ALL HAIL BRAK!

Naruto: Ninja Burger Chronicles
Scroll Twelve Part One: Heave Ho!
By Kaori

Ah tug-o-war, a simple way of determining the strength and tenacity of two groups of people who may or may not hate each other's guts. Glory to the winners and humiliation to the defeated; what better way to assert your superiority over the weak and irresolute than to pull them facedown into a pit of putrid lard?

That's right.

Lard.

A stinking, festering pile of rancid lard.

This is without a doubt the most disgusting challenge of the day.

Competing for Konoha's Deliverators today are the founding members of the Uchiha Sasuke Fanclub (i.e. Haruno Sakura and Yamanaka Ino), Uzumaki Naruto, Inuzuka Kiba, Rock Lee, Hyuuga Hinata, Akimichi Chouji, and Uchiha Sasuke. The others were content to remain on the sidelines, having no wish to risk smelling like decomposing fat for the rest of the day; which is just as well because only eight people are allowed on each team anyway.

Some of you are probably thinking that the threat of smelling like a corpse couldn't be the only deterrent when you could very well end up being one over a late delivery, and you're be right. The tub of lard is not only congealing, but it is also scorching hot. So if you were unfortunate enough to get pulled into it, you would not only smell rank you'd end up with fourth degree burns (1).

Lovely.

Considering what is at stake, it is well worth the risk if you are willing to take it. The winning team of the tug-o-war get an automatic High Competent rating on their annual employee evaluation, and one ultra rare (to the point that many still believe they only exist in ninja myth) Get out of Seppuku card each. In other words, you get one free fuck up and a guaranteed fat bonus come the holidays. You decide whether or not that's worth almost dying for.

However, the rookies' chances of actually winning are rather small as the majority of the other teams contain far more experienced ninja. If you looked very carefully you'd notice that two of those ninja are actually bears.

"Is this fair?" Konan asked Pain.

"Is what fair?" the Assistant Manager inquired, checking the rope for suspicious cuts and fraying. Instead of answering, Konan jerked a thumb towards the two bears dressed up in Ninja Resources uniforms. "Some might consider forcing the bears to wear uniforms during the competition to be unfair and cruel, but it in the unlikely event that we get pulled into the lard we can at least claim that the bears had on a measure of protective clothing."

"What? No I meant is it fair to have the bears on our team?"

"We'd get complaints of discrimination if we did not."

"Nagatooo...."

"Oh, you meant is it fair to the other teams?" Pain said hurriedly. Whenever Konan called him by his given name it usually meant he was going to get paper stuck in places that should be left alone (never mind the fact the he is her boss, he shares an apartment with the woman and he has no protection there). "They'll get over it, and besides we need eight people. Tobi is incapacitated from the burger eating contest, and Hidan says it's against his religion to compete at tug-o-war. I would have used Zetsu but alas man-eating plants don't have hands."

"Bears aren't people." Konan ground out.

"I know some people at PETA who would disagree."

Since there were only eight teams competing this year, the competition was split into two blocks. Block A consisted of the Konoha Franchise Ninja Resources Department, Ame Franchise D.E.A.T.H.S Department, Iwa Franchise Dispatcher Department, and eight random ninja from Kumo franchise.

Block B had our rookie Deliverators, eight members of the Kitchen Detail of Kusa Franchise, a mixture of Iwa's D.E.A.T.H.S Department and some of the Drive-Thru staff, and some of the Kitchen Detail of Suna franchise (which included Temari, Gaara, Kankuro, and Baki the Head Ninja Chef).

The spectators were already placing their bets as too who would be victorious and who was going to be auditioning for jobs as stunt doubles in The Mummy Part XXVIII.

Will our rookie deliverators escape burnination? And what of the Ninja Resources Department? Will the bears be allowed to participate? This story may or may not continue. The authoress is feeling contrary.

1) I recently learned in my First Aid Refresher class that there are fourth and fifth degree burns but must people are content to classify these as third degree burns. I won't be doing that anymore since a fourth degree burn doesn't look anything like a third degree burn.

For those who don't know: first degree is just a little painful, second degree is painful and the skin blisters before peeling off (I get one of these once every two months it seems, don't ask), third degree is like second degree only way more painful and the skin is horribly discoloured and very susceptible to infections, fourth degree is where the skin and muscle tissue is melted damaging the nerves (will require skin grafts), and fifth degree is fourth degree all the way down to the bones and you are incapable of feeling anything in the affected area (and it oozes purple fluid).