Published August 12, 2009
Monday October 22th: Week 8, Day 36
"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed. "So how was your weekend Yoshi?"
Yoshi dropped to the floor and crawled under his desk, whimpering in fear. "I guess that you got my package in the mail. How did you like the chicken wings?"
"Did you send Yoshi fully feathered chicken wings?" Marth asked, highly suspicious.
"No I did not. They were breaded and cooked, fully edible. I had some myself. There was just a note that said 'I will eat your face with a white hot spork', he's just overreacting." Ganondorf shook his head, clearly disappointed in Yoshi. "Tomorrow is main trial, so I happy about it! You shouldn't be Mario…"
"What did you do?"
"You will find out soon enough my overweight plumber nemesis…"
Fox was messing around with one of his many electronic devices. "I wonder if I could record Ganondorf laughing and warp it into crying somehow," he said to Rayquaza. "Wouldn't it be awesome to have a recording of Ganondorf crying?" He turned to the King of Evil. "Hey Ganon, can you laugh for me?"
"I will not laugh on request like some kind of trained bear! I only laugh in suitable situations so do not order me around you skinny hamburger-born Greek!" Ganondorf roared. "Do not push me!" He kicked Yoshi's desk over and began to strangle Yoshi.
The anthropomorphic mammal frowned. "Snake, how would you like to make a dollar?" He heard no response. "Snake? SNAKE? SNAAAAAAAAA-"
A brick clubbed Fox between the eyes. A note with "Shut up" written on it was attached.
"Son of a… where is Snake anyway?"
-Underground-
Link collapsed, falling flat on his face. He could taste the dirt which lay on the metallic silver floor. "Snake… We've been here for days. Why can't we just go? Why can't I just go?"
Snake was crawling on the floor ahead, feeling the floor. "I like to have someone to talk to while I'm on missions. I lost my codec gambling, so you'll have to do." He found a hole in the floor and pulled up a trapdoor. "This must be the warehouse."
"You have no basis for that theory, it could just be a hooker storage! Why can't we LEAVE?!"
"You shut up, I'm always right in my assumptions." Snake dropped into the hole and Link wondered if now would be a good time to escape. Snake emerged moments later. "It's a warehouse full of hookers, I'm close enough."
-An alley-
Meta Knight dropped from the roof, seeing Wolf waiting in the shadows. "You're late."
"I'm not late," Meta Knight said. "I'm early! How long have you been here for…? Is that a couch? And a TV? And-"
"All right, I had some problems with my landlord and now I live here. I may have told her that I would eat her face and get Wario to crap down her throat, it's in the past and I'm sure mom will forgive me. So where is my cash?"
Meta Knight took out two sacks with money sign on it and handed them to Wolf.
"I assume that subtly isn't your strong point." Wolf took the sacks nonetheless. "I also assume that the case is not going so smoothly if you are resorting to bribing a member of the jury."
"You're a member of the jury, is it really that hard to answer that question?" Meta Knight asked. "I seriously don't think they'll believe that it was some sort of time paradox clone, or the Irish."
"You're going to blame the Irish?"
"I'm going to try. I may even say that he was brainwashed by purple elephants made of oranges from Jupiter. That's believable, right?"
"As believable as me, Wolf O'Donnell, still living with my mom. Now leave, the sports game that I'm betting all of this money on is starting," Wolf snapped, talking before Meta Knight could comment. Meta Knight decided that now would be a good time to leave.
As Wolf took a seat on his couch and turned on the television, a shadow entered the alley that he now lived in. "Wolf, you know why I'm here."
"Can this wait until after the game? I might be able to buy a mansion if these guys win!"
"You can spare four seconds to give it to me, it's pretty simple."
"If I take my eyes off for even a minute-"
"Dammit Wolf, NOTHING will happen if you give it to me! You won't even have to stop watching!"
"Fine, fine." Wolf reached into his jacket and threw the shadow a tape.
"I have no hands you asshole and I'm not gifted with psychic powers at the moment. You have to physically put it in my pocket."
"I'm watching the game."
The shadow decided to look at the television. "That's a battle reenactment you retard! Everyone knows who will win!"
"Everyone except the retard I'm betting against," Wolf interjected, grinning maniacally. "He thinks this is current! Look, that dead guy is taking out a water bottle."
"Who are you betting against?"
-Elsewhere-
"Sir, Samus wants to see you regarding-"
"Shut up!" Master Hand snapped. "If I win this money then I'll be able to retire from this piece of crap job teaching those little bastards."
"That's- I don't care anymore."
The Wire Frame exited the office. "Sorry Samus, he's… busy."
-Class-
"I'm getting low on ideas of what to do," Ganondorf said, stroking his chin. "I should grow a beard."
"I have some ideas!" Roy pulled out an overflowing binder, opening it to the first page. "Moveset training, teaching everyone to fly, cooking some Italian cuisine, play Diablo 2, study the PS3 for exploitable marketing flaws, buy a PS3 for Metal Gear Solid 4, find Snake, find Olimar, Ganonball, Falconball, Bowserball, develop a hilarious toilet flushing noise, and block out the sun… to name a few." He closed the binder and smiled, his face displaying extreme pride.
If Ganondorf was capable of crying he would have tears in his eyes. "You've come so far…" He opened his arms and he and Roy hugged each other… until Ganondorf broke a rib. "NEVER LET YOUR GUARD DOWN DUE TO EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENTS! Royandolf taught you that a few days back while you were playing Jenga!" He let the pained Roy drop to the floor. "Nevertheless, those good ideas. Today we shall teach you all to fly."
On the roof, several characters were nervous. "Won't the fatalities add to your list of crimes?" Fox asked, hoping to get out of this.
"NO, I BRIBE SEVERAL PEOPLE!"
"Come on, flying's easy," Rayquaza encouraged as he slithered through the air. "You have to supercharge your brain and manipulate your body's electrons to repel against the ones lingering below you in the air, thus fighting gravity."
"Ignore giant snake Pokémon, he wrong! To fly, leap off high structure and will yourself to fly. If you have strong mind, YOU FLY. If you have weak mind, YOU DIE." Pit flapped his wings to fly. "Aside from those with bodily assistance. They assholes." He lifted up Luigi and Lucas, holding them over the edge.
"I'd feel better if we started on something smaller, and not a three story building," Lucas whimpered.
"It's not that-a scary," Luigi said.
"Listen to the Italian." Ganondorf dropped them both.
Lucas screamed as he fell, flailing his arms and eventually crashing into the ground. Luigi managed to land flawlessly by L-cancelling.
"Next up…" He picked up Sonic and Diddy. "…the obscure ones!"
"I'm not obscure, I'm just small-boned!" Sonic insisted.
"That make no sense. DROP!"
-Underground-
Snake snapped a guard's neck. "That's the first person we've encountered in hours, it means that more will be ahead."
"I'd like to live with your logic for one day, just to see how stupid things are." Link shook his head and continued forward in their journey. Snake hid the corpse in a locker before following cautiously. As Link had predicted, they did not encounter any more guards on their trip, at least until…
"METAL GEAR!" Snake suddenly yelled, pointing through a window to their left. Inside was a large machine with two legs and no arms. It had two jet engines on the sides and seemed to be fit for aerial combat. It looked threatening until one saw the missile launcher placed between its legs. Two shell carriers were attached to the missile launcher.
"Why does it look like Metal Gear Iron has a huge dick?" Link asked, more to himself.
"WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE METAL GEAR IRON HAS A HUGE DICK?" a British voice yelled from the other side of a door near them.
"Well the upper part is filled with machines to assist in flight, so we had to put it somewhere out of the way-"
"So you put it between its legs?!" the voice screamed again. "It's the least threatening death machine I've ever seen!" He stormed out of the room, revealing himself as Liquid Snake to Link and Snake. "BROTHER!"
"LIQUID!"
"BROTHER!"
"LIQUID!"
"BROTHER!"
"LIQUID!"
"BROTHER!"
"LIQUID!"
"Hello Link."
"Hello."
"BROTHER!"
"LIQUID!"
"BROTHER!"
"LIQUID!"
"BROTHER!"
"SOLIDUS!"
"SISTER!"
"RAIDEN!"
"NANNY!"
"CHARLIE WAFFLES!"
"AUSTRALIA!"
"This is getting annoying," Link said, stepping in. "If there's going to be a climactic showdown then let's have it now, all right?"
Liquid laughed at him. "Why now? There's so much more fun to be had!" He jumped through the window and ran through another door.
"Well that was weird."
"Even though he's the genetically superior twin, I'm really glad I'm not him," Snake said. "He's too loopy."
"Why hasn't he been murdered yet?"
"Because I haven't reached that stage yet. I'm still slowly weakening him by poisoning his food and surgically removing his muscles while he sleeps," Snake said. "I could always just break his neck while he's singing crap in the shower, but that's too anticlimactic."
-Roof-
Ganondorf pondered on whom to throw off the roof next. The individuals left were Giga Bowser, Falco, Pichu, and Ike. "Idea! You all go off at once!" He grabbed Falco and Pichu with his hands and put Giga Bowser and Ike under his armpits. "Off you go!"
"I REGRET NOTHING!" Pichu yelled as he fell.
"Then I haven't been trying hard enough." Ganondorf pulled a few explosives out of his pocket.
"I REGRET SAYING THAT!"
Pit and Kirby flew over to the madman atop the school. "We can fly!" Kirby pointed out.
"Where Jigglypuff?"
"He went home, something about not caring anymore," Pit said. "I'm not sure why I haven't followed."
"That sneaky devil!" Kirby exclaimed. "He's going to raid my radish garden!" Kirby began to fly away, intent on stopping Jigglypuff's menacing scheme. Pit was speechless, and decided to go have a conversation with Giga Bowser.