Just like to say a massive thank you to everyone who read and/ or reviewed my last chapter, it was the most reviews I'd ever received on one chapter and I'm very touched:)
This chapter is dedicated to all who reviewed the previous chapter; (alphabetically) ajfankeith, Chicky Babes, Dragonkeeper4, emmatopia, Faggy, Guest (whoever you may be, thank you!:)), Nicster, Shawnyola and Valere001.
Song belongs to The Script
Chapter 37
Sometimes tears say all there is to say, It's the end where I begin, Sometimes we don't learn from our mistakes,
Sometimes your first scars won't ever fade away,
Tried to break my heart
Well it's broke,
Tried to hang me high
Well I'm choked,
Wanted rain on me
Well I'm soaked, soaked to the skin,
It's the end where I begin
and sometimes we've no choice but to walk away….
Aaron stormed down the dimly lit street, seething with rage. His father was currently trying to keep up and was pleading with him to calm down and listen. Aaron didn't have the time nor any more room left for his pathetic excuses. He'd had his fill of those throughout his life.
"Get stuffed!"
"Look Aaron can you not just stop and list-"
"Why?" Aaron stopped abruptly and glared at his father "What exactly do we have left to discuss? You won't accept my partner, you won't accept "that part of my life", so what's the point?"
"Do you not think you're being too dramatic about this? So I don't want to meet him; why should that stop us having a relationship?"
"Because the point you can't get your thick skull around is that that isn't just part of my life, that is my life!" Aaron snapped "Me, my partner and our son. That's my life. If you can't accept that then we're done!"
"Aaron-"
"And while we're on the subject…" Aaron cut in, squaring up to his father as though he was about to hit him. By the look on Gordon's face that seemed to be what he was expecting. But he only growled into his face as he stabbed a finger into his chest
"Don't you fucking dare make out that Jackson is nothing more than a cheap fuck with all your bullshit talk of our relationship being "casual"! That just shows how little you've changed over the years; you're still the narrow-minded, self-righteous waste of space you always were. If you want to do me a favour, just crawl back under that rock you were hiding under for fourteen years and stay there!"
With that he turned on his heel and continued on towards his car which was parked not too far away. However, Gordon wasn't put off that easily as he continued after him, still stuttering his excuses and explanations which fell on deaf ears. Aaron flung the car door open and got in, slamming it behind him. As he put on his belt he was shocked to see Gordon getting in the passenger door.
"What are you playing at? Get lost!"
"Not until we talk." Gordon sat down firmly, crossing his arms.
"I swear if you don't get out I will drive to the most deserted part of the countryside and dump you there!"
"Fine, whatever. But first I want to talk to you."
Aaron considered dragging him full force by the scruff out of the car but there were too many people outside. It would be too easy for Gordon to claim unprovoked assault with so many witnesses. He swore and slammed his fists against the steering wheel in frustration. Gordon still didn't flinch.
Unable to think of anything else to do he swore again and started up the ignition. Revving the engine he reversed sharply out of his space and reluctantly sped off into the night with his father.
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxox
They were on a dark gloomy road somewhere out in a rural area. They'd been driving for about half an hour now and still not a word was said as a scowling Aaron clutched the steering wheel forcefully and kept his eyes set dead ahead as they travelled on through the darkness. He wasn't sure yet of whether to actually make good on his threat to abandon his father out in the middle of nowhere but all the same he wanted to at least give him a bit of a scare.
Finally Gordon spoke "Explain to me again Aaron why you're being like this."
"Why I'm being like this? Are you actually listening to yourself?"
"I still don't see why you've such a problem with me not meeting this lad. It's you I came looking for, not him!"
"This is obviously just a waste of time! I'm turning this around and dropping you-"
Aaron was cut off suddenly by the sound of spluttering and rattling coming from the front of the car. After a moment of confusion his mechanic training kicked in and he drove the car off the road. Momentarily forgetting about his father he got out of the car and lifted the bonnet as Gordon watched on. He saw his sons face twist and saw him launch a kick at the front wheel.
Getting back into the car Aaron let out a stream of swear words as he whipped out his mobile phone and began punching in numbers.
"What's up?"
"Calling the AA." Aaron snapped "Engine's gone wallop!"
"Thought this would've been your port of call, what with your occupation and everything."
Gordon had meant it in a friendly enough fashion as an attempt to break through the hostility but of course Aaron didn't see it in this way
"Oh right I'm a bad mechanic now am I? Can't even sort out a busted engine? Any more aspects of my life you want to take a pop at while you're on a roll?"
"You know I didn't-"
"Well Gordon to do my job I need these things called tools, which I don't have on me, so if you'll just keep your smart trap shut I'd like to make a call and get it sorted! The sooner I get out of here the better!"
Once Aaron had made the call he slumped in his seat and folded his arms in stony silence, looking every inch the old Aaron Gordon knew all those years ago. After a few minutes of this Gordon grunted "Engine must have overheated after the speed you were going at."
"Is that what it was, Gordon? God I'm glad you told me that, a numbskull like me with qualifications in auto maintenance and motor mechanics would never have figured that out!" Aaron replied sarcastically.
Gordon had had enough "Look Aaron we've got a good half hour at least until help shows up, why not use it wisely and try to talk things out?"
Aaron turned his head so that he was facing him "Fine. You really want to know why I'm annoyed that you won't meet Jackson?" Gordon nodded.
"If you and Jackson had met once or twice and just didn't get on for whatever reason then I'd accept that you'd want a separate relationship with me. I'd be annoyed, but I'd accept it. But you won't even attempt to meet him even once, not even for me. You judge him before you even know him for the single stupid reason that he's a bloke who happens to prefer men to women."
Gordon sighed "Don't make me repeat myself Aaron. I told you that way of life unnerves me. It's not right, not natural."
It was taking all Aaron's willpower not to lunge across the car at his father and attempt to knock some sense into him.
"Way of life? Are you really one of those nutjobs who believes that being gay is a choice? Jackson never asked to be gay, and me even less so!"
He leaned in closer, face twisted in a snarl "Needless to say you weren't there when I first came out. Well let me tell you something I didn't come out of the closet, I was dragged out of it kicking and screaming! The first time I ever admitted I was gay was in a courtroom! Do you know why I was there?"
A genuinely surprised Gordon shook his head
"Because I hit Jackson. I was in the early stages of realising I was bent and I was confused and in denial. He tried putting a hand on me and I ended up slugging him because I was scared. And if you think that's the most shocking part you haven't heard anything yet…"
He paused before taking a deep breath "I tried to kill myself."
Gordon was indeed shocked "Aaron!"
"Tried to gas myself in Cain's garage. That's how scared I was of being gay. That's how much I didn't want to be like that. You know why? Because you put the fear of God into me about gays and suddenly I was one of them."
"Now hang on, what you tried to do wasn't my fault!" Gordon replied angrily "If anything that just proves my point! You were barely out of the closet before you found yourself in a violent relationship with your mind fucked up! It's wrong! You're not well!"
"The punch was a once-off; I've never lifted a finger to him since and I never will again! And when will you get it into your thick skull that being gay is not a fucking illness!" Aaron roared "Just because it's not the most natural thing in the world doesn't mean it's wrong! He loves me and I love him, what's so wrong about that?"
"That's not love, Aaron!" Gordon finally lost his patience "All you're feeling is lust! I've no doubt that the sex is good in some strange perverted way but you can't compare what you have with this… bloke… to a real relationship or marriage and the sooner you realise that the better! You'll know what I mean then!"
Aaron was momentarily too stunned to speak after this outburst. He had been expecting something along those lines but he was shocked all the same.
In that short moment all sorts of images flew through Aaron's mind, all of Jackson and the ways in which he showed his love for Aaron. Not just the obvious ways but all the little subtle ones; his face lighting up when Aaron came into the room, telling him he was gorgeous even when he came home covered in oil and grime, pulling him into his lap for a cuddle whenever he was annoyed or upset over something. This was Jackson who hugged him when they were in bed, held his hand when they were watching telly, made him breakfast in bed, let him take the last biscuit even if he wanted it himself, fussed over him when he was sick, gave him random kisses all the time simply because he could, whether they were on their own or out in public.
"You know nothing!" Aaron shook his head disgustedly "You actually know sweet fuck all! You actually have the gall to sit there and lecture me about love; last time I looked I was the one who's been married nearly ten years while I've seen snowmen last longer than some of your relationships!"
"Well go on then! Enlighten me! What's it all about?" Gordon snapped.
Aaron glowered in the darkness of the car at his father "I won't go into details because what me and Jackson do in our bed is no one else's business but let me just clear this up; I have only ever slept with one man in twelve years and the same goes for Jackson! So you can just get that warped notion of every gay relationship being open out of your head!"
"How do you know he's been faithful? Sounds to me like he's had more experience with men than you have so maybe you're just gullible in thinking he's only with you."
This sounded so desperate Aaron had to bark with laughter
"You really are pathetic! The reason I know Jackson hasn't cheated on me is because in the morning he goes to work on the building site and in the evening he comes home to me and Kalum. If he can find time to cheat in the fifteen minutes it takes him to drive home I'd be more impressed than angry!"
In the silence that followed Aaron sneered "The problem with people like you is that you can't see the wood for the trees. A husband, a dad… those words are like a foreign language to you, aren't they? The likes of you aren't fit to wipe Jackson's shoes."
"'Rich coming from a supposedly loving partner who smacked him one!"
"I told you, that punch was a once off on the spur of the moment!" Aaron snapped.
"Oh sure, that was Andrew Cowles' defence too!"
Aaron's hand shot across the car and gripped the front of Gordon's jacket, causing Gordon's face to whiten as he realised he'd crossed the line with that cheap shot.
"Do you think I didn't hate myself for that?" he spat "Do you think that even now the memory of that doesn't repulse me? Because believe me it does."
He released him and slumped back into his seat, shutting his eyes, trying to blank out the memory. "You actually have no clue about us, so don't pretend you do." He growled though there was a sadness in his tone this time which caught Gordon's attention.
He spoke again, more softly "You have no idea what we've been through together…"
He gave a genuinely baffled Gordon a run-down of Jackson's accident, paralysis and recovery. He also spoke briefly of Jackson and Kalum's accident a couple of years beforehand and he even told him about Kalum's abduction by his mentally unstable father the year before.
"After all this, miraculously we're still together." Aaron finished with his tone soft, seemingly talking more to himself than to his father, a faraway look on his face "You know, during the first few months after his recovery I was terrified. I was so scared he was going to realise that he could do so much better than me and move on. But he didn't, for some reason he decided he wanted to stick with a moody, bad-tempered chav like me for the rest of his life. And I'm so, so glad he did."
He turned his face to look back at Gordon, his expression somewhat mellowed "The irony of this is that I've you to thank for pretty much everything. For dumping me with my mum in Emmerdale. If you hadn't I would have probably never come out, never have met Jackson. Spent my life in misery pretending to be straight and probably end up in a prison the way I was going.
Between meeting Paddy Kirk and Jackson Walsh my life was changed for the better. Obviously you either can't see that or you just don't want to see it."
"How have they changed anything?" Gordon sniped "You don't seem all that different."
Aaron snorted "Well for one thing I'm not threatening to rip the head off every person I see. But even for me personally, my life is better. Paddy helped me grow up and see sense. He was probably the first person to actually give a stuff about me when he didn't have to; the only real father-figure I've ever had. And then Jackson…."
He couldn't believe he was about to say this, things he had never even said to Jackson before. He knew his reputation with his father would be in tatters after this but at this stage he doubted it would matter
"Jackson was the first person who ever made me feel like I was important, like there was no one else like me in the world… special, if you want to be naff about it. You don't know what it's like to go from being a nobody to a somebody in such a short space of time. To be honest it freaked me out at first and took me a while to get used to. The same with being gay. But now, you know, I actually look forward to waking up in the morning, I actually enjoy my life. For the first time ever I'm happy; I'm completely, deliriously happy. And the people who make me this happy are my son and my life partner who so happens to be another man. What's wrong with that?"
Gordon remained silent as he let it all sink in before he uttered his final, damning sentence with a woeful dip of his head "I'm sorry Aaron. I really am. I'm glad you're happy and everything but I'm afraid I just can't change how I feel about the type of relationship you're in. It's just something that won't ever change about me. It runs too deep. So as much as I don't want to make you do it, I'm afraid you'll have to make a decis-"
"Don't make a fool of yourself by even asking." Aaron sighed, tired now more than furious, dull acceptance starting to overcome his senses. "If you asked me to choose between you and Jackson and Kalum a million times, I would pick them each and every time. Reason being that I couldn't live without them, but I could live without you. I've done that for long enough. I can do it again."
Just then they could see the lights of an approaching vehicle; here they were. End of the line.
Just while they had a final few moments together Gordon muttered "I'm sorry it wasn't able to work out."
Aaron drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and sighed before stating genuinely as the members of the AA reached the drivers door
"Believe it or not, so am I."
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxo
Aaron shut the front door quietly behind him and hung his jacket up before absent-mindedly tossing his car keys on the hall table. His mind was full of thoughts of both past and present, his feelings a blur.
Once the AA had fixed his engine he had given his father a lift home in silence that was neither companionable nor tense. It was like the silence one experienced when a stranger sat beside them on a bus; accepting, but not over friendly.
What both he and his father had accepted was that they couldn't reach a compromise and it was better to part company sooner rather than later when they would be at each other's throats like in the old days. Aaron, while not over-saddened by this, was genuinely disappointed that it didn't work out and that his father hadn't changed. Gordon of course regretted that they couldn't work around their differences and that he couldn't get past Aaron's "choice of life", but while he wasn't happy about it he did accept that Aaron prioritised his "family" above all else. That was a picture Gordon had long faded out of.
As Aaron came into the living room he decided it would be better not to tell his mum about any of this, not for a long time anyway. Not that it would matter now but he'd rather hear the "I told you so" speech later rather than sooner.
He found the living room empty and presumed everyone was in bed. Only as he turned to go back out did his eyes suddenly notice how many pictures stood on the mantelpiece, the walls and the cabinet.
Taking a closer look at the photos he had seen so many times before that his eyes just tended to ignore them now he could see all the important moments of his life spread out before him; there was a couple of pictures of him and Jackson when they had started seeing each other, even including a picture of Jackson while he was paralysed. There were pictures of their wedding day; some with just the pair of them on their own and some with members of their families like their mums and Paddy, then there were just the normal random photos of various holidays, birthdays and Christmases and the like and of course there were countless ones of Kalum; some on his own, a couple with his friends and loads with his dads. As a Christmas present Carla had even done a real professional photo of the three that took pride of the place on their mantelpiece.
In all these photos Aaron was happy and content with his life. All these photos were taken on important occasions and with the people who mattered. In none did Gordon Livesy appear.
Just then from the next room he heard a small croaky "Dad?"
Entering Kalum's room he found his six year old in bed under his covers, shivering slightly. Aaron felt a bit of guilt; Kalum had come down with the sniffles over the weekend and it annoyed Aaron that he now only realised how much valuable time he had lost over the past few weeks that he could have spent with his family, especially now Kalum was poorly.
Approaching the bed he smiled "Hi sweetheart, what are you doing up so late?"
Kay's face looked a little paler than this morning which worried Aaron, even though he knew it was just a silly old head cold that would be gone in a few days.
As he felt his forehead Kalum mumbled "My throat's all dry. Can I have a glass of water?"
"Course you can. You're a bit warm as well mate; I think you might need some more of that medicine."
Kalum pulled a face "Yuck!"
Aaron chuckled "Yeah I know it's not nice but it'll help you get better."
Kalum's only reply was a displeased sniff followed by a bout of sneezing much to Aaron's amusement. After a brief absence he returned with the water, the medicine and some tissues.
He laughed at Kalum's grimace at the taste of the medicine and quick slugging of the water afterwards. He also blew his nose in an attempt to be able to breathe properly.
"Why are you laughing?"
"Because you sound funny." Aaron snickered, referring to Kay's bunged-up voice.
"I don't sound funny!" Kalum shook his head which caused Aaron to raise an amused eyebrow "You "dun sund fubby" do you not?"
He ruffled an indignant Kalum's hair affectionately "Like I said, you'll be fine in a few days. You may have to take tomorrow off school though."
Kalum looked dismayed "But we do art tomorrow!"
"I'm afraid you're just going to have to miss art until next week, mate."
Kalum wasn't happy but he was in no form to debate so he just let it be. Instead he asked "Was work good?"
Aaron shook his head "Not really sweetheart but it's ok because I don't have to work late anymore. It was a waste of time anyway."
Noticing Kalum still shivering slightly despite the thick duvet he asked "Do you want your hoodie?"
Kalum nodded and Aaron fetched it for him before helping him put it on. As he lay back down Aaron tucked him in. As he did so the sight of Kalum in his old hoodie brought back some memories, both good and bad. He had never admitted this to anyone but when he and Jay had first started looking at adoption his biggest fear was that he would end up making the same mistakes as Gordon.
However looking at his own child now, he realised he couldn't possibly. True, he was never as cute and cuddly a child as Kalum even at that age but even so he couldn't imagine ever leaving his son. He was satisfied knowing that he wasn't Gordon Livesy and he never would be.
Kalum's heavy eyes were starting to shut again as Aaron stroked his hair affectionately. "If you feel sick anytime during the night, just call me or daddy ok?"
"Ok." Just then his eyes shot open again, startling Aaron "I forgot! Look at this, dad!"
Opening his mouth he proudly brought a finger up and pushed against one of his bottom teeth. It took Aaron a few seconds to realise that it was moving slightly.
"Aw, that's brilliant Kay!" Aaron was pleased he had gotten to see this milestone. "You know the tooth fairy will give you money for that when it falls out, yeah?"
"Yeah, daddy said. But Josh said something like there were already enough fairies in the house." Kalum looked confused.
Aaron shook his head in fond disbelief "Did he now? Well, your uncle is going to get a rap around the head next time I see him!"
Before Kalum could ask why, Aaron added softly "Ok now it's time to sleep, little soldier."
Kalum obediently closed his eyes and mumbled "Night, dad."
"Night, son." He grinned; Kalum had already fallen back asleep, exhausted by his cold. Leaning over he gave him a kiss on the forehead "Love you, baby."
Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Jackson was stirred out of sleep by the feeling of a head on his collarbone and an arm lying across his chest. Raising an arm lazily he ran his hand gently up and down Aaron's bare back before letting it rest on the small of it.
"Evening go ok?" he mumbled sleepily.
"Nah, not really." Aaron replied bluntly.
Jackson raised an eyebrow "Did Gordon not behave himself?"
"Who?" Aaron grunted, telling Jackson all he needed to know. Deciding to wait until Aaron was ready to tell him what happened, Jackson simply wrapped his arms tightly around Aaron and kissed him tenderly on the forehead.
"What's that for?"
"No reason. Just for being you."
In that brief second Aaron felt more secure, comforted, loved and wanted than he had felt in all those years living with his father. Raising his head and propping his chin on a fist so he was looking directly at Jay he mumbled almost shyly "Thanks."
"For what?"
"For putting up with me for twelve years and, you know, for loving me. That can't have been easy."
Jackson shook his head in disbelief at this absurd statement "You are such an idiot sometimes." He smiled tenderly, rubbing a thumb along the stubble on Aaron's face. "By far the easiest thing I've ever done."
Aaron smiled back before leaning in for a proper kiss. Then he settled back down into his original position, Jay's arms still securely around him as he fell asleep.
He didn't need to go chasing shadows of former family members. He had his own family to think of now. And he was more than content with this.
…..TBC
I'm sorry if the chapter wasn't that good, but I hope it did ok. See you soon!