Chapter 35

Not surprisingly, Jane's mother was beside her when she woke again, her features calm as she paged through a book Kasumi left on the Normandy. Jane glanced at the title, thinking that she had been meaning to read it as well, and then looked at her mother. She didn't move or change her breathing, allowing herself the time to study the older woman. Jane had never had an easy relationship with Hannah Shepard. As child, she had been more inclined to spend time with her milder mannered father. Although he was also a soldier, he had not been as driven to succeed in the Alliance as her mother had. Throughout his life, he had spoken of the day he would retire from the military, start up a little business of his own. There had, of course, never been the money to do so, or the time. And then he had simply died in the field. Killed in action. It had broken Jane as a child and, even now as an adult, she found that she could think about it for too long before beginning to feel uncomfortably sad.

She knew that her mother had not taken his death well either but, in that time of her life, she had not known how to make it easier for her.

Sighing softly, wondering what on earth she was going to do with her mother now, Jane closed her eyes and turned her attention inward. She could tell that she was healing already. She felt better, clearer headed. Uncomfortable in certain places, but definitively better. She was certainly thinking clearer and made a mental note to refuse Chakwas any pain medication that she was to offer her.

I have to decide what I'm going to do about this situation, Jane thought and was secretly surprised by how calm she felt. This is… going to become quiet messy.

"Shall I ask Chakwas if you can have something to drink, Jane?" Her mother spoke quietly, her voice calm and surprisingly gentle.

Jane looked up at the old captain and allowed herself a brief smile. "If she'll allow me anything with caffeine in, that would be appreciated," she replied. "But even water will do." She hesitated. "Do you think that you can help me sit up?"

She saw her mother's hesitation, but then she nodded slowly and put her book down. "Catherine said that I can help you with that as well," she pointed out and stood up. "Don't let me hurt you, Jane, please." She put a hand under Jane's shoulder and carefully assisted her in sitting up slightly, adjusting the bed accordingly. The movement hurt, but Jane allowed herself to breathe through it, strangely comforted by her mother's touch. When the woman settled her and began to pull away, Jane reached out with a boldness that she had never had before and grasped her mother's hand.

"Thank you," she said softly and watched in fascination as her mother's features contorted briefly as if she was fighting tears. The older woman took a moment and then returned her smile, taking Jane's hand in both of hers.

"It is my pleasure, my dear," she said softly. She didn't move immediately, nor went for the drink that she had said that she would get for her. Upright now, Jane first breathed through the protest of her body's battered muscles then looked around the infirmary. Samara was gone, but she had expected her to be.

Yet, doubt and fear also plagued her mind as she turned her attention back to her mother.

"The asari," she spoke, unable to say the justicar's name. "Has she been moved?"

Studying her, Hannah nodded slowly, curiosity clear in her crystal gaze. "They came for her earlier," she said. "Who is she, Jane?"

It was a difficult question to answer. Jane knew that her mother could've gotten Samara's name from any of the crew members, even an explanation as to what she was. It wasn't a secret. But, the question had more to it and Jane knew what her mother really wanted to ask was.

Who is she to you?

Jane took a steadying breath and glanced at the bedside table. There was a glass of water there, so she carefully pulled her hand out of her mother's grip and reached for it. The woman reacted immediately, taking the glass first and bringing it closer. She allowed Jane to take it from her, but still steadied the glass when Jane's hands refused to grip it without shaking. Jane observed her own body with a sense of fascination.

Is this what Abby feels like? She wondered, aware of her own weakness and hoping that it would pass soon. Again, it was the vet who was on her mind. Abby seemed to slip in there ever since the asteroid. When she had drunk enough to dissipate the horrible taste in her mouth, Jane took a steadying breath and allowed her mother to take the glass.

"Where's Dr Chakwas?" she queried, having noticed that the infirmary was distinctly empty. She had expected her Chief Medical Officer to stand vigil every second, but obviously she had been mistaken. Hannah glanced to the door on impulse and shrugged slightly.

"They are in a meeting," she pointed out. "Your XO is also involved in it."

Jane wasn't surprised and dared to smile at her mother. "It's a fairly useless endeavour without their CO," she pointed out. "Are we still in Omega?" She was very relieved when her mother nodded.

"We are," the woman confirmed. "A bit against my better judgement, but there you go. You gave these people an order and they… are obeying you. Even against their better judgement."

Ah, Jane thought. There is that disapproval I've been waiting for.

She didn't let it affect her and smiled at her mother. "I am their Commanding Officer," she pointed out. "I'd have been disappointed if they didn't do as I instructed." Her mother said nothing, but sighed and looked to where Samara had been. Jane realised that she had not answered her question yet, but wasn't sure how to do so. She had never discussed her love life with her mother and she could not imagine what the woman would think about dating crew members.

Dating? We didn't even do that.

"Do you know what the meeting is about?" Jane probed her mother for information to try and determine how much her crew kept her in the loop. She had gotten the impression from Chakwas that the captain did not get on well with the Normandy and her suspicion was confirmed when the woman shrugged.

"Contingency plans, I expect," she pointed out and gave her daughter a level look. "You."

Jane sighed at the last and looked to where Samara had been. She ached suddenly and wondered how the justicar was doing. She considered typing Mordin a message, but couldn't construct a good, sensible sentence in her head. And there are more important things to address. She swallowed and turned back to her mother.

"What has been happening?" She queried. "What is… the news? Outside."

The darkening of her mother's features told her all that she needed to know. "It's out," she said simply. "They don't suspect foul play as yet, but there are rumours. The Council is gathering a team of scientists to try and determine whether this was a natural phenomenon or not. The batarian community is… in mourning. Shock." Her mother's mouth thinned at the last. Like Jane, she held no love for batarians. "They don't believe that it is a natural event. We will see how matters progress. Admiral Hackett is on his way here, but it might be a day or two before he sets foot on Omega. As it is, I'm not sure he should come to the Normandy."

Jane studied her mother's features, trying to puzzle out what emotions lay behind her calm visage. "Who knows that I was involved?" She queried softly, studying the woman's clear eyes as she shook her head.

"Only Hackett," she pointed out. "Possibly Anderson, because those two can't blow their noses without the other knowing about it." She gave her a level look. "Especially when it comes to you."

Jane considered this and cleared her throat. "EDI," she spoke up as loud as she could, not surprised that her voice didn't really travel. "Has Aria tried to contact the Normandy?"

"Yes, Commander," the AI spoke immediately, but her voice was surprisingly monotone. "Communication's logs show messages received at…"

Hannah looked up sharply. "You can stop the act," the older Shepard snapped. "I know you're an AI."

There was a pregnant pause. Jane watched her mother, but said nothing, noticing the sharp displeasure on her face. At first, she found it mildly amusing until she realised that her mother just reacted as most of the Alliance would when they found out. How can I keep EDI safe?

"I see," EDI said finally. "How did I alert you to my presence? I believe that I was very careful in how I communicated." The clue that EDI wasn't human was there in her voice. She wasn't concerned that Hannah knew, simply curious. As if she had found a fault in her programming and was interested in correcting it. Her mother's eyes were still narrow, but she made a dismissive gesture.

"Just answer my daughter's question," she pointed out. "Why has Aria contacted the Normandy?"

EDI was silent for a few more seconds.

"Commander," she said finally, perhaps purposefully deciding not to address her mother. "Aria T'Loak has contacted the Normandy several times. She requests a meeting with you. Her last communication suggested that she was prepared to come to the Normandy herself. Should I reply?"

Jane shook her head immediately. "No, EDI," she said quickly. "Thank you. I will compose a reply myself if I choose to do so. She is not my priority at the moment. She can wait." It felt very satisfying to say and a part of Jane wished that she could say it to Aria's face. EDI however wasn't done yet.

"Jane," the AI said levelly. "Her last message also stated that she would ask Dr Gable what is going on if she does not receive a satisfactory reply from you."

That did make Jane hesitate, but, after some reflection, she grimaced and shook her head. "Then that is what she will have to do," she pointed out. "Abby can handle Aria. And if she can't, Asura most certainly can. Aria knows this. I think it is a bluff." She shifted uncomfortably, once again drawing her mother's attention to her. Her next question was quiet and full of concern.

"Are you in any pain, Jane?" She queried. "Should I call Catherine?"

Smiling, Jane shook her head. "I can hold on for a bit longer," she pointed out and hesitated, suddenly not sure how to address her mother. Captain? Mummy? "I need to ask you something." She almost laughed, immediately taking note of the caution in her mother's eyes. She knows that tone, she's been listening to crew members far longer than I have. Her mother didn't comment, but waited her out.

She knows what I want to talk about as well.

"Why do you want to take the fall for this?" She studied her only living relative as she considered her words, or perhaps rehearsed the answer that she had been considering since making her decision. Hannah withdrew a little, sitting back in her chair and crossing her arms over her chest.

"Because I cannot bear to see you do it," she said finally. "I am a soldier, Jane. Most problems I can resolve through... aggressive diplomatic negotiations. I don't think this is one of them, so..." She shrugged. "I cannot help you from the outside."

Jane's features softened. "So, you figured that you'll take the blow for me," she pointed out quietly, loving the woman suddenly simply because she was her mother. "Mum, you can't do it."

Steel closed its iron doors on Hannah's expression as she gave her a blank look. "Darling, this is not up for negotiation," she said simply. "I'm not going to let you do this. And, I think your whole crew would stand behind me on this one."

Jane murmured in reply, but shook her head. "Maybe," she said. "But they haven't really thought it through and neither have you. You arrived in Omega after I went through the relay. There will always be witnesses who can come out of the woodwork. Aria certainly knows that I went through and I'd place a fairly heavy bet on the fact that she knows you didn't, not until the end. We will not be able to keep our stories straight." She put some steel into her own voice. "And this was my responsibility."

Her mother fixed her gaze with the same steel.

"It's not, Jane," she said sharply. "I don't know what happened to make you think that all of this is only your responsibility. This was Hackett's, who sent you in there unprepared. It is the fault of your crew, for not going with you. You hold a part of this, yes. But so far, the only fault I can see that you made, was going in there alone."

Jane didn't try to justify her actions, knowing that she had not acted as she should've. But, she also felt the need to clear a few things out for her mother.

"I feel responsible for this, because the Alliance refuses to do anything about the Reapers," she said coldly. "The Alliance turned its back on me. The Council turned its back on me, but perhaps with a bit more grace than the Alliance because they at least reinstated me as a Spectre. I am out here doing the things that I do, because nobody wants to stand with me." She felt a sliver of ice touch her heart. "And with all due respect, Captain, if you do not believe in the Reapers yet, then you are as much a part of the problem as the rest of them."

Her mother said nothing, not confirming or denying her beliefs. Instead, she sighed and looked to Samara's vacant bed. The gesture was sobering, forcing Jane to take a steadying breath. She reached out carefully and took her mother's hand again, squeezing it to get the older woman's attention.

"Mum," she said quietly. "I'm sorry. It's just been… rough."

When Hannah Shepard turned back to her she looked defeated, a very alien look on her features that scared Jane. "I believe that you believe, Jane," she said slowly. "And I believe in you and what you stand for. In what you do. So, I believe in the Reapers. And…" She struggled. "I saw your fear. I saw your desperation." She grimaced. "I know that you would not make any decision to… to destroy a relay lightly. I have never known what to make of the Reapers, but I know what to make of you."

Strangely enough, the words meant a lot more to Jane now than they would've meant to her two or even five years ago. She smiled at the woman who was more alien to her than her crew and took a steadying breath, sitting up straighter.

"It's as you say, mother," she spoke kindly. "I believe in the Reapers. I believe that what I did in Bahak was the right thing to do." Her heart ached for a moment. "It wasn't easy and it wasn't a decision I made lightly. It wasn't even a mission I thought that I would come back from. But I did. And I have to stand up to it. I have to stand up and say: This is what is required to fight the Reapers. This is what all of you have to be willing to do if it means saving life as we know it. If I back away from this, I void everything that I have done in the past few months." Her heart ached again and this time she had to bring her hand up to massage her chest. "And these are not the first deaths I am responsible for or lives that I have turned my back on. I sacrificed one of my closest friends and crew members, Kaidan Alenko, because I knew that he had what it took to… to get the job done." Did he feel like I did as I waited to perish with Samara? At least I knew I wasn't dying alone. "I turned my back on thousands still trapped on the collector base. If I had taken the time, who knows how many of the colonists I could've saved?" She shook her head. "I can't turn my back on this."

She sensed her mother's frustration and felt her try and gather herself for an argument, but she was interrupted by the door opening as Chakwas came back to the infirmary. Jane turned to her, noticing how tired she looked, and smiled at her. Catherine had turned to her immediately and seemed almost surprised to see the welcome expression. However it didn't take long for her to return the gesture, her gaze softening. She looked as if she wanted to say something, but stopped herself as she glanced at Hannah. Jane was intrigued to see some measure of regret in the woman's eyes, as if she didn't have the confidence to say what she had wanted to do in the presence of her mother.

Do you feel it is not your place?

"It is good to see you upright, Commander," she said instead. "Captain? If you could give me some space? I just need to check on my patient."

Hannah got up quickly and made to head for the door when Catherine put a hand on her elbow. "You don't have to leave, Hannah," she said kindly. "I just need some space to work. Why don't you sit at my desk? Warm the chair a bit if you will."

Jane's mother studied her for a moment, then smiled ruefully as she shared a look with her daughter. "Yes, ma'am," she said dryly and quietly retreated to the desk. Chakwas didn't bother watching her, but turned her attention to Jane, her gaze scrutinizing. Jane said nothing as the doctor went over her numbers, looking at her wounds and flexing the leg that had betrayed her so completely when Jane was trying to carry Samara out of the base. When she saw a dark look pass over the doctor's features, she frowned.

"Anything wrong?" She kept her voice low, though she knew that her mother would hear.

Catherine met her gaze briefly before she sighed and smiled. "No," she said honestly. "To be precise, you should've been in more pain. But your healing is progressing well." Too well, her eyes said.

Thank you, Miranda.

Jane had made peace with a lot of things on the asteroid and she was surprised to find that her body was one of them. No, she thought suddenly. This didn't happen on the asteroid. She glanced at her mother. This happened when she accepted me. She didn't look at her mother for too long before she turned her attention back to Chakwas.

"Tell me," she said. "How is the justicar doing?" Chakwas raised a brow at her choice of words, but didn't comment on it as she made some notes on her datapad.

"Professor Solus reported that she is still stable," she pointed out. "And he is more encouraged by her numbers than I was, I have to confess. Although severely injured, he holds optimistic hope for a full recovery." She gave Jane a gentle smile. "He expects her to regain consciousness in a day or two."

The news was almost overwhelming. Jane stared at Chakwas, surprised when she realised that she was very close to tears. She sniffed and rubbed her nose, hoping to hide the gesture, but she knew that there were very few things that the doctor's eyes missed.

"I'm glad," she said and it felt like such an understatement. "She... saved me, Catherine. Once again, I owe her my life." Jane tried to look away, but felt a soft hand find its way to hers.

"Well," Catherine said quietly. "Occasionally we all need saving." Her features darkened again and this time Jane could tell that she was thinking of Bahak, but, bless her, she didn't ask.

"So tell me, Doctor," Jane spoke to her instead. "I hear that you and the XO have had a private meeting. How far are you in planning mutiny?"

Chakwas chuckled at her words, but there was tightness in her eyes that Jane didn't like. The doctor was very worried. "We kept detailed minutes in order to keep you informed to the process," she pointed out. "You can ask EDI for a summary." She sobered up a little. "All jokes aside, it wasn't really a meeting, Commander. We just established what has been happening on Omega. We will await your orders before we do anything."

Jane nodded and used the title to anchor herself, reminding herself that she had a duty to do.

"I think we should call a meeting," she pointed out. "I can't…" She paused and struggled with herself for a moment. "I need to inform you what had transpired beyond the relay. What had happened with Kenson and what they had been doing there. It's crucial that you all understand."

At the desk, Hannah shifted. "Which of your crew members include this all, Jane?" She queried. "I would suggest keeping this information to only those who absolutely need to know. You don't want to tell someone who can go and spread this to the first reporter…" She trailed off when her daughter gave her a hard look.

"Everybody who serves under me has the right to know," Jane pointed out. "Your inclusion in this is a courtesy, mother. I'm not going to give you any of the information if you are going to use it to incriminate yourself."

Steel met steel as Hannah regarded her daughter. "We haven't settled on that decision yet," she pointed out. "You have to think about this logically…"

"As do you," Jane retorted. "Don't be emotional about this, Captain. I will face up to this. I appreciate your need to protect me, but I won't see you incarcerated on my behalf. If you want to help me, there is more that you can do with your influence. More than you can accomplish in your circle of high-ranking friends. People have to start realising that they have to prepare for a war. And I can't accomplish any of that on my own. I've tried. I've been trying to get people to listen to me ever since I woke to the sound of Miranda Lawson's voice." She shook her head stubbornly. "And look where I am. In a lot of ways, I am no further today than I was then. So please, let it go. I will not let you take the fall for me and, even if you try, I doubt anybody will believe you." Jane put as much finality into her voice as she could.

But she could tell immediately that her mother was not convinced. There were two things that stood in her way of converting the woman to her way of thinking. The first was that her mother never took orders well, especially not from her daughter whom she believed didn't deserve the command that she had gotten. They had never spoken about it, but Jane knew that Hannah had not approved of her command of the first Normandy. There had been no time to discuss her reasons and now, two years later, Jane didn't have the energy. With her future in the Alliance uncertain, she hardly cared. What she cared about, what she knew she had to do – simply because nobody else was getting up and taking the job – was try and find a strategy to stop the Reapers.

Did the Bahak blast destroy them? Or at least the first wave? She had to hope that it did, because the thought that they would be arriving in the galaxy within a few days, or weeks, was paralysing.

We're not ready, which is why I have to own up to what I did…

But that brought her to the second reason why her mother wasn't convinced to allow Jane to do so.

There's no telling what the galactic community will do to me when I do. She just wants to protect me.

Staring at Samara's old bed, Jane realised that she had lost her concentration a bit. Both her mother and Chakwas were looking at her with mirrored images of concern on their features. She loved both of them in that moment, but turned to Chakwas.

"When can I get up?" She asked. "I would like to hold the meeting in the briefing room. Or even my room." She didn't want to admit it, but she wanted to get out of the infirmary as quickly as possible. Chakwas considered her words, glancing at her omnitool before she reluctantly nodded to herself.

"Well, if you promise to remain quiet," she said slowly, "I can concede to you staying in your room. Your recovery is on track. Who would you like present in the meeting?"

The commander considered the question for a moment.

"Yourself and Miranda obviously," she pointed out, then glanced at the corner where Jack had been keeping her vigil, remembering the biotic suddenly. She wasn't there at the moment, but the datapad that was still on the floor told Jane that she would be coming back. "Jack and Garrus. Yeoman Chambers. Tali and Jacob." She sighed inwardly. "And you, Mum. Miranda can inform the others who were present on the Normandy in a later meeting." She hesitated, an idea she had been playing with unconsciously coming to light. "And Dr Gable. I need you to bring her in as well."

Catherine blinked at her, shocked and she wasn't the only one. Her mother shifted on her chair and gave her a stern look.

"I hardly think this concerns her," she pointed out. "She's a civilian and, regardless of what happens, it won't affect her."

Oh, how little you know of this crew.

Jane looked at the two women with patience.

"Maybe," she said. "But I still want her present. It's non-negotiable. I'm not going to utter a word without Abby present." To her surprise, Chakwas chuckled suddenly, a dry sound without humour. When she gave her a questioning look the doctor shrugged.

"I'm just wondering under what sort of gypsy spell she has you," she pointed out. "I'll call her when we're ready. Maybe have her come in a bit earlier." She didn't explain why. "What about Mordin?"

Jane felt stupid for a moment. "Of course," she said. "Please." For a moment, she tried to consider the progression of her future, but couldn't. What will be will be. I do not regret what I had to do. "And ask him, while you're at it, when I can go and see Samara."