AN: Happy Friday friends! A sweet guest reviewer gave me a good idea: a flashback around Sonny finding out about Amanda's incident with Chief Patton. You know I love me some angst. I'll probably toss that in the next chapter, and if anybody has more suggestions, I am open!

what draws you to her / tell me what you like / so I can practice

When Liv called her, Amanda was squeezed into the overstuffed armchair in Ruby's room, baby on one side, Luca on the other. It was seven o'clock at night, a half hour before the little boy's bed time, but he had crowded in with his mother instead. It was a battle they waged almost every night; in addition to Luca being a rambunctious toddler, he was jealous of his little sister. Usually, either Amanda or Sonny kept firm to their boundaries, but neither of them had the energy to argue that night. So while Amanda gave Ruby her last bottle, Luca curled his pajama-clad body into any available space on his mother's lap and sucked his thumb. He didn't need a story or entertainment, he just wanted to be close to her, and Amanda had to admit that it was hard to deny her precious two-year-old the affection.

She very carefully lifted her arm from around her son to grab her ringing phone from the top of Ruby's changing table. She balanced it between her shoulder and ear. "Hey, Liv."

"Rollins, how's it going?" the lieutenant greeted her. "You ready to come back tomorrow?"

Amanda looked down at her lap: Ruby's head was lolling to one side, her little body drowsy and filled with milk. Luca was still fighting sleep, blonde eye lashes fluttering atop chubby cheeks, the side of his face pressed against her chest. She frowned slightly. "Yeah, I'm ready."

"I wanted to give you a heads up: it's going to be a little wild here," Liv went on. "We've got some officers in from LAPD and Seattle PD doing some training in Special Victims work-"

"Yeah, I know," Amanda interrupted before she could stop herself.

"Carisi told you?"

"Kinda... yeah."

"Alright, well, they'll be hanging around between their trainings."

"Copy that."

"How's the baby doing?" Liv asked curiously.

She smiled. "She's good. I think she's going through a little growth spurt, she's eating like crazy."

"Is Audrey gonna be able to handle taking care of three kids?" Liv wondered.

"Yeah," Amanda replied tentatively. "Yeah, she'll be okay."

The night, Amanda couldn't sleep. She was anxious - more anxious than she had been after either of her previous children. It seemed to be an ongoing theme: everything was more challenging with Ruby, except sweet Ruby herself. She was a good baby, but Amanda had struggled quite literally from the moment she was born. Her mood had improved slowly over the past three and a half months, but she was still plagued with worry about nothing and everything at the same time. She had always been high-strung, but now space in her head was rented almost constantly by what ifs.

Frannie followed her downstairs. Amanda flicked on the track lighting above the kitchen island and quietly pulled a bottle of whiskey from the liquor cabinet. Clinking an ice cube into a glass, she poured the alcohol over it. She hoped the drink would help put her to sleep, because it was one a.m., and six o'clock in the morning would come quickly. She sipped the whiskey before setting down her cup and staring into the amber liquid. The house was so quiet - almost too quiet - and Amanda contemplated settling herself on the living room couch to watch some television just for the noisy distraction.

"I thought I felt you get up."

Amanda looked up to see Sonny padding into the kitchen in an old Mets t-shirt and basketball shorts, his hair looking as if he had just stuck his finger into an electrical socket. He ruffled a hand through the stands as he yawned loudly.

"Sorry, I was trying not to wake you," she apologized sheepishly.

"S'okay. I'm hungry anyway." He pulled open the refrigerator before casting a suspicious glance at her over his shoulder. "What's with the booze?"

Amanda took another sip of whiskey. "I can't sleep."

"How come?" Sonny pulled a pizza box from the middle shelf and set it down on the island. Turning around, he cracked the cardboard container open. "You nervous?"

"No," she insisted hastily, the words leaving her mouth before he even finished the query.

"Yeah, that sounded convincing," he remarked sarcastically as he chewed on a cold, leftover slice. He eyed her. "Is this about Dana?"

She glared at him. "No, Sonny, it's not."

"Good." He tore off another bite before asking, "so what is it?"

Amanda sighed as she swirled the ice and liquor around in her glass. "I'm... I'm gonna miss the baby, that's all," she mumbled. "Bein' at home with all of them... it's hard, but it was nice, too."

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Sonny frown. "I thought you'd be excited to go back."

"I am, I just..." Just what? she lamented internally. There are so many things, I don't even know where to start. "I wanna be good at everything," she admitted. "What if I... what if I go back this time and I'm a crappy cop? Or what if I can't figure out how to be a decent mom of three kids and do the job? Luca is so clingy lately, I'm worried he's gonna have a total meltdown tomorrow when I go. I don't know what's going on with him. You don't think something's wrong with him, do you?" She didn't wait for him to answer her anxious question before she was barreling ahead, "and Audrey - Liv made me think, when she called me earlier - what if it's too much for her? She's only twenty-seven years old, I always forget that. When I was twenty-seven years old I was... well, I thought I knew everything and I made so many mistakes. Taking care of an infant and two kids isn't gonna be easy..."

Sonny's eyes were wide when she finally met them; he was holding the crust of his pizza in the air, halfway to his mouth, frozen in obvious surprise. He set it down after a few seconds, brushed off his hands and stepped closer to her. He rested a palm against her lower back and tilted his head in an attempt to catch her gaze. "You've always been a great cop and a great mother. Neither of those things are gonna change. Not a chance," he insisted. "I don't think there's anything wrong with Luca. I think he's the middle kid who loves his mother, and once he starts preschool he's gonna have an easier time bein' away from you. And, Audrey is a saint. She took care of Jesse when she was a baby, then Luca, and now she'll take care of Ruby. Jesse's in school all day so it'll just be the little ones. She can handle it, we've never had any reason to think otherwise."

Head bowed and eyes on her drink, Amanda nodded.

"I'm here too, ya know," he reminded her gently. "Half the time I don't know what the hell I'm doin' either."

Amanda shook her head in disagreement. "You're good at everything," she mumbled bitterly. "A good cop, a good lawyer, a good dad... a great husband..."

"Well, I'm glad you think so," he chuckled, "but the only way I can be good at any of those things is by doin' it all with you."

She felt a little grin pull at the corners of her mouth despite her worry. She lifted her blue eyes to meet Sonny's. "You're awfully sweet for one o'clock in the morning."

He kissed the side of her head before reaching a long arm out for his pizza again. "I'm just bein' honest. I can't imagine doin' any of this by myself." He held the slice out in front of her. "Bite?"

Amanda's eyes narrowed on him, not in suspicion, but in quiet amazement. A simple reminder from Sonny relieved the weight of her anxiety in just a few moments; she was not alone in anything she did. She smiled again, sheepish, and leaned in to take a bite of the pizza. She quirked an eyebrow as she chewed. "That's pretty good."

"As good as what I make?" he challenged her.

She shook her head. "Nah."

Sonny responded with a smug grin.

She looked down at her drink again in thoughtful silence, then back over to Sonny. "Thanks," she told him eventually.

"For what?" he asked thickly, now working on slice number two.

Glass in hand, Amanda moved behind him, her free palm giving his back an affectionate rub on the way to the sink. "For... bein' you."

"Oh. Sure. Anytime," Sonny responded, sounding both confused and pleased.

She dumped the last of her whiskey down the drain and climbed the stairs to return to bed.

The precinct was quiet and dark at eight thirty at night, except for the sound of Sonny typing on his laptop and the dim glow of his desk lamp. He was two hours into catching up on paperwork that was technically due the week prior. He had never been so late with reports before, but he had also never had three children, and that was the real reason why he had fallen behind. Even though he was a fairly energetic person, Sonny was exhausted lately. Ruby slept, but only for an absolute maximum of five hours at a time - and then she was crying again. Luca was deep into his 'terrible twos' and threw epic tantrums, did exactly the opposite of whatever he and Amanda asked, and had gotten into the annoying habit of opening every cabinet and drawer just to empty them of all of their contents at the most inconvenient times. Jesse was less crazed but still needy as she learned to read, write and navigate the kindergarten social system. Even despite the day-to-day struggles, Sonny couldn't imagine a different kind of life that he would prefer - except maybe one where he got to take a nap on occasion.

He peered up from his work when he heard footsteps in the precinct. He saw Dana moving across the bullpen, purse slung over her shoulder, LAPD shield on her hip, and her arms crossed tightly across her chest as she seemingly scanned the room for something.

When Sonny looked at her, he didn't feel anything at all.

He used to, of course. They had spent two years together and most of it had been good. He had loved her back then. Dana was clever, driven and impossibly sweet. She was always smiling, always asking how can I help?, and she never spoke ill of anybody. Their families went to the same church, she was an excellent cook, she was definitely easy on the eyes... but when she left for Los Angeles, Sonny mourned her loss far less than he had anticipated. He supposed in his heart he had always known that she wasn't 'the one,' but it was hard to reconcile that feeling with all of her pleasant attributes. Still, it nagged him, and he had been trying to figure out a kind way to break up with her when she announced that she wanted to move to the west coast. It gave him the perfect out.

Sonny didn't think about Dana anymore, but now that she had returned to New York, he quickly realized that she thought about him. He was glad to see her, happy she was doing well and still had the same enthusiasm for life she had always possessed, but he didn't return her not-so-subtle looks of longing. He thought the simple fact that he was married with children would send a clear enough message, but in the days she had been in town, Dana still lingered with a kind of palpable hopefulness that made Sonny cringe internally.

"Sonny, hey," Dana said. "Lieutenant Benson said I forgot my sweater in here..."

"Hey. Yeah, it's right there on Amanda's chair." He pointed in the direction of Amanda's near-by desk.

Dana walked over and picked up the garment and Sonny turned his attention back to his computer screen.

"Thanks. You wanna take a break and grab a beer?" he heard Dana ask. "There's this bar by my hotel that looks cool..."

He lifted his gaze to look at her. "Ah, I don't think so. I gotta finish this stuff up or Lieu's gonna kill me. Plus, I gotta get home... bedtime has been a real struggle with Luca lately. His head starts spinnin' around..." He offered her a sheepish smile before he went back to his keyboard. He was being honest - he had things to do - but he also knew better than to take her up on her offer no matter his schedule. Focused on his documentation again, Sonny hoped Dana would get the hint.

"She didn't change her last name?" Dana's question broke the momentary silence.

"Huh?" He looked up and saw her studying the placard on Amanda's desk. It was an old name plate: right before she was due to leave Atlanta PD, Amanda had ripped it off of the wall outside of her office and brought it with her to New York. Besides her shield, it was the first official marker of her promotion to detective, reading DET. A. ROLLINS in bright white letters. "Oh, no, she did. It's just here, it woulda been kinda confusing, havin' two Carisis."

"I can't believe your Chief's okay with you two being married and working together," Dana went on.

"Yeah, well, One PP isn't thrilled but... it's kinda the least of NYPD's problems right now," he explained with a shrug. He glanced at his watch; at this rate, he would never get out of there. He wasn't sure what was more daunting: pissing Liv or Amanda off. Just as he was about to return to typing, Dana's spoke again.

"Can I ask you something?" she said.

Either Dana was ignoring his very obvious attempts at appearing preoccupied or she somehow hadn't noticed. Suppressing a sigh, he figured, maybe he could multitask. Sonny kept his eyes on his screen, checking off boxes in the clunky software they used to file certain reports. "Sure."

"What do you see in her?"

"In who?"

"Amanda."

He paused. Turning in his chair, he eyed Dana. She looked serious, almost irritated. "You're askin' me what I see in my wife?" he asked incredulously. He didn't bother hiding his shock; it was an awfully bold question.

She shrugged her slim shoulders. "You two just seem so... different."

Sonny was momentarily rendered speechless - which was a fairly impressive feat. Dana had never been shy, but he couldn't recall her willingly getting involved in the personal lives of others. Maybe she felt like she could with him, like their history meant she was entitled to this sort of conversation, but Sonny found it off-putting.

"I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be rude. Maybe that came out the wrong way, I just... I'm just surprised," Dana went on hastily as she sat on the edge of Amanda's desk. She frowned, then looked wistful. "You and me, we had a good thing going for awhile, didn't we?"

He cleared his throat, bracing himself for what he was sure would be an onslaught of awkwardness. "Yeah, we did."

"And you could have come to California with me," she reminded him earnestly. "I asked you."

"My pops wasn't doin' well with his heart condition, remember? I couldn't leave my ma and my sisters. Plus, I had just got accepted to Fordham..."

"Did you even want to come?"

"No. I didn't," he admitted honestly, although when he saw the hurt flash across Dana's face, he added quickly, "I mean, I just, I've always wanted to stay in New York. Work for NYPD. Raise a family here."

"I would have come back, if you asked me," she told him softly.

Dana looked a combination of sad and hopeful and Sonny felt a twinge of guilt. Was he being insensitive? He was so damn tired; this was a conversation that required a kind of patience that he didn't possess. Still, he didn't want to hurt her. "I was pissed when you decided to leave but, c'mon. You had your goals and I had mine." He tried to keep his tone gentle even if inside, he was becoming more annoyed and defensive by the second. "We wanted different things."

"Sometimes life pulls people apart for a little while, until they're ready to appreciate one another," Dana responded sweetly. "I've always believed that."

In the past, he had admired her tenacity. Now, Sonny was bothered by it. "Dana... I agree with that, but, that isn't what's happenin' here," he explained slowly, wanting to ensure that she heard every word. "Amanda and I want the same things. I know she doesn't always come off as warm and fuzzy, but she's got a really big heart. I don't even... I can't even describe to you what life was like before me and her were together, 'cause I don't remember. She's not just my wife and the mother of my kids, she's my best friend."

The silence that fell between them was painful. Sonny watched Dana's face: her green eyes filled with tears, but they didn't fall, even as she nodded silently. The sight made him want to get up and leave just so he wouldn't have to look at her. He wasn't trying to be cruel, but even though he had the tendency to be a people-pleaser, he was not willing to have any involvement in Dana's ongoing infatuation. She may not have respected his relationship with Amanda, but he certainly did. "I'm sorry," he added eventually, because he was. Not for the choices he had made in his life, but for causing Dana any pain. Sonny didn't get any satisfaction out of doing that.

"Yeah... well, I should get going," she announced suddenly, awkwardly, straightening up and tucking her hair behind her ears. She offered him a small, forced smile. "I'll see you tomorrow."

She looked as uncomfortable as Sonny felt. He nodded. "Alright, yeah. See ya."

By the time Sonny got home, everything was quiet.

He climbed the stairs as he loosened his tie. He hoped Amanda was awake, although she hadn't responded to the text message he had sent her letting her know that he was finally leaving the precinct. Their bedroom door was ajar, warm light spilling out into the hallway, and he pushed it open further cautiously. In leggings and a white t-shirt, Amanda was curled up on her side on their bed, her back to him. Her bright blonde hair was spread out against their cream-colored comforter, her cheek resting atop her outstretched arm. Sonny walked over to his side of the bed to see Ruby was asleep on her back next to her, dressed in a gray Atlanta Braves onesie. He grinned. When Luca was born, he and Amanda had come to an agreement: Sonny could put the little boy in Mets attire, but whatever child came after, Amanda could deck out in Braves paraphernalia. She had not hesitated to make good on their deal.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, he reached an hand out and set it gently on the toned muscle of Amanda's thigh. He gave it a gentle squeeze. "'Manda?"

"Hm?" she hummed. Her eyes fluttered open, then darted around, eventually settling on the infant between them. "Hey... oh... I meant to put her to bed..."

"I just, I wanna talk to you," he explained. He wasn't sure why he felt compelled to say that, but it came out of his mouth anyway.

"Okay..." She began to struggle to sit up. "Lemme just put her..."

Sonny stopped her with a hand. "I got her." Gently, he picked up the baby, who whimpered and whined in protest. "Alright, Ruby, alright. Sorry to interrupt your snoozin'..." he told her apologetically as he adjusted her in his arms. He carried her into the nursery and carefully set her down on her back in her crib. Her little limbs flailed briefly as she tried to figure out how to get her thumb into her mouth; she had been born with the habit. Leaning in, Sonny smoothed a hand over Ruby's head, which was now covered in a mass of light brown hair. "'Night, gorgeous girl," he told her quietly. "I'm sure you'll be wakin' the whole house up in four hours..."

When he returned to the bedroom Amanda was sitting up on their bed, bleary-eyed but awake. Her gaze narrowed on him through the messy splay of her bangs. "What's goin' on?"

"I just wanted to talk to you." Sonny sat on the edge of bed beside her again.

She pulled her legs into her chest, arms wrapping loosely around them. She wiggled her toes, painted bright red, and yawned. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, it's fine. I just..." He furrowed his brow. It was an immense relief to be there, at home, with her. This was where he belonged. He had never doubted it, but after his interaction with Dana that night, he was even more certain that the life he lived with Amanda was exactly what he wanted.

"What, Sonny?" Now Amanda looked anxious.

"I love you," he blurted. "I love everything about you. Everything."

For a second she looked confused, then amused. A little laugh bubbled up from her. She reached out and cupped his cheek affectionately, fingers grazing his jaw and chin before falling down to the mattress. "I love you, too."

"I just, ah, wanted to let you know that," Sonny concluded.

"Okay..." Amanda opened her mouth to say something else, then closed it, as if she had thought better of it.