Unbreakable
The middle of a war is not the best time for one boy to discover that he is not unbreakable. Sequel to 'Starlight, Star Bright'.
Chapter 37: Sanity
A/N: Hi :D Well, I am back, with a new chapter. This one is...sad, I guess? At the end more than anything. It's just kind of a gentle, angsty transition from one plot point to the next, so there may not be a whole lot of action for the next couple chapters or so? Like things will be happening that are important to the plot but nothing big happens until chapter...I dunno. 39, maybe? That seems too soon. Meh, I'll figure it out later. I do not own the idea of Wanderers, or Wanderers' language, just the words used in place of English words.
I was right. Astrid was mad at me for letting her sleep. The first thing she did was grab my collar to hold me still, I presumed, and punch me on the uninjured shoulder.
"How long was I asleep?" she asked casually, and as if nothing had happened, releasing me and plopping down cross-legged on the floor beside me.
I scowled at her, rubbing at the offending area, which was probably going to bruise. "I don't know. A couple hours? Five, maybe." I myself stifled a huge yawn when I spoke, stretching a little as I finally moved from my rather stiff position against Toothless' back. Even though I had been mostly inactive today, I was exhausted. The last few days, coupled with the lack of sleep of two nights and two days running, was taking its toll.
"You should get some rest now." Astrid's voice was instantly gentle again. I didn't even know Vikings knew how to be gentle, especially not a Viking like her. I also wanted to argue with her about the idea of getting rest, but my body betrayed me by forcing another yawn through my lips and after it was over, I mumbled, "Yeah, okay."
"Go on, Hiccup, go lay down."
"Right." I rubbed at my eyes. "C'mon, Toothless, buddy, let's go. Let's get some sleep." I collapsed into the nest of blankets gratefully, allowing my eyes to drift closed of their own accord. The quilt was still warm from Astrid's body.
She was still above me, and I thought maybe her fingers were in my hair, playing with it, teasing it. I enjoyed her calming touch immensely, even though I ordinarily hated people touching my head. I was almost asleep when I blurted suddenly, without thinking, "You're a good person."
She laughed, sounding a little surprised. "I think the lack of sleep is making you delirious, Hiccup. Just close your eyes."
"No, I mean it," I mumbled, barely aware of what I was saying anymore. "You took the arrow out…without staring at my scars…making fun of me for them…telling me I was ugly from them…"
Her hand on my head never quit moving, but she spoke slowly, like she was still trying to process everything I was saying. "But you're not ugly, Hiccup."
It seemed a silly thing to argue about, ugliness, so I decided to let her keep her delusions. Another yawn came out of my mouth before I rolled over and fell asleep. Something lightly tickled my forehead just before I fell asleep for real, and then that calming stroking of my hair stopped. Astrid was gone.
Of course I had a dream. Dad and Gobber were riding atop the blue Thunderdrum. Gobber looked tired and bewildered, but Dad looked positively murderous. It was scary.
"I'm going to kill them," he muttered between clenched teeth. "I don't care what their excuse is this time, I'm really going to kill them."
"Stoick," Gobber cut in timidly, "I'm sure they just went to join Hiccup—
Dad exploded. "Don't even get me started on him! Escapes from the hands of a bloodthirsty madman, shaking and injured, immediately plunging off to Thor-knows-where with a teenage girl and a wounded madman!"
"And a Night Fury," Gobber added brightly.
Dad gave his friend a long look.
Perhaps the blacksmith replayed his own words in his head, and realized something off about them, because he hastened to explain. "No, I didn't mean…I…Toothless is really good at defending him…I only meant…sorry."
The Thunderdrum sped ever forward, following a course I couldn't see.
"Hiccup!"
It was Astrid's voice that startled me into wakefulness, her sudden hand on my shoulder, shaking me in the darkness.
"Ow! Astrid!" I tried to push her away as gently as I could. "What? What is it?"
"It's Eret," she explained breathlessly. "I'm…I don't know what's wrong with him, Hiccup – he's acting really odd!"
"What do you mean?" I was instantly up again, blinking in the darkness as my eyes steadily adjusted, making out a dark shape on the blankets next to me, moving restlessly, eyelids flickering every few seconds.
"Essiue! Essiue!" he called out, very clearly, his voice piercing the stillness and the darkness. "En acark enn essen, Essiue."
"See, I tried to kind of wake him to get a straight answer out of him, but it's all like this, it's all gibberish."
"Astrid, shush." I tilted my head to hear Eret better, figuring my odds were better of decoding his words that way.
"En sennsenn ee hikling, Essiue." Eret's face was red and drenched in sweat as he shifted again, his hands fisted around his blankets like they were the last thing tying him to the earth. When he next spoke, his voice sounded very small. "En's son En finned yos."
"I don't think it's gibberish," I said slowly, looking down into Eret's pinched face, his trembling lips, his cheeks wet with freshly shed tears.
"What, you think he's somehow making sense?"
"In a way." When she continued to look confused, I elaborated. "Look, Eret's not…really a Viking. He's a Wanderer, and I've heard Wanderers speak before – they don't speak our language. They don't speak Norse."
"You mean, they have a different one?"
I nodded. "I never understood anything they meant when they spoke in it, but Alvin used to have Wanderer slaves, and they always spoke in what sounded like gibberish. Gust explained their language to me."
I dropped my gaze back to Eret, studying every line in his face, around in his eyes, lines where he had not smiled. My heart hurt for him. If I could, I would help heal his suffering. I remembered what he'd told me, showing me his whip scars so I wouldn't feel bad, telling me how his people were still in slavery, how he'd tried to free them once and failed…if I could, I would free them. I would do everything in my power to keep them safe, and make it so nobody could ever be enslaved again. That's what I would do, if I could.
I swept Eret's brown hair back out of his face, looking at his flickering eyelids, hoping for him to wake up. For a second, when he switched abruptly back to speaking fluent Norse, I thought he had.
"I marked it, Hiccup." I jumped at the use of my name, checking to make sure his eyes were still closed. "I marked it with my name. Look in the dirt…where I marked my name…"
Even when he was speaking in Norse, it was like he wasn't. I could barely understand him at the best of times, with his talk about my leg and the falls. What had the Outcasts done to him, to mess him up this badly?
Astrid and I exchanged glances in the darkness, and I knew we were both thinking the same thing.
"I wish he would just make sense," I muttered to myself, slumping back against the blankets, running a hand over my face tiredly. But I wished for so much more than that. A part of me wished I could go back in time, stop this from ever happening, stop myself from crashing onto Eret's island and dragging him into this whole mess. I'd done this to him, brought all of this on us. If I could, I would go back in time and undo it all, because he was a good person, a loyal friend, and he did not deserve this. If I could, I would protect him from all of this in an instant – even if it meant my life.
He'd seemed perfectly sensible when I'd last seen him in my dreams, even when I'd been searching for the Throne on the beach. He'd talked and made sarcastic comments like it was any other day. What could Alvin possibly have done to him, between then and now, that could have driven him to…to this? This point?
I put my hand over his, and the size difference was immediately noticeable. He was bigger than me, older, but I was responsible for him. He was my responsibility. I'd dragged him into this, just like I'd dragged everyone into this. Eret and Astrid and Stormfly and the Nadder that Eret had never named, the Nadder…the Nadder that Eret might not live to name. Was it better to die with your sanity, or live with it split?
I'd dragged them into this mess, driven Eret crazy. I'd killed Snotlout and Humongous, and I owed so many people so many things, so much compensation for what they'd gone through for me. I was suddenly afraid and alone. I think I would have cried, but Astrid's hand on my shoulder was so comforting. She was the only thing in this world I had right then, so I turned my face away from the mess I had made of a proud and sane man. I hid my face from him and buried it instead in her shoulder, feeling tears building up in my eyes. I would never be able to give Eret back everything he'd lost. I could never give anybody back anything. I could not bring Snotlout back from the grave, no matter how loudly I yelled. And no matter how much I bled for him, I could not bleed life back into Humongous. I could not give Eret back his sanity. I could not repair the things I had broken, not when I myself was too broken to do anything but simply be, right then. I simply was there, not crying or tearing up anymore, not sobbing or speaking, simply holding on, simply being.
Toothless sensed my feelings, because he was suddenly there too, and this wasn't right, Toothless and Astrid comforting me when it was Eret who'd lost everything, Eret and Snotlout and Humongous and Astrid and Toothless, people who had lost everything in a useless quest to give me life. For the first time in a long time, Astrid didn't ask me what to do about Eret. She leaned over and gently shook his shoulder, rousing him from sleep.
He was still speaking in different languages when he woke, and when he switched to Norse, he made no sense. I had done this to him. To everyone.