Public Facebook wall messages
Santana: yeah right you're not into Brittany, you're so obvious
Tina: I already told you multiple times now she's my do you even care?
Santana: because. brittany is hot and she deserves arm candy that makes her look even hotter and you? totally not getting the job done
Santana: plus one look at your idea of a sexy outfit tells me you're kinda a freak in bed and not in the good way
Tina: I knew it. I knew the real evil you would show up again. Leave me alone Santana. You on't know what you're talking about
Santana: I know you wanna throw her down and do the nasty with her and i know that's just wrong to even contemplate because one hot girl and you together? a Cheerio and a freak? it could be an explosion and not the firework kind, more like an atomic bomb
Tina: I don't want to do anything. I am not trying to be anything but Brittany's friend. Don't get mad at me because you can't have your cake and eat it too
Tina: Leave me alone I'm serious
Santana: I don't eat cake, talk about fat and calories
Santana: that's totally a yes isn't it
Tina: You are just really not getting it. We didn't.. nothing happened! I told you we are friends she isn't interested in me at all so you can stop there is no need to do this
Santana: whatever you say, sucks-in-bed
Tina: I've never done anything in anyone's bed thank you very much. We all can't be lucky enough to sleep with half the students at McKinley. If you picked Rachel, remember that was your choice I ha nothing to do with any of this so just knock it off
Santana: knock off, kinda like every purse you own?
Tina: is that supposed to be insulting? Do I look like a person who cares about name brands? Ooo good one.
Santana: apparently what wasn't a good one was you in bed with Brittany, SNAP
Tina: Again I never slept with Brittany... and again your insults fall short. I think you're loosing it. I think you are getting to desperate to hurt my feelings. Which is pretty sad that you are devoting time to hurting me, when you claim I'm such a loser, not worth your time
Santana: I'm not devoting time to you, I can insult while simultaneously driving, applying makeup, and singing. you ain't making me lose a second, just making things a little more interesting
TIna: Still taking time even if you are doing other things at the same time. I'm not a threat to you when it comes to Brittany. I know who I am and I know who she is. I don't need you constantly throwing it in my face. Worry about your own life and stay out of mine
Santana: presumptuous much? i'm not worried, asian fixation. britt would never want you anywayTina: Not so much me being presumptuous but you being really very transparent. You think I don't know that?
Tina: Don't you have a some souls to capture, Satan. Why are you continuing this?
Santana: have to have something started to continue it, this is way over
Briefly sated, the sharp pain in her chest dulling to an ache after this exchange, Santana curls up on her bed, intending to sleep. But it isn't an hour later before her phone lights up with a text from Rachel.
Rachel: I'll just get straight to the point; why are you bullying Tina? And also I swear that if you take your anger out on her in any way, shape, or form, due this conversation you can forget about any photos or making out or anything of that nature for a good long while, Santana Lopez.
Santana: I'm not bullying her! I've been NICE to her... well I was mostly anyway. for a while
Rachel: Santana...
Santana: it's not BULLYING, jeez. i don't hit her or anything lame like that...jeez, a couple of wall posts that weren't super sweet and you act like it's the end of the world
Santana: i was trying for a while, i just sort of stopped for a while
Rachel: Words hurt too, Santana... Sometimes they hurt the most. Not to mention I'm pretty sure she's still getting slushied.
Rachel: I'm not asking you to be a saint, or even nice. I'm asking you to be civil to the rest of the Glee club. They're our teammates and family, and Tina has never done anything to you to deserve 'Snix'.
Santana: she's all up on people, it's annoying
Santana: she wasn't hurt, she didn't care
Rachel: You know, you used to say and think those exact same things about me.
Santana: well she doesn't. She said so.
Rachel: Of course she did. Why would she ever show you any weakness? Again, I say and do the same thing all the time, especially when you and Quinn were actively bullying me. And sure, most days it just rolled off my back. But other days it just hurt. A lot.
Santana: I don't like her. Anyway she said I'm evil so it's not like she's totally innocent
Rachel: Then ignore her, Santana. Please? I don't know why you suddenly feel the need to target her, but I know you're better than that. You're a good person, Santana. Even if you don't let anyone see it most of the time.
Santana: you can't ignore someone who's ALL OVER THE PLACE
Santana: dammit whatever. I'll not talk to her or whatever, fine
Rachel: Stop. You don't have to say a word to her if you don't want, that's the point of ignoring someone. I won't even tell you to apologize because I know you won't mean it. The whole reason I bring this is up is because you know how I feel about this, and it's upsetting to know that you still attack people for no reason, despite that knowledge.
Santana: I have a reason...I don't like her
Santana: but I'll stop, okay? If you get all upset over it I'll stop
Santana: even if it sucks
Rachel: Thank you, Santana. I appreciate that a lot.
Rachel: What is your reason, though? For going after her in the first place.
Santana: Because. I don't like her. She's it's hard to be nice all the time. And flashes her shit all around.
Rachel: Um... I really can't see Tina being that sexual or flirting with you... She knows you're taken, for one, and unless all this meanness is actually sexual tension I'm quite sure she has zero interest in you and vice-versa?
Santana: ...she isn't interested in me!
Santana: god i hope not anyway
Santana: no way am i into her either
Santana: you're just gonna get mad so let's just drop it
Rachel: It's about Brittany isn't it? You only use that excuse if it's something that has to do with Brittany.
Santana: have you ever thought about dying your hair? you'd look awesome with red streak
Rachel: Santana, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. Your choice.
Santana: what are you talking about?
Rachel: The hard way it is then.
Santana: no, really, what are you talking about? what hard way?
Rachel: [ignores]
S: What are you talking about?
S: is THIS what you're talking about? you're ignoring me?
S: WHY?
Rachel: [ignores]
S: Okay this is stupid! I'll ignore you too then. Fine, IGNORE
S: (five minutes later) Just stop it already, why do you even care?
Rachel: Because you clearly are bothered by something and you don't trust me enough to just be honest about it.
Santana: you always get mad at me!
Rachel: I might get upset, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't communicate with because I might get angry or upset doesn't mean I don't love you and want to help...
Santana: but we said we weren't gonna talk about it
Rachel: I don't recall ever agreeing to that.
S: why do you want to know everything about everything?
Rachel: Why do you hide everything about everything from me?
Santana: I don't. just the stuff that will make you mad and just SOMETIMES
Rachel: ...Yeah... Alright... I'll talk to you later, Santana...
Santana: If I tell you everything all the time you'd never talk to me, ever! See! You don't even when I don't tell you!
Rachel: Honesty and trust are EVERYTHING to me, Santana. Absolutely everything. You don't trust me, and sometimes you aren't honest with me. So yes. That upsets it. It upsets me more than anything you could say about Brittany ever could.
Santana: I do trust you. I just don't like to make you mad at me but obviously it never works... you REALLY want me to say?
Rachel: Santana, we periodically get mad at each other on a regular basis. It's part of our yes. I do.
Santana: well i'm sick of people always mad at me
Santana: ok fine then. I don't like tina bc she's all of a sudden all over brittany like they're best friends and brittany lets her tutor her and brittany sings with her and she has her spend the night and when i texted brittany the other night and i really needed her she had tina over so she couldn't come and she tells her how awesome she is and she talks about eating pizza and hugging her and she wants me to be nice to tina and wasn't nice to you because she didn't think i was nice enough to tina. she's totally replacing me and making brittany happy and it's not fair. okay? happy now? I bet not. I bet you're pissed.
Rachel: I'm not 'pissed', Santana. But I do think you should sit down and have an actual conversation with Brittany about this. Honestly, there's no way she'd ever replace you at all. And Tina would never try. That's almost like saying that you replaced Brittany with me, and you know that isn't the case. Even though Brittany may or may not feel otherwise... Which only serves to strengthen my point that you two need to talk about this openly.
Santana: But she already is. She does all this stuff with Tina and not with me
Rachel: Santana... you're usually with me... You know that, right...?
Santana: not this week...and she doesn't even ask... and then it's all over tumblr
Rachel: Talk to her, Santana. Nothing will get better if you don't say anything about it.
Santana: It's not gonna matter. I shouldn't have to talk to her
Rachel: You know, that still doesn't translate to you having the right to bring Tina into this like you are. If you want to be frustrated with someone, be frustrated with the person actually hurting you...
Rachel: That said, if you won't talk to her, then I don't know what else to tel you. Thank you for being honest with me, though.
Santana: it's Tina hurting me because she's doing it. Is Brittany being nice to you?
Rachel: I highly doubt Tina has any idea of what's going on.
Rachel: We agreed to meet for lunch. Which, that reminds me, I am indeed supposed to inform you that she is being 'super nice and considerate' to me.
Santana: she knows exactly what's going on. she said as much. she said i'm trying to have my cake and eat it too which is NOT TRUE
Santana: oh. um, good, I guess? I take it that's a direct quote
Rachel: Yes, it is. And, well. It's something. I wish she was being nice because she wanted to and not because you're making her, but I suppose I shouldn't be picky. The list of people that are actively nice to me is short enough as is. No use making it shorter with details.
Santana: like you're making me be nice to tina, like that?
Rachel: I'm not making you do anything, Santana. I'm asking you to not bully her and to just ignore her. Would I like you to at least be civil with her? Yes. But There's no point in asking that of you when I know you don't care nor will it be sincere. Much like why I didn't ask you to apologize. That's something you have to honestly want to do. And if you don't, I can't, and won't, force it out of you. That's not fair to me, you, nor Tina.
Santana: oh...whatever then...you're mad though right?
Rachel: No. I already told you I wasn't mad.
S: Oh...okay.
Rachel: ...Um... Do you want me to be mad?
Santana: no, why would I? I just sort of can't believe you're not I guess
Rachel: Brittany's an important part of your life. While I've no experience to properly empathize with the feeling of losing your best friend, as I'd also be losing my girlfriend at the same time which is different, I imagine it's a terrible feeling. But honestly, I don't think you're losing her. You both are just getting your wires crossed a , I wasn't lying when I said that I trust you. And you've proven time and time again that you love me, and are in love with me.
Santana: I think I am though. Losing her... she wouldn't ask me over when I really really needed her to...and it was because of Tina.
Rachel: Did you tell her you needed her?
Santana: yes...she said tina was over so she couldn't see me.
Santana: she picked her over me
Rachel: I'm sorry... That's not Tina's fault, for the record, but I'm sorry Brittany did that to you.
Santana: i could have done stuff and she still picked her
Santana: she likes her better now, or she's gonna soon
Rachel: Then... Maybe you two should spend more time together. I mean, you haven't really hung out since... well... Since we started dating. And I'm pretty sure that's my fault. I don't want you to lose your best friend. And I don't think you should give up.
Santana: i guess. I mean we have some. i guess we need to more though
Rachel: Alright... well... You should get a hold of her soon then. Maybe plan a sleepover, or something. I'll just make plans with my fathers to keep myself occupied.
Santana: okay...Rachel...thanks
Rachel: For what?
Santana: not bursting into tears and telling me I shouldn't care what Brittany does or something, Idk
Rachel: While I am a naturally dramatic person, you have enough things to deal with as is. You don't need your girlfriend causing you problems as well.
Santana: ok are you giving me the "you gotta tell me stuff but I won't tell you stuff" speech now?
Rachel: Um... What?
Santana: you don't really tell me a lot about what's going on in your life, you know
Rachel: What? Of course I do. I always make sure you know my exact schedule at all times.
Santana: Rachel, don't play clueless, I get that you're oblivious to a lot but it's usually like, sex and social cues. You know what I mean. You never tell me about your ISSUES unless it happens to be "you hurt my feelings Santana Lopez"
Rachel: I am not there's nothing to be said. Everything is fine.
Santana: Okay, not oblivious. Does "blind to neon flashing lights spelling out the obvious" when it comes to sex and social cues work better?
Santana: Well you just said a second ago I didn't need you adding to my problems so that implies you have a problem to be added
Rachel: I am perfectly educated on the both subject matters, thank you very much. and I simply meant that you shouldn't have to worry about me when you already have a lot on your plate. It was a generalized statement.
Santana: Rach, the fact that you just said you're "perfectly educated" on the subject matter of social cues is a pretty huge indicator that you're totally not, right there.
Santana: Rachel Berry. You're my girlfriend. Worry is a given. it doesn't matter if my plate is the size of Africa and containing all the crappy American food the starving masses don't have, you and your issues are gonna be on it.
Rachel: :( I'm not sure how you managed to be both incredibly insulting and sweet at the same time, but you did. I'm fine, though, Santana. Really. I mean, when have I ever not been obvious about how I feel about something? Everyone knows I wear my heart on my sleeve, so to speak.
Santana: Idk. Kinda seems like you hold back and want me to shovel around looking sometimes. Like to prove a point or test me or something
Rachel: That's incredibly manipulative and would never be a motivating factor in what I do or do not tell you.
Santana: ok well whatever, I still think you do it for SOME reason
Rachel: As I said, don't worry about me. Your current problems are much more important than anything I could possibly have going on, assuming there was something going on at all.
Santana: Rachel, it's not a competition or a ranking system, is everything about scales and contests for you?
Rachel: Well, no, but priorities are important, and there are various things that simply aren't worth mentioning at times.
Santana: Rachel.
Rachel: Yes?
Santana: if it's an issue for you, it's worth mentioning. Okay?
Rachel: It's fine... Really. Nothing out of the norm or anything particularly worthwhile. Focus on fixing your relationship with Brittany, okay? That should be your number one priority.
S: I will. Still. Your idea of "norm" and mine? Probably miles apart.
Rachel: Um... how so?
Santana: Like, it's normal for people to call you names. That's brand new for me unless the name happens to be Satan or whore. It's normal for people to have slushied you, that was new for me. It's normal for you to wake at 4 am just to bruise your throat up singing at the top of your lungs, but it's normal for me to wake up at 5 so I can run until I can barely move. It's normal for you to eat nasty shit that doesn't have meat but it's normal for me to just skip the eating thing at all. Different normals. But that doesn't mean your normal IS normal.
Rachel: Please tell me you've been eating at least a little more lately... And I'd never injure my throat. That would be counter-productive.
Santana: that's not the point and not what I asked, is it?
Rachel: Your health is very important to me Santana :(
Santana: my health is fine. Stop changing the subject.
Rachel: I'm not. You asked something about my issues and I said I didn't have any worth speaking of.
Santana: and that would be a bs reply, yeah?
Rachel: No. That's an honest reply.
Santana: easy way or hard way, Rach?
Rachel: Santana don't be absurd. I answered your question. Everything is as it usually is in the life of Rachel Berry. There's nothing that needs talking about.
Santana: (ignored)
Rachel: Santana?
Rachel: Santana seriously.[ten minutes later]
Rachel: I can't believe this. Are you actually going to do this?[five minutes later]
Rachel: You can't ignore me forever you know. We see each other in school![20 minutes later]
Rachel: Santana...
Rachel: There's nothing... It's not important, okay? It really isn't. And there's nothing you can do about it anyway.[ten minutes later]
Rachel: Please stop... Please...
Santana: you gonna tell me?
Rachel: What do you want me to say, Santana?
Rachel: That I'm so pathetic that my best friend - my only real friend - is also my girlfriend? That no matter what I do it's never right and people always seem to just hate me more and as much as I act like it doesn't bother me sometimes it really does?
Rachel: Or maybe that I feel like a loser because I know that, no matter what you say, eventually you and Brittany will fix your relationship, and Quinn will always have your back, and I don't have anyone but myself and my fathers. You'll start hanging out with your friends again and I'll just... stay at home. And I don't want you to NOT have friends. I care about you so, so much and I truly want you and Brittany and Quinn to be friends again but... I just
Rachel: You're right? Okay. You're right. I'm terrible at a lot of social cues and I have no idea how to act in a casual setting that doesn't involve music somehow. It's the only thing I know I'm good at, and the only thing people ever need me around for. It's why Glee tolerates me, why anyone but you or my fathers talk to me at all.
Rachel: So fine. Yes. I'm lonely and pathetic and I wish I knew what was wrong with me. Or at least why I'm not good enough for people to like.
Rachel: But I don't, and I'm not. And there's really nothing you can do about that. You can't make people like me, Santana... And that includes Brittany.
Rachel: At least she's pretending, though. And even though I know it's just because you told her to, I mean, that's SOMETHING, right?
Rachel: If I try hard enough and don't think about it too much I can sometimes convince myself that she's spending time with me because she actually wants to. And that's good enough. It has to be.
Santana: ...this is your idea of nothing?
Santana: Rachel...I didn't know you felt like that.
Santana: you're not pathetic. Okay? and people don't really hate you. they just don't get you. you're not the world's easiest to understand. they don't get you adn don't know you.
S: People in Glee like you. Tina does, and Kurt and Mercedes and them. Way, way, way more than they like me. If you would just chill out and ask them to do things and be around them more, show them you how you are outside Glee, they'd see it more and they'd like you more.
S: people have to get used to you slowly, that's all. and you need to work on the social thing. which means you have to get out more and do social stuff and learn about it. which I can totally help you with. just like i did with the clothes
S: not because i'm trying to change you or whatever, but because you're unhappy. ok?
S: jeez, Rachel, at least people will actually like you if they know you. you think anyone really likes me? Hell, even Glee hates me. The only people who really like me at all are you and Quinn and Brittany. And that's questionable with Quinn half the time. It's just the social thing, it's not YOU.
Rachel: No one in Glee likes me, Santana. They need me, that's it. They know that without me the whole club would completely fall apart, even if they won't admit it. Like I said, I'm tolerated for my talent and knowledge of organization and music.
Rachel: Besides... People would like you, too, if you they really got to know you. You don't realize it, but you're easy to like, and easy to fall in love with. You have a terrible attitude sometimes, but you're incredibly passionate, and protective, and caring. You just don't let anyone see that side of you.
Rachel: I don't even have the excuse of pushing people away like you do. I could go to a party and everyone would ask why "Manhands Berry" is there, or "Who let the tranny in". I could dress in the most fashionable way possible, but the second I spoke they'd tell me shut up and that I'm "more cool when I don't talk", or something.
Rachel: So, as much as I'd like to be believe you, I know it's me. I know there's something wrong with me, or simply something about me that makes people unable to stand being around me unless they need me a specific person, or because they HAVE to be around me.
Santana: ...get on the phone because my hands won't even be able to peck out all I gotta say
Calls
Rachel: [sighs heavily, biting her lip before pressing the 'Call' button on Santana's name]
Santana: (not even waiting to say hello) First off, bullshit. They like you a hell of a lot better than they'll ever like me. They make fun of you but they respect you and yes they LIKE YOU. Now anyway. No, they do not like me, not that I care, but they don't and never will and that's just how it is. You're hard to get to know and all your unsocial crap gets in the way but you still have this thing where once people get over how totally annoying you can be it's actually sort of cute. Okay? It's not you. The party thing is because it's years of habit and they don't know you, not because of who you actually are. You're awesome and funny even if you don't mean to be most of the time, and you are loyal and care like crazy even if it's over all the stuff people wish you wouldn't. And you're gorgeous and they're all jealous. Okay? Just accept it. Now.
Rachel: [sniffles] You're insane to think people could never like you, Santana Lopez. You're possibly the sweetest and most incredibly human being I know. Thank you... I don't... I'll try, okay? To believe you.
Santana: See this is where the crazy Rachel part comes in though, thinking I'm sweet. Wanky. Stop crying. You are not allowed to cry and you're not allowed not to believe me. Santana Lopez tells no lies. Well unless it's funny or benefits me in some way which is, sorta often, but whatevs.
Rachel: You are sweet. At least with the people you care about, in your own way. [sniffles again] And I can't help it. I'm very emotional right now and I have a lot of feelings and you did that thing where you remind me why I love you so much. [wipes her eyes]
Santana: I could remind you a lot better with my hands and lips, carina. Listen. I don't date people who aren't awesome. Anymore.
Rachel: [watery laugh] Well you do seem to be a lot more hands on... And you know you're allowed over whenever, Santana. Also, I want to sing something to you. I'm not sure what, yet. But I just really want to sing for you.
Santana: Go for it. I've got ears.
(Texts the next day)
Santana: Britt...I wanna hang out more. Okay? Also...I wish you would've let me come over the other night when I felt bad...
Brittany: Yeah, we can do that. I know and I'm sorry. You know that if Tina wasn't there I would've let you come over immediately, but we'd been planning the sleepover all week. And if you wanted to I would've let you come over the next day.
Santana: I know but you picked her over me.
Brittany: Was I supposed to tell Tina to leave or something?
Santana: Yes….maybe. Or at least have me come over too or…I don't know. Never mind. This is lame.
Brittany: It's not lame, Santana. Do you really think I'm picking Tina over you?
Santana: Well, yeah. Obviously.
Brittany: And why would you even think that? You're my best friend.
Santana: because I needed you and you were with her. and anything could have happened but you were just with her instead. and you spend more time with her now and you have all these jokes and you give her hugs and you told Asian fantasy that I'm being weird.
Santana: Right out where everyone could see.
Santana: you're mad at me, aren't you? even though you're saying you're my best friend. Are you not telling the truth? do you not want to be my friend anymore?
Brittany: 1) Don't call her names. 2) You are being really weird. I'm not mad at you, should I have a reason to be? Because right now I can't think of any.
Brittany: Why do you think I wouldn't want to be? Do you not want to be my friend anymore?
Santana: I am not being weird. It's not weird that I don't like you calling me weird for everyone to see and doing it to TINA
Santana: you're acting like you're mad at me. you called me weird in front of everyone and you're supposed to be my best friend, if they see you think i'm weird they'll think you don't like me and you're like the ONLY PERSON other than Rachel who likes me and if you don't like me then that's ALL and then what am I supposed to do, then if you don't like me Quinn won't and then you'll both take my place in Cheerios and I'm already on the bottom and Sue's already mad over Rachel
Santana: I want to be your friend but you're not acting like you want to be my friend and you're not telling me what's going on and you didn't let me come over and you're with tina all the time telling her i'm weird!
Brittany: You're not weird, you're acting weird right now... you're acting crazy. You think that I hate you and don't want to be your friend anymore and I'm choosing Tina over you. None of those are true.
Brittany: I swear on LT I'm not mad at you! I don't have anything going on. And I'm with Tina all the time because you're always with Rachel, okay? You have a girlfriend now and it's taking up all your time, so..
Santana: I'm not acting crazy!
Santana: it's not taking up all my time, I can change my time but you don't even say and you don't even ask and it's like you don't even want my time because you have tina and you don't care because she's your new best friend and she's nicer than me and she doesn't have a girlfriend and she's even bi so she's probably making moves sinking her stupid overly pained asian fingernails into you and you just don't see it because you're too busy closing your eyes when you hug her
Santana: i'm not weird, i'm not crazy!
Brittany: What do you call it then? I've never seen you act like this before.
Brittany: It works both ways Santana. Even before the Tina thing you weren't asking to hang out with me and I didn't want to ask because I figured you'd reject me to hang out with her.
Brittany: ...Wait Tina's bi? How do you know? Why do you have to be so mean when it comes to her? You're not mean to all my other friends... you are but not this bad.
Santana: I AM NOT CRAZY
Santana: NO I would not. You're my best friend, I don't reject you, I wanna hang out with you and I want to do stuff and I NEED YOU and you don't need me anymore, I took care of you when you were sick and I came over and we cuddled and you don't even remember, Tina made you forget
Santana: she sang I kissed a girl and she's Asian with weird hair, of course she's bi
Santana: because you like her better than me! she's making you not like me or want to be with me anymore!
Brittany: I've needed you since we were little and I still need you now. And I remember most of it, some of it was forgotten because of medicines, not Tina.
Brittany: That doesn't mean anything. That song is catchy and her hair is cute. It's.. different with Tina, but that doesn't mean I like her more than you. She's not making me not like you, I'll always like you.
Santana: you think I'm weird and crazy You said that.
Brittany: Without getting angry, can we agree that you were acting different? I just couldn't think of any other way to explain it.
Brittany: Do you forgive me or do you hate me now?
S: (ignores)
88
Rachel was being way cooler about the Brittany thing than Santana had expected. After all, Santana knew for a fact if Rachel was upset over Finn doing, well, anything, she would get really jealous, really fast. She had expected no less from Rachel. But her girlfriend was obviously cooler than she was in some ways, because she had not only taken the Brittany issue in stride, accepting Santana's hurt and jealousy towards Tina, but even encouraging her to work things out with Brittany. Rachel was being the bigger person over it, and Santana did appreciate it.
She tried, when she was around Rachel, not to mention Brittany at all, or even to think about her. That was what seemed fair to Rachel, after all. And normally she could manage it well. But this particular night, she made the mistake of checking her texts and tumblr when Rachel was in the kitchen- undoubtedly preparing what she would declare to be healthy and delicious snacks for herself that she just happened to lay around like Santana might be tempted to have them, that is, if she didn't force them down her outright. And this casual time killing activity was what made any efforts of not thinking of Brittany immediately shoot downhill and then some.
On her tumblr dashboard, there it was, plain and clear. It was bad enough that Brittany and Tina were gushing back and forth to each other, obviously having a ball together, just like they seemed to be every single day lately. But there in black of and white, for the world to see, Brittany had said it. She had called Santana weird. Publicly. Not in a good way. To Tina Cohen-Chang, of all people.
To Santana, this was no casual comment .This was a deep betrayal. She, Santana Lopez, was not publicly insulted by anyone without them getting retaliated against…and for her best friend, for BRITTANY to do so? Brittany, who rarely insulted anyone on her very own without someone guiding her towards it? What would that say to people? What did that say to Santana?
Even before she started hunching over her phone, furiously texting away, Santana's throat was already tight, her eyes growing hot with a combination of anger, fear, and hurt. As the exchanges between them continued, with Brittany reiterating that she thought Santana was being "weird" and crazy," she grew progressively more agitated until she was shaking.
If Brittany didn't like her anymore, that meant she no longer had a best friend…no longer had BRITTANY as a best friend. And if Brittany, who liked pretty much everyone but Rachel and wouldn't tolerate anyone bullying anymore, no longer liked Santana and said bad things about her, what message would that send the rest of the school? Then not only would no one like her, they would have Brittany as a leader against her and they would probably overthrow the carefully set rules and boundaries the unholy Trinity had set up long ago to protect them from the wrath of the student body at large. Santana would not just be disliked, she would be UNPOPULAR and disliked and also GAY and also DATING RACHEL BERRY while IN THE GLEE CLUB. How could she possibly get through that much against her in the eyes of the other kids?
Humming as she carried the tray of carrots, dip, and celery up the stairs, Rachel was feeling pretty good, all things considered. Santana had been honest with her, and hadn't called her stupid for voicing her own fears, and she liked to think that she had managed the whole ordeal rather well.
Her therapist would certainly be proud.
All but skipping into the room with a bright smile on her face, the light in her eyes dimmed considerably as she saw the Latina hunched over, texting rapidly, and looking… A lot more upset than she had been all of ten minutes ago…
Setting the tray down on her desk carefully, biting her lip, Rachel carefully approached Santana, brows furrowed with worry. "Santana…? Are you…" She changed her wording quickly, realizing that obviously her girlfriend was anything but okay. "What's wrong?"
Rachel looked over the girl's shoulder, managing to catch bits and pieces of the texting, and immediately sat down on the bed next Santana, placing her hand the girl's shoulder. She didn't know what to say- had no words for this sort of situation. She never had a best friend, which meant no drama with them, which meant this was a scenario that she was completely unprepared for.
What Rachel did know, however, was that there was a certain amount of tension building up inside of her because of Brittany. But instead of jealousy, it was just anger.
Brittany was, apparently, starting to really upset and hurt Santana, and that wasn't something Rachel could just let slide.
Santana noticed when Rachel came in and sat beside her, but didn't look up or acknowledge her. Her throat was so tight that she knew if she spoke her voice would crack, and if she looked at Rachel and saw concern in her face, it was very likely she would burst into tears. Keeping her eyes fixed on the screen of her phone, she continued texting, noticing when Rachel sat next to her and touched her, but still not yet responding to it. When she finally threw the phone down on the bed, her hands moving to grip her knees, head bowed, she is still fighting back her feelings, not yet able to think of a response for Rachel.
She couldn't explain this either and Rachel didn't need her to, even if she did understand. How would that be fair?
Unsure of how to proceed, and not wanting to set Santana off, but also not wanting her to think that Rachel didn't care, it took several seconds for Rachel to work up the courage, but then she slowly wrapped her arms around the cheerleader, drawing her in for a loose hug. She figured that if Santana wanted to pull away, she could.
Though she desperately hoped that she didn't.
She swallowed tightly, trying to reign in her own emotions. She needed to focus on Santana, not herself or how she felt about this right now.
"You know I love you, right?" It was a loaded question, filled so many little things left unsaid; Rachel loved Santana, despite how angry she was sometimes, or how rude she could, how harsh her words came out at times. She loved her, so much, and even when she was angry or hurt by Santana, she was starting to realize that that love never went away. If anything, for every fight they got through, Rachel was pretty sure she fell in love a little more.
It was so damn hard not to cry.
The minute Rachel wrapped her arms around her, not in a suffocating sort of way that would make Santana want to shrug her off, but instead a gentle, comforting way, a way that made her feel only that she was there with her, that she cared, it was very, very hard for Santana to keep holding back tears. She could feel them tensing up her jaw and pricking at her eyes, the sudden heat in her cheeks and eyes and even up her nose, and she didn't lean back or move her arms to hug Rachel back. Hearing Rachel's question, she nodded. Yeah, she did know that. Sometimes it seemed like Rachel Berry was the only person who did love her, the only person in all the world.
Nodding back, not letting go but not tightening her hold either, Rachel laid her head on Santana's shoulder, continuing to speak quietly. "Good…" She took a deep breath then.
"I know it's not the same, and that I'm your girlfriend, not your best friend, but… But that doesn't mean that…" Sighing, frustrated with her lack of words, she tried again. "What I mean to say is, you are a wonderful, beautiful person, who deserves every ounce of love you get, and no amount of cruelty. I… I honestly didn't really see what was said, and I won't ask you to tell me, but whatever Brittany said to upset you… She's wrong. You're not perfect, but you are good. And you have a lot of issues, but you're strong. The strongest person in this whole stupid town."
Rachel knew that it wasn't the same, to be told any of these things by a significant other. She understood that Brittany, no matter what, meant the world to Santana, as did her opinions, and there wasn't much Rachel could ever do to change that. But she still needed to say it; had to let Santana know.
"And… And I'm really sorry she's not being the best friend you deserve to have…"
There was no possible way she could hold it back anymore, not after that.
Somewhere around the time Rachel said she was a "wonderful, beautiful person," the tears exploded out, and Santana sobbed aloud, moving one hand to cover her face as her other hand went instinctively to her stomach, balling into a fist and pressing hard into her abdomen. She remained hunched over for a few seconds, her hair falling forward to brush her legs, before she turned in Rachel's hold, arms grasping hold of her as she hid her face in Rachel's shoulder. She feels awful for reacting like this, guilty and weak and wrong, like she's being incredibly unfair to her, but she feels so bad in the moment and Rachel is there, Rachel is saying all the things that she needs to hear and is trying to believe, and she can't seem to make herself pull back and draw back in for Rachel's sake.
For a minute or two she remains against her, trying to calm down, and eventually, still not yet drawing back, she manages, "She thinks I'm weird and crazy…she kept saying that and she put it where everyone can see. She isn't going to like me anymore. She put that where EVERYONE can see."
Rachel held Santana tighter as the girl fell apart in her arms, adjusting them as best she could on the bed so that she could hug Santana easier, and trying to keep her own tears from welling up behind her eyes.
A lot of things made Rachel cry, but she was pretty sure that only Santana Lopez could make her heart break like this.
She kissed the side of Santana's head, rocking them back and forth slowly, and holding her girlfriend just a little bit tighter. She had to, otherwise she felt like she'd end up calling Brittany in that very moment and letting lose a very passionate and very vocal Rachel Berry rant.
Instead, with another shaking breath, she replied, "The only crazy one is her then, Santana. You are not crazy. You're going more than any teenager should ever have to and being so strong and working so hard to balance your life right now." She kissed Santana's temple again. "As for 'everyone'. They're idiots. You know that. And no matter they'll always fear you. Just the other day you gave one of the basketball players a black eye because he slapped your ass, remember? Every time someone thinks you're an easy target you show them otherwise. And if anything happens I know you'll do it again. And I'll always have your back. I know you think I'm tiny and I admit that I abhor violence and couldn't throw a punch to save my life, but I'm really good at talking, and I've made more than a few people walk away simply because they wanted to stop listening to me."
Despite her attempts at trying to ease some of the tension, Rachel was perfectly serious. If anyone tried messing with Santana, they wouldn't just have 'Snix' to deal with.
Tuning in Rachel's words sporadically as she sniffled against her shoulder, trying to stem further crying, Santana did manage to catch the majority of what she was telling her. She let the other girl rock her, keeping her arms tight around her, as though Rachel could somehow anchor her as she could not for herself in the moment.
She tried to believe what Rachel said, about not being crazy, about being strong. And when Rachel reminded her of Luke's black eye, a small smile flickered over her lips. She nodded against her, the smile returning again when Rachel mentioned how she could make people leave her alone simply talking. Actually that was all too true.
"You could tell them about classical musicians," she muttered, "or you could just recite the periodic table or something…that would do it…"
Smiling a little against Santana's cheek, Rachel replied, "I don't actually know the whole Periodic Table, but if it meant helping you I'd memorize the whole thing and put a tune to it just so that I could sing it loudly any time someone tried talking smack about you."
Really, there wasn't much that Rachel wouldn't do for Santana anymore. Off hand, barring illegal acts, she couldn't think of anything. And technically she had already broken into someone's pool for the cheerleader, so…
"If all else fails I can start quoting from Barbra Streisand's bibliography. The sheaple of McKinley High could use a little culture in their lives anyway." Bringing one of her hands up, she gently moved Santana's hair out of her face, prompting the girl to look up. She unwrapped her arms from her, pressing her hands to Santana's cheeks and wiping away the tears with the pads of her thumbs, then she leaned in to press a soft kiss to her lips, before pulling back a few inches.
"I love you. All of you. I even love Snix. Despite that sometimes she's really scary," spoke Rachel, giving Santana a small, teasing smile.
"That's surprising…I thought you thought you knew everything," Santana mumbled. She took in a slow breath, released it, slightly stirring Rachel's hair. Her small smile emerged again, even with faint laugh at Rachel's declaration of reciting the Streisand biography. She could totally see this happening, and it would be hysterical.
Letting Rachel wipe her face, gently kissing her back, she sniffled again, shrugging her hair back over her shoulders as she looked back at Rachel, half sitting on her lap. "I know you love Snix. You talk about her way more than I do. You probably hope she kicks me out of bed one night and has r naughty way with you."
Blushing hotly despite herself, unable to stop the sudden wave of rather… explicit mental imagery, Rachel let her hands drop from Santana's face and looked down, clearing her throat and shifting awkwardly under the Cheerio.
"Ahem. Yes. Well." She stuttered over her words a bit, knowing exactly how absurd it was for her brain to short-circuit so easily, and especially after Santana had just a break down due to her best friend. "That's not the point here. And I can't be blamed for the fact that you're… incredibly sexy when you get angry like that. Well, I mean, when it's not aimed at me at least."
She cleared her throat again, still unable to make eye contact with her girlfriend. "There's something… very primal and attractive about you being able to layout a young man twice your weight. Or needing to be held back by several young men also twice your weight when you 'unleash Snix' as you say."
Was her face still red? Rachel was sure her face still red.
And this was completely inappropriate. Not to mention she was very much against violence so really the idea of Santana fighting at all should not have made her as hot as it did.
Her body truly had the worst timing in the world.
Noticing and amused by Rachel's embarrassment, Santana capitalized on it. Leaning her head back into Rachel's shoulder, she shifted herself so she was fully sitting on her lap, putting most of her weight into leaning back into her. Arching her back, she turned to whisper in her ear, close enough so her lips touched her skin, as her hand crept up her neck, stroking it lightly.
"Imagine what Snix could do to you, senorita."
Well this was one way to try to distract herself.
With a strangled whimper, Rachel could practically feel the heat going from her face down to her neck. She was most definitely imagining, and the look in Santana's eyes, the husk of her voice and the feel of fingers and lips running along her pulse, made her shiver.
"Th- this is incredibly inappropriate right now," she managed to choke out, hands going awkwardly to Santana's hips, not quite sure where to touch or be as she tried to hide how much Santana effected her.
It was mostly a lost cause, given that even on a normal day Santana just had to wink and smirk at her in the hallways and she'd be blushing.
"Why is it inappropriate? You're my girlfriend and I'm on your lap with my lips touching you…I think it's totally, incredibly appropriate," Santana countered, lightly kissing Rachel's ear, then nipping its lobe. Pulling back a little, she covered Rachel's hands on her hips, guiding them down lower and forward.
Yeah this was definitely the best way to distract herself. Never mind that her glowing phone is still a foot away with Brittany's name lit up on it or that her eyes are red, her nose tinged pink. It's not like she can see it and she's totally, totally ready to throw herself into making out with abandon. Totally.
Rachel bit her lip, tensing her arms to stop Santana form moving her hands more. "San-" She never thought she'd be the one saying this, but, "Are you sure? Because you were really, really upset a moment ago, and my physical reactions aside, I'll be perfectly okay if you'd like to just cuddle or watch a movie or something."
Wrapping her arms around Santana's waist, though it was a big awkward since their differences in size were made more evident with the cheerleader on her lap, Rachel kissed her shoulder. "If making out is what you need, then I am definitely not going to stop you. But if you just want to cuddle, or tease me about Broadway, we can do that, too. Whatever you want, Santana. It's your choice."
Of course the obvious response was she was going to make out with Rachel. She'd be stupid to say otherwise. Of COURSE she was going to make out with her, that was totally what she wanted.
And yet. Somehow it felt almost forced, like she was trying more than feeling. And in the end Santana pulled back, exhaling.
"How do you just know things?" she muttered, still in her lap, even as she wrapped her arm around Rachel's shoulders, pillowing her head on her shoulder. "Sorry."
Rachel leaned back, rolling them onto their sides so that she could press herself up against Santana and they could hold each other more comfortably. She pecked Santana's nose softly, moving the black hair that had fallen in the girl's face over her shoulder. "I'm a little bit psychic, remember?" she teased softly in reply.
"And… well… I know that, if I had a best friend to lose, and felt like I was losing them, I'd want to be held and told that things were going to be okay. Even if I didn't believe the person telling me that, I'd want to hear it, you know? I'd want someone to say all the things that my mind wasn't." She shifted as close she could to her girlfriend and began running her hand through her hair, sighing quietly. "And I know that you'd do all that for me, in your wonderful Santana-like way. So I'm doing the same, in my special, Rachel-like way."
Santana overlapped her leg with Rachel's, wrapping her arms back around her and moving in close. She smiles a little when Rachel kisses her nose, a little embarrassed because it's somewhat stuffy, and listens to her talk, taking some comfort in her words and touch. Rachel was right, that she did want this. She did feel this. And it felt so nice for Rachel to be stroking her hair, telling her these things. Maybe she didn't quite believe, but she almost could.
"I like having a smart girlfriend," she said softly, one hand splaying across her back. "You're awesome."
Smiling, enjoying the weight and heat of Santana's body against her own, Rachel giggled a little. "I like having a badass girlfriend, so it evens out, right? And remember? You don't date losers anymore. So of course I'm awesome."
She leaned in to softly press her lips against Santana's known, for no reason other than because she wanted the physical connection for a moment. Then Rachel pulled back, only a few inches, her nose and Santana's nose almost, but not quite, touching. "Really, between the two of us, I think we can handle anything this stupid town tries to throw at us. I'm sure of it, and Rachel Berry is never wrong. Not about these things."
"I never DATED losers," Santana clarified, shrugging one shoulder. "I just sort of did stuff with them. Sex isn't dating."
Smiling into Rachel's kiss, she kisses back, somewhat cross-eyed and not understanding why she is staying so close to her without looking away or moving in. Giving a faint chuckle, she nods, moving her face back so there is some distance between. "Yeah. Totally. Take on the world."
Still. If she takes on the world but loses Brittany, is she really winning at all?
"We'll figure it out, alright? I'll help you however I can with Brittany, and everything will be okay. I promise. Rachel Berry also never breaks a promise."
She yawned then, turning her head to see the time. It was only 7pm, so they had some time together still. Turning back to Santana, Rachel settled into her, closing her eyes and moving to get as much of the girl's body heat as possible. "Let's just relax for awhile though, okay? Important thing can happen tomorrow. For now, just lay with me."
Nodding, taking in and then letting out several slow breaths, Santana half closed her eyes,cuddling in close and breathing in Rachel's scent against her. She felt her breathing begin to settle into a rhythm, and she listened to Rachel's breathing, her heartbeat, and began to feel just a little better as a result.
She was with Rachel, and Rachel loved her, if not anyone else. Rachel was there and always would be. She was sure of that much.