A/N: I want to apologize for not updating for months. I lost my inspiration for this story for awhile, but I got it back after hearing and seeing how they wrote Derek off the show.

Chapter Thirty Seven

How to Save a Life

Meredith looked down at her innocent sleeping babies in their carriers before she turned to Derek. "Are you sure they're ready to go home? They are only three days old. And they were a month early. Maybe they should stay here a little longer so they can get stronger."

Derek gave his wife a comforting smile. "If Dr. Fields thinks they're ready to come home, then I believe her. I know you don't think we're ready to take care of five children, but we're not going to be alone. We're going to have lots of help, whether we want it or not. And this way, we can focus on ourselves. Besides, I thought you would have been thrilled to finally get out of the hospital."

Meredith let out a heavy sigh. "I am," she admitted. Derek could sense that she was worried about him, but she didn't want to show it. "I want to go home and see the kids, but I feel like I'm walking into uncharted territory. C.J. might have autism while you're going through some personal issues. And we can't forget that we somehow need to support our five children. And here you're acting like nothing has happened."

Derek let out a heavy sigh as he embraced her in a tight hug. They held each other close as he spoke. "I'm sorry. I'm just trying to stay strong for you, but the truth is that I'm just as scared about this as you are. We'll get through it, okay?" Meredith wished that she could believe that, but the odds were stacked against them.

Once they arrived home, they were greeted by Amy, Lizzie and the children. The family spent several minutes taking pictures of the blended family and their new additions. The babies began to get fussy and Meredith excused herself and Nicky so she could nurse him in private.

Even though there were now five kids in the house, Derek and Meredith were determined to do it all by themselves. They wanted to spend the holidays alone with their kids before they begin to work on dealing with their issues. Amy was disappointed, but she understood their reasoning. She packed up her things and went to stay in a hotel until she was needed. Lizzie, Kathleen and Nancy were more than happy to return home to their families.

Neither Derek nor Meredith was prepared for the challenges when it came to trying to take care of their brood. There were many sleepless nights for everyone as the two new parents had to get up to feed and change the babies. They were exhausted and were sleeping at odd times of the day. Or trying to get some rest.

But it wasn't easy especially since they had three other children to focus on who were trying to adjust to their new brother and sister. There were times where the babies needed attention and the older girls couldn't spend time with their parents. They began to rethink the idea about how nice it was to have babies around and wished that they could return them to the hospital.

Meredith could tell that Derek still was on edge because he couldn't stop thinking about his personal problems. She wished that she could do something to help him. Then the idea hit her, but she wasn't sure if Derek would go for it. She waited until all of the kids were in bed before she began the discussion. Sure enough, he was against the idea of going to therapy.

"Meredith, we have too many other things going on to have me attend therapy sessions," Derek told her. He knew she was trying to help him, but it was all about timing. "The search to find the right agent and publisher to publish my book will take months, maybe years. So I'm going to have to go back to work so I can support us. I don't know where yet, but I'll make sure it won't be crazy hours." Meredith knew he was referring to the bed and breakfast. She didn't respond as he continued with what he wanted to say. "And then you've talked about wanting to go back to work part time. I know you want to help out by returning to work, but you wanted to stay home to spend more time with Morgan."

Meredith interrupted him there. "I know I did and I still do, but that was before we found out that I was pregnant with the twins. And having a job part time doesn't mean I still couldn't be there for the kids. I would just spend a couple of hours working during school hours and the twins would be put in daycare."

Derek let out a heavy sigh. "We also have to worry about C.J. and the possibility that he has autism. If the doctor confirms the diagnosis, then we'll have to think about enrolling him in the programs that can help his social skills."

"We don't know if he is," Meredith reminded him. "And if he is autistic, it's nice to find out now than years down the road when he is struggling in school and has friendship issues."

Derek knew that she had a point. "And if that wasn't enough, Addison has been struggling with her drinking problem."

Meredith looked at him shocked. Did she just hear him right? "What?" A million questions ran through her mind and she couldn't get them out fast enough. "And you're just now telling me this? How long has this been going on? Was she drinking the day of the car accident?"

Derek shook his head as he tried to calm his wife down. "No, she began doing it after she woke up from the coma. I didn't find out myself until that time she asked me out to lunch. We didn't have time to discuss it more because that's the same day you ended up in the hospital. I got busy with taking care of the kids and household that was forgotten."

Meredith remembered how she ran into Addison the day she had burst into Dr. Wyatt's office without an appointment. If Addison was getting help with her drinking, this would explain why she was seeing Dr. Wyatt. And that would also explain why Addison told Derek about her drinking problem. She was afraid that Meredith had mentioned it to him and wanted to beat her to the punch.

"I assume she is getting help?" Meredith asked. The answer was obvious, but she wanted to make sure anyway.

Derek nodded. "That's why she didn't ask for a new custody arrangement once she woke up from the coma. She knew the kids would be better off with me while she went to rehab and therapy. According to Callie, she is better and she is ready to discuss a new custody arrangement." Meredith was curious to hear what her suggestion was. She was disappointed when she heard Derek's answer. "I haven't had a chance to ask her about it, but I'm sure she wants to do joint custody again."

Meredith could tell that something was bothering him about the news. She tried to read him, but she could only guess at what he was thinking. "What's wrong? I thought you would be happy with the arrangement. I know you would want to keep the kids all the time, but part of being divorced means sharing your kids with your former spouse."

Derek was happy that she was trying to lighten the mood, but this was serious. "I wish that was my worry. Addison might not feel the same way about having joint custody when she finds out what I almost did." It killed him to think that the kids would be taken away from him. "Maybe you and Addison are right: I don't think about anyone but myself."

Meredith gave him a look. "That's not true and you know it. You were there to be Mark's best man at his wedding. And you're his kid's godfather. He wouldn't have picked his best friend if he didn't believe that you would do a good job. You were there for me and Morgan when Morgan had gotten her appendix out. You took care of the house, kids and the dog while I was in the hospital."

Derek was grateful that she was trying to cheer him up, but he didn't feel that it was working. "Those are all good points, but that doesn't make up for the dozen times when I've made decisions without consulting you or Addison. How can I be your husband if I don't tell you everything?"

"To be fair, I didn't tell you everything either," Meredith reminded him. "I wasn't able to admit that I was holding back from being in a relationship with you because of my past with Finn until I talked to Dr. Wyatt." Derek knew therapy would get back into the conversation. "She really helped me and I think she can help you." Derek was still quiet. Meredith couldn't tell if he was considering it or not. "You know that she isn't there to judge. She is just there to listen to you. Please just think about it." There was silence and Meredith knew better than to push it any further. The silence was interrupted by a cry from the baby monitor. Meredith went to leave Derek with his thoughts while she checked on the twins.

As she walked up the second floor to the nursery, she couldn't help but think about all what Derek had told her. It made her realize that he was losing confidence in himself as a parent and as a person, but the worst part was that he was definitely struggling with depression. She didn't really see it until he told her about almost taking his own life.

She didn't want to admit it, but it devastated her to know that he was having so many problems and he couldn't talk to her about them. She didn't understand how he couldn't come to her. She was his wife. They were supposed to talk about everything, but that was before they became husband and wife. That was back when they were friends who were helping each other out. What had happened to them? Was marriage really too much for them? Meredith wished she knew the answer, but she couldn't dwell on it too much. Abbey was crying for her and she came to her rescue, forgetting all about it.

Derek and Meredith continued to take it one day at a time. They scheduled an appointment with a psychologist so they could officially confirm that C.J. had autism. However, Derek still refused to call Dr. Wyatt and make an appointment. Instead, he began to search for a full time job while Meredith continued to stay home with the younger children.

For C.J.'s fourth birthday, the party was all about superheroes. Derek and Mark hosted it while Amy watched the older girls. And Meredith was free to spend the afternoon alone with her new babies. They were already almost a month old and were showing their different personalities. Lizzie was right: Abbey was more like a Shepherd while Nicky was a Grey.

Meredith was pushing the stroller around the park when she heard someone calling her name. She turned around to see who it was and she was surprised to see Addison. "Meredith, we need to talk." Meredith could tell by the tone of her voice that she wasn't happy with her. Of course, the conversation never goes well when the beginning begins with those four words.

"Is everything okay?" Meredith asked hesitantly as they sat down on a park bench. She immediately thought that something had happened to her family. "Did something happened to Derek? Or the kids?"

Addison didn't answer for a moment. "I'm filing for temporary full custody of Katie and C.J." Meredith looked at her flabbergasted. She wasn't expecting those words to come out of her mouth. She was about to ask why when Addison answered her question. "Derek needs to seek help and he won't be able to do it without a little push in the right direction." Meredith then realized that she had been told about what he had almost done. She should have expected this, but she wasn't expecting her next words.

"And if you don't do something about it, then I might consider doing the same thing for your kids." Meredith was ready to fight back when Addison didn't let her interrupt. "I don't know why you stay in the house, knowing that your husband has some personal problems to deal with. You really need to think about the kids."

"You and I both know that Derek was just feeling overwhelmed with the news," Meredith defended. "He felt like he failed his son by not noticing the signs that something was different about him. Surely you felt the same way when Lizzie told you her theory about C.J."

"Yeah, but I didn't try to drown myself," Addison pointed out. Meredith didn't respond. Addison tried a gentler approach. "Look, I know you love him. And that's why you have to do this. Do you really want your family to fall apart again?" Meredith knew the answer, but she didn't want to say it. She didn't want to give Derek an ultimatum, but she was going to have to if she didn't want to lose him.