A rock, a stronghold. Idina clings to James, sobbing for what was lost and now what has been placed before her. All she wanted was for someone to care. But now, after learning so much, letting someone care feels...vulnerable. Open. Naked. She equally wants to cling tighter, sob harder, tell him everything, or at the same time pull back, lead him out the door, never let him back in. Not into her apartment, nor into her heart. There's still so much he doesn't know. Should she shut him out now? Or let him in and watch him run?
Her tears abruptly stop as she hears James sniff. No. She will not cause him anymore pain. She flies off his lap, strong once more. Every fibre of her being is alert, on edge.
"I'm sorry. I'm okay. You should go now." Idina's breath quickens as she fights to remain calm. James sits confused, blinking back his own tears.
"What? No. Idina, please don't do this. It's okay." His words are cut short as he reaches to touch her elbow and she grabs his hand, pulling him to his feet and quickly propelling him out the door. Just before she shuts the door her eyes seem to fall open for a minute, broken sadness and gratitude shining past the panic.
"Thank you, for everything." And the door shuts.
You idiot. Why can't you do anything but hurt everyone around you? Every single person who tries to help you and love you. You worthless, pathetic excuse for a human being. Why are you even still here? Idina fights off the same urge she's felt nearly everyday for years on end. She spins, grasping her hair at its roots as she tries to breathe. Calm down. Rehersal today. Focus. Come on. She remembers her car is still at the theatre. Oh well. It's not too far to walk and the fresh air and the exercise will do her good. At least she stopped crying, thank goodness. Not that she still isn't so broken inside. But the outside reminders are always painful, humiliating, shameful. She has plenty of those already. She bundles up in her winter coat and prepares to leave the apartment. Wait. Idina returns to the kitchen and makes another cup of coffee. Comfort in hand, she steps out of the apartment building and into the cold. How fitting, that the outside should feel the same she does inside.