remembered it all. All the little details about me and our time together. That we'd skipped the part where he finds out and hates me for it, that we'd got through it together without him leaving me behind. And for those few, blissful minutes I'm truly happy. But then it all comes crashing down around me and I have to smile and pretend again.

"I…why am I telling you all this?" I laughed humorlessly, my jaw clenched, only realizing I had been rambling.

"You need to talk to someone, Bells."

I looked up at the sound of his voice, noting with shock that he looked scared. My dad never looked afraid. He was always the strong one.

I shook my head. "No, I need to talk to him. He's the only one that can make me better. His forgiveness is the only thing that can make me right again, Dad, and I'm so scared, because I might never get it. I have to live every day with the possibility that it's my last. That he'll remember, or I'll slip up and he'll see me for what I really am. I have to live with the possibility that he'll leave me again, and this time he won't ever come back.

"I'll have run off two people, how can I live with that? What do I do after that day, Dad? Cause I honestly don't know…" I placed my mug down on the table, the fluffy sweetness forgotten.

"You did not run your mother off, Isabella. If I ever hear you say that again, I'll be extremely disappointed." He sighed, roughly rubbing the stubble on his chin with his fingertips. "Renee…she's always been free-spirited, you know that. She would have a new flighty idea every couple of weeks, and for a long time I found it hard to keep up.

"But when she found out she was pregnant with you, it was like everything finally slipped into place. She nested, she blossomed, she loved you with her whole heart and my whole world was complete.

"I – I don't know what happened, Bells. New York was blissful, you were blossoming into a young woman and we could both see it. She was so proud of you; her little girl growing up was like her whole world falling into place, for her, finally.

"But, over the months after we returned, it was like she resented everything around her. She became angrier and more resentful as the weeks went by and I couldn't figure out why…"

I was struggling to breathe normally. How could he not see? How could he not blame me?

"It was me, Dad. Don't pretend. She knew there was something wrong, she was angry because I wouldn't talk to her. Her little girl had grown up, or so she thought. She knew I was keeping secrets from her, and I'd never even told a lie before. It is my fault she's gone…"

"Don't!"

I flinched as my dad's hand hit the table. I wasn't throwing myself a pity party; I was only telling it how it was. I had seen it happening before my eyes, but until now I had never really addressed it. I could see it clear as day now, how every time I pulled away from her, her reactions grew from defeat to anger. The way her tone changed from concern to control.

"We both knew there was something wrong, Bells. We weren't blind. It was not your fault. You went through something that neither of us could really understand. Even if you had told us, it was likely neither of us would have been able to help. She's a grown woman, Bells. She shouldn't have taken it personally; she shouldn't have started resenting everything around her because her life was getting hard again. That was all on her, never you, do you hear me?"

I nodded, my eyes on the table as I breathed deeply, successful in my attempt to not cry.

"She…she changed. It wasn't you, or me. Something in her changed, I could see it in her eyes. Like, some disease was eating away at her on the inside, changing her, taking her away piece by piece."

My head shot up. I'd never noticed, but then, why would I? I hadn't paid either of my parents any attention.

"I'm not saying she was ill, Bells, but it's the only explanation I can come up with. I'm no doctor, but a mother can't just change all her instincts. Once you're a parent, you're a parent for life. Nothing can change that, but she just…shut down. It was as if the life around her no longer existed. She was set on finding the source of what had triggered it all going wrong.

"She went back to New York, Bells. I don't know if she's still there, or if she's okay, but I will not hear you blaming yourself, okay? I know I failed you by not talking this through with you, but so much happened, and then you were finally happy again, I couldn't do it.

"I'm sorry I kept it from you, and I'm really, really sorry she's not here, kiddo. I know there's only so much a dad can do, and it's not like that kid's mother can help you through this." He jerked his head in the direction of the living room and my heart cracked yet again.

"I don't need anybody but you, Dad. You've – I just – I can't –" I gave up on trying to explain and stood from the table, sitting myself down on his knee like I used to.

I had lost count of the amount of times he had held me, keeping me together, over the past weeks. Hugging me, soothing me when everything fell to pieces again and again.

His strong, familiar arms wrapped around me tightly. He was everything that Jasper and Edward were put together. Home, safe, happy, loving, gentle, protective, slightly overboard with worry, but completely and utterly devoted to his job, me.

I burrowed into his old fashioned plaid shirt, reveling in the scent of detergent and basic cologne that came from him.

"I love you, Bells. And I know this is a moot point by now, but Edward's a good kid, and I'm really happy you have him. It's good to know that you'll have him when I'm not around. He's different from Jasper, his love for you is almost overwhelming. I can see it when I look at him, he looks at you like I used to look at your mother. But there's more. It's like he's attached to you. You move, he moves. He's so attuned and protective that I know that if there's ever a time I'm not here, you'll be cherished and safe. That's all a father can ask for."

He took in a deep shuddering breath, as if he hadn't planned on his speech. I pulled back and looked at him, knowing he meant every word. I couldn't believe that this was the same man, the same Charlie, spilling his heart to me and breaking down in front of his daughter.

But his words had hit a nerve. I was only seventeen, I never wanted to think about my dad not being around, and he had said it twice.

"You'll always be around, Dad…you don't need to worry about me…" I knew when I said them that I sounded childishly optimistic.

"I'm not planning on going anywhere, Bells. But I know that when the time comes, you two will still have each other. What you have only comes around once, and while there's breath still in me, I won't let either of you forget it."

I launched back in, squeezing my dad as tightly as I could. Whether he had meant it or not, his words gave me both comfort and hope. He was so much wiser than either of us, had seen more of life, knew more of life, and he was sure we could make it. I could totally take that and run with it.

My head whipped around at the sound of a throat clearing quietly from behind me.

Edward stood, in all his tired, crumpled form, watching us with a serene look on his face. He seemed temporarily uncomfortable, obviously wanting to make it look like he hadn't been eavesdropping but was awake nonetheless.

With a sort of gentle push, Charlie nudged me in his direction. Without thinking twice about it, I stood up and crossed the distance between us.

I could tell from the way he looked at me that he had heard Charlie's last statement, and it solidified it in my mind. If we both knew that others had unconditional faith that we could do this, then maybe we'd realize that we could do it. That we really could get through anything, knowing things much worse were on their way.

He smiled at me sweetly before I tucked my head under his chin and our arms wound their way around each other. Unconditional love, heat, happiness, safety, home. I squeezed myself closer and inhaled deeply, blushing when Edward chuckled lowly in my embrace. Was I that obvious?

"I think you kids should get to bed, it's been ah…a long day."

Edward sighed gently, and I followed suit.

It had been a long day, and we'd both had emotionally exhausting conversations, but I was sighing for a completely different reason. There was no fooling Charlie tonight. There was no way of getting around his ban, and in my head I was preparing to say goodbye to Edward.

I was so emotionally codependent that I was having to prepare myself for a goodnight. My pathetic ways knew no bounds. Was I seriously one of those clingy girlfriends that demanded too much time, too much contact?

I didn't want to let him go. No, it was more than that. I didn't want him to let me go. I didn't want him to want to let me go either. I'd be so much more comfortable in my pathetic state if I knew he felt the same way. I kind of thought he did.

I squeezed Edward tighter as my dad finished washing our cups out and made his way towards us. He pressed a kiss to the top of my head lightly before what felt like clapping his hand to Edward's shoulder.

"Just…keep the door open, okay? This is still my house…"

I lifted my head from "the nook" to stare at my dad's retreating form. Once again he had stepped up, showing his understanding and observance. Maybe I was too needy, after all, even my dad could see it.

"Love you, Daddy…"

Edward's arms squeezed me momentarily and I saw a smile break across his face from the corner of my eye.

"I love you, too, kid."

I was pretty sure there was a shit eating grin on my face as he made his way quietly up the stairs. When I turned back to the boy holding me tightly, I was one hundred percent, because I was mirroring his.

I briefly thought there was something wrong, my heart sinking in my chest, as his face sobered up. But the only thing I could detect in his eyes was sincerity and love, my two favorite things. Well, apart from lust, but I could only blame myself for the lack of sex in our relationship.

His soft, warm lips met the middle of my forehead, sending a ripple of warmth across my skin, soothing me from any heartache of the night. He breathed deeply through his nose, his whole body relaxing as he continued our connection. He did feel it, too.

Just having him hold me was enough to get me through the night. The hard parts were over for both of us. We were back wrapped up in each other's warmth with only a night's sleep to think about. Tomorrow was another day, probably with more trials than victories, but small successes at a time were enough to make me believe in us.

Both of our mothers were distinctly absent and both of us had been reassured and consoled by our dads. Edward's talk might not have ended in a family hug like mine had, but there was no doubt in my mind that his relationship with his father was on track to mend.

"Will you be able to sleep?" I asked him quietly.

I pulled back and glanced at the clock, realizing that it was after midnight and Edward had slept for a few hours already.

He hooked his finger gently under my chin and turned my face back to his sweet smile again.

"I don't need to sleep, as long as I'm holding you."

Thump. God, I honestly didn't know if he knew what he did to me when he said things like that.

His eyes flicked between mine, as if reading my thoughts. I blushed, if he was able to read thoughts, it would make things a hell of a lot more interesting in regards to my plea of abstinence.

However, the blood drained from my face again. If he could read my mind, he wouldn't still be standing there, he'd have found out the truth a long time ago. His chuckling brought me out of my own head and I cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Your thoughts change so quickly. I'd give anything to be in that beautiful head of yours," he murmured quietly, bringing me back into his arms.

"I'll swap you. I can't escape my thoughts." The words were out of my mouth before I realized what I had implied. Exactly what I had just told my dad – that I would rather be him than me.

He pressed his forehead to mine, his breath washing calmly over my face. My eyes traced his for any sign that I'd crossed a line, but he didn't seem too bothered by my newest declaration.

"If I could take it all away for you, I would, Bella. I promise, I would."

I brought my hand up to the side of his face, my lip trembling between my teeth. He was too good to be true. He smiled when my fingers caressed our pattern under his right eye and down to his jaw, lingering over his lips in a sort of promise.

"I love you."

It always seemed strange to me, how different that one phrase could sound. It was almost as if it was more potent, stronger in bond when said in a whisper. It was reverent, private and perfect.

"We can get through anything," he replied. He took my father's previous words and turned them around on us. He wasn't hoping, or looking for reassurance, he was telling me.

In the space of a few days he was confident in us. He was sure that yes, there was more to come, but yes, we'd get through it anyway.

Taking his hand firmly in mine, I switched the kitchen light off and headed down the hall to the stairs. We had to stop and start as I made sure everything was off and the door was securely locked, but he didn't drop his grip on my hand once. It made things notably harder, but I didn't let go either.

I left him on his side of my bed as I brushed my teeth and got ready for bed. My heart still hammered out of rhythm when I saw him lounging half naked on my bed, but I was too tired, drained to rethink my vow. Yes, I wanted him, it was plainly obvious, but that was another step I wasn't quite ready for.

I smiled at him so happily that he looked momentarily confused, probably wondering what on earth I was thinking about. The fact that he was waiting for me to be ready for that step, made my heart swell more. He knew I wanted him, he could read me like a book, but he was also listening to my head.

He probably didn't understand why I had put a ban on sex, but he hadn't questioned it, or me, and had just relaxed into the ride. He was with me in this and I had to put faith in that. I had to put faith that he'd always stick by me.

Like the small odds on him recovering fully from his head injury, this was another thing I was willing to bet on.

"You look like you won the lottery between the bathroom and here…" He chuckled lightly and I reveled in the sound. It had been a long time since I had heard Edward crack a joke or make a snarky comment; I had missed it.

I climbed into my bed beside him, immediately shuffling into the space that was made for only me at his side. "I have everything I could ever want already. You make me happy." I thought he might laugh, but it never came.

"You're everything to me, Isabella Marie Swan. I promise to prove it to you every day of forever. I won't ever let you go."

I had nothing to say in return to that. The tears pricked at my eyes, but for the first time in what felt like months, they were happy tears. There was a lot of promised future in that statement and I wasn't sure if he'd meant it that way.

My heart skipped more than one beat when I realized it sounded a lot like a proposal from my romantic novels. Could he have known that?

I pushed myself up, looking him square in the eye. He smiled again as he brushed my hair behind my ear, but I just stared in return, as if trying to figure him out.

When he opened his mouth again, I'd have sworn he could read my mind. "Forever, I promise."

I didn't miss the way his hand clasped my left one, or that he tried to distract me with his kissing prowess. I didn't think he meant to say quite so much, but rather than go back on it, he reiterated it.

As I lost myself in his kiss, I could have sworn that his fingers were brushing circles around my ring finger.

Author's Chapter End Notes:

What just happened? :O

Lol, I know this was shorter and not much happened, but I hope you realise that that conversation was a long time coming and needed to happen before Bella could move on :)

Let me know what you think, please :)

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xx