.-.-.-.-.
Fishsticks
.-.-.-.-.

Castiel felt a sense of deja vu wash over him as he watched himself on the laptop screen. He could recall flashes of the events he watched, but not enough to piece it all together into anything coherent—not that anything involving his brother usually turned out coherent anyway. This time, he didn't have a glass of whiskey to take the brunt of his embarrassment. 'And people like this?' he mumbled incredulously as he watched himself trudge grumpily across the screen.

'So whaddya think about sea serpents?' Gabriel's voice asked.

'Define "sea serpent,"' Castiel replied, leaning unsteadily against a palm tree.

'You know… Big, long, mysterious, uh…sea…serpents,' Gabriel haltingly replied.

'Like an oarfish?' Castiel said hatefully. 'If you dragged me out here for a stupid oarfish… Those actually exist and fulfill every feature of the classic sea serpent. Maybe you should change your show to about how common animals are mistaken for your cryptid trash.'

'Hey!'

He pushed off the tree with a dirty look, mumbling about oarfish and his useless brother.

'They can't be that common if people keep mistaking them for…' Charlie trailed off as Castiel shot her a withering glare. The boom mic dropped in frame for a moment then quickly shot back up when Gabriel cleared his throat.

Castiel let out a frustrated sigh as he turned his back on the camera, glancing momentarily off screen. 'As… With the progression of technology and infrastructure, we are able to discover…species that were previously thought extinct or…made up. We have only explored about five percent of the ocean. Hell, for all we know some species of mermaid exists,' he said. 'Realistically, they'd look more like a manatee o-or a…a viperfish! Oh, God. That would be horrifying…' He broke off into hysterical laughter, slumping against the tree and slowly sinking to the ground.

The screen turned black, and Gabriel paused the footage. 'We're gonna get some drawings inserted here. We decided to cut the part where you ranted about hating me and you life, and the producers, and how Dean was this perfect, wonderful… What was the word you used? Oh, yeah! Asshole.' He raised his brow at Castiel as he looked at his brother. 'Besides just initially mentioning mermaids, I was kinda impressed that you didn't slip up,' he said with a grin. 'But we couldn't keep the rant. Way too many expletives. The whole tirade woulda been a bleep.'

'Don't people think that's amusing?' Castiel asked. His eyes lingered on the bruise Gabriel was sporting on his jaw—he had yet to find out how Gabriel had acquired it, but he had a feeling he had been the cause.

'Some crowds, but I'm aiming for an audience that's in this for learning, not just the humor. Don't need you completely stealing the show!'

'I don't want to steal it!' Castiel moaned as he leaned back. He growled as Gabriel pulled him back up.

'Not so fast! You can mope after we're done here.' Gabriel unpaused the video, grinning and bouncing in his seat. 'This is after you calmed down with another drink.'

'Alright, fine! Monster? Define "monster!" Because, right now? You're a monster!' Castiel shouted, his words slurring. 'The elusive assbutt of Illinois! I'm out here, trying to be serious, and you're… Ugh! You keep going on about sea dragons, sea serpents, and sea monsters! They are not real! Not in the sense that you're thinking! And even if they were, they would not… They would not look how you're expecting them! You keep showing these images o-o-of things! Not real…things! Fake things! Made up things! Things that could not physically exist in the environment you're claiming they're found in!'

He stumbled and almost fell over, but Dean had run on screen to catch him. He glared at Dean before sighing and patting the hand on his shoulder, quietly assuring that he was fine. He watched as Dean moved off screen then stared forlornly at his feet.

'If…if you want people to believe in this…bull crap, then you need to at least do some research into what these creatures would physically need in order to survive. You can't have a creature that supposedly lives off seaweed and depict it with the teeth of a carnivore. You can't have a large oceanic monstrosity living in a small lake,' Castiel said. He scratched at his head, sending his hair into disarray. 'There is plenty of unexplored ocean out there. Hell. Even on land there are still new species being discovered… But you can't just disregard their environment for the sole purpose of your fantasy!'

'So… What do you think a classic sea dragon should look like?' Gabriel prompted. 'But uh…you can't pick anything that currently exists.'

Castiel crossed his arms and stared at the sky as he thought. 'Similar to a plesiosaurus. You would have the slim length of a sea snake for the neck and the bulk of a…a…thingy. Big, scaly… A crocodile,' he replied. 'They're extinct, but… There are other species previously thought extinct that we come across every now and again. Coelacanth, for instance.'

'No idea what that is!'

'A fish,' Castiel deadpanned. 'Look, I think…' He paused, staring off screen as he tilted his head and licked his lips. 'I think you're dealing with a whale carcass here. It's not uncommon, and they look pretty fantastical when you don't know what you're looking at.'

Castiel sputtered as Gabriel shook him excitedly. 'What?! What did I do?'

'You gave me my in!' Gabriel replied, grinning wildly. 'This is perfect! We get to go back to the original plan! Sure, we don't have our corpse, but I'm sure you've got connections that can hook us up with some cool pics.'

'I have a few, but I'm charging you full price.'

'Whatever. Keep watching. This is where you try to throw me into the pond,' Gabriel said gleefully.

Sure enough, Castiel had called for Dean to take the camera so he could speak with Gabriel.

'Yep. Just hold her steady. Like that,' Gabriel said to Dean. He looked into the camera and winked. 'Sorry, kids. A little short staffed today.'

'You're short,' Castiel bit out petulantly.

Gabriel rolled his eyes before joining his brother. 'Whatcha need?'

'Only this,' Castiel said as he placed his hand on Gabriel's shoulder. He quickly grabbed Gabriel's collar and began dragging him toward a pond. 'Why do you insist on ruining my life?! I'll drown you! And when Mother asks what happened, I'll say you fell into a puddle!'

Gabriel struggled against Castiel's hold and squawked when they reached the water. He slipped, pulling Castiel down into the shallow water with him. 'C'mon! Don't be like this, Cassie! Think of our poor, dead mother!'

Castiel swung his arm out, clipping Gabriel on the jaw before overbalancing and falling back into the water. 'She's not dead, you psychotic oaf!'

The pair continued to swat and splash at each other as Dean's voice whispered in the background.

'Should we stop them?'

Charlie sighed, and the tip of the boom mic entered the frame. 'Nah. Let 'em get it out of their systems.'

.-.-.-.-.

That evening, the whole crew had gathered in the dining room. Laughter filled the room as Samandriel recounted one of the many times he had made an aspirin run in the pouring rain.

'Well, what do you expect? I was hungover, and you get paid to do that sort of crap!' Gabriel whined.

Samandriel nodded as he tipped his glass to Gabriel. 'Best job I've had so far,' he replied. 'For once, I don't have to fight for time off. I just schedule you around me!' He laughed at the indignant look Gabriel shot him.

'And it's perfect for me, 'cuz my birthday is the day before his mom's!' Anna added.

'You were born? I thought you fell from the sky 'cuz God cast you outta Heaven,' Balthazar said, sniggering.

Anna frowned as she tried to fight her way through the drunken haze clouding her thoughts. She decided it was an insult. 'Hey… At least I didn't let the kinkiest lay of my life slip outta my fingers 'cuz I was too stupid to talk to him!'

Balthazar groaned and let his head fall to the table with a dull thunk. 'I'm impulsive,' he said defensively.

'I'm not that kinky,' Castiel grumbled at the same time.

'I finally have something in common with my brother, and he's managed to out-whore me,' Gabriel complained before taking a long swig of his drink. 'Something's wrong with me. Sam, what's wrong with me?' he asked, tilting his head back as Sam passed by, collecting empty glasses.

Sam leaned down and lightly kissed Gabriel's forehead. 'You're an idiot, but at least you're a cute idiot.'

Gabriel frowned and whined pathetically. He glanced over to where Charlie and Dean were—both bent over a phone and laughing. 'What are you two doing?' he asked, squinting in suspicion.

'They're texting Crowley,' Castiel replied. He shook his head slightly at the alarmed expression Gabriel gave him. 'Nothing incriminating. I think they're messing with him a little bit. Something about seahorses last time I checked,' he said dismissively.

'Only 'cuz you suggested it,' Charlie called back. 'Oh, oh! Skirts made of seaweed and glass beads,' she said, pointing at the screen.

'Right…' Gabriel turned his attention away from the pair and stared at his brother. 'Why?'

Castiel shrugged. 'Honestly? Because Jody's enamored, and Crowley's a little curious himself. Even if he won't admit it. The one he's worked with had little interest in speaking about culture.' He sighed and smiled softly as Dean reached over and tugged at his shirt.

'So… Cassandra Couture?' Dean said with a wide grin. He showed Castiel the image that Crowley had sent.

Castiel felt his face heat up as his thoughts screeched to a halt. Staring back at him was his own smiling face—painted up and framed by a black wig, topped by a glittery cowboy hat. He jumped as Anna leaned over his shoulder to get a look.

'Oh, she's pretty,' she said. 'One of your exes?'

Castiel blinked and desperately grabbed for the out Anna had unwittingly given him. 'Ye—'

'No! That's him! That's Cassie!' Charlie exclaimed over Castiel. 'Show the picture before that one. The one on the bull!'

'Please don't,' he quietly begged.

Dean's grin became uncertain as he searched Castiel's face. He didn't think he did anything wrong. He thought Castiel looked amazing in the pictures, and he was more than willing to show off his gorgeous mate to the world. Then he remembered how Castiel worried over others finding out about his hobbies. 'Okay,' he said, nodding.

Before Dean could tuck the phone away, Gabriel had reached over the table and plucked it from Dean's fingers.

'I wanna see!' Gabriel stared at the image in confusion, tilting his head from side to side. 'Why's Mom weari— Oh, my God!' His head shot up to stare at Castiel, wide, blue eyes staring back. He looked back down at the same blue eyes in the picture. 'How come you get to look like a supermodel in drag, and I end up looking like some jerk going through his girlfriend's closet?!'

His mouth snapped shut as the table fell silent around him. 'Not that…I've ever tried.' He hung his head as laughter erupted around him and silently handed the phone to Castiel.

'If you really want to do your, uh…dryad bit, then I could help you out. I'm not the best at contouring others, but I could give it a try,' Castiel said as he tucked his phone away. He blinked at the sudden grin Gabriel shot him.

'You won't regret it,' Gabriel promised.

.-.-.-.-.

Meanwhile, in front of a small lake, Lucifer sat in front of a wooden sign, painting it white. Beside him, a young merman with sandy hair and a yellow tail with green markings lay on his stomach, typing away on a laptop.

'I like this Alfie guy better than Anna,' he said.

'Samandriel is a good worker,' Lucifer admitted as he set his brush aside.

'And he's kinda cute,' he continued, glancing surreptitiously at Lucifer. 'Wouldn't mind meeting him. In person. For a little bit.'

'Poseidon—'

'Adam,' he growled, throwing in a threatening series of clicks.

Lucifer looked at Adam with a raised brow. 'Such language,' he tutted.

'You don't even know what I said!' Adam shot back, pushing himself up. 'For all you know, I'm talking about baseball.'

'I don't understand what you have against the name. It's a good, strong name.'

'So's Triton.' Adam grinned as Lucifer glared at the whited-out sign. 'How's about you put the name I chose on that sign for once. We all win! I get my name, Michael doesn't get his, and, well, neither do you, but sometimes the sacrifice is worth it for the other guy to suffer. Right?'

Lucifer sighed and pushed a small tub of black paint toward Adam. 'Very well. I suppose you've earned a turn. It'll give you a chance to work on your handwriting.'

Adam whistled happily and dragged himself up to the signpost, pulling his tail completely from the water. He took a paint brush from the small collection that Lucifer had brought with him and began carefully painting his name in a flowing script.

Lucifer stood, shaking his head as he watched the young merman work. He looked over his shoulder when he heard the crunch of someone walking up the small, gravel path to the lake. 'Michael. So good of you to join us.'

Michael nodded at Lucifer then looked at the sign. 'So…'

'Makes him happy,' Lucifer replied before lowering his voice to a whisper. 'And it's distracting him from wanting to join the dating pool.'

'Who?' Michael asked, worry creeping up his spine. There were a few of his and Lucifer's employees who knew of Adam's existence as a mermaid. The rest simply knew him as the odd, reclusive kid with the wild imagination.

'Samandriel.'

Michael frowned, trying to remember who Samandriel was. His mind supplied an image of a drunken Gabriel leaning on the shoulder of a young man. The young man had given him an apologetic smile. The only apologetic smile he had ever been inclined to forgive. 'Gabriel's gopher?'

Lucifer nodded, not taking his eyes off Adam, who had begun to add little drawings of smiling fish to his sign.

'Well. I suppose I could think of worse options. You'll have to fight Gabriel for him, but only if you want the show to fail.'

Lucifer glared at Michael in annoyance. Michael was right, but there had to be another way to have the best of both worlds.

'Do we have sequins?'