"She did what?"
Toushirou's reaction upon my explanation of what happened when I passed out on his office couch for the rest of the day yesterday was most definitely not a grateful one. While he initially was all for me training with Musei no Koe, he seemed completely irritated by it now. With good reason—I could have died in there with the way she was training me.
"Yeah—that's what happened. In the end though, I 'cheated' by using The Shinwa and ended up getting an attack in. She kept to her word and ended the training, then explained her reasoning behind her brutality. The brief synopsis is that basically I went in there without understanding the seriousness of the situation—which I completely contest to, but whatever—and that basically I need to go in there at 100% from here forward. I mean, I agree with her, but I'm kinda scared that one of these days I will die in there,"
"You can't die within your inner world—rest assured," he began.
"Are you fucking joking?" I internally vocalized as I externally dead-panned.
"I never said it was a possibility." Musei no Koe instantly defended upon my internal outburst.
"It doesn't excuse the fact that she went too far with your training—a zanpakutou going to that extreme with their master is hardly ever heard of. While time is clearly the issue, you'll miss the fundamentals of combat that way, and more than likely execute your attacks incorrectly and hurt yourself." He crossed his arms.
"While you're right, I made a promise to the Queen to give in to her bidding even if I'm against it personally." I explained—Musei no Koe just begging to scoff at me in my head.
I could tell that he was somewhat against it and wanted to have more of a say, but he kept his composure and prompted in other ways. "What about training outside of her domain? What are her rules?"
I shrugged. "You heard him—what's the deal?" I asked her aloud.
She didn't feel like answering me or him—that much was clear—but she graced me with an answer that I repeated aloud verbatim. "I already expected your guardian to provide additional training—you will need someone to practice on in time regardless."
"We'll begin your training this afternoon then—I have some things to take care of this morning, but after that I'll have a few free hours," he told me before he rose from the chabudai we sat at in his home. "I'll make sure you learn the basics, but still allow Musei no Koe time to teach as well. Additionally, I'll have Matsumoto join us—she would be a better sparring partner for you than I would,"
"See? Even with your sass he still takes you into consideration," I poked at her.
"Your point?"
"My point being that perhaps the disgust you have for everyone in general is misplaced with him specifically. The disgust with me is understandable, but him, not so much." I explained.
She didn't say anything at first while I responded to Toushirou by complying to the schedule he'd made for the day. I could feel her annoyance toward me just festering inside, and I couldn't help but crack a smile.
"You accept my distaste toward you?" She questioned—I almost laughed.
"If I can push your buttons like this, then it must mean that I'm somewhat important to you. I'm trying this new optimism thing for once—looking at it that way will make me feel less like of an asshole. Thanks for loathing me, I guess,"
"Finished?" Toushirou asked me as he gathered the plates from our breakfast—breaking the mental conversation I was in the middle of.
"Ah, yes—sorry," I sheepishly gulped the last bit of tea before picking up my plate as well. "Here, let me help you," I reached for some of the plates.
He handed some to me, and I followed to his decent sized kitchen to help him clean up everything. The guy had been cooking for me ever since we got here—the least I could do was the dishes now that I wasn't on bed rest. I nudged him out of the way and started warming up the water and rolling up my sleeves.
"You don't have to help, you know," Toushirou told me as he went to gather the remainder of cooking equipment.
"I'm a woman of what exactly?" I teased as he walked out of the room.
"So you keep reminding me," he gave in.
A small chuckle from me surfaced from his acceptance of my tease—reminding me of how it used to be between us before I turned into a constantly-sobbing wreck. I was sort of in a good mood today even with everything going on. Maybe it was because of yesterday's not-so-deadly training that I started getting a bit of confidence again. I wanted the old part of my personality that was fierce, and full of dry-humored sarcasm back, but not with the cold, disgusting part of my prior life it stemmed from.
He set the remaining few plates in the sink, and reached to steal the water momentarily. "I can take over so you can get ready," he prompted as he washed his hands.
"Again—I got it." I smiled before getting the next plate and focusing down on it.
I could sense he was sneaking glances at me as he dried his hands and started drying the plates, but I focused on what I was doing still partially lost in thought.
"You seem, different today," Toushirou commented—mirroring my thoughts.
I tried to stifle my blush—to no avail. "Oh? Is different bad?" I looked up at him.
"Not at all," he stifled my rising panic. "It's a good thing,"
"I see," I replied—settling back to focus on the pan I was scrubbing. "I'm happy to be doing something as normal and boring as dishes—anything that falls into my odd range of normalcy helps give my mind a break from everything in a weird way."
"And what exactly falls within that range?" he questioned as he stowed some of the dishes.
I shrugged. "I don't know—I guess cleaning? When I worked at the diner—as much as I hated it—it kept my mind occupied with stupid tasks rather than on the real reasoning of my employment. Those are really the only things that I can think of aside from the solace of a shower or quick bath before the next round of Hell."
Remembering all the nights spent in hotels rooms had me shiver—coaxing my mind to dive deeper into my past whore-house days that I really wish I didn't remember. The days where I—
No. Knock it off.
Let's try to have a good day for once.
"Sounds lonely," he interrupted—thank Kami. "What about other activities? I know you've mentioned a few of your favorite things, but have you ever let your mind drift to things other than those tasks?"
An interesting question. Other than seeing advertisements on the small television in the diner about some onsen in the next prefecture or that one time I passed a park with Sugi trees on the way to a client, I never really let my mind drift elsewhere. Getting up my hopes was not the favorable thing to do at the time.
"No actually. If I did, it would create a sense of longing that was impossible to quench at the time—I chose to not delve into all the possibilities that came with freedom for my own sanity's sake. I didn't have time to have my head in the clouds; my feet needed—and still currently need—to be on the ground. It'd be a terrible idea to let myself dip into that pool at the moment."
I washed my hands and turned off the water; whipping my hands to get as much water off them as possible before grabbing the hand-towel. The silence between us as I dried my hands made me feel like maybe I took it too far. He asked a miniscule question—not about my damn life story.
"Eh, sorry—I got a bit carried away," I turned with a sheepish smile on my face. He'd already taken care of all the other dishes aside from the two I'd just finished, so I picked up the towel and began to dry them in his stead.
"And so now—even with the change of events—your reasoning remains the same?"
I furrowed my eyebrows. "I hadn't really thought about it until now since you've brought it up—I'd been too focused on this new shit-show rather than focusing on something as unimportant as my wants. With everything going on, I most definitely remain deterred—probably even more than I was before if I'm being honest."
He was silent for a few moments, and it made me wonder if I'd been too harsh in my words. I didn't think I came off in a harsh tone, but I mean—I wouldn't be surprised.
"It makes sense," he finally replied just as I finished with the dishes. "It would indeed be difficult for you to have such thoughts do more than pass briefly—if at all—in the current situation. I asked out of curiosity, but now with your answer, the validity of Matsumoto's words I wanted to ignore make sense—as much as I hate when she proves me wrong."
He took the two plates and put them away, and as he did my own nervous curiosity got the better of me. It wasn't like we were talking shit or anything—but what in the Hell did she say to him?
"Rangiku's words? Like what? What'd she say to you?"
He took the spot next to where I leaned against the countertop. "In regard to getting your mind off things," he began. "She was right in saying that sometimes distraction is necessary to help deal with whatever the stressful situation at hand is—listening to you just now made me realize just how much you actually need it."
I subconsciously shriveled back a bit. I knew he didn't mean to come off sounding like he didn't think I could handle it, but it bit at me in that way—what's new though? I was a coward now wasn't I? Barely as of yesterday did I become capable of at least decent engagement in a battle even with my crippling mental deterioration and pebble-sized self esteem. Maybe I was going too far, but maybe that was just proof of my words.
"Ah, I see," I responded half-heartedly—he did so much for me as it was that I couldn't just stand here and expect the poor sap to continuously attempt converting me to an optimist. Even the sun's rays could only remain for so long.
"I can do more housework, or clean your office if it would make you feel more relieved," I forced a smile.
I could feel his eyes on me, and so I looked up into his while trying to bite down the weak feeling his words caused. He searched my eyes for a moment, and I abruptly broke the contact.
"I can try to learn to cook—I watched the chefs at the diner sometimes and was able to pick up a few things here and there,"
"I didn't mean it the way you're taking it," he began, much to my surprise. "I meant that I'm agreeing that sometimes we all need distractions—not just you specifically. I don't want you to think that I'm belittling you, Akinoyo,"
I turned back to frontal face—doing my best not to noticeably show my discomfort. "Oh, I know that—I know that you didn't mean it that way," I tried to convince myself rather than him.
"You're sure?"
Good Kami.
"Of?"
I attempted a weak evasion to buy myself another millisecond to think if it was really worth lying to avoid being problematic as I usually was. He tried to stifle a huff, but couldn't help himself—he knew what I was up to.
"Akinoyo,"
It almost sounded like it was a light scolding, but his next action proved that it was moreover his frustration at his own choice of words.
He softly pushed my hair that I hadn't bothered to put up yet behind my shoulder, then grazed over my neck and up to my temple to push some of my rambunctious strands behind my ear.
"I know it's unavoidable, but I want to be there for you through this mess as much as I can. Ever since the event with Koizumi, it's gotten to the point where you're having trouble remaining calm, and feeling safe even with me sometimes. While I understand the validity of those feelings, I'm also trying to combat them as much as possible, I—"
"Have I made you feel like I don't trust you? Please know that it's not the case, Toushirou, I whole-heartedly have all my faith in you—I would never—"
"I'm not talking about trust, I'm talking about comfort. You feel uncomfortable to drop your guard, and are on edge due to the situation—am I correct?"
I shrugged. "Well, yeah I guess so—do you blame me though?"
"Not at all—it's normal to be on the defense during these types of situations, but sometimes if you get inside your own head too much it can be detrimental. For everyone—including myself as much as I don't personally follow this—distraction to keep your sanity is sometimes necessary. I have my own form of distractions—things I want to do or see, and things that I can focus on in the event that it is a necessity to pause the situation. I want that to be the same for you—for you to have things to focus on other than menial tasks like cleaning. While it's a quick fix—it shouldn't be what you treat yourself with after going through Hell—do you understand?"
I nodded, and he continued. "With how things are right now, the more involvement you have can easily cause you to slip away and let the negative consume you—I want to make sure you steer clear of it. The first step is as Matsumoto says—a quick break to focus on other things. I'm not saying I want you to get drunk like she does, but,"
My attempted stifle of a chuckle broke his sentence, and with the very motion I made subconsciously, it successfully reverted my mood back to what it should have been all along. I looked up at him with a true smile finally manifesting rather than remaining false and transparent.
"But you want me to take a break and get my mind off things nevertheless—I understand. The only set-back to that is the fact that I wouldn't know exactly what to focus on. The only things I look forward to at this point is any alone time with you or Matsumoto where we aren't on alert—other than that, nothing has really struck me that I can think of other than going to an onsen or seeing those hauntingly straight Sugi trees. They are so weirdly mystical to me that I can't help but gawk when I get the chance to see them—makes sense now that we've met the Queen." I shook my head.
"Matsumoto knows all of the good onsen, so we'll have to ask her and try to schedule it for the next opportunity. I know an area where they've been conditioned to grow like that, but it's a bit far from here in one of the districts—the only issue is that right now, it would be unwise to go that far intro the Rukongai. I will take you there, but it unfortunately has to be put on hold."
His facial expression told me that he felt guilt for outright contradicting all the build up he'd created—I needed to reassure him that I understood and was okay with it, but I didn't really know how to sound reassuring to him at this point.
"Of course—we most definitely can't risk it right now, and I wouldn't have it any other way. No worries at all, I wouldn't be able to fully enjoy them without constantly looking over my shoulder anyway, so I don't mind saving that and the onsen for another time."
I snuck a glance at him to see if my words had any affect—to which unsatisfactory expectation was met. It's funny—I once had the power to convince men into believing, or doing whatever I wanted. I could change myself instantly into a silver-tongued Aphrodite for some under-the-table benefits, but now I was such a different person—doing that would make me feel lower than the garbage I already felt like. I wanted him to know in sincerity that I was just thankful more than anything else, and I wanted to do it without shriveling down into the crying-toddler tendancy I frequented these days.
The only thing I could think of was a bit out of character, but…if it would make things better, then to Hell with it.
Taking gentle hold of his bicep, I steadied myself as I stood on my tip-toes to quickly press my lips against his cheek. He wasn't necessarily startled from what I could tell, but I had a feeling that he wasn't expecting it at all.
"Thank you, Toushirou—the fact that you're so caring honestly baffles me, but I'm really thankful to have you. I really want you to know that," I smiled up at him as I set my heels back down.
"Right now, I can't think of anything huge on a personal note that I'd like to do—the one thing I really look forward to is spending time with you, honestly," I turned back to face forward and lean back against the counter again—my action along with my admittance in the latter part of my sentence making me feel so out of character I couldn't hold eye contact longer than a few seconds.
"I think that things will come to me in time—well, hopefully anyway since I'm trying to be optimistic. Perhaps something smaller would be better for now. Maybe like going out or something? I don't know—what are some things you like to do? Maybe I'll like some of the same things—is there a theater here? Often the people at the diner would talk about going there—I don't understand the hype, but then again I've never had enough time to sit and watch any type of movie for more than five minutes. Maybe, uh, shit—are there any other activities that some of the Squad members do? Maybe we could…"
Kami I needed to get this nervous-chattering habit under control.
I cut off my own rambling and looked up at him. The look of amusement on his face had me blush at my damned child-like behavior, but I still powered through even though I was internally dying from embarrassment.
"You know what—how about we just make plans to go out to eat soon? Now that my bank account is active, I can at the very least take us out." I did my best to smile and not break eye contact—okay, I totally broke eye contact and was 1000% sure my facial expression was completely sheepish.
"That sounds like it would make for a great start—how about tonight? Would you like to go?"
For some reason, I hadn't been expecting anything to happen today—especially with the upcoming battle with the Taichou of Squad 11 that Musei no Koe foolishly challenged. It was such a surprise to me how serious he was about this, and how willing he was to do this—that shyness of mine vanished from the excitement.
"R-Really? I'd love that," I grinned. The thought of breaking the norm in another normal, yet fun way seemed really amazing.
"It's settled then. After taking care of everything today, I'll take you out to eat—my treat." He let a small, upturn of his lips show at my gleaming reaction.
"Settled! Although the your treat part needs to be negotiated, but we'll save that for later." I replied.
He shook his head at me before his reply. "We'll see," He stood back up, and turned to leave. "Let's—"
Well, maybe it was a bit uncalled for, but at the same time I was so happy about the outcome of our conversation that I reacted out of heart rather than my worried mind.
I'd seized his wrist, and pulled myself to him—the contact with his wrist halting his words before I maneuvered myself directly in front of him. My other hand went to his cheek, and I stood up on my tip-toes again to meet his lips this time.
A gentle press at first, then a few soft brushes as a follow up to soothe my paranoia of not asking before taking. I knew he'd wanted me to feel comfortable enough to do this, but what if he didn't want a kiss right now? What if I was being selfish? I couldn't think of any other way to ask if I could continue forward without having to directly ask him verbally in the most awkwardly embarrassing way possible.
His hand placement on my hips gave me my answer—he took a step back to lean against the counter, and pulled me in with him. He spread his legs wide enough for me to stand between them and lean forward into him to deepen my action. As I did, he'd secured me to him in what was the security I longed for more than anything—the way he cradled me against him by my lower and upper abdomen while I had my way with his lips made my heart flutter.
I knew that my actions were accepted and wanted by him, but the feeling of doing something like this in earnest rather than forcibly still moved my heart something fierce—this whole concept was just so unbelievable to me that it was a damn miracle it wasn't a dream.
My free hand slipped to his hipbone—the most favorable resting spot for gratuitous moments like this. The hand on his cheek snuck back down to crook of his neck—tracing lines back and forth in a caress that would hopefully be enticing enough to ignite more passion between us. By the way he reciprocated my advances, I knew he was loving every moment of this as I was, but the longer—and sweeter—this became, the more I worried about his tasks he had to accomplish today. I didn't want to hinder him just because my lustful tendency was in full swing.
I broke the kiss—pressing my forehead to his as my palm rested against his neck. "Don't let me keep you—I don't want to make you late,"
"I won't be, but while we're on the topic, I want to make something clear," he leaned back, and his hand left my upper back to sweep my bangs away from my eyes. "I'm a man of my work—I always have been, and always will be. But in living a life with such a devotion to work, you can easily forget to live your own life in the process—which is what I've done for the majority of my career."
The seriousness on his face from his words had an emotion behind them—I wouldn't quite pin it to regret, but moreover a type of hurt. I could have been wrong, but it didn't change the fact that in my heart, I felt whatever type of pain it was he displayed, and never in my life had I felt such an urge to help someone emotionally as I did then and there.
"You may have a hard time believing it, but you've broken the monotony. Just by getting to know you, you've struck a chord in me—and even with everything that's happening, I couldn't turn away from it—from you." The corner of his lips turned up just a fraction, and he looked back into my eyes as he caressed just underneath my jawline.
"If there is anyone in need that required me to push my job aside—I would only do it for you. For someone as cold as me to say that…it's a new page in my life I wasn't expecting to turn to," He averted his gaze, but I could only stare intensely into him at that moment—unable to break the line of vision.
"You've somehow pierced through the wall of ice I'd put up over the years—and you did it by just being yourself. You've shown my own pessimism that there's more to life than just work—more things, and people to cherish than I let myself believe. I can't let someone as important as that just slip by me," he looked back at me, and took my lips with such a passion my brain couldn't compute—all I wanted was more of it.
"If I'm going to be late for anyone, Akinoyo—it's going to be you."
Kami?
Are you up there?
If you are, and you're not just a figment of everyone's imagination, and you're done putting me through Hell…
I wrapped my arms around him, and squeezed him—my heart beating so furiously in my chest that my breathing became sporadic, and my emotions bubbling just the same. I thought I hadn't been helping him at all, and was just a burden more than anything. Obviously he has feelings for me even so, but I really just felt like the biggest pain in the universe. The fact that I was actually helping someone—the fact that I had a purpose above hurting others…
"Thank you."
-x-x-x-x-
Note From the Author:
Hello, Readers!
I just wanted to say first and foremost to that I appreciate all of you. All the Reviews/Views even with my sporadic posts have meant the world to me—thank you for having patience with me all this time.
I wanted to take a quick break with this chapter since I feel like we all—especially Akinoyo—needed this. However, it will be picking up again slowly but surely if it's the thrills you're here for—so stay tuned!
Thanks again, and much love,
-Vi