A/N: I apologize for taking longer than anticipated to get this update up. I somehow managed to lose my inspiration and really struggled. I'm not completely happy with this chapter, but I hope you'll still like it a little.
Peter's first few days back to work after the holidays had ended were awful and Neal wished he knew what to do for his husband. Agents had come up from DC to question every agent involved in the sting they'd planned to arrest Rachel with. Needless to say, Peter had to bring Neal in since he'd been the one who was able to make Rachel confess to her crimes and he'd also been shot in the process. While he hadn't been injured, the agents questioned him on the effectiveness of the White Collar division. Neal had been honest with them and told them everything went according to plan. Her escape wasn't anticipated, but the agents had tried their best in his opinion.
However, the awful part about all of this was that the agents from DC decided that the division wasn't effective as a whole. Peter, fortunately, managed not to be extremely affected by the changes that were being enacted initially. He was training new agents and taking them with him on cases to get them in the field. While Peter was out doing exactly what he'd been asked to do, changes in the bureau had been made. Upon returning after successfully arresting a cat burglar with several of their new agents, he discovered that Reese had been replaced.
Initially, Reese believed Peter was going to be promoted, but he was wrong. A new ASAC was brought in and Reese tried to fight for his position once he realized Peter wasn't going to be leading the White Collar division. Had Peter gotten the ASAC position, he would've been absolutely fine with it. Peter was his second in command for a reason and he trusted that Peter would lead their division properly.
When he realized who was taking over, he was infuriated.
Phillip Kramer, Peter's former mentor and the agent in charge of DC's Art Crimes unit, was taking over White Collar. He remembered the last time Kramer had been with their division. Peter informed him of how homophobic Kramer was as well as how he'd ridiculed the hell out of Neal. Reese didn't understand how putting this man in charge of White Collar would do any good. He was an expert when it came to the arts, but White Collar was diverse. In Reese's opinion, Peter would have been the better choice. Putting an Art Crimes agent into White Collar was the worst idea the FBI ever had as far as Reese was concerned.
When Peter went home after Kramer arrived and began ordering him and his agents around, Peter was stressed out. He went home and had very little patience for his children as well as his husband. Nicky and Neal both realized this and they tried to keep everything calm and quiet. Neal had been shocked into silence when he'd accidentally dropped a bowl that he was carrying out for one of the twins because Peter flipped the hell out on him. Neal cleaned up the mess and took a portion of his own dinner, shifting it into a bowl so the toddler wouldn't have to starve, but Neal really didn't appreciate Peter yelling at him with all three children within hearing range. He almost punched Peter when Peter snapped at the toddlers for crying after he'd yelled at Neal, but he managed to hold himself back and demanded that Peter go up to their bedroom and stay in there until he calmed down.
Needless to say, Peter was happy to do that, but he realized how awful he'd been to his family. They hadn't done anything wrong. He was just fed up with Kramer bossing him around. He had absolutely no time to work on his caseload and he kept pushing it off onto Diana and Jones because Kramer kept asking him to do other things. Diana and Jones were both wonderful and did his casework for him, but he felt horrible. Upon realizing he'd brought his horrible feelings home with him, he couldn't imagine how he'd made his husband and children feel. The kids wouldn't understand and Neal… Neal wouldn't either, but he knew it was work-related and he was upset with Peter for not leaving his attitude at work.
That was a conversation he wasn't looking forward to having with his husband. He wanted to apologize to Neal as well as the kids. They didn't deserve his anger and he hoped they knew he wasn't angry with them specifically.
After twenty minutes, he decided to go back downstairs so he could eat dinner with his family. They were sitting in the dining room and eating quietly, but Peter could hear the sniffles from Nicky and the toddlers. "It's okay," Neal whispered to them. "Poppa's not mad at any of you. He's just in a bad mood." Well, at least Neal did understand that it wasn't their fault.
"Why did he yell at you?" Nicky asked miserably.
Neal sighed. "He had a hard day at work today. Unfortunately, poppa came home unhappy and angry because of work. I did something stupid and that was all it took to make him snap." Peter's heart ached as he listened to Neal speak to their son. "He loves all of us and he didn't mean to yell at us, Nicky. He'll be fine later."
"I hope he stays up there," Nicky said angrily. Neal made an exasperated sound and Nicky added, "He yelled at them for crying. They were crying because he was yelling at you. There's no excuse for that."
"Nicky, listen to—"
"He yelled at his almost-two year old twins," Nicky snapped, "for crying. Don't make excuses for him. He was being a jerk for whatever reason. I don't want him down here."
Peter wanted to cry because he hurt his son. He hadn't even yelled at Nicky, but Nicky was very sensitive to the way his siblings and daddy were treated. "Do you realize he's in the other room and he just heard every word you said?" Peter's eyes widened. He didn't realize Neal heard him come downstairs. Tentatively, he went into the dining room and he saw how terrified and apologetic Nicky looked at him.
Neal glanced up at Peter when Peter stopped beside him. He tried to stop Nicky because he knew Peter was listening, but Nicky said it all anyway. "He's not wrong," Peter admitted. Neal gave him a small smile when Peter carded his fingers through his husband's hair. "I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry for yelling at you and for yelling at the twins." Glancing at Nicky, Peter nodded. "You're right. I was being a jerk and I'm sorry. Daddy was right when he said I'm not mad at you all. Today was rough and I'm sorry for not leaving my frustration and anger at work." He looked at Neal again and whispered, "I love you and I hope you still love me."
"Of course I do," Neal whispered in response. "We all love you." Peter focused on Nicky and saw how frantically Nicky was nodding. "I'm sorry that work was hell on you."
"Nick, I'm not mad at you. I'm not going to yell at you. I was being an ass for no reason."
Nicky swallowed hard and said, "I love you, poppa."
Peter managed to smile at his son and said, "I love you, too, buddy." Leaning over a bit, he kissed the twins foreheads and whispered, "Poppa loves you two very much, too." He laughed quietly when Joey grabbed his face and gave him a big, opened-mouthed kiss.
"Lo, poppa," he said, giggling and grinning excitedly up at his poppa.
Peter chuckled because he knew Neal had been working with the twins, trying to teach them how to say 'I love you.' "Love my Joey boy," he said as he gave Joey another kiss. Neal grinned as he watched his husband with the kids. He'd been pissed at Peter earlier for yelling at them, but he'd calmed himself down and knew Peter hadn't purposely snapped at them. He knows Peter loves them. "Love my Brie baby, too," he added as he gave her a kiss that she returned. Peter scooted down the side of the table and kissed Nicky's hair as he whispered, "I love my little buddy so much." Neal smiled as Nicky whispered his love for his poppa back to him and gave him a hug. Peter knew Nicky was afraid of being yelled at for calling his poppa a jerk. He wanted to reassure his son that he wasn't going to yell at them anymore.
While Peter was telling his children he loves them, he hadn't realized that Neal left the table. When he'd turned to look at his husband, guilt hit him hard. He knew he'd hurt Neal's feelings. The only thing he was grateful for was the fact that he hadn't made Neal cry. Neal's an understanding man and he tried to make Nicky understand, but Peter knew Neal was hurt nonetheless.
As Peter began to berate himself, he glanced up and watched Neal walk out of the kitchen with Peter's dinner. His lips parted when he realized Neal had dished it out before. Neal obviously expected him to calm down and join them for dinner. "Sit down, my love," Neal said softly as he set Peter's plate down on the table.
Before Neal had the chance to take his seat again, Peter darted over to him and wrapped his arms around him. Neal laughed softly and then Peter kissed him fiercely. When they parted, Neal was breathless and smiling at his husband. "I love my baby boy," he whispered, hoping Nicky hadn't heard him. He couldn't remember if he'd ever called Neal that in front of Nicky, but Neal referred to Nicky as his baby boy because he is Neal's baby boy.
"I love my teddy bear," Neal said quietly. "Eat your dinner, babe." He rubbed Peter's back and smiled when Peter kissed his cheek. He peppered kisses all over Neal's face and it made Neal laugh a little. "Okay, okay," he said in between laughs. "Later, lover."
Peter was slightly relieved by that. Neal still wanted to be intimate with him even though he felt like he definitely didn't deserve Neal tonight. He knew he'd need to talk to Neal about Kramer later, but he wasn't entirely sure if he wanted to mention that Neal had once been jealous of the man. They both figured he was a closeted homosexual who had an interest in Peter and Peter worried that Kramer would take advantage of Neal not being around anymore. He could also look into why Neal wasn't working within the bureau and Peter didn't want Kramer to criticize his husband again.
As he was eating quietly with his family, he thought back to when Kramer had been working with them on a case. He remembered how much Neal had been hurt by him and he never wanted Neal to go through that again. While things had ended decently, Peter didn't want to hear Kramer say terrible things about Neal's memory loss. It wasn't Neal's fault. His brain had been damaged by Rachel and it was obvious that he had absolutely no control over the situation when it happened.
No matter what Kramer said, Peter would defend his husband.
•◊•
Kramer walked into Peter's office the following morning without asking if Peter were busy. Peter was emailing his husband since Neal emailed him first to ask how things were going. Up to this point, everything had gone well and he was about to ask Neal out to lunch until Kramer came in and interrupted him mid-reply. "Agent Burke." Day two of Kramer's tyranny and Peter hated it as much as he'd hated the day before. "I have a quick question pertaining to your former partner." Peter sighed and nodded. "Was I right when I told you he was only with you because of your rank?"
Peter gave him an incredulous look and shook his head vehemently. "Did you not read his medical file?" Kramer's brows furrowed and Peter forced a mirthless laugh. "My husband was taken by Rachel Turner, an MI-five agent gone rogue. While he was her captive, she damaged his brain. He lost his memories, which means he lost his training from Quantico." Kramer looked surprised by that and Peter wondered how this man was supposed to lead them if he couldn't get his facts straight. "If you look at his medical file, his brain scans are there."
"I didn't realize that. I thought…"
"I know what you thought," Peter said firmly. "My husband is a faithful man. We're rebuilding his life, but he can't work for the FBI. If he chooses to retrain himself, that will be his decision, but he can't work for the bureau right now."
Kramer shook his head and Peter bristled slightly at that, thinking Kramer was going to criticize his husband. "What a waste," he said solemnly. "He was actually a decent agent and I would have loved to have him work in the Art Crimes division."
Peter laughed. "Neal wouldn't work for you. He didn't take your offer the last ten times you asked him." The older man raised an eyebrow and Peter continued, figuring he was digging his own professional grave. "After the way you treated him, he would never work for you. You put him down because he was raped and you criticized him as an agent. You questioned his ability to work for us, yet you expected him to willingly join you in DC immediately." Peter shook his head and laughed again. "Neal would never work for you. If he did, I would convince him that it was a toxic environment for him considering you seem to have this strong belief that men can't be raped, that he's a weak man because of his rape, and that his casework and Quantico record didn't give him the right to work for us." Peter considered himself finished there, but he felt the need to add, "Oh, I almost forgot! You also accused him of whoring himself out to agents in OPR so he could get a promotion and then proceeded to insinuate that he was doing the same to me while simultaneously inferring that I'm a fool for loving him."
"I apologize."
"You made my husband suffer. Anyone who hurts him doesn't deserve my respect." Kramer looked like he really didn't appreciate everything Peter was saying, but he would never dream of booting Peter from the White Collar division. Since the days in which he'd mentored Peter, he was very impressed with Peter. If anything, he'd like to have Peter higher up in the chain and working in DC. "I understand that you were sent to replace Hughes. And, though I don't agree with it, I hope you'll be professional instead of digging into your agents' personal lives."
Kramer shook his head. "I'm the ASAC now, Peter. If I question an agent's personal life, it's relevant and I expect answers. Neither you nor any other agent in this division will change my policy of guilty until proven innocent." Peter tensed at that and assumed Kramer was going to do something that would hurt Neal in some way. "You aren't in command of this division, Peter. I am. If you don't agree with my methods, you're more than welcome to withdraw from your position at anytime."
Peter's jaw tensed as he nodded. "Don't you dare bring my husband into this ever again," he snarled. "He's no longer working for the FBI. His life is his own. He's just my husband now."
The older man wondered if Peter was hiding something. Neal admitted before that he had connections to criminals. Perhaps Hughes and Peter knew about some crime he'd committed and asked him to pretend he'd lost his memory so they could give him a legitimate reason to not work for the bureau any longer. "I'll leave you to your casework then," he said as he left Peter's office and returned to his own.
Sighing in frustration, Peter turned back to his computer and backspaced everything he'd written so he could compose a different message. "Honey, I desperately need to have lunch with you—at home."
After a few minutes, Neal wrote him back. "Give me half an hour to put the twins down for their nap and then I'm all yours, Mister Burke." He added a heart after that and it made Peter smile.
He wrote back, "All right. I'll see you soon. I love you, Mister Burke."
For the time being, he'd get some more work done. While Neal was busy with their children, Peter figured he could be busy with his casework now that he'd finally gotten to it.
The next time Peter looked at the clock, he realized it'd been half an hour. It would take him ten to fifteen minutes to get home and he knew Neal understood what it was that he'd implied in innocent terminology just in case anyone were to observe his emails between the two of them. 'Lunch at home' was now his way of asking Neal if they could make love during his lunch break and Neal was thrilled with that new arrangement. As far as anyone else was concerned, he was just going home to eat lunch with his husband.
As he stood up and reached for his jacket, he happened to glance up when he heard a commotion. His jaw dropped when he realized Neal was being led through the bullpen—in handcuffs. Peter didn't understand why his husband was brought in, let alone why he was in handcuffs and being escorted to the interrogation room like a criminal. "I want to speak to Agent Burke," he heard Neal say frantically.
"I'm afraid we can't let you."
Peter's eyes widened as he darted out of his office. "Peter," he heard just as Neal was led out of his line of sight. He glanced at the voice who'd called his name and his blood boiled intensely. "I'm going to ask that you stay in your office for the time being."
"Why is he here? Why is he in cuffs? Why is he being questioned?" Peter asked angrily. "My husband has done nothing wrong. He was brought here against his will and—"
"If he's done nothing wrong, then you shouldn't mind me asking him some questions."
Peter bristled and snapped, "Fine, but I'm going to be his legal representative. I request to be present to ensure that his mental and emotional well-being is preserved." Kramer wanted to fight Peter on that, but he waved it off and motioned for Peter to follow him.
As they were walking along the panels, he glanced into the interrogation room and he could see that Neal was frightened and confused. He also saw that there was a polygraph. Considering Neal's confusion and fear, Peter knew this wasn't going to end well unless he calmed Neal down enough so he could perform the polygraph accurately—not that he wanted his husband using a polygraph. He didn't know what Kramer's game was, but he wanted to make sure his husband wasn't hurt.
When they entered the room, Neal spun around and looked at Peter. "Peter, what's going on?" he whispered when Peter stood behind him and rested his hands on Neal's shoulders. Peter didn't answer because he had no idea. He just rubbed his husband's shoulders and neck gently, hoping he could relax his tense husband.
"All right, Neal," Kramer said, drawing Neal's attention back to him. "I'm going to ask you some questions. This machine here… Do you know what it is?"
"It's a polygraph," he answered. Kramer raised an eyebrow at him, but he nodded. "You're questioning me and using it to see if I'm lying to you." He glanced up at Peter and realized Peter didn't agree to this. Neal was upset because he left his twins with an agent he didn't know nor trust. "I don't understand why I'm being questioned. You took me out of my home. You made me leave my two toddlers home."
Peter's eyes widened when he realized that. "They're being taken care of," Kramer assured him. While Kramer was setting the polygraph up, Peter shot Diana a text and asked her to go to his home and make sure the twins were safe, to which she instantly said she'd do for him. "To start, I'd like you to tell me something true."
Neal didn't like this, but he'd calmed himself down when he realized he was being analyzed like this. "My name is Neal," he said.
The three of them watched the polygraph and Kramer nodded. "Now tell me a lie."
"I don't love Peter."
Peter was relieved when he saw that Neal's reaction had been typical to that of a lie. "There. We have a baseline now." He took a seat across from Neal and said, "Peter, I would appreciate it if you removed your hands from his body." Tentatively, Peter did as he was asked and pulled a chair closer to Neal so he could sit beside his husband. To spite Kramer and keep his husband relaxed, he rested his hand on Neal's thigh beneath the table. He didn't move his hand. He just rested it on Neal to remind Neal that he's not alone. "Neal, is Peter your husband?"
"Yes."
Kramer nodded and Peter noticed Kramer's disappointment and that unnerved him. "Did you lose your memory?"
Neal's brows furrowed as he said, "Yes."
"What's the first thing you recall after losing your memory?"
"I questioned Rachel Turner and she thought I was being deceptive when I asked about who I am and where I was. She proceeded to bring in a muscle man that beat me."
Peter watched the polygraph. He didn't think Neal was lying about his memory loss, but he could see that Kramer sincerely doubted Neal. "When you worked for the FBI, were you a criminal consultant?"
"No. I was a Special Agent like my husband."
Neal didn't understand this man's line of questioning. "Have you committed a crime since you lost your memory?"
"Unless you count being forced into prostitution for Rachel's entertainment, no." Peter's hand tightened on Neal's thigh and Neal glanced at his husband for a split second before losing his hostile tone. "No. I haven't committed a crime since losing my memory."
"Did you or did you not sleep with agents in OPR to get a placement into this division?"
Neal's brows furrowed and he looked lost. Peter interrupted and said, "Neal doesn't remember that point in—"
"Then I'll make him," Kramer said firmly, keeping his eyes on Neal. He kept thinking Neal's confusion was a façade and he was determined to destroy Neal in any way that he could. "Think, Neal. Think about Agent Garrett Fowler. He was the man you were in a relationship with while working in DC." Neal was trying to remember the man he was referring to, but he was coming up blank. "Think about the office you worked in while in DC. Think about all of the men you slept with while you were part of OPR."
"What the hell are you talking about?" Neal asked exasperatedly. He glanced at Peter for help, but Peter knew he couldn't interfere. "I don't know who this man is or—"
Kramer slammed a picture of Fowler down onto the table and Neal stared at it before a tidal wave of memories hit him. He remembered having very brutal sex with this man. He remembered being hit and shoved around in a house he didn't recognize. He remembered being restrained in a closet while watching this man go through his belongings. "Ah. He does remember."
Peter stared at his husband concernedly as his breathing accelerated. Neal didn't like the memories he had after looking at the man's picture, but he was determined to search this line of memories so he could answer the question. "I did not sleep with agents in that section to get here," he finally said. "I slept with Agent Fowler and he also abused me throughout our relationship." Peter rubbed Neal's thigh gently and Neal felt awful. He could remember feeling very strongly about that man despite everything that'd been done to him and that furthered his belief that he was a weak man before losing his memory. "I had no sexual relationships with other agents."
Kramer made a sound akin to a growl when he realized Neal was telling the truth. "How did you get your job here at White Collar?"
Neal was stuck in his past as he tried to recall the parts this man was asking him about. "Agent Hughes contacted me via email—my FBI email account—and asked if I would be interested in working for the White Collar division in New York City."
Kramer raised an eyebrow. "I intend on checking that record before Hughes' account is terminated." He glanced at the wall where the see-through panels were and Peter knew someone was out there and was sent to look into the emails between Neal and Hughes prior to working in New York.
The questioning eventually developed into Kramer questioning Peter and Neal's sexual relationship and hadn't realized that their sexual relationship didn't start immediately, but instead had begun a few months into their relationship. Peter wanted to stop Kramer as the questions became more personal between him and Neal, but Neal was answering honestly and Peter was happy to see how frustrated Kramer was because of that. Whatever Neal didn't know, he tried very hard to remember. His voice even changed a little and he sounded as if he were on autopilot while answering these questions.
Kramer questioned Neal about his son, asking about his conception, birth, and the events leading him to Quantico and the White Collar division based on a timeline of Nicky's life. He explained that Nicky had been very young when he'd gotten himself into college, when he was going through Quantico, and when he joined the White Collar division. He was very upfront and honest the whole time.
Peter had to have Diana pick Nicky up from school because, no matter how honest Neal was, Kramer wasn't satisfied. Eventually, Peter asked if Neal was being charged for some crime, to which Kramer admitted there wasn't a crime he was accusing Neal of. After that, the whole thing fell apart and Neal barely managed to keep Peter from getting into a physical fight with Kramer. Peter almost hit Neal for pulling him away from Kramer, but he calmed himself down and said he and Neal were going home. Kramer tried to argue that Peter was still on the clock and Peter's response was: "Fuck the clock and fuck you."
Neal drove them home because Peter was furious and he listened to Peter rant until they got home. He understood why his husband was upset and he agreed with everything Peter said. He considered telling Peter he remembered who Kramer was during the questioning, but he figured talking about it right now would just upset Peter more.
The second they'd gotten home, Peter bitched at Kramer's agents who were near their children and demanded that they all leave immediately. Diana was there and Peter thanked her before allowing her to leave as well. Nicky had been with his siblings because he didn't want anything to happen to them. He knew his Aunt Diana would protect them, but he felt responsible for the twins as their older brother. Now that their fathers were home, everyone was relieved.
They went about their daily routine and then, before they knew it, Neal and Peter were tucking their children in for the night and heading to their bedroom. "Are you…feeling up to anything tonight?" Neal asked cautiously as he shut their bedroom door.
"As much as I'd love to make love to you, I'm still so pissed off and the last thing I want to do is cause you an unbearable amount of pain." Neal nodded, watching Peter strip down to his briefs and sigh quietly as he sat on the end of the bed. "I love you and I'm sorry for today. I didn't know he was going to do that to you until I saw you come in." Neal stripped down to his lingerie and stood in front of his husband, resting his hands on Peter's shoulders. Peter glanced at Neal's left wrist and gasped. "They hurt you?" Neal frowned as Peter grabbed Neal's hands and shifted them so he could look at Neal's bruised wrists. "Honey…"
"It's all right. I was scared and I resisted at first, so I hurt myself."
Peter shook his head angrily. "They were rough with you and that was uncalled for." He gently kissed Neal's wrists before letting Neal press his palm against the side of his face. Peter leaned into Neal's palm and closed his eyes as Neal's thumb slid over his lips.
"Today's over. Let's put it behind us."
"I can't," Peter whispered. "He… He's hurt you before and it was awful then." Neal remembered and he didn't react to it. He had no intention of letting Kramer get to him. He had nothing to hide. "I'm not going to let him hurt you anymore."
Neal sighed and saw how tense Peter's back was. "My love, lie down on your stomach." Peter opened his eyes and looked up at Neal curiously. "Please?" Sighing quietly, Peter nodded and did as his husband asked, shifting up a little ways on the bed and flipping over to lie on his stomach. He trusts Neal, so he really had no problem with this.
Neal shifted to straddle Peter's waist and gently began to massage his husband's back and shoulders, attempting to soothe the tension he could see very clearly. While Neal's hands were truly working wonders for his tense muscles, Peter couldn't help the fact that his mind was drawn to Neal's erection near his ass. Neal wasn't doing anything sexual and Peter was okay with that. He honestly didn't want to hurt Neal and Neal understood that.
Peter moaned when Neal massaged a kink out of his shoulder blade and Neal smiled a little to himself. "Hon, can I ask you something stupid?"
"Nothing you ask me is stupid," Neal whispered. "I value every word that comes out of your mouth."
The older man was slightly nervous as he considered his question while Neal was massaging him. "What would you think if I asked you to penetrate me someday?" Neal hesitated and Peter wasn't sure how to take that.
"You'd let me?"
Peter was surprised by that response and answered, "Do you…want to?"
Neal leaned forward and pressed gentle kisses against his husband's neck and shoulders. "I wouldn't mind. Have you ever done it like that before?"
"No," Peter admitted. "If I were to allow anyone inside of my body, it would only be you because I trust you." Neal smiled a little before sitting up to continue massaging Peter's back. "I'm afraid of it, but I'm not afraid of you. I honestly want to know how it feels."
"It feels good when you're inside me," Neal whispered. "If you're not afraid of what you'll feel someday, I hope I'll be as good for you as you are for me."
Peter swallowed before asking Neal, "Can you grind yourself against my ass?" Neal raised an eyebrow even though he knew Peter couldn't see his face. "I've felt you against my front. I want to feel you against my back."
After hesitating, Neal shifted and moved into a position that allowed him to rub himself against Peter the way he assumed Peter wanted him to. He planted his hands beside Peter's body and grinded against him as if he were grinding into Peter as Peter did the same to him. He listened to Peter's sounds curiously and could hear how afraid he was after nearly a minute, so he stopped. "Peter?" he whispered concernedly. Peter was trying to get his breathing under control and Neal thought about the issue. "Is your back feeling better?" Peter nodded silently. "Flip over and look at me."
Peter did as Neal asked and felt a little more comfortable now that he was looking up at Neal's face. "You're beautiful."
"As are you," Neal said softly. "I think the problem was that you've always looked at me while making love with me. If we ever switch positions, I want you to know I'm not going to let you turn yourself away from me." Peter reached up and carded his fingers through Neal's hair. "Maybe it'll be easier if you're looking at me. You said you aren't afraid of me, but you weren't looking at me. You calmed down almost immediately when you turned over."
"I guess I didn't consider that."
Neal chuckled and nodded. "You've always made me feel loved by making love to me this way. I want you to feel loved by me."He leaned forward and gently captured his husband's lips, kissing him tenderly until they needed to part long enough to breathe. "I'm not against making love to you, but I want to make sure I convey my love for you the way you do for me. I want you to be as comfortable as you make me." He pecked Peter's lips a few times before whispering, "I'll do whatever I can to make it good for you, Peter. I can't promise that I won't hurt you though." Peter looked horrified for a moment and Neal shook his head, whispering, "I'm not going to abuse your body. You've never had another man inside of you. You're an anal virgin. The way you treated me in Paris is exactly how I'll treat you when I take that virginity from you."
Talking to Neal about this and listening to him talk this way actually made Peter feel more at ease. But this was why he enjoyed being a good lover for Neal. If he were good to Neal, Neal would be inclined to reciprocate. "I'm not looking forward to the pain," he admitted.
"Understandable," Neal whispered, "but it goes away eventually. It definitely hurts the first time, but we'll take it very easy because you're a literal anal virgin." Peter chuckled. He was actually getting hard every time Neal said that. "I'm used to the penetration and the pain doesn't really get to me. For your first time and probably several times thereafter, we'll take it nice and slow to get you adjusted to the feeling."
Peter shivered as he bent his legs at Neal's sides. He really loved how sweetly Neal was talking to him. "Thank you," Peter said softly. "I've been afraid to bring it up because…because you were extremely opposed to it when I brought it up once before."
Neal rubbed his nose against Peter's for a moment before whispering, "I'm stronger now."
"You've always been strong."
"Not this strong," Neal said. "I was a survivor, but I let every little thing bring me down and destroy me." He stared into Peter's eyes as he said, "I'm not letting my past control my present and my future anymore."
Peter kissed his husband passionately. Initially, Peter didn't feel up to doing anything sexual, but that'd changed when Neal was considerably sweet to him. He was turned on by the softness and sincerity of Neal's words. While he wasn't ready to let Neal take him just yet, Neal always welcomed Peter to take him. He paid attention to everything Neal did and tried to consider how he'd react when Neal was inside of him someday.
At least now he knew how Neal felt about it. He was very grateful to have Neal as his husband after listening to how lovingly Neal would take him someday. He genuinely trusts Neal and knew Neal would do everything he possibly could to make the experience wonderful for him.
While holding Neal against him after making love to him, he kissed Neal's forehead and was sincerely thankful for the man beside him. He wouldn't dream about doing any of this with anyone else. Everything he ever did for the first time had to be with Neal—and it was a wonderful feeling, knowing Neal would take care of him and love him the way he has always loved Neal.