Author's Note:
To those returning from their summer holidays or are stuck studying or whatever you're doing right now, I'm so glad to see you've read this far! To the ones who didn't see the sudden turn of events in their relationship coming and got a surprise wave of emotions that made you cry when you didn't think you would, you're welcome. I always feel better after a good cry so I see it as doing you a favour. Or something like that.
But yes, I hope everyone is doing okay and still enjoying. I'm trying not to drag this out but I also know that Cas can't just take him back (I've seen what happens to the readers if you do that and I'm not willing to do it again eheheh, PMA3 anyone? XP)
Also I still f*cking love that username. misha-whisperer. Cracks me up every time, thought you all ought to know.
Dean felt like he could throw up as he sat at a table in the Jar café, he'd showed up a bit earlier because he figured the place would be packed like last time. He wasn't wrong, and several others had had the same idea so he didn't get his regular spot, which irked him. But that didn't matter, he'd get to see Castiel after three weeks. It'd be like a quick fix of a highly addictive drug, he'd feel so much better and so much worse at the same time. Seeing Cas meant so much to him in that moment, just seeing him would be nice. But of course Dean wasn't about to settle for just that, he wanted Castiel to talk to him, he wanted Cas to acknowledge his presence there and at least hear him.
But there were so many people.
Like the year before everyone was given a jar and little paper hearts. Dean accepted the paper hearts to write his name on but he shook his head when offered a jar, "No thank you, I still have mine from last year." He lifted up the jar with a smile, a lid firmly placed over it and one single little paper heart inside, silver gel-pen ink scrawled across its surface.
"You can't start the game yet…"
"I don't want any more names in my jar than this one." He explained and she shrugged, leaving his table. Dean wrote his name on all of the little paper hearts and looked for the jar that would be left on the stage for the performer. As he expected it was there, in plain sight and ready for the names of people who adored and loved its owner. Dean knew whose jar that was but he waited to make sure it didn't belong to anyone else. Just in case his luck was actually that bad.
The lights dimmed a little as the bar scene came more into play, one of the serving girls stepping onto the stage and giving the speech on how the games would work. This time she nudged the jar with her foot to bring some attention to it. "Of course our performer is playing too, this little jar here is for someone we've brought back by popular demand. So let's get him out here, everyone give it up for Castiel Novak!"
Dean clapped with the rest of them as his heart leaped into his throat, he picked up the little stack of paper hearts he'd been given and walked right up to the stage as Castiel came out. He looked amazing, beautiful and as lovely as ever. Dean could tell there was make-up on his face, he could see how Cas' eyes were still a little swollen, whether that was from days of crying or just very recently Dean couldn't tell. But the sight of his baby made it much more recent for Dean, he smiled up sadly as Castiel looked down at him. Cas' eyes were a cold, steel kind of blue as they fixed on him before looking out at the crowd again. Dean didn't care that Cas wouldn't look, well, he cared but he was just glad to get one.
As Castiel addressed everyone initially, the usual thanks for coming and so forth, Dean put all of his hearts into Cas' jar and walked back to his table. He didn't mean to interrupt the entire performance, just to wait for a moment to talk, like he had done the year before.
The night went on and Dean sat like he always remembered doing, maybe not from that position but it didn't matter. He watched Castiel's performance with a sad kind of joy, loving every sound and lyric like it was the last time he'd ever hear it. Old songs from the year before, new ones he hadn't heard yet, all of it meant so much more because Valentine's Day was the day that Cas sang only love songs, unless something was requested from him specifically. Each song was like it was theirs at one point, each loving word had once been meant for Dean before he'd done what he did.
"I love you." Dean said the words but knew Cas couldn't hear him. Every moment he could remember came back to him as Castiel sang, every little reason he'd ever fallen in love with a wonderful, dark haired man. Dean wished he could live it all again, wished he could experience more of it, new things and better things. He wished he could give it all to Cas, he wished he could go back and give away everything he'd ever been because all he wanted to be was what Cas saw in him. The loving man that Castiel saw in him, the kind, funny, strong man that Cas believed him to be. All that he was meant to be was defined in Castiel.
And he ruined it.
"This is the last song of the night and while I know I should end it on a better note than this, I thought it was more appropriate for some of us. I dedicate this song to all of the loving, caring people who have been used. I dedicate this to those who refused to put up with being treated like crap, to those who could step away from a bad thing. I dedicate this last song to all the fuckers who think we'll just continue bending backward for you. A cover of Christina Perri, it's called Jar of Hearts."
Dean closed his eyes, he knew this one was for him. The words that Castiel still couldn't say; I dedicate this to Dean Winchester.
"No I can't take one more step towards you, 'cause all that's waiting is regret."
Dean could picture it, the first time he'd ever had enough courage to approach Castiel. "Hey stranger, you got room in your jar for my heart?"
"Don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore? You lost the love I loved the most. I learned to live half alive, now you want me one more time."
The first time he'd struggled with Castiel, struggled with identifying with something so trivial. He'd said it right the first time, why had that changed? "I want to go out with you, I like you. What you are doesn't matter, I like who you are, so…"
"So?"
"So will you be my boyfriend?"
"And who do you think you are? Running 'round leaving scars, collecting your jar of hearts and tearing love apart."
Dean couldn't remember saying it but he was certain he knew what words burned Castiel more than anything. Even though he'd never say them again, he'd never meant them in the first place, they did more damage than he could have ever meant to cause on purpose.
"I hate what you've made of me, Cas..."
"You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul. So don't come back for me, who do you think you are?"
The first time Castiel said his name, the first time he ever came close to knowing who he was.
"I'm uh… Dean, Dean Winchester."
"Well Dean, it's a pleasure to meet you."
"I hear you're asking all around if I am anywhere to be found. But I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms!" Back into the chorus, so many different moments in their experience together that Dean could think back to, that he could reference for the reason Cas used the words he did.
"It took so long just to feel alright, remember how to put back the light in my eyes?"
Dean thought of Michael's story, Castiel's heartbreak and how dead he'd become inside. But what stood out more than that was the time Castiel explained what Dean meant to him.
"You put light back in my eyes, you're the reason I wake up so quickly, and you're what I look forward to when the days are over. I know I'm loved, you taught me that I don't need other people to acknowledge that to make it true. You bring out the best in me and I don't ever want to let you go."
"I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed, 'cause you broke all your promises. And now you're back, you don't get to get me back."
"No…" Dean whispered through the tears, starting to find it difficult to breathe. It was true, he had broken so many promises to Castiel, he had lost the love and trust of the one person that he couldn't bear to lose. He'd lost Castiel. It wasn't some stupid fight they were having, he really did lose Cas.
"Who do you think you are?"
"Nothing." Dean whispered as he wiped his eyes, "But I know I'm not a quitter."
Cas let the music fade and the applause to stop before he spoke again, "I'd like to thank you all for coming again, and for being such a good audience to me. This is the last time I'll be performing here, so tonight I say goodbye, and wish you luck."
Dean stared in horror at the stage, "No." He got up to shout at Cas, to tell him not to do it but the crowd gave him their applause, by means of thanks for all the entertainment and work he did. Dean was drowned out in the sound as he yelled at Castiel, the singer disappearing off the stage.
Dean knew that Cas wouldn't stay, that Cas wouldn't want to mingle because it'd be too much like last time. So he ran out to the parking lot, or at least he tried to. He bumped into Gabriel who put a hand to his chest. "Stop right there," he snapped angrily, the strength in his arm quite the surprise to Dean.
"Please, Gabriel let me go. I need to talk to him." Dean knew it was a long shot but worth a try.
"How dare you?" Gabriel shoved him backward, "What fucking right do you have to say that? You almost killed him, you son of a bitch!"
"Michael told me about the last time… I know what Cas tried to do, okay? Don't use that against me, I'm going to talk to him."
"Oh he did tell you, huh? Did he tell you what Cas' ex did before dumping him?"
Dean paused, no he hadn't heard that one.
"The fucker cheated on him. Over and over again with different people, men and women both. Lying to Cas is something he can handle, hell, being beaten and used are things he can handle, but one thing he won't stand for is a cheater. Why do you think he was always so jealous when you flirted with other people? Even jokingly?" Every word Gabriel shouted at him was like another dagger in his heart, and he hadn't thought it could hurt more than it did. He was wrong.
"I didn't… I didn't know… And I didn't do it on purpose, you have to know that, Gabriel! Please!" Dean was pleading again, his tone, his words, his posture, all of it. "I need to see him, please let me go."
"I can't physically stop you," Gabriel frowned, still glaring daggers into him, "But I don't want you anywhere near my brother."
Dean didn't have time for that argument right then, Cas was leaving and that might have been his last chance to say anything to his baby. "I'm sorry, I'm going anyway." Dean pushed past Gabriel easily, running out into the lot just in time to see Castiel walking toward the street on his way home. "CAS!"
Castiel froze in place, slowly turning back to see Dean rushing toward him. "Stop right there, Dean." He demanded it but Dean could hear the shaking in his voice, how close he was to crying. "What do you want?"
Dean stopped as he was told but tried to inch closer with a step or two every now and then. "Cas, I don't have a good excuse or reason for what I did. There is none, I know that. I really, really screwed up. I screwed it all up, and I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry Cas." Dean could hear himself almost whimpering as he barely managed the words. He wanted to break down and bawl right there but he knew better, he knew that he absolutely had to tell Castiel. "I'm the worst, I know you probably hate me for it, I hate me for it. I just… I need you, Cas. I can't live without you, I'm a pathetic mess, I barely get up in the morning. I love you."
"Dean-"
"Cas, please." Dean had to interrupt, he could hear Castiel's tone and it didn't mean anything good. "Please, don't go. Don't do this."
"I have to." Cas said sternly, "My last relationship ended similarly to this one, except he dumped me. While you did cheat on me, Dean, I'm the one leaving you. I need to do this for myself, I need to prove to me that I didn't deserve being kept a secret. You should have been proud to be with me. You should have gone running to your friends excitedly telling them whom you were dating, and you should have let me do the same. I had to hide it from my best friends just in case they'd ever say something to people you knew. I had to ask my brothers not to tell anyone, to pretend right along with me." He stepped forward, a stubborn and determined gesture. "To give in to you now, to forgive this easily would be to admit that I am willing to put up with anything. Not anymore, Dean Winchester. I will not let others step on me, I will not change who I am to coddle someone's ignorance. If you're scared to say you love me in front of a thousand people then fuck you, I'm worth so much more than a few simple words and you can't even say them when someone else is around."
Dean couldn't stop the look of distress on his face, as much sense as Cas made, as much self-growth as Cas had gone through, he still couldn't stop looking like he'd just heard someone he loved had died. Because it was pretty much the same thing; if Cas had died Dean would never be able to hold him again, hear him sing, speak, or do anything. Castiel was leaving him, which pretty much surmounted to the same thing.
"I do love you, Cas." Dean croaked out the words through his own regret. He could see how those words made Castiel flinch, the little shimmer in his eyes reflecting and telling Dean much more than he needed to know. Castiel loved him too. He knew it, he could see it but after what he'd done it'd take so much more than just 'I'm sorry, I need you' to bring him back. Dean's heart raced in his chest, he couldn't just give up, he couldn't give in and let Castiel slip through his fingers. "What can I do? What do you need me to do?"
"There's no negotiating this, Dean." Cas turned away so Dean couldn't see his face any longer.
"I know you don't mean that." Dean insisted, knowing that if nothing else his persistence would do at least something. "But I respect your decision for now, and I'll let you go home in peace. Could you… just do one thing for me?"
Castiel furrowed his brow and turned back, doing his best to keep up the determination and anger despite being face to face with Dean again. "What is it?"
Dean took the old jar out of his pocket and held it up for Castiel to see, "I want you to have this."
"What… is that?" Cas asked but he knew what it was, it was the old jar from the last year's Jar of Hearts event. It was Dean's old jar. He hesitated but took it, looking down at the one single paper heart that sat inside, on it was the named scrawled in silver gel-pen ink; Castiel. He looked up at Dean, confused.
"There's only room for one heart in my jar." Dean smiled and started walking toward the Impala, "Have a good night Cas, I hope maybe you'll return at least a text or something maybe?"
Cas stood holding the jar with shaking hands, he opened his mouth to speak but a hand touched his shoulder that quieted him right down. "Go inside, Castiel."
It was Michael.
"Mike, please don't do anything." Cas whispered, turning to go back to the café where Gabriel was waiting for him by the door.
"If someone broke Gabriel's heart and turned him into a joyless, laughter-less hermit, would you sit back?"
Cas stopped and looked up at Gabriel, those vibrant golden eyes looking at him so earnestly, imagining that life snuffed out. "I'd tear the son of a bitch a new one…" he muttered and glanced toward the Impala where Dean had stopped to look at the three brothers. "But I… I don't want that."
"I won't, Cas. But I need to speak with him." Michael walked toward Dean, the idiot who waited.
As the eldest Novak approached Dean could hear Michael's words in his head, the first ones he'd spoken regarding Dean's relationship with Castiel. He'd said he wouldn't try to scare Dean away because Cas was in love with him, but it turned into a threat anyway.
"If you hurt him, if you're using him or playing with him for some fucked up goal of yours, I will end you. Are we clear?"
"Yes sir, but that's not my intention."
"I want to see it end, either your bigotry or the relationship. I won't allow for Cas to grow old being left in the dark."
"I wouldn't either. I'll take care of him, I promise."
The lie he'd told Michael on the day that they had met. He could see it in those steel eyes, Michael remembered it too.
"You understand what I'm about to say to you, don't you?"
Dean nodded, "You're about to tell me to back off?"
"Close, but not quite." Michael stopped fairly close, within arms reach if need be. "I'm here to tell you to fuck off. Get out of here, get out of his life, I won't let you do this to him."
Part of Dean wanted to listen, to tuck his tail and run. But the rest of him, the Winchester in him shouted back. It demanded he stand his ground, that Michael was wrong. "Castiel can choose for himself. I won't push him past his limits, I'll leave him if he wants me to, but until Cas comes out here himself to say it I'm not going anywhere."
The set of Michael's jaw should have been an indication of what was coming next but Dean stupidly didn't see it. The first punch slammed him against the Impala, he stumbled backward just as the second hit came in. It sent him flailing to the ground, curling up around his middle as if that'd ease the pain. Michael cursed him out, the most amounts of violent words Dean had ever heard him say and yet he couldn't quite focus on what they were. At least not while Michael was kicking the ever loving crap out of him.
"He did it again!" Michael shouted, his composure long gone as his foot connected with Dean's body over and over again. "He couldn't take it, he told me he wanted it to end. I had to relive my worst nightmare because of you! He cried over the phone and I was so far away, I could only listen! It hurts, Mike. It hurts and I can't take it. I need it to stop, Mike. I'm sorry, Mike. I'm dying, Mike. You fucking asshole! I hate you! I hate you for what you did to him!"
"MICHAEL!" Castiel screamed from the café, "That's ENOUGH!" He'd never seen his brother lose it like that, not Michael.
Michael seethed, putting his foot down and glaring at Dean who could barely move on the pavement. "You'd better pray I never catch you on your own." He snarled and stormed back toward the café.
Dean groaned and started to sit up, looking up at the man's retreating back, the man he had pretended to call brother in-law once before. Dean didn't hold it against him, didn't want to fight back or scream anything, he deserved the beating, it actually made him feel a little better. Like he'd done a little bit of repenting, gotten some of his just desserts. Not nearly enough but bumping into Michael a few more times might fix that.
"Thanks Cas." He called loud enough for his baby to hear, dropping his head down again. "I'll be okay."
Castiel looked over from where he was scolding Michael, his heart skipping a beat but he decided to ignore it. "Okay then." Was all he could reply. He wanted to say 'shut up Dean' but he couldn't bring himself to be that cruel. Even to Dean. "Have a good night."
"You too." Dean replied, smiling to himself. They'd just had a conversation across the parking lot, that was at least a step in the right direction if not entirely neutral. Better than a step backward.
Author's Note 2:
Just wanted to say GO MICHAEL!