Disclaimer: Square owns all its Final Fantasy characters. The rest is mine! Mwahahaha... (As usual, thanks for the reviews. No flames or the chocobo will Meteo you.)
Notes: Dude. Trying to wrangle all five of them at once is REALLY HARD. Just so you know.

When You're Evil and Dead
By: Sforzie

Chapter 36: More Than Too Much

Ansem turned, looking down at Kuja. He grinned a little. "I have sexy machismo?"

Kuja blushed again. "Ur, well..."

"Did you break out of Hell's Bells again, Ansem?" Sephiroth wondered.

"Oh, no no no, I got released this time! I'm allll better!"

"What about the darkness?" Kefka asked.

Ansem perked. "The darkness? I LOVE it!"

"Maybe they're lowering their standards," Kefka said.

"After all, he got out," Sephiroth pointed at Seymour with his sword.

Seymour tapped the end of his staff on the ground. "Now now, sword-boy, if you can get out of the asylum, anyone can."

"You know..." the silver haired bishounen gritted his teeth, brow twitching. "I can't help but wonder what your punishment was."

"My punishment?" Seymour echoed. "Oh, I could tell you." He crooked a finger at Sephiroth, who leaned in closer. Seymour whispered something in his ear. Sephiroth gasped, taking a step back.

"Really?! That's....that's...."

"Gross?"

"Revolting?"

"Chewy?"

"Kinky?" Ansem, last.

Sephiroth shook his head vigorously. "Yeah!"

"I'm afraid it's true," Seymour said, closing his eyes.

"What, what?" Kefka poked Sephiroth in the back. "We wanna know!"

"Ugh, I don't wanna repeat that," Sephiroth said, rubbing his neck with his free hand. "I think I'm gonna have to start drinking again to block that out."

"Oh, no no, you can't drink yourself into a stupor until after I defeat you," Seymour said, gesturing with his staff.

"At that rate you'll never get to drink again," Kefka snickered. Sephiroth smirked.

"That's a good point." He shook his head. "Yeah! You're never gonna beat me, blue-boy."

"B-blue boy?" An angry blush crossed the maester's cheeks. "I'm quite sure that if I keep trying, I'll beat you eventually."

"Persistent," Ansem noted.

"Obnoxiously so," Kefka snorted.

"Never gonna beat me," Sephiroth repeated confidently.

"Oh, come on!" Seymour shouted, losing his cool. "You have to have an off day eventually!"

"Just 'cause I have an off day doesn't mean I'll lose!"

"The hell it doesn't!"

"You know, I oughta--"

"Excuse me," Kuja said suddenly. He pushed away from the table and stood.

"Wha? Kuja?" They watched as he turned and started off in the direction of the room's exit.

"Hey, Kuja, where are you going?" Kefka called. He tried to follow but was still stuck between the table and Sephiroth.

Kuja waved a hand dismissively as he walked off. "To see my brother. I'll be back later. Don't let me interrupt your bickering."

The four were silent as Kuja disappeared.

"Ur..." Sephiroth blinked, looking down at the empty seat.

"Well..." Kefka scratched his cheek.

"That was sudden," Seymour said.

"Did we make him mad?" Ansem wondered.

"No, he does that all the time," Kefka said, trying to sound reassuring.

Sephiroth looked over at Seymour. "We still gonna fight?"

The maester shrugged. "No sense if he's not here."

"True."

"I didn't know Kuja had a brother, though."

"Oh, yeah, his name is Zidane," Kefka said.

"Zidane, mm?" Seymour blinked thoughtfully. "I don't believe I've met anyone with that name."

"Well, he lives in Heaven."

"Yeah, in....ur....Heaven." Sephiroth turned, looking down at Kefka. The blonde cocked his head. "Hey, didn't Kuja say...?"

"...that he was going to go visit his brother?" Kefka nodded.

A pause. Then:

"Kujaaaaa!" Both men started off for the exit at a run.

Seymour and Ansem stared in confusion. Meow x17 peeked back over the edge of the table.

"Why the concern?" Seymour said questioningly. Ansem shrugged.

"Got me."

Another moment passed, and then Sephiroth came running back to the table.

"Ansem!" he shouted, panting. "Guard the table while we're gone!"

"Yes sir, Momma!"

"Don't let him-" another jabbing point at Seymour "-sit here!"

"Yes sir!" Ansem gave him a little salute.

"And you!" He poked his finger in Seymour's face yet again. "If you're here when we get back, I really am gonna kick your ass!" With that, Sephiroth turned and ran off again.

"Promises, promises," Seymour sighed. He waved his hand in front of his face. "So rude."

"Must protect table!" Ansem said, plopping himself down in Sephiroth seat.

"Oh well," Seymour shrugged. He moved to sit down, but Ansem growled at him. "Eh?"

"You heard Momma," Ansem said evenly.

"Yes, but-"

"Rrr!"

Seymour cringed. "Alright, alright, you odd thing. I won't sit there." He turned, shaking his head. "I'll give have to go find another chair..."

:

Elsewhere in Hell, Kuja was already at a processing station, speaking with one of the attendees.

"And your reason for visiting Heaven?"

"I just want to."

"You know that's not a valid reason, sir," the attendee sighed.

"Look," Kuja snapped. He held out both arms, exposing his wrists. "You can go ahead and put all the power limiters on me that you want, I just want to see my little brother."

"You want to see your brother," the attendee wrote something down. "His name?"

"Zidane Tribal."

"Ah. A hero. Nicely ironic."

Kuja glowered.

"Reason for wanting to see him?"

Kuja gritted his teeth, then forced a smile. "To taunt him and make him feel generally inadequate."

"...generally inadequate." The attendee noted. "Isn't that what all big brothers do?"

"It's a constant across the universe," Kuja sighed.

"Alright, I s'pose I can let you go," the demon said, forked tongue flickering out briefly. "But if your brother refuses to see you, you have to come right back, okay?"

"Of course, I understand," Kuja nodded.

"Okay, this way please, Mr. Tribal..."

:

"Why's he always have to go running off to Heaven all the time anyways?" Sephiroth panted.

"I dunno, maybe he's have some dirty affair with his brother or something," Kefka snapped.

Sephiroth wrinkled his nose. "Eeew."

"Well, it's not like I can think of a better reason," Kefka grumbled. They reached the processing station closest to the villains' room. "All I know is that he has a tendency to go and talk to Zidane."

"What about?"

Kefka stuck out his tongue. "About us."

"Oh.." Sephiroth reached for the door handle, but stopped. "Wait, us?"

"Uh huh."

"You don't think he'll mention that....those...little incidents, that we told him about?" Sephiroth looked between the door and Kefka, and back again.

"That's why we have to go and find Kuja first, you moron!" Kefka kicked the door open. "He has to start thinking for himself again!"

"Do you think they'll let us through?" Sephiroth wondered as he followed the little blonde inside.

"Oh, we'll figure something out, just shut up!"

:

"Fantasy Terminus..." Kuja said, craning his neck. "Wow, this place is just as sickening as Sephiroth said it was."

"Sir, please," one of the angel guards following Kuja said with a sigh. "Find your brother so that we may transfer guard over to him."

"What am I gonna do?" Kuja held up his right arm, which had several power restrictors tied onto it. The little flags were annoyingly reminiscent of the little tags from Hell's Bells. "Kick a moogle or something?"

The guard narrowed its eyes. "We're allowed to use force to prevent any disturbances."

"Well....what if the moogle starts it?"

"Sir..."

"Hey! Is that you?" A voice behind them. Kuja turned to find Zidane emerging from what looked like a post office. "Hey, Kuja!"

"Is this your brother, sir?" the angel guard said, looking doubtful.

"Yeah, he's my brother!" Zidane said. "We've got matching tails!"

"They don't match," Kuja seethed. "Mine's better."

"Ur, right..." the guard shook his head slowly. The other guard leaned in some, peering between the genomes.

"Well, I can see the resemblance in the faces."

"Mm, yeah, I guess." The guard looked to Zidane. "Alright, will you claim responsibility for him while he's here?"

Zidane blinked. "Uh, yeah, I guess so..."

"Good." The guards turned away. "Just bring him back to the processing center when he's ready to go."

"Aye, sirs..."

Kuja flailed as the guards walked off.

"Oooh, that one was SO lucky I had all these stupid power limiters on, or I woulda shoved a Flarestar up his nose!"

Zidane unsuccessfully smothered a laugh, shaking his head. "So, uh, Kuja, to what do I owe this visit?"

"General frustration," Kuja sighed.

"I don't think I've met him..."

"Very funny." Kuja batted at the flags on his wrist. "I just needed to get away from them for awhile."

"Aww, Kefka and Sephiroth getting to be too much to handle?"

"Kefka, and Sephiroth, and Seymour, and Ansem..."

"Wow, sounds like you've developed quite the following. Can't you just-" Zidane stopped suddenly, tail bristling. "Shit, we've gotta hide somewhere."

"What? Why's that?"

"We just do!"

"Oh, jealous lady friend coming? Angry wife?"

"No, much more annoying," Zidane said. He tugged Kuja by the hand, leading in the direction of a shop just a bit down the street. They didn't get very far before a loud voice called out behind them.

"He-ey, Zi-da-ane! Where you running off to now?" Kuja glanced over his shoulder to see an odd tattooed man with a mohawk approaching.

Zidane stopped. "Damn." He and Kuja turned as the other man caught up. "Oh, hello there, Brother. Glad to see you're, uh... doing well today."

"Every day is good day," Brother said, grinning. He looked at Kuja. "Oooh, and who's this? Your pretty new lady friend?"

"Ah, no. Brother, this is my brother, Kuja."

"Oh-hoho," Brother grinned further. He grabbed Kuja's closest hand in his own, shaking it vigorously. "Very nice to meet you, mister Kuja!"

"Ah, hello."

Brother turned his head to Zidane. "You have a very pretty brother, Zidane."

"Uh, thanks..."

Brother looked back to Kuja. "Ah, maybe we can have lunch some time, eh?"

At the word, Kuja's stomach growled. "Ah, lunch...."

"Yah, it'll be good!"

"I'm afraid I may have to pass on that offer," Kuja said, trying to look and sound apologetic. Brother drooped a bit.

"Ah...ha....okay, I see. That's okay..." He grinned again, winking. "You have a good time with your brother then, eh?"

"I'll, ur... try." Kuja let out a little yelp as Zidane grabbed him by the hand again and bolted for the nearest door.

"See you later, Brother, sorry to run!" the blonde genome called over his shoulder.

"That's okay!" Brother called back cheerfully, waving. "Have fun, kiddies!"

----

end chapter 36