Chapter 37

The gym.

She had to tell him about the gym and felt the tears slowly fall down her cheeks. "He…ambushed me at the gym…in the shower." That made his dark eyes IGNITE and she actually took a step back, letting out a shaky breath. "We didn't have sex there, but…god…" How did Chacia explain this? "He fingerfucked me, okay? He ambushed me, told me he didn't like seeing me with you and then left after getting me off. Then he showed up at my hotel room later that night…" This had all happened on Saturday, in one day, which was hard to believe. "I raged at him, Colby. I-I was so angry at him because of everything he's done since bringing me here. He abandoned me and I know that – I know he was a dick to me. I don't know why I did it or let it happen. The only explanation is I love him. I love him…" She said it again, those words sounding foreign to her because that was the first time she actually admitted, out loud, what that pull inside of her was. It was love – it had to be. "I kicked him out after it happened…and I was going to tell you about it last night, but…you were way too upset…" He left her stranded at the arena in his bitch fit. "Jon was there, offered me a ride and took me back to his hotel. I tried fighting it…I told him to bring me back here, but he wouldn't listen and then he asked me to stay with him…and I did. And…I'm not sorry it happened, but I am sorry for hurting you. I-I never wanted to hurt you like this…" That was why she told him to run away from her because she was no good for him as long as Jonathan Good existed in her world.

Colby walked away from her, his entire body shaking. She had warned him. Chacia had been brutally honest about this possibility happening, he would give her credit for that. However, he hadn't believed her, not really. Colby had thought it was some stupid crush and she would outgrow it, especially with him in the picture. He had been kind, and polite, and so patient. He hadn't pushed her into sleeping with him, giving her time and instead… she was banging the guy she was supposed to be staying away from.

"You're damaged, you know that?" He spat angrily, trying to wrestle in his fury, turning to flash near blackened with rage eyes at her. "You're not in love with him, Chacia, you're OBSESSED with him." Colby had kind of figured that from their initial conversation, when he had pursued and she'd had a million reasons why they shouldn't, all because of Ambrose. "And he's using you, Angel, don't you get that? He's happy now, he has what he wants, and now he's making time for you, but as soon as things don't go his way again, he'll be right back to yanking on your chain!"

"I've been in love with him since I was 16, Colby. I just didn't realize what these intense feelings were I had for him and I thought it was some kind of addiction, obsession, like you said. If I was obsessed with him, addicted to him, I wouldn't have gone 8 years without talking to him, seeing him. That's not what an obsessed, addicted person does." Chacia reasoned calmly, seeing he was getting pissed off with each word that came out of her mouth. She didn't care; he needed to hear it all. "I would've followed him to the ends of the earth and I didn't, I stayed in Cincinnati, went to school, got my degree in sports medicine and continued my life. And let's be real for a second, okay? We didn't have sex, we shared some moments with frozen yogurt and worked out a lot. That's pretty much all we did this past month. I don't even think what we had can be considered a relationship because we never put a label on us, or you never told me what you wanted other than for me to give you a chance. It was never going to work out between us and deep down, you know that. Because I would never be able to love you. I would never be able to give you my heart because he has it under lock and key and he has since I was 16. And I wasn't going to keep fucking him while dating you – that's not who I am. I was wrong for not ending things before they escalated to this point – for starting whatever this was between us in the first place because I KNEW it wouldn't work out. And I'm sorry your pride is hurt because there's no way you love me, so I didn't break your heart so much as your pride and I'm sorry for that."

"Yeah, you definitely broke my pride." Colby laughed, the sound broken and bitter. "You can say you're not obsessed or an addict all you want, Chacia. You can scream it until you're blue in the face and it won't matter. Everyone BUT you sees it for what it is. You know why you stayed in Cincinnati? Because you were keeping the home fires burning. You made sure that you were always where Jon would be able to find you when he wanted to come play with you again, or have you tend to his wounds. You think you love a man who does nothing but use you, he walks away from you without batting an eyelash. He uses you to fix him when he gets hurt. You even got a degree and a career in the field that benefits him the most, medical! What're you going to do the next time he decides he's pissed at the world and doesn't want you around? AGAIN!"

There was always that possibility and it hurt her to hear those words, but they were the truth. The cold, hard truth – facts. Jon had done it to her a few times now, used her for what he needed and then casted her aside. Last night had been wonderful and amazing, but she didn't know if he would abandon her again in the future.

"I can't predict the future, Colby. And I'm gonna keep doing what I always do – live my life with or without him." Chacia was a lot happier with Jon around, admittedly, but it didn't completely cripple her to not have him in her life either. "And I didn't get into sports medicine for him either. I was a wrestler first and foremost and when I couldn't do it anymore, I wanted to still stay in the field. But you keep thinking what you want and spew the hate. I understand, you're upset and hurt, so you're gonna fire off on all cylinders at me and that's fine. I can take it. I'm in the wrong here and I take full responsibility for my actions. But don't presume you think you know me or who I am because you don't have a clue." Walking over, Chacia grabbed her bags and shouldered her backpack, knowing it was time to make her exit.

"You're wrong." Colby muttered sadly, shaking his head. "I've seen how you look at him when you think nobody is watching, and I've always been aware of how you orient yourself around him. Jon's true love is Jon, and you're just some sad, silly high school girl who never let go of her crush."

If he had known Pavana's official 'diagnosis', the co-dependency thing, he would have wholeheartedly agreed with it. And there was no point in arguing with Chacia because she was like any other addict. She had 'valid' reasons and justifications and refused to acknowledge the truth.

"I guess we'll find out in time since I'm with him now." Oh boy, she did NOT like the look that came over Colby's eyes. That was the wrong thing to say to him. "In an actual relationship – just thought I'd forewarn you, so it's not a shock to see us together."

Pavana was wrong in her 'diagnosis', even though she was only trying to help. She wasn't dependent on Jon because she still lived her own life and did her own thing. He wasn't dependent on her either, obviously.

"Goodbye, Colby."

Walking out, she shut the door and winced at something being hurled at it on the other side, hurrying away just in case. Taking the stairs, Chacia finally made it to the exit and wasn't surprised to find Jon waiting for her. He was leaning against the car with his arms folded and she dropped her luggage, running to him with fresh tears falling down her cheeks. Jon caught her and her lips met his, her legs encircling his waist, pouring every ounce of feeling into the kiss she could muster up. The one thing she hadn't said to him…that she admitted to Colby…she couldn't hold it back any longer and broke the kiss, breathing heavily.

"I-I love you. It's not an addiction and it's not an obsession and it's not co-dependency. I love you, Jon…and I don't care if you don't feel the same way about me. Now you know." And so did she.

Well, she did sound like an addict and Jon would know because he was a recovered addict. One denied everything and justified everything. The addict refused to see it for what it was and listed off all these valid reasons why it wasn't. However, since he was the addiction… they could call it love.

"I'm guessing it didn't go well," He murmured against her lips, pulling her up off her feet in a tight embrace. "At least it's over now, darlin'."

"No, it didn't. He said you would use me again and keep yanking on my chain. That you're happy right now because things are going your way, but as soon as they don't, and you get pissed off again, you won't want me around. That you're just a silly high school crush I'll never get over."

Chacia didn't want to believe Jon would use her again and hurt her, pressing her forehead to his. What if he did? What if he hurt her again? What if Colby was right? Could she handle it? Could she handle the emotional turmoil caused by Jon again?

"I-I don't want to believe him…I don't want to have doubts about you or how you feel…"

Jon couldn't even tell her yes or no last night on whether he wanted to be with her. Instead, he showed with actions by making love to her multiple times and Chacia thought that was good enough. After that talk with Colby, however, the doubts were starting to surface again and it showed in her watery hazel eyes. If Jon could have seen how she was with Colby, he would have probably been mildly concerned at how such a cool and collected woman could suddenly become this clingy, scared, desperate person and he would have also known that it was his fault. He had put these doubts in her head and he had consistently reinforced them throughout the years.

"I don't even know my own mind half the time, Chacia," He admitted, brushing away a tear. "I know I care about you, and I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't like seeing you with other men. I hate it when you cry, and I hate it more knowing it's my fault. Is that love or is it because I'm a selfish person?"

"Maybe a combination of both."

Chacia felt him lower her to her feet, but his arms remained around her and she rested her hands on his chest, heaving a sigh. He cared about her. That was something, she supposed. Jon hadn't been raised with love in his life or light – there was a lot of darkness he had to overcome and she helped him as much as she could.

"Maybe this isn't a good idea, after all." She really hated doubts and extracted herself from his arms, wiping her tears away. "Last night was incredible and I'll never forget it, but…I can see the hesitance in your eyes, Jon. I can FEEL it too. The last thing I want is to push you into something you don't want or you're not ready for. And I can't keep doing this to myself, falling into these traps. Making myself believe you feel something more for me, deluding myself. I love you and I will always, always, love you. Maybe it's just not meant to be for us…maybe Colby's right. Because if you DID know what you truly want, you would be able to tell me if you want to be with me or not, instead of using sex as a distraction. You would be able to say yes or no." It was getting late and they had to hit the road if they were making it to Raw on time tonight.

"Darlin', for as long as I've known you," It was practically a lifetime, he took hold of her hands, but didn't move to pull her back into his arms. "You've always been cool and collected, levelheaded. So… between last night and today, with… with you telling me you love me, and this dependency addiction thing, and everything else, I'm still… kind of getting over the shock of seeing you emotional." Mother hen, firm, resolute, she had been a steady rock and then, in the last hours, she had become a sobbing mess of emotions and it was actually throwing him for a loop. "I don't know if I love you, Chacia. I care about you more than anyone. I love being with you, I want to be with you and see where it goes, but you're asking questions I can't even answer for myself just yet, darlin'. You tell me all this last night and you want an instant answer, and I'm still sorting out the shit I've done to you."

How he had treated her, been towards her, the stuff Jon had said and done, but she wanted to know if he loved her. Yes, probably. But he wasn't sure if it was the kind of love she needed, not just yet. What if Seth was right? What if because Jon was happy with how things were, he loved her and wanted her now, what if things changed?

"I don't want to tell you I love you right this minute and then something go wrong on my end and hurt you again. Give me time."

Give him time…Give. Him. Time. Chacia could not wrap her mind around those words, no matter how hard she tried. How could he not know? They'd known each other since they were 16 and he still needed more time to determine how he felt about her?

"I'm done. I can't." Chacia pulled her hands away, shaking her head and scrubbed a hand down her face. "You better get going to Raw. I'll try to make it on time." When Jon reached for her, she held her hand up with tears glistening in her eyes. "DON'T! Don't touch me. Just don't. I can find my own way."

Turning, Chacia walked away from him and did not look back, her heart aching and the pull was strong, but…she had to resist. It was her turn to walk away from him for a change. Jon let her walk away, shaking his head and sighed. Well, now he knew how it felt to be turned on, which was weird, especially coming from her. But, he wasn't chasing her because he had told her the truth and she hadn't liked it. He didn't know what else to say. Chacia had flipped his world upside down and shown him a weird side of her he hadn't known existed and it was startling, to say the least. He was, admittedly, a little miffed that she didn't appreciate the fact that he wanted to be sure how he felt about her wasn't tied to his mood swings. Jon had thought that would have at least been a good thing.

"Idiot, Good."