Chapter 36

Of Questions and Doubts

The first rays of sunlight fell through the window. They gently caressed Tonks' face and ended her light sleep. The first things that came to her mind were anything but agreeable. Dumbledore's death, the scene in the Hospital wing, Hagrid's crying... But then she felt the soothing heartbeat beneath her ear, the steady breathing of one certain Remus Lupin. It calmed her down. Though it still seemed rather despiteous that the world would show all its beauty so shortly after the death of the greatest, kindest wizard of all times, Tonks felt that everything could become all right again, one day. As long as that heart continued beating, there would always be hope for the future within her. Carefully, as not to wake her beloved, she turned in his arms and placed a soft kiss on his scarred chest. It reminded her of the dreadful encounter Bill had had with Greyback last night. And not only Bill. Though Remus had never told her about it, she knew that Greyback had been the one who had turned him into a werewolf. It could be called intuition, but she just knew. Besides, who else was so very cruel to bite an innocent child? Even the ferals had a certain perception of honour and pity, none of them would bite a child, no matter what his parents might have done or if they opposed Voldemort's tyrancy.

While Tonks' thoughts followed their train, Remus started to wake up. His thoughts also turned to the less agreeable events of the previous night, before they caught up with the reality and warmth of Nymphadora Tonks lying in his arms. All of that last night returned to him and he looked down at her tenderly. It had been more than he had expected. Not just sound proof that everything between them fitted perfectly, but a deep connection. He had been doing the right thing by finally following her. That feeling of being perfectly whole and safe could not be explained otherwise. An inner peace filled him from head to toe. He was completely accepted by the one person whose opinion actually mattered. Never since that horrible day so many years ago, when the ferocious Greyback had sunk his teeth in his still innocent flesh had he felt so tranquilized, so content with himself. There had always been a part of him which reminded constantly of his condition. It had weighed upon his soul from his early youth on. Where other children had dreams and thought about their seemingly unlimited prospects, Remus had known exactly that there were none for him. Going to Hogwarts, being able to attend the school of his dreams, had been the highest of feelings. He had hoped elsewise, but he had known all along that there would be nothing more for him. No woman at his side, no job he could keep. Nobody wanted a werewolf.

His friends. James, Sirius, Lily. They had been different. They had wanted his company, but he still had known that it wasn't quite the same. There would never be someone who would be willing to accept him as more than a good friend. What woman would be so out of her mind to be with a werewolf, not to mention marrying him? This had been one of the points that nearly caused him to give up. What else was there for him? Despite his tiny chances, he had always been a romantic. He had wanted a wife, children, true happiness. He had imagined the woman he would once love so much it hurt, had imagined to make her his queen. Although it had appeared impossible, those wishes were still there, had survived all those years of loneliness and the worst of treatments. But as much as he had imagined it, dreamed about it, he had never seen her coming. Tonks. She was beautiful, colourful, lovely, strong, the true queen of his heart. She had it all and still she willingly devoted all her love to him and him alone. No fantasy could compete with his newfound reality. His mind still drifting in a cloud of peacefulness and satisfaction, he drew lazy circles on her back. The contact with her bare skin nearly drove him mad. Suddenly, her heard jerked up.

"Since when have you been awake?"

"Not long. And you?"

"A little longer, I suppose. Why didn't you say something? I was pondering about all those dreadful things when you could have distracted me so very effectively..."

He smiled and kissed her softly.

"Isn't it a bit early for such thoughts, Miss Tonks?"

"It's never too early. With a war going on in front of our door..."

They kissed again. True, it was a new day, but none of them was ready to surrender to the dark reality yet.

"So, up to another go?"

"Always, my love."

It didn't take long until their bodies almost fused. The rhythmic movement chased the dark thoughts out of their heads, the connection between them, both physical and emotional, eased the pain of last night and the torture their future could become. Release came flooding back to them once more in what seemed to be no time at all and they lay next to each other, the sheets soaked with sweat and the whole room glowing with them in their bliss. Remus didn't dare to turn his head in case he was just dreaming and the tiniest movement could wake him again. So he just patted down the sheets until he found his lover's hand and entwined their fingers.

For a while, they just lay like that, in peaceful silence. No one wanted to be speaking first, breaking the magic between them. But eventually, one of them had to and finally it was Tonks who raised her voice first.

"I know it'll most probably ruin everything, but I just need to know. Will you tell me what happened in the colony?"

"Will you tell me what Minerva and Molly aimed at?"

"Well, you go first. Maybe it doesn't sound so pitiable any more when you're done."

As much as he wanted to, Remus still didn't dare to look at her directly. Out of the corner of his eye he could see that she was slightly squirming at the mention. He decided to obey to her wish, just to make her feel more at ease.

"Well, as you can tell it wasn't me who died that night. It rather was my only friend in the colony. Do you remember the day we visited Arthur in St. Mungo's with the children? The werewolf that lay in the same room?"

He felt her nod more than he saw it.

"I met him when I started my assignment. He had lost his wife and children due to his lycantrophy, so there was no alternative for him but to stay in the colony. He didn't like their goings, but he saw no other way. It was his merit that I had been able to escape the colony for the first time without drawing attention on me. And it was him who died in my place and did so willingly."

"What do you mean, he died in your place?"

"There were rumours about a spy in the colony. The others were lusting for blood. They draw the wrong conclusions, they thought him the guilty one. He never said or did anything to convince them of his innocence. It would have been pretty easy to turn me in, I was second on the list. But he didn't. Instead he told me to prove that a werewolf can lead a different life, a good one. He told me to stay on the right side and to be the happiest I can possibly get – as a proof of how wrong Greyback's speeches actually are."

"Sounds like someone I would have liked to meet."

"I'm sure you'd have. And I'm starting to think that he was right in all his points."

"I'm convinced he was. Does... Does the fact that he was first on the list have anything to do with the state you were in when I met you here in Hogsmeade?"

"We were faking a fight. We had to make it look real, otherwise it wouldn't have worked. I was supposed to be the one losing, so that I could get out of the colony without anyone following me. His winning rose his status in the hierarchy, that's what made him suspicious."

"I'm sorry. For him. I can't say I'm sorry that someone else died in your place, that would be a lie. I never felt that much relief, actually."

Now he had to turn to her. There were tears rolling down her cheek. Remus carefully reached out and stroked her face with his thumb, catching some tears at the same time. Tonks moved her head enough to look into his eyes.

"I know that I must sound cruel to you..."

"It's okay, love. Just tell me. I want to know."

He smiled at her, trying to reassure. He truly wanted to know the truth, to learn what Molly and Minerva had meant with their stinging comments. Had they been exaggerating for his own good? Or was there something else? Something important he should know?

"I... I know it sounds truly pathetic, but.. You wanted me to tell you what Molly and Minerva meant. The conversation leads more to the latter, but I think I should start with the beginning nonetheless."

Her smile was weak, but he knew that she would go on and so he just held her hand a little tighter and waited for the words to come back to her.

"After you left me standing there at King's Cross... I didn't know what to do. My world was shattered. I never loved someone, at least not that way. I knew that my feelings were true and not removable. There would be no one else. And you had sounded like you would never give me a chance, as if you didn't believe my words. I was desperate. I couldn't even think of moving on, in no meaning of the word. I'm not proud of it, but for a good weak or so I just lay in my bed, not moving, not answering the door when someone came over and knocked, not eating or drinking or even taking a shower or a bath. I couldn't look into a mirror, I had no control over my morphing and I didn't want to see my depressing face. If it hadn't been for Molly's insistence... I just wanted to die, to come to an end. She shook me out of it. For weeks, maybe even months, it's hard to recall, I didn't talk to my parents or to my friends. I only confided in Molly and it already took all my strength to do so. Being stationed in Hogsmeade served me as an excuse not to to talk about my feelings to anyone, pretending I was busy when really I was just patrolling empty streets, pondering about you. When I actually talked to someone, I hardly told half of what I was truly thinking or I lied right away. It needed the incident at Christmas to shake me out of that. I was still numb, I was until yesterday night, but it was better. I finally spoke to my friends, to my father. I returned to the Burrow more often. I took a part in life, even if it was a tiny one. And then..."

The flow of words stopped when more tears cascaded down her beautiful face. Remus' heart constricted with self hatred. That was what he had done to her? While listening to her speech, it had seemed to him that her face grew more tired, the circles beneath her eyes darker, the skin paler. He saw the Tonks she had been shortly after his departure. It hurt infinitely to listen to her, to learn about the pain he had thrown her in. But he needed to know all of it, to hear the last part. The part where even her voice failed to form words.

"Then came the day I heard that rumour about a murder within the colony. I mean, what was I supposed to think? Everyone tried to reassure me all the time, but what did they know? They wouldn't learn more than I knew before it was too late. I had not really been paying attention on meetings, it had been too much for me. To listen to reports on how your life was in danger every single minute you spent there. To learn their cruelty and all the things they could do to you. I never was part in the werewolf missions. Dumbledore released me from them, knowing I wouldn't be able to do this, especially not without knowing if you were among them. I panicked when I heard. There had been no way for me to learn if you were dead or not. Molly wouldn't have known, so I thought of the person you had had the closest contact to during your mission. Dumbledore. I didn't know what I was doing, I just headed up to the castle, my brain didn't work any more. I didn't find him. This incertitude almost killed me. I was just thinking about ending my life when Dumbledore's letter arrived and told me that you were alive."

Remus' heart stopped. Ending her life? For him? Just because he was dead? All of a sudden, the room appeared quite cold. He was shivering, without knowing why. Tonks finally locked eyes with him. She seemed to be worried at his expression. He couldn't tell what he looked like that moment.

"Remus? Love, are you all right?"

Tenderly, she took his hands in hers and rubbed them together.

"You're quite cold. I'll better get us the blanket."

While watching her collecting the blanket, he gained back some of his sense. When she pulled the blanket over his still slightly trembling form and slipped under them next to him, he pulled her to him and breathed her scent in. It was calming his flittering nerves. Slowly, he pulled away, but just enough to look into her eyes.

"You even considered killing yourself just because of me?"

"Of course I did. And that's not even all of it."

"What else could there be?"

"There was another reason I didn't attend the werewolf missions. Dumbledore didn't let me because he guessed what I was thinking. I... Well, it would have been quite easy to let myself be bitten so that it would have looked like an accident..."

He tightened the grip on her hands. No. She wouldn't. Nobody should have to share his fate. Especially not Tonks. Not this way.

"Remus? You've gone all pale. Please, don't be mad at me. I know that you don't like to hear it, but I just wanted to be honest with you. That's how I felt. I need you. I want to be close to you, as close as I can possibly get. It felt like there was no other way you could accept me on your side..."

Remus sobered at once. Perhaps she was right. Back then, he was still convinced that there was no chance for them. But still...

"Dora, you becoming a werewolf wouldn't have changed anything. I couldn't have done this to you and you don't how guilty I'd have felt..."

"I know. I know I was being irrational, but you seem to erase every rational thought right out of my brain, Mr. Lupin."

Tonks blushed a little and despite her earlier confessions, the latest and probably worst of them just made mere seconds ago, he couldn't help but think that there was nothing more lovely in this world. Remus knew he wasn't able to mad at her. Not for more than a few seconds. Or until she offered him that small, insecure smile and that beautiful blush. With ruffled hair, still naked, in her natural state. She had made herself vulnerable, so much more vulnerable than he had. She had poured out her heart and soul, stripped off her clothes, her disguise. There was so much love, in her words, in her eyes, in her body language. He couldn't believe it, didn't know what he had done to deserve being loved so much. For the first time, he really recognized that she loved him just as much as he loved her, that she needed him just as much, maybe even more. There was an endless source of everlasting love in front of him, from the one person he could accept that gift of, the one person he could return it to. His way was clear ahead of him, there were no more doubts or insecurities. He knew what to do.

"Nymphadora Tonks, would you marry me?"