There was darkness all around nothing felt real this couldn't be death could it? There was a sound like white noise and heavy static it surrounded me I slowly became aware of other noises around me, at first I thought I was back in the coffee shop I could hear machines wiring and buzzing, It was only when I tried to move or open my eyes I realised I couldn't. I tried to scream for help but nothing was happening I felt trapped just me and the darkness and the harsh static in my ears.
It was obvious I was in a hospital and then it dawned on me I had survived but how? Who found me? I wouldn't of been brought to a hospital unless it was serious so what was the damage? And even yet would I ever wake from this mind prison I felt myself inhabiting. As I lay there time became obsolete I couldn't tell if It was day or night and frankly I didn't care sometimes I'd just let the darkness consume me and I'd just slip away into nothingness but I would always wake up eventually I could hear the Doctors and Nurses bustling around me whispering in hushed voices.
A door to my right opened and a figure entered the room taking a seat beside me the soft footsteps and gentle sniffles told me it was Fallon but she didn't speak to me I could hear her quiet sobs as she petted my curls for a while until a nurse came by to tell her visiting was over Fallon kissed me softly on the head, "Oh Sparrow" her voice was an exhausted whisper "Why couldn't you tell anyone you were unhappy, you could of talked to us. I know I told you that you lead a full life but I didn't mean it was time to end it" I sat listening to her the static was rising in my ears again my own sister actually believed I tried to kill myself. I wanted to throw my arms around her and tell her it was all an accident and how sorry I was for putting her through this so soon after Mammy. I tried so hard to move even just a finger but the static was getting louder pulling me into the black abyss of my mind once more.
I later woke to the kindly nurse who smelled of peppermints and soap she was a kindly soul with an elderly croaky voice I had become used to her presence over the unknown amount of time I had been here I learned her name from the other doctors that it was Nurse Grace. Grace liked to hum Disney songs while bathing me. As she cleaned my face I felt the warm water on my head and yearned to see my beach again. A scared feeling spread through my body as I thought of the water filling my nose and mouth and the pain in my head before the darkness came. What if I became too afraid to go back in the water? What if I never even saw it again? I felt so alone with just my thoughts. I was a caged little bird.
Grace sat with me a while it was the first time anyone had spoken to me directly she chatted to herself and to me as she fussed around me it was somewhat soothing, "you must be little Sparrow I knew your mother very well I looked after her when she became ill and she would talk about her little bird making it big in New York" A pain in my chest at the thought of my Mama "I don't know if you can hear me little bird you must be so frightened but you need to fight this dear, look for a light in the darkness and focus on it something that gives you spirit and hope it will keep you with us little one" she stood up I could hear her dusting down her uniform before she tiptoed out of the room quite frankly I didn't see the point in her being quiet it's not like I was going to wake up anytime soon if at all.
After she had left I began looking for the light whether it was true or not what Grace had said I was determined to get back to my family she said to look for the things that make me happy and give me my spirit, I thought of my home and my beautiful Sheephaven I thought of my mother and all the photographs she had taken and left behind, I thought of my beautiful sister with the voice of an angel who basically raised me most of my life, when I was a child and Mama was having one of her bad nights Fallon would crawl into my bed and hold me close tucking my head under the covers so I couldn't hear Willows swearing she would hold me close and tell me one day I'd become a beautiful bird and fly away free. I thought of my brother such a beautiful gentle soul he taught me how to swim and how to look at nature in all its beauty it made me happy to think of the twins but there was no sign of this light Grace had spoken of.
I tried other things going to University the day I got my acceptance letter I couldn't of been happier I thought of my time in New York finding Sam and getting my first job then meeting Murr and moving into the apartment then meeting the guys that first night with them and that first kiss with Brian in Murrs kitchen his hands on my hips and beautiful brown eyes, how he looked like a teenager when he shaved and how deep his voice was when he laughed ,the dance we shared at Joes wedding when I realised I loved this beautiful funny man. I felt happier but this light Grace had talked about still hadn't come around it was only when I stopped trying did I realise Brian wasn't here none of the guys were. I knew by the fact Fallon had come to visit that my family obviously knew I had been in an accident but why hadn't any of my best friends come to see me did they even know? Or did they just not care enough? Any source of light that I had gathered up had faded as I slipped into the darkness alone and afraid.
I woke sometime a while later still unable to decipher what time it was I assumed by the sound of the doctors doing their rounds and checking the clipboards that it was morning I slipped in and out of consciousness eagerly expecting any visitors but none came. It might not of even been visiting time that's what was so frightening about all of this I had no control I couldn't look around me I couldn't touch anything I just had to sit and listen and make out any sounds I could.
Grace came by at some point fussing around me as she always did singing softly to herself she was a soothing relief in this otherwise lonely cage. I sank into a bit of a depression her songs weren't nice anymore they just made me feel sad I was barely listening to whatever she was saying as the arranged the locker by my desk "you had a visitor this morning dear a really sweet American man he left you these beautiful flowers before he left for the airport." she told me softly my ears pricked up suddenly paying attention, Give me something to work with here grace I thought to myself a name a description but she said no more.
Someone had actually come to visit and I missed it in my comatose state it told me though that they did know about the accident I smiled inside my head I was surprised I still knew what that was I thought of who it might have been if Grace had of given me even a little clue I could of guessed maybe even just by the flower Murr would have brought tulips like the bunch he got me the night I moved into the apartment or the bunch he bought me for my birthday Joe wouldn't have brought flowers he would of tried to be funny with a handful of shamrocks or something like that, Brian would have been romantic with roses and Sal…? Sal would have brought Lillies he knew how much I loved them, he knew almost everything about me.
Suddenly a burst of light like a bulb that had blew a fuse then it was gone was that my spark? Sal? Why him? Sure he had that smile that could light the room and the way he gazed at the stars when we lay on the grass. The light grew brighter no he couldn't be … I couldn't. I was in love with Brian so why was I laying here feeling this beautiful light surround me I thought to all the glances and inside jokes we shared the late night movie marathons and early morning Brunches together the times we laughed so hard till he fell over and laughed harder. The light was all around now I felt warm and even strong…. Sal was a part of me. He kept me safe in New York and kept me sane here in Ireland through loosing Brian and getting him back then my mother dying Sal was by my side every mile but where was he now? Back in New York did he get his flight? The things he had said to me, the hate and hurt in his eyes when he walked away? The light was beginning to fade again. What if all the guys returned home and just left me here? Was that all I was worth a bunch of flowers and a flight home? Slowly the darkness consumed me the sickening abyss that was pulling me away from life. Any fight I had left in me was vanishing and I was letting it.
Soft strumming on a guitar woke me from the dark a time later, I strained over the static to hear the rattle of beaded bracelets and the smell of fresh salt water hair filled my nose Apollo? Yes it had to be him he played light familiar chords then singing beautiful and feminine… Fallon?
"Where you going freebird child
Running on the south wind over magnolias growing wild.
Trying to find your place to land among the stars
Live to dream my freebird child."
Mothers song, Fallons voice sounded so like her I could almost hear our mammy singing it herself like she used to by the fire pit on her good nights when she hadn't drank and we all acted like a family , what if I did die here? Would I see her again? Free as the wind and rain. I could be free from this cage I would only have to let go, I could feel myself fading but this wasn't like before my breathing became slower.
Alarm bells started ringing around me Fallon screamed and Apollo yelled for a nurse I could hear them shouting something was placed over my mouth and a burst of oxygen was driven through my lungs, I fought so hard to let go but the doctors and nurses kept pushing I could hear Fallon sobbing outside the door, I gave into their help and fell into the familiar obscurity.