Chapter 37:
Betty Petrikov knew she was dreaming. She had to be. Simon was dead. Her husband of twenty years was dead. He'd practically died in her arms. "Yeah," said Simon. "That wasn't a good moment. I kinda' wish Finn wasn't such a badass. There's stuff I still wanted to say to you." Betty laughed. "You even sound like Simon," she chuckled. Simon laughed too. "Yeah," he said, "I was half afraid I'd be crazy like Ice King, but I been preparing for this." Betty frowned at the specter and asked, "preparing for what?" "For Death," said Simon. "He used to come by on the down-low when you were out. Ask Pat about my musician buddy sometime..."
"Death was in my house," Betty burbled? "Told you he hassled me," said Simon's ghost. "Kept tryin'a convince me to kick it... Figures he finally got me using my own kid." Betty was getting a little tired of this dream. Angrily she demanded, "what do you want?" Simon had expected no different. Betty wasn't much of a believer for a woman who was a wizard. It took all the effort he could muster not to roll his eyes. Softly, he told her, "somebody might come to you, Betty. In your dreams like this... He's going to come wearing my face, and he's going to try and get you to do every evil thing in the universe. Just like the bitch that killed me..." "Simone," howled Betty? "You're calling Simone a bitch?!" Simon did roll his eyes. "No, Betty," sighed the spirit. "The person who's really behind this. Anyways, you can't listen. If somebody comes to you wearing my face..." A voice from out of nowhere called out to Betty, shouting for her to wake up. "Damn," muttered the spirit.
Betty came awake with a start. It was Bonnibel's butler, and he was standing in her doorway. He looked sinister. Every time Betty looked at him, she saw sinister. Having learned that demons were very real and that this little shit was fucking around with them, Betty had come to an intense dislike of Princess Bonnibel's butler. Scrubbing her fingers through her hair, she snapped, "what do you want?" "When Your Excellency is ready," said Peppermint Butler, "I have the shower ready." Betty winced. Your Excellency. They were treating her as if she was Grand Master. Though that had always been the plan–get Simon to bestow the title on her when he got tired of it–she wasn't sure she was ready to hear that. Really she was very sure she never wanted to hear it again. You made this bed, she thought.
Slipping her legs out of bed, she told the evil bastard, "go on. I'll be out when I've washed." She didn't want his help. She wanted, more than anything, to go back to the start–turn her back on this whole thing. Unfortunately she'd made her bed. The only way to go was forward. When the butler had gone, Betty rose and headed for the shower wearing nothing but her birthday suit. That was part and parcel of her personality. Betty Groff, can-do feminist, wore a robe when she was dealing with her son, and she wore PJs when she was in someone else's house. Otherwise, why should she twist her habits to suit somebody else's archaic morality?
Standing in front of the bathroom mirror, she reflexively looked herself over, finding the same forty-something body that she'd had for the last twenty years. That was the painful part of all of this. A part of her would have been happy to get old. Then she could stop the pretense and quit worrying about her looks. Now she was caught between. She had stopped aging, but she couldn't de-age and go back to her younger days. She was physically young enough that it still seemed to matter how she looked. Did she admit it, she even still had the urge. At the same time, she was mentally much more mature, and she knew full well how ephemeral all this was. And, all at the same time, she couldn't really help comparing herself to that girl.
Her doppelganger.
Her husband had created Simone out of stray bits of memory, fashioning an idealized approximation of the woman he'd been happily shacked-up with before the war. And he loved her. That was the hell of it all. He shared a deep and enduring affection for the creature he'd created with a demon's power and a mad hope of having a companion. He would spend hours on the phone with her. He was there for every moment of her life–from her giving birth to her daughter to the day that child went off to school. Some moments, it had seemed like Simon loved Simone more than he loved his biological offspring with Betty.
Face it, Betty, thought the older woman. It's still there. It's always going to be there.
Shaking off the powerful bonds of jealousy, the older woman got into the shower and began to wash, scrubbing her saggy, not-so-perfect boobies, sudsing her not-so-flawless skin, and even giving her mousy-brown hair a wash. Stepping out of the shower, she dried herself and headed back into the next room, wondering if she had anything to wear. They hadn't exactly stopped by her hotel to get her things. They'd come straight here from Wizard City, ostensibly under Bonnibel's protection. Of course the strange bubblegum woman wasn't high on Betty's list of people she trusted. Strangely enough, Bonnibel Bubblegum would have suited the feminist sensibilities of her twenty-first-century colleagues, but Betty found that made her absolutely untrustworthy. She was almost treacherous to the older woman. Oddly enough, Betty missed Simone. Poor, guileless Simone, who's only ambition had been to raise her kids and grow old with her man.
You killed her, thought Betty. If not for you, she'd have been in that fucking treehouse, picking up after that slob. She shouldn't have been there. Simone didn't have any need for any of that. Betty had used her love and affection for her 'father' to drag her into the campaign for the Grand Master's seat. Forcing those thoughts away, Betty went to the dresser where her dress was laying. Picking it up, she found it had been washed clean of Simon's blood. The little bastard had likely come in under the orders of his mistress and washed it for her. Part of her was delighted. Part of her still would have gone home and hidden her face from the world.
The Privy Council was already in session when Betty walked up to the chambers. She'd fantasized about coming there to that body of powerful women and sitting down among them like she was somebody. Now she was somebody, and she came slinking in like she was the worst sort of jezebel. Not that Bonnibel let her for long. The minute she was within sight of that roomful of powerful people, the Candy Monarch called out to her, saying, "good morning, Your Excellency. I'm glad you're able to join us. Please come and sit in your place."
Breezy's scout had come back after flying all night and most of the previous day, and now the Queen Bee had the floor. Betty quickly found her seat and settled in to listen, though truth be told she had no idea what to do or say. When she was in her place, the bee-woman began the thread again. "Pic couldn't get very close," she said. "The air temperature made him very weak and drowsy." Pic was a giant bee. It made sense to Betty that he had troubles. If he'd gotten exposed to low temps from the Ice Crown, he'd likely gone into torpor.
"Pic," said Breezy, "reports that the Lich is creating an artificial island. One made of ice. He's frozen out the Fluffy People. I think there may be massive casualties." With a sigh, Desert Princess murmured, "that explains why we've lost contact..." Wildberry Princess was far less concerned about the fluffy people and more concerned with what the Lich was up to. "Do we know this for certain," she demanded? Tapping a button on her phone, the bee woman caused the holoprojector to flare to life, saying, "Pic was able to get video..." Betty shot to her feet in fear. There was something about that island and its location...
"A fool's errand," Muscle Princess announced! "Even Ice King couldn't freeze the ocean!" Many of the princesses felt the same, but Betty had a sinking feeling born out of education and the eco-movement before the war. Their undieing madman was doing something very dangerous. One look at Bonnie was enough to confirm her fears. She saw what the Lich was doing, and she was afraid. Stepping forward, a worried Princess Bubblegum thanked her colleague.
Stopping before the podium, the Candy Monarch murmured, "he's attacking the great ocean current. If he builds up enough ice at his current location, he will make the current slow down. He will almost certainly rob it of precious heat energy and raise the chance of the planet suffering an ice-age..." That news had everyone in the room wide awake and very concerned. An ice age would starve millions and destroy Ooo's already depleted population! A wide-eyed and no-longer smug Muscle Princess stared in goggle-eyed horror at the candy person.
Nadia the Grid-Face Princess opined, "he would indeed cause a massive disruption, but Ooo has two oceans, Bonnibel. And even did he disrupt both, he would only succeed in forcing the population of Ooo to concentrate at the equator. I think we should not be alarmed just yet... His scheme has a serious flaw if he truly intends to slaughter Ooo's population..." The gathered Princesses often looked to their four most learned individuals to decide which way to jump. Today, Truth Field Princess was absent, and Betty, as Grand Master was far outside her depth.
She was no climate scientist. Even with billions in currency spent across dozens of nations, the humans of her time hadn't definitively answered the question. Betty had been an ernest believer back then. Inside she thought she still was. But this wasn't bashing Big Oil or a coal company. This was the lives of Ooo/Earth's very-depleted population. If they got it wrong, that fiendish madman would murder tens of thousands at the least. She couldn't decide. With over a dozen heads of state before her, she couldn't decide on a course of action.
"He's got a plan," announced Finn the Human as he came striding through the door. Every face there watched the big man with laser-focus as he came down the aisle with Mafia Princess in tow. Both came with armloads of books. Bonnie watched as her boyfriend approached. Stopping before the podium, Finn held up one of those books, letting Betty get a good look at the title. Global Climate Change and War – US Army War College.
Crisply–as if he hadn't lost the great love of his life–the Hero of Ooo said, "when all the crops are gone and the animals are dead, we'll all be schemin' on each other. Candy-People against Berry-People against Bee-People against Froyo-People. Fight to the death and he kills the winners." Betty scrubbed at her face in agony. He was right! When their subjects were starving in the streets, these people would all be slaughtering each other! Don't leave yourself out, Elizabeth Grof, she thought. You're one of these people now too.
Finn turned to Bonnie and said, "need a private meeting, Peebles. You, me, Betty, Nadia, Cherry, and Phoebes..." Turning to the others, Finn said, "going to ask you all to scoot for home. Start rationing food and heating fuel. Shit's gonna' get real, and we need to be ahead of it. Get people concentrated where they can be fed and sheltered." As an astonished Betty looked on, the others all got up to do just as he'd said. Still, for want of a plan of her own, Betty rose to go into the private chamber behind the podium.
Finn was unsurprised to see that there were a few more faces there than he requested. Billy, Star, and Fionna came along, with Billy bringing Ragnhild. He was pleasantly surprised to see Marceline, though he was a little irritated at her for disappearing like that. Still, Cherry was the biggest source of tension in the room. Phoebe spoke for herself and Finn's kids when she growled, "what the fuck is she here for?!" Brazenly, Cherry strode straight up to the elemental woman and said, "because he needs my help."
Before Phoebe could get violent, Bonnie signaled her to wait. Fionna rushed forward, shouting, "you killed my mother!" Shaking her head, Cherry replied, "I tried to stop this from happening. I sent my best agents to intercept that package, but it was guarded by the Dipped." Heart in her eyes, Star darted forward. Cherry told her, "he's fine, honey. He's ok. He got away. He's working right now, or he would have called you..." Fionna didn't follow any of that. Her eyes were full of hate, and it was clear that she would have torn the little candy-person to pieces. Bonnie spoke for all present when she told their visitor, "talk."
"The problem," said Cherry, "started when Penelope Sweet, the King of Thief City, nearly met her end at the hands of the King of the Fire Kingdom..." At Phoebe's gasp of fear and surprise, Cherry said, "she survived the fall, Your Highness. Instead of being slaughtered out of hand by the gangster-prince of Oceanside, she turned the tables on him. Then she used his position to start work on her revenge. Rival gangs that Penny was able to coopt helped move the Lich's minions so they could steal his prison, steal the Ice Crown, and launch the attack on Wizard City, and I suspect she's helping him right now in enacting his scheme." Nadia and Ragnhild both went very pale at those words. Betty howled, "but why?! That doesn't make any sense! If he succeeds, they die too!" "But they don't know that, Mrs. Petrikov," replied Cherry. "Only she knows who the client is and what the client's ultimate goal would be. They think they're holding the planet hostage." "And Penny's angle," asked Billy? "Between us, we cost Penny a son," Cherry replied. Pointing at Bonnie, the diminutive crime-boss asked, "why should her son be alive? Why should mine, when Penny's son is dead?"
She said it so calmly. She was so calm in the face of a deed so monstrous and a motivation so mad that Betty was having trouble wrapping her mind around it. Fionna had no such trouble. With a wail of agony, the pretty blonde grabbed her hair and began to pace. She'd done this! She'd killed Penny's kid! She'd killed him and even joked about it! She was the reason both her moms were dead! Finn went to his daughter and grabbed her by the shoulders. Pulling her hands away from where her diamond-hard nails were scoring her scalp, Finn said, "you were right the first time, Fi. You didn't do this. She and her piece-of-shit son did. He put himself in that spot. She put evil on our family because she's just as evil and twisted as he was. Some day I'm going to make her hurt for this. For right now, we have a job to do, and I need you here with me." Fionna looked up at him with a bleak expression, her eyes brimming with tears. Dashing those tears away, the bunny-girl nodded and said, "ok, dad. W-what're we doing?"
Turning back to his friends and allies, Finn said, "the first thing we have to do is slow him down. Bonnie? You said that the wall of ice he's creating is slowing down the ocean, right?" "Yes, Finn," replied the Princess. She knew better than to correct him. He was right in the essentials, so that was really what mattered. "How much time do we have before he has enough ice to block the ocean entirely," asked Finn? "Weeks," replied Bonnie. "Even the Ice Crown has limits. The ocean's warmth will slow down the rate of growth even in winter." "Right," said Finn. "I have a couple ideas to slow him down even further." Striding back to the gathering, Finn grabbed a sheet of paper from the table and began to sketch. "Nadia," said he. "I need something from your people. I need one of those forcefield dinguses, but I need it big enough to surround the entire island he's already built. I need you to make it strong enough to hold the pressure of the ice for a few months. PB? Can you build something to amp up the sun's rays? Something to keep melting his ice?" "Yes, Finn," said Bonnie. "This is a good plan, but it's only going to delay him."
Finn nodded. "I know, Peebles," he replied. "That's all I want to do for now. While he's tied up fighting the sun, Betty and I are going to hunt down the place where he got his start. There's got to be something there we can use against him." Betty frowned at the younger man. Looking up at Simon's widow, Finn said, "with Simone and Simon both gone, you're the only person who's maybe old enough to have some idea where we can find his birthplace, Bets." Betty gulped. There it was again. This had all seemed a lot simpler when she was going to sit on a throne and give orders to a bunch of flunkies. Now she could be deciding the fate of life on Earth.
"We can do this," said Bonnie. "We can hold the line." Turning to her colleagues, the bubblegum princess said, "we'll need to pool our resources." Froyo said, "my people can handle the cold better, and you're going to need guards for this. With your permission, I will bring my personal guard across the wasteland." Nadia said, "I can transport them. We're going to need to move quickly, Bonnibel. I can have the forcefield machinery ready in a week." "Done," said Bonnie. "Agreed," said Ragnhild. "William?" With a sheepish smile, Billy told his lover, "I'll catch up, babe. Family conference. Got to stick around." Ragnhild reached out and stroked his face–just the lightest of touches. She'd told him that was what she 'allowed' herself when they were in public like this. With that, the princesses swept out, leaving Finn there with his kids.
"Dad," said Billy. "What're we...?" Finn held up his hand, motioning for his son to wait while he thought about what he was going to say. After a long pause, he told them, "I'm sorry, guys. When we started down this road... I wanted this for your moms. I wanted them to be happy because they... They'd been in that house eighteen years taking care of the four of us. I never dreamed things would spiral out of control like this. I... made some mistakes, and I hurt them both. They hurt me, but I didn't have the right to hurt them back. Stuff just fell apart on us..."
"Daddy," sniffed Fionna, "w-what're we gonna' do?" She didn't want to talk about affairs or cheating. She was feeling the pain of having somehow started this. She hadn't even intended to kill that asshole, but here they were, watching the world be torn apart because of it. "We're gonna' fight, Fi," said Finn. "I'm... This isn't the kind of fight that we're used to, but we're gonna' do what we do. Star? You're on the spy-biz. Your momma isn't on that island. I have a sneaky suspicion the other half of the Lich is out there somewhere tryin'a keep us from melting his ice-island." "You want me to find out if he's got an army or something," burbled Star. "Yeah, babe," said Finn. "You're... You're good with that stuff." She was a natural at it.
Turning to his son, he said, "Bill... While I'm gone, your job is to keep the princesses in line." Billy frowned at him. "They're goofy, Bill," Finn opined. "They do dumb shit so often, they don't even realize they're doing it, and Wildberry's the worst. Don't let them meet. If you have no choice, don't let them talk. If that fails, don't let them debate. It'll just raise hell when we don't need it." "Ok, dad," said Billy. Turning at last to Fionna, Finn said, "you're my face in the field, sweetheart. You and Patrick are to go to the island. Keep the Lich under lock and key. Make sure nobody and nothing gets to Nadia's forcefield machine or Bonnie's sunray." "Ok, daddy," she burbled. The gathering broke up then. Finn took his pile of books and went looking for Betty. They had some reading to do.