Chapter 36: Facing That Dark Place
Our last day at the mountain cottage begins quietly. Yuuri is in a deep sleep and his naked body is all tangled up with mine after a very hot night of lovemaking. With Maccachin sleeping on my feet, it's hard to wiggle free, but with a little work, I manage it. I take my time in the shower, closing my eyes and feeling again that lovely closeness I felt all night with him. His arms felt so good all wrapped around me, and his kisses were so delicious! It's like I can still smell his scent all over me.
Oh wait…he's here!
"What are you doing up so early?" I laugh as he wraps himself around me and starts kissing my neck, "Not that I mind, but you've got to be tired after all of that savory lovemaking, right?"
"A little," he giggles, "but the bed was too cold without you."
"Oh," I say, narrowing my eyes, "don't you try to get me to skip practice, just so that you can get ahead of me on training."
"I just want to see Victor skate," he says adoringly, "I can just watch you warm up if you want to skate alone."
"No, you are welcome to come and watch me skate…anytime you want to," I assure him, "You make it even more of a pleasure for me."
"I do?" he asks, looking tickled at the idea.
"You do," I insist, "Do you mind washing my back for me, solnyshko? I love the way your hands feel when you do that."
"Oh, sure," he answers, picking up the soap and a washcloth.
There really is no feeling better than Yuuri running his soapy hands all over my shoulders and back, working up a thick lather and using his fingernails gently on my slicked flesh. I press my hands against the wall of the shower, arching my back like a cat as he works, practically purring like one, too, because it feels so amazing. It proves beyond a doubt that there are non-sexual touches that are every bit as satisfying as sexual ones, and that there is such a thing as complete bliss doesn't require orgasm.
Of course, I have no problem at all, not even after us making love more than a few times last night, when he slips a hand around my waist and pleasures me that way too. I don't know if it's the cold up here in the mountains, the fresh, unspoiled air or maybe the fact that Yuuri and I are up here dancing so seductively in front of each other every day. Whatever it is, there seems no end to my stamina when it comes to being aroused by him, feeling that aggressive need to be as close as is physically possible with him. To wrap all of my senses around him and enjoy every inch of him, to feel him return my affections wholeheartedly? Oh my god, I don't think I ever knew that before with anyone.
Just my cute, wonderful quirky Japanese beauty, who has fully blossomed now from my head over heels crush to my lifelong obsession. I had no idea when I helped this sweet little piggy transform into a prince, that he would be my prince.
I feel so very lucky.
Can we just stay right here, like this?
We linger in the shower for a long time, and when we get out and dry off, I push him back onto the bed and wrap myself around him, clinging to him shamelessly. Where me being so much like that used to fluster him, he eats it up now. I guess it's just how comfortable we've gotten with each other. Where Yuuri used to seem intimidated by the fact I can't keep my hands off of him, he's grown fond of being kissed, tickled, caressed and stroked to within an inch of his life. And he responds with the touches he has learned I love. I actually have a fetish for him to leave love marks in places I can steal secret looks at during the day. Little bite marks made by my lover are a constant reminder that I'm never, ever alone, no matter how lonely I may sometimes feel, or how far apart we may have to be sometimes.
"Victor, aren't you supposed to be practicing?"
"I'm too busy enjoying you," I giggle, tickling him under the chin, "You're like a cute, very horny little bunny and you taste better than hot spiced cider."
"I don't know," he chuckles, "Hot spiced cider is pretty delicious. But seriously, you should get to practicing. We're going home today, right?"
"Right," I agree.
And tomorrow, we'll be off to the World Championships. From Russia, Yurio and I are the two chosen to go. Yuuri is the lone Japanese entry. We'll see Chris, Phichit, J.J. and Otabek also. It's going to be an amazing competition.
"I'll finally get to share the ice with Victor again," Yuuri sighs contentedly, "I'm really looking forward to that."
"I am too," I agree, "All right, then, let's get moving."
We dress and have breakfast with the others, then we head over to the rink building. Yuuri and I warm up together, then he and the others watch from rinkside as I run through my short and long programs (I leave out the fifth quad, but I practice my quads separately too, so I won't neglect them.). They go very smoothly now, and I can see in Yuuri's dark, appreciative eyes that he no longer has any doubts about my readiness to compete with him. During his practice, he too shows in every turn, every spin, every jump that the confidence I have in him is well placed. We finish by having the others join us for a final ice dance, before we go back to the house and pack our things. Yuuri and I cuddle in the back seat of the car as Maret and Sava drive us back to Saint Petersburg. We arrive at home, and I feel a little touch of sadness that the last time I was here, I was completely miserable.
I don't feel that at all now.
I mean, honestly, in the back of my mind, I know that I have an important decision I have to make about my rehabilitation, and that is going to impact both Yuuri and me profoundly, because it may separate us for awhile again. But…if it is what we need to keep the beautiful love that we've grown between us, then yes, I will leave him for awhile if I have to.
"Victor?"
I blink and realize that I was standing just inside the doorway and staring at the inside of the house.
"Do you want to soak in the hot tub?" I ask Yuuri.
"We just bathed this morning," Yuuri giggles.
"Not for bathing. I just want to soak with you."
"Okay," he agrees readily.
We say our goodbyes for now to Stefan and Maret, although Stefan and I step aside for a moment to exchange a few private words.
"I will see you at the hotel tomorrow," Stefan says, touching my arm, "I think you've been looking well, and I look forward to hearing what your decision will be. I think you should know that you are putting up a capable fight against your addiction. And with some intervention, I know you will be successful. You have a lot of support."
"I know I do," I acknowledge, "and maybe that's what I fear most about taking the inpatient option. I am worried that being alone, being without them is going to be too difficult for me. I can be confident about most things, but being locked up and alone…"
"Victor, I showed you around the facility that first day you came for intake," he reminds me, "It isn't a prison. It is a place for recovery."
"But I won't even get to speak to my family, to Yuuri, for an entire week if I go there. I don't know how I will be, wondering if they are all right, and not knowing what is happening."
"I understand that worry," he acknowledges, "The brief isolation from everyone and everything is meant to help you adjust to the new environment and schedule. I assure you that, first, we will be sensitive to your needs. We will make sure that if there is a need for you to be in contact with your loved ones, they can reach out to you in emergencies. And you will be very busy setting the parameters for your treatment."
"Don't you do that?" I ask him, "Isn't that why you asked me a billion questions and looked over every inch of me?"
"Well, that's part of the reason. It's going to help me to offer you the program that fits your needs the best. But you will have the ultimate choice about how you need to approach your struggle for sobriety. It's something very personal that you need to really commit yourself to, if you want to succeed."
"And you honestly think that the very best option for me is to be in the inpatient program?"
"You lead a high activity, high pressure life," he explains, "There are many temptations in your environment, and at the times you become vulnerable to relapse, you have plenty of places to find alcohol, as well as a physical and mental attachment to doing so. I think the clean environment in the recovery center is best for giving you a chance to step away from everything and focus clearly on what is happening in your body and your mind when you choose to drink. You seem to have a clear understanding that this is a choice you are making, and you are responsible for that choice. We need to move forward from there to thinking things through and altering the choice you make when stress on your body and/or mind and emotions increases."
"I promise you I am thinking about it," I tell him sincerely, "I am just not ready to give an answer yet."
"I understand," he assures me, "It's a big decision for you, and it will impact a lot of people you are close to. I know you worry, too, about confidentiality. It's a legitimate concern, but we will make an honest effort to allow you to recover in privacy.
"I'm sure you will. You've never, in the time I've known you, given me any reason to doubt you or anything you say. And it really helps me to know you've been through something like what I am going through. It's just that it's a long time to be away from my family, my friends, my skating. I basically have to drop everything and…do this."
"Yes," he says, looking into my eyes, "but think of it this way. If this was a physical injury you had a choice about healing…"
"I would do whatever I had to."
"Yes, and if it was a physical illness, you would take a doctor's advice. It seems harder for patients to look at alcoholism, which is both a physical and an emotional illness, in the same light."
"Hmm, it does make sense when you put it that way. I will take what you've said to heart and make it a part of my decision."
"And I will respect whatever decision you make and do my best to help you."
We exchange a warm hug, then I go back into the house and sink down into the hot tub that Yuuri has filled with hot water and bubbles for us. We're both quiet for awhile, but finally, he breaks the silence.
"You and Stefan were out there talking for quite awhile," he comments.
I give him a little nod and lean into his shoulder, breathing slowly.
"He wants to be sure that I think everything through. He seems sure that the option he thinks is best is a sixty day inpatient program."
"Sixty days?" Yuuri repeats, looking a little thrown, "I thought that he said it was thirty days."
"It was, in his first estimation," I agree, "but in the time since, he's rethought that, and now he seems to think that the longer time would be beneficial."
"And what do you think about that?" he asks.
He looks as scared as I feel.
"I'm terrified of being in that place," I confess to him, "but it's not because I think anyone will be bad to me. I just…ever since I was hospitalized after Modya almost killed me, I've been terrified of places that feel like a hospital. I'm afraid of being confined and locked up, away from everyone I know and care about. I'll be scared while I'm in there that something bad will happen out here, and I won't be there. There are a lot of things about this that make me feel afraid, but at the same time, Stefan has been perfectly reliable. He's been completely supportive. He's been honest with me, and he knows me. It's not like that first day, when I felt like he didn't understand. Now, I know he does, and even though I'm still afraid, I do feel like he may be right about this, Yuuri."
Yuuri takes a long, shaky breath.
"I think he may be right too," he agrees, "I just…feel scared about you leaving. I don't want anything bad to happen to you in there. I trust Stefan also, but I'm still going to be worried. Yet, if it's what you need to get well, then you should listen to Stefan and do what he says."
"I know," I sigh, closing my eyes and clinging to Yuuri tightly, "It's just not easy to make a decision like this that means I'll be away from you again."
"Only really for a week," he reminds me, "Then, I can visit you on weekends. And didn't Stefan say that you would come home on some weekends later?"
"Maybe, if I am doing well."
"Well, that's something that makes it a little easier, right?"
He hugs me back and kisses me on the cheek.
"I know that whatever you choose, you're going to try really hard, and you're going to do well. You've got a lot of people supporting you, and you're a strong person. You've more than proven that."
I have to smile at that.
"Thank you, Yuuri. It's good to feel you have confidence in me."
"Sure I do," he says, smiling sadly, "You were strong for me, while I was learning to be strong, myself. You can do this."
"I hope so," I whisper into his ear, "I love you. I don't ever want to do anything to ruin what we have. I want to marry you, and someday, I want to raise children with you, Yuuri. After I retire from skating professionally, I think I'd like to build a skating school and we can run it together, somewhere where we can be married and have a family. I think about that every day now."
"Me too," he answers, blushing, "I think about it all of the time."
"We'll focus on that," I say reassuringly, "then, whatever happens, we'll work in that direction."
"So…you think you're going to do the inpatient program?" he asks.
My heart starts racing and I feel a little weak just thinking about it.
"I don't know," I answer honestly, burying my face in his shoulder, "I want to say yes. I want to be strong enough to do that, but I don't know yet if I can. I have to think about it more."
"Okay," he says patiently, "I know you'll make a good decision. I trust you, Victor."
"Good. That means a lot."
We're quiet after that. There is a lot to think about. There is a mental jump I have to make before I'm ready to confront that question of what I will do. There is so much riding on whatever I decide. I have to make a good decision. But even if it is a good decision, leaving Yuuri will be a hard decision to make, even if it is for a relatively short time. I hate being away from him for a minute. And this will be two months.
Who knows what will happen in those two months?
Who knows what I will be like when I come home again?
For most of my life, I have controlled the decisions I've made. This would be relinquishing control of my entire life for sixty days.
Can I do that?
The question is haunting, and the time is coming when I will have to give an answer.