AN: As always, characters you recognize are JE's. Story and alternate universe are mine. All mistakes are, as always, mine and mine alone.

Chpt. 37

"You're telling me that you told Carlos that maybe you'd hang out with him on this visit? I thought you were excited to see him! Why are you blowing him off?" Lexi asked me while we were in line to get coffee at the snack bar in the library. She decided to join me and work on a term paper when she realized Les was too hung over to do anything until most likely the late afternoon.

"He was giving me shit about what I wore jogging." Even to my ears that sounded like a lame excuse. Apparently, Lexi agreed based on the disbelieving look she gave me.

"And? He's always wanted to cover you up. You're hot. He knows it and doesn't want guys ogling you. This is nothing new. So why is it bothering you now?"

"I don't know."

"Steph. Are you really going to lie to me?"

I sighed. We might not have the same academic interests, life experiences, or even maturity levels, but the girl was a human lie detector test. And since she knew me well, she didn't have to pay attention to me to know when I was lying to her.

"I just didn't like it. I hate that he chose to start our visit that way. Why would he start it by saying something he knew would bother me?"

"You really think he was just trying to push your buttons?" Lexi was looking at me like I needed to get my head checked if I actually believed that.

"Maybe."

"You're full of shit and you know it."

"Am not!"

"Oh my God, you didn't just try to argue with me like you're a preschooler."

"I don't know what you're talking about." I looked out the window and watched the breeze move the palm trees.

"Steph, you've always been a bit in love with him. So why would you throw 'dating' Jason in his face? You look at Jason as a fun guy to go to the movies with, nothing else."

I didn't respond for a while. I played with the coffee stirrer and continued looking out the window for a couple minutes, mentally debating how much to reveal to Lexi.

"Maybe I want him to think somebody wants to be with me even if he doesn't."

"You really think he doesn't want to be with you?" she scoffed at me.

"Not think. I know." I bit my lip to keep myself from crying like I wanted but refused to do. Lexi gave me an assessing look.

"How do you know?" Lexi asked me in a much softer tone.

"Because he told me."

"When did he tell you?"

"New Year's day."

"You really believe that?"

"Yes! Look, we made out for a few minutes at midnight and then the next morning he told me he messed up because he didn't realize he was kissing me!" Lexi visibly winced. "Yeah. So, whatever he feels for me, he doesn't like me like that. I think he's just overprotective because I'm like his little sister."

"He doesn't look at you like a sister!"

"Well, he doesn't look at me in the romantic sense. He doesn't want me!"

"He lied to you. He had to have because all of us watch how you guys look at each other and interact. He's in love with you."

"You weren't there! You didn't hear him tell me he only made out with me because he was drunk. He said outright that he wouldn't have kissed me otherwise."

"I don't know why he lied to you, but I'm positive he did."

"Lexi, drop it. Please."

"I can't! He's in love with you and you're throwing Jason, who you said kisses like a St. Bernard, in his face. You're going to make things worse if you keep lashing out at him."

"I'm not lashing out!"

"You threw Jason in his face. You acted like you're indifferent about seeing him on this visit. That's lashing out in a passive aggressive way."

"I don't mean to lash out, but his behavior pissed me off this morning and I couldn't stop myself."

"I can understand that and I get that you want to hurt him back, but lashing out shows that he hurt you. I doubt you want that."

I groaned and put my head in my hands. "No, I really don't…. I think I found your career path. Go into counseling or psychology or something like that."

"I'll think about it, but right now we're going to plan out how you're going to deal with Carlos this weekend." Instead of working on our papers we worked on Operation Just Friends.

Following Lexi's plan, I called Carlos to see if I could meet up with them. I nibbled on my left thumb nail while I waited for him to answer his cell phone.

"Yo."

"Yo yourself. We're uh…done for the day. Can we maybe meet up with you guys?" I tentatively asked. Apparently I didn't sound quite right because Lexi elbowed me in the ribs. "Oomph!"

"You okay, Babe?"

"Uh, yeah. Lexi tripped and fell into my side, that's all…. So um, can we hang out with you guys today or are you busy?" Lexi rolled her eyes at me and scribbled out "TOO TIMID" on the back of one of her old exams. I flipped her off.

"Everyone's at Abuela's; hanging out by the pool. She's making a whole bunch of food for dinner. We were thinking about doing a guys' night after and going to Batista's after." Pretty sure that is code for the guys were looking to hook-up. Talk about awkward.

"Oh, yeah, no that's cool if you guys have plans later. Don't worry about it." If they were looking to find a one-night stand, I wanted to find a date and make Carlos watch him pick me up, but that went against Lexi's plan. Ugh!

"We can all hangout until then though."

"Yeah, sure. I'll see you at home. Bye." Immediately, I flipped my phone closed. I had to get off the phone as quickly possible.

"How'd it go?" Lexi asked as soon as I was off the phone.

"Uh…well, the guys are planning on going to Batista's after dinner at Abuela's. So you know…even though he didn't say it, you and I both know the guys are looking to get laid."

"You okay, Steph?"

"Oh sure. I just need a dozen Boston Cream Donuts, a couple pints of Ben and Jerry's, and a weekend watching Ghostbusters on repeat while I cuddle with Marshmallow and Slimer."

"That good, huh?"

"Ugh," I sighed as we walked out to our cars. I spent the drive home reminding myself that it's better to know that Carlos doesn't return my feelings. I can date whomever I want, I mentally chanted to myself. Maybe I could convince Lexi to go out with me tonight. We could find our own hook-ups. I wouldn't mind making out with someone. It'd be a good distraction.

Unfortunately, that didn't stop my heart from aching when I got home and saw him.

"Babe." He pulled me into a tight hug and kissed the top of my head. "How were your classes?"

"Eh, fine. Same old, same old. How was your day?"

"I think the four of us spent the day hung over."

"I'd say it sucks to be you, but that was your choice. You get no sympathy from me." We walked to the house, his arm still slung over my shoulders.

"Last night was worth it."

I chose not to comment. Operation Just Friends depended on me not unleashing my Italian temper on him. I just needed to go back into denial. That'd keep my temper in check. I needed a change in conversation to help my chances of going into denial. Then wonderful smells wafted out of the kitchen, giving me an easy out. "What's Abuela making for dinner?"

"Arroz con pollo, papas rellenos, ropa vieja, morcilla, frijoles negros, flan, and pastelitos de guayaba." [Chicken with rice, stuffed and fried mashed potatoes, beef stew, blood sausage, black beans, flan, and little hand pies filled with guava.]

"Mmmm, I can't wait," I moaned.

"Babe." Carlos shifted around a little uncomfortably.

"What?"

He just laughed and walked away.

"What?" I yelled after him.

"Maybe I'll tell you one day," he called over his shoulder.

Thankfully, we interacted like we always do. Maybe I could fake it until I made it, so to speak.

"Beautiful!" Les picked me up, spinning me around.

"Hey! How's my favorite Army Ranger?" I smiled up at him while giving him a big hug.

"Don't let Ranger hear you say that."

"Why not? I'm allowed to have a fave."

"Sure, you explain to him why he's no longer your favorite, even though you're closest to him."

"I don't think we're as close as you think we are, but it doesn't really matter. Besides, you're my favorite today because you don't give me shit about what I wear when I go running."

"Yeah, I heard about that. Can't you wear a shirt?" he sighed. "Remember, I'm one of two people that deal with him when you get him all worked up."

"Do you wear a shirt jogging when it's over 80 degrees and 80 percent humidity?" I poked him in the chest.

"No, but I'm a guy. I can get away with it."

"I wore a sport bra. I was appropriately covered."

Les rolled his eyes at me. "When are you going to realize that he's possessive of you and doesn't want any guys to see what he considers his?"

"I realized that theory is full of crap at New Year's," I replied narrowing my eyes at him. "Doesn't matter anyway. I can and will do whatever I want. I'm going to go change and lay out by the pool. And just to prove my point, I'll wear my skimpiest bikini! See you out there."

I went back to my room and changed into a royal blue bikini, flip flops, oversized sunglasses and a big floppy hat. I grabbed a beach towel from the linen closet and walked into the kitchen to greet Abuela before heading out to the pool.

"Hola, Abuela," I said.

"Estefanía, ¿cómo fue tu día?" [Stephanie, how was your day?]

"Así-así, ¿y tú?" [So-so, you?]

"Así-así, también. Tuve que calmarse a Carlos. No le gustaría argumentar contigo." [So-so also. I had to calm Carlos. He didn't like arguing with you.]

"¡Lo comenzó!" [He started it!]

"Sí, pero ya le molestaba su disputa." [Yes, but your guys' fight still bothered him.]

I just sighed. "¿Y lo qué me aconsejas hacer?" [And what do you recommend I do?]

"Ten paciencia. No ya están listas." [Be patient. You guys aren't ready yet.]

"¿No estamos listas para qué?" [We're not ready for what?]

"Sabes." [You know.]

"No sé lo que hablas." [I don't know what you're talking about.]

"Piensa y te darás cuenta del carácter de tu relación con Carlos. Ahora, disfruta tu tiempo con él y tus amigos." [Think and you'll realize the nature of your relationship with Carlos. Now, enjoy your time with him and your friends.] And with that she shooed me out of the kitchen.

I laid out my towel on one of the loungers and then stretched out on it, sighing at the stress of everything. Why did everyone think Carlos and I were going to get together? Everyone thought they knew better than me and considering Carlos is the one that said nothing would come of our kiss, I trusted the source a lot more than everyone else's observations.

"Babe, why don't you wear something that covers you up more?"

"I feel like we had this argument years ago. What did Lexi and I say then?" That just earned me a glare.

"I swear every time I see you, your bikini choice gets smaller and smaller," he grumbled.

I raised my eyebrows. "Why do you even care about my bathing suit? Or my running clothes? It's not like I'm hanging out at the beach topless. I am covered."

"Babe."

"That's not an explanation."

"You don't know how guys think."

"I dated Mat for over a year and I can't even calculate how much time I've spent with the four of you. I'm pretty sure I have an idea of how guys think."

"You'll just attract the wrong type of guy when you wear that stuff."

"Am I allowed to attract and date another guy? It seems to me that every time I do, it just pisses you off."

"Your taste in men is questionable."

"What does that say about you then?" I couldn't keep the snippiness out of my voice. I couldn't keep myself from that jab, especially since he already knew I had feelings for him. Operation Just Friends has just failed.

"It's one of the reasons why I pushed you away."

"So you do have feelings for me then?"

"That's never been a question, Babe. I've always cared for you, but I'm not a good guy. Not right now. I do bad stuff to bad people. You know that."

"I helped do some of that bad stuff."

"You only helped once and it almost broke you. It's never had that effect on me. It might mess me up some and cause me to do some fucked up shit when I get home, but it's never causedme the amount of pain it caused you.I'm pretty sure that makes me a sick son of a bitch."

"So, you're saying you think there's something wrong with you and you're not good enough?"

"Yes."

I rubbed my temples. His reasoning was ridiculous. "I don't understand. You're the best man I know, regardless of how you deal with the nature of your work. And I can deal with the missions and uncertainty. Haven't I proven that?"

"Babe. Don't make this harder than it has to be."

"It wouldn't be hard if you'd just let yourself love me!"

"That's never been an issue. Like I told you before, I love you – in my own way."

I sighed. "I want to be with you and if you love me, I'd think you'd want to be with me, too."

"I'm not at that point in my life where a relationship is feasible. You're still in college and figuring out what you want out of life."

"I've been certain for years that I want you and I don't see that changing!"

"Maybe we can be together someday, but I'm not going to ask you to wait for me."

"What if I want to wait?"

"Then I'm telling you outright: do not wait for me. I'm a bad bet in the long-run. I could die during any mission. Live your life. Find a nice accountant to marry so that you can have kids, a house, and a white picket fence."

I took a deep breath and looked around the backyard for the first time since we started talking. I had completely missed Lexi's arrival. She and the guys were playing water volleyball while Carlos and I argued about our future. And to think, this morning I thought there wasn't even a chance at having mutual future.

"So, what, risk analysts wouldn't want to insure your life? I want to be with you and see you as often as I can."

"You're important to me. Hell, you're probably the most important person in my life. That's why I always make time for you. I want to see you and spend time with you, too, but I don't want you to love me. I'm not worth the risk and I don't want you to feel the pain of losing a loved one again."

"I survived that loss before and I could survive it again! I already love you. So why keep me at arms length?" I hoped my argument broke through Carlos' hard head.

"Steph, just stop. I already told you. We wouldn't work right now." Shit, he called me Steph. He rarely uses me name. That means he's serious.

"You're not giving us a chance."

"I'm not going to fuck us up by committing to you when I know I can't. I'm sorry, Babe."

And with that he got up and went into the house, leaving me confused, hurt, and loved and cared for all at the same time. I laid by the pool in complete shock. He admitted to loving me in his own way, but this time it didn't sound like the kiss of death like it did on New Year's. At least that was a step in the right direction.

Dinner was a boisterous affair with Abuela, the guys, Lexi and her family, and me. Thankfully there were enough people around that nobody noticed that Carlos and I didn't participate in the conversation. Thinking about it, I doubt anybody actually noticed that Carlos was quieter than normal considering he is generally the most reticent person in the large group. After dinner, the Santos family and the guys left, leaving me alone in the house with Abuela. We sat at the kitchen table, nursing cups of tea.

"Carlos and I…we talked when we were out by the pool. What did you mean that Carlos and I aren't ready? He said the same thing." I inquired.

"It means that neither of you are ready to commit to one another right now. If you did, you might ruin what you have now and any possibility of a future, regardless of what you mean to each other," she explained gently, rubbing my hand.

"But why do you think that?"

"You're both young, cariña. I have no doubt that you're compañeros del alma,but you're too youngto get married. You both need more time to grow into who you're meant to be and you're both too independent to do that together." [sweetie, soul mates]

"You really think so?"

"Sí." [Yes.]

"What happens if we meet other people? Maybe he'll meet someone he gets along with or understands him better…." My voice trailed off in fear.

"Maybe, but in the end he will always return to you and vice versa. You're meant to be together. Just not yet."

"I'm ready now though."

"You might think so, but you're only 19 and he's only 24."

"How old were you when you got married?"

"I was 18 and Ricardo was 20, but that was a different time."

"But I'm not trying to get married right now. I just want to be with him."

"In good time, carina, in good time." Abuela got up and started to wash the teapot. [sweetie]

"I'm going to go bed now," I told her. I had a lot to think about. I fell asleep in my thinking position, face up, arms outstretched on the bed. Hours later I woke up to a very drunk Carlos crawling into bed with me.

"Lo siento, querida. No quiso hacer daño a ti. Te amo. Siempre. Duerme bien. Quizás algún día…." [I'm sorry sweetheart. I didn't want to hurt you. I love you. Always. Sweet dreams. Maybe someday….]

And just as his heartbeat was about to lull me back to sleep I smelled Clinique's Happy perfume on him. It was like an arrow in the heart. Hours later I finally fell into a dreamless sleep.

AN: Yes, I know that was painful to read, but please stick with me. It will be worth it in the end.