Toph: Hi, everyone! Since I killed daveshn the other day, I'm going to write this chapter on my own. Now, you're probably all saying to yourselves, 'Toph, you're so cool and awesome, and incredible, surely you're going to do things drastically different than that other putz! Haha!' Well, you're half right.

I am cool, awesome, and incredible and Dave is a putz, but I'll still be keeping to the basics of this satire: No fourth wall-breaking. Keeping scenes the exact same until the joke. Curse words are bleeped. And a nice, healthy chronological order of events. The big difference, is that I'm going to show how funny this thing can be when I actually get some lines.

So, without further ado, I present you with the new version of The Earth King in:

Toph presents: What SHOULD have Happened in Avatar the Last Airbender: Book 2: Chapter 18

In a small island in a vast sea outside of Ba Sing Se, Aang pressed his entire body against Appa's head and hugged the bison. "I missed you more than you'll ever know, buddy." He heard Momo chirp as the small lemur flew into ten-ton beast and hugged him. The Avatar then felt himself being slid off his pet's enormous head as Appa licked the boy's entire body.

As Sokka sat on a rock and watched the monk laugh as the ten-ton creature nuzzled him, he smiled. He then stood and walked over to where his sister stood next to his earth bending friend, who sat on the ground. "Look, we got Appa back, we escaped from the Dai Lee, I'm telling you, we should go to the Earth King now and tell him our plan." The teen crossed his arms and smirked. "We're on a roll."

Toph raised an eyebrow. "'A roll'? Didn't your friend just die?"

Katara glared at her brother. "One good hour after weeks of trouble isn't much of a roll."

The earth bender grimaced. "Plus, there was that whole Jet-getting-killed thing. I mean, it was enough to dampen the mood of getting Appa back, remember?"

The Water Tribe boy stared back at his sister. "We can build on it. If we want to invade the Fire Nation when the eclipse happens we need the Earth king's support."

"Um… Do you guys not care anymore that the guy who risked and gave his life so that we could find Appa is dead?"

The water bender kept her eyes on her brother. "Sokka, Long Feng is in control of the city. His conspiracy with the Dai Lee is too powerful." She gestured with her arms. "I think we should keep flying and leave this horrible place behind us."

"If you guys didn't like him that much, that's cool. You told me he pulled a dick move on you in the past. But I think the least we could do is remember what he did for us and not act like everything turned out perfect."

Aang leapt across the island and beside Sokka. "But now that we have Appa back, there's nothing stopping us from telling the Earth king the truth! About the conspiracy and the war."

Sokka threw his arm over the monk's shoulder. "See? Aang's with me!" He grinned sheepishly.

The blind girl shrugged. "Alright. No one cares about Jet, apparently."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

As the Avatar's friends clutched the bare fur on Appa's back as the beast flew towards the palace in the heart of Ba Sing Se and the monk himself sat on the beast's head, Sokka pointed at the enormous stronghold. "There it is. That whole thing is the palace. The Earth king's chambers should be in the center."

Katara held tight to the flying creature. "We have to be careful, Long Feng probably warned the king that we're coming."

"Why would you assume that? If you ask me, we're just going to sail right into the-."

A giant boulder shot up into the air. Appa quickly moved and avoided it.

"AHHHH!"

Toph felt pieces of gravel and dirt all around her. "What was that?"

The Water Tribe boy tensed. "SURFACE TO AIR ROCKS!"

"Surface to air? Why would they have those?"

"To take down things from the air! Duh!"

"But to take down what? What's flown in the past hundred years that they would need those installed and ready for? And even back then the only thing flying was peaceful, not-war-making nomads! For what possible reason do those exist?"

"I DON'T KNOW BUT WE NEED TO DODGE THEM! MORE INCOMING!"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

As Toph and her friends hurried across the main terrace of the Earth Kingdom palace, royal guards shot boulders, stones and bricks at her and her friends. The young blind girl and the Avatar crushed boulders in the air or blocked them by raising stone columns and walls, only to lower them once they stopped the projectile. "Hey, a thought just occurred to me!"

The air bender struck down another stone. "What's that?"

"Are you worried that Long Feng hypnotized Appa? I mean, we don't know the extent of the Dai Lee's brainwashing capabilities and it would make sense for him to try it!" Just then, she heard Sokka's voice shouting across the palace grounds.

"Appa! You're a ten-ton beast that can fire giant blasts of air! Start doing something or I'm going to turn you into bison steaks!"

Aang looked at Toph. "I'm not worried."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

As Aang, Toph, Sokka, and Katara stormed into the Earth king's throne room with their weapons and elements drawn, they saw Long Feng jumping in front of the young man. A second later, a wall of Dai Lee agents scrambled to form a line between the children and their two superiors.

The Avatar stared past the earth benders and at the king himself. "We need to talk to you!"

The head of the Dai Lee gestured towards the children as he turned to the ruler. "They're here to overthrow you."

Sokka clutched his machete. "No! We're on your side! We're here to help!"

Katara's eyes widened. "You have to trust us!"

The Earth king stood up and glared at the youths. "You invade my palace, lay waste to all my guards, break down my fancy door, and…" He paused and blinked twice. "…and there's only four of you? Wow! My palace defenses suck."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Long Feng stood beside the Earth king within the throne room as he watched his agents cuff and secure the air bender and his companions. "Make sure the Avatar and his friends never see daylight again."

The ruler of Ba Sing Se glanced at his subordinate and then back at the children. "The Avatar?" He pointed at the boy from the Water Tribe. "You're the Avatar?"

Sokka gestured towards Aang with his head. "Uh, no him."

With ease, the monk broke apart the stone cuffs and waved his hands. "Over here, your majesty." He then pulled his hands behind his back and reformed the cuffs around his own wrists.

The cultural minister remained calm. "What does it matter, your highness." He narrowed his eyes. "They are enemies of the state."

The Earth king lowered his head. "Perhaps you're right…" He then looked up as his bear approached the bald child, sniffed the boy, and then licked him. "Though, Bosco seems to like him!" The ruler smiled and then turned to the air bender. "I'll here what he has to say."

Calmly, Aang stepped forward. "Well, sir, there's a war going on right now, for the past 100 years, in fact. The Dai Lee's kept it secret from you. It's a conspiracy to control the city… and to control you!"

"A secret war!" The king furrowed his brow. "That's crazy!"

Long Feng glared at the child. "Completely."

The Avatar continued. "Long Feng didn't want us to tell you, so he stole our sky bison to blackmail us." He glared at the man who stole Appa. "And blackmail's the least of his crimes! He brainwashed our friend!"

Several feet behind the monk, Toph blinked twice. "Really? The brainwashing is what you're mad about? Not the murdering? The brainwashing?"

[[I ain't done with this scene yet, boys and girls! Dave isn't the only one who can make something go two ways.

…

That came out wrong.]]

Long Feng stood beside the Earth king within the throne room as he watched his agents cuff and secure the air bender and his companions. "Make sure the Avatar and his friends never see daylight again."

The ruler of Ba Sing Se glanced at his subordinate and then back at the children. "The Avatar?" He pointed at the boy from the Water Tribe. "You're the Avatar?"

Sokka gestured towards Aang with his head. "Uh, no him."

With ease, the monk broke apart the stone cuffs and waved his hands. "Over here, your majesty." He then pulled his hands behind his back and reformed the cuffs around his own wrists.

The cultural minister remained calm. "What does it matter, your highness." He narrowed his eyes. "They are enemies of the state."

The Earth king lowered his head. "Perhaps you're right…" He then looked up as his bear approached the bald child, sniffed the boy, and then licked him. "Though, Bosco seems to like him!" The ruler smiled and then turned to the air bender. "I'll here what he has to say."

Calmly, Aang stepped forward. "Well, sir, there's a war going on right now, for the past 100 years, in fact. The Dai Lee's kept it secret from you. It's a conspiracy to control the city… and to control you!"

"A secret war!" The king furrowed his brow. "That's crazy!"

Long Feng glared at the child. "Completely."

The Avatar continued. "Long Feng didn't want us to tell you, so he stole our sky bison to blackmail us." He glared at the man who stole Appa. "And blackmail's the least of his crimes! He brainwashed our friend!"

The grand secretariat turned to his ruler. "All lies. I've never even seen a sky bison, you're majesty. And if they had one, where is it now? If they were breaking into a king's chambers, I'm sure they'd use it!"

The Water Tribe boy raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean? Appa's right-." He turned his head and dropped his jaw when he saw no sign of the ten-ton beast in the room or the hallway.

Sokka then bared his teeth and narrowed his eyes as he clenched his fists. "MY BARE HANDS! WITH MY BARE HANDS, HE SHALL BECOME BISON STEAKS!"

Aang sighed and smiled. "Everything's back to normal."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Looking down from the top of Ba Sing Se's outer wall, surrounded by the Avatar, the Avatar's friends, and several of his own guards, the Earth King stared at the large metal drill with the black fire painted on to it and lowered his head. "I can't believe I never knew." Just then, he heard a noise and turned to his right to see Long Feng rising up to the top of the outer wall on a stone platform that stopped when it became level with the rest of the wall.

Flanked by two Dai Lee agents, the grand secretariat approached his ruler. "I can explain this, your majesty. This is nothing more than… a construction project." He gestured at the drill.

Katara threw her hands on her hips. "Really? Then, perhaps you could explain why there's a Fire Nation insignia on your 'construction project'?"

Long Feng saw the Earth King narrow his eyes at him. "Well, it's imported, of course. You know you can't trust domestic machinery." He grinned widely as he shrugged.

The leader of the Dai Lee dropped his smile as he saw the king and everyone around him glaring. He then furrowed his brow. "Surely you don't believe these children instead of your most loyal attendant?"

The Earth King dropped his gaze just before looking at the Avatar and then his grand secretariat. The ruler of Ba Sing se then narrowed his eyes. "Dai Lee, arrest Long Feng! I want him to stand trial for crimes against the Earth Kingdom!"

The Avatar, his friends, and Long Feng widened their eyes and dropped their jaws as the two Dai Lee agents exchanged a glance. The elite earth benders then whipped metal cuffs at their leader's wrist, shackling his hands tight.

The grand secretariat felt his men dragging him away as he sneered. "You can't arrest me! You all need me more than you know!"

Sokka then stepped forward. "Hold on, one second!"

Everyone turned towards the Water Tribe boy as he turned towards the Earth King.

"Your Majesty, I understand that you are naïve and, therefore, would think that the Dai Lee would be loyal to you. However, we, the world-traveled and not naïve, would like you to realize that Long Feng was in ultimate power in Ba Sing Se. He used his agents to help him, which means that they also had ultimate power because of him."

The young warrior cleared his throat. "What this means is that you are effectively trusting the people who, until your order 10 seconds ago, had ultimate power in this city, possibly this nation, to keep in jail the guy who was solely responsible for them having said power."

The Earth King blinked twice. "Oh, wow! You're right." He turned to his two guards next to him. "You two! Take Long Feng away instead of the Dai Lee."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Sitting on his throne, the Earth king nodded. "You have my support."

As the Avatar and his friends broke into cheer and dance, a lone man in a prestigious uniform entered the room.

"Your Majesty." All eyes turned to the man as he approached the throne. "I apologize for the interruption."

The leader of the Earth Kingdom gestured at the man as he bowed. "This is General How. He's the leader of The Council of Five, my highest ranking generals."

The king then crossed his arms and glared at How. "And he and I are about to have a serious talk about how the war and/or conspiracy escaped his detection or why he didn't tell me!"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Somewhere within the palace of Ba Sing Se, in a small study, Aang and his friends sat in a circle on the floor as the young monk read the letter from Guru Pathik. "I can't believe it! There's a man living at the Eastern Air Temple. He says he's a guru."

Sokka gestured with his hand. "What's a 'guru'? Some kind of poisonous blowfish?"

The bald boy squirmed, but smiled. "No, a spiritual expert. He wants me to take the next step in the avatar journey. He says he can teach me to control the avatar state."

Katara held up one finger. "Um… Aang? Didn't we go through this whole 'mastering the avatar state' thing before?"

"But this is a guru!"

"Who you've never met and have no way of knowing if he's for real."

"Well yeah, but-."

"I'm just saying, we should be a bit skeptical about this."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

On the restored terrace of the Earth Kingdom palace and beside the ten-ton bison, Sokka threw his arm around the Avatar's neck and nuggied the boy. "Alright! Who's ready for a man-only road trip?" His sister narrowed her eyes and raised an eyebrow.

At that moment, the Earth king descended the steps to the palace, flanked by two guards. "Aang and Sokka," the two boys paused and then turned to face the king. "I wish you a good journey. Ba Sing Se owes you its thanks. And we look forward to your safe return." He watched all three children lightly bow to him.

The Water Tribe boy then began climbing up Appa's large head as another guard approached.

"Your majesty, there are three female warriors here to see you. They're from the island of Kyoshi."

Sokka's eyes widened as he spun his head. "That's Suki!" He lost his grip and fell onto the ground.

As the oldest of the children slowly picked himself up, the ruler of Ba Sing Se stepped towards them. "You know these warriors?"

Slowly, Hakoda's son stood and smiled. "Ohhhh yeah. The Kyoshi Warriors are a skilled group of fighters. Trustworthy, too." He pumped his fist. "Which is why we're going to delay our departure by a few measly minutes, in order to say 'hi' to them."

Katara smiled at her brother. "No, it's ok, Sokka. Even if everyone else goes right now, I will certainly feel nothing but obligation to at least be there beside the Earth king when they arrive to great a someone who's a very good friend of mine."

"I see no reason for either of those events not to happen. After all, the Council of Five surely would need time to prepare a meeting with you to discuss invasion plans. And if the Kyoshi Warriors are going to be welcomed as honored guests-."

The Earth king raised a finger and smiled. "Which they will be."

"…then, of course the generals would understand you taking the time to welcome Suki and her friends."

The water bender nodded. "And even if I couldn't, for some reason, I'd make it a top priority to great them as soon as I can and make sure they're comfortable."

"Indeed."

"Yes."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Somewhere in the Upper Ring, Toph Be Fong stood outside the door of a fancy home. Vibration-images of her reuniting with her mother appeared in her head as she took a deep breath and stepped forward. However, before she reached the door, she stopped.

Quickly, the blind girl lowered herself and pressed a hand on the ground. A second later, she snarled and stood up. The young bender then clenched her fists and threw them forward, causing the entire house to be blasted away and leaving Xin Fu and Master Yu strewn on the broken floor and trembling beside a large, steel case.

The girl's former teacher stared at her. "H… How did you know?"

"Duh! I couldn't feel my mother, I felt you two, and I also felt absolutely no furniture, rugs, or anything in that entire house! I'd have to be completely clueless to just waltz right in there! Which I'm not!"

T/N: Now that's what I'm talking about. Good humor. Good laughs. Good insights. And a good number of lines given by me, Toph, the Greatest Earth Bender and Funniest Satirist in the World! I don't know why Dave acted like this is such a big deal. It's easy and actually a lot of fun to write. Heck, I bet I could do the rest of this series in my sleep.

I'll bet you folks think the same. Yeah, who needs that blowhard anyway? All he does is copy down a scene and change, like, three lines.

Yeah, and I don't do that good a job at it either.

Toph: Exactly, Dave, you don't…

…

…

Hi.

Toph: Heh… heh… Hi,… Dave… How're you feeling?

Oh, you know, LIKE I HAD A ROCK SLAMMED AGAINST MY HEAD!

Toph: I'm in trouble, aren't I?

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH TROUBLE YOU'RE…! In…

Toph: Dave? Why did you stop? And more importantly, why are you smiling like that?

My dear, Toph. I'm not going to do anything to you now.

Toph: Please stop smiling like that.

Why, Toph, don't be so worried, this is a time for fun and merriment. After all, next week is the season finale. We'll have Azula making her move. Zuko shall warm the day with his smile. You learn metal bending. Sokka and the audience are finally going to meet Hakoda. Katara goes for tea. And, of course, Aang unlocks chakras. And that's just the first half.

Toph: S… So you're not going to punish me?

Of course not; now.

Toph: *Gulp* I think I want Xin Fu and Master Yu to put me in a steel box again.

That's all for today, folks. Hope you enjoyed it and be sure to join us next week for the finale of Book 2

The Guru & The Crossroads of Destiny

P.S. And the scene that's gonna earn me soooooo much hate mail.