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Reviews: TheGirlin404, dnmann, son-lyn, Godlove, freedom4trace, L2GQ, taymm15, Annais81, degrassi1son, Born2Try, spashley13 and mlfleishman.

I got a negative review after the last chapter, that's ok it happens. It was hard to read, but the nature of posting something online is that not everyone is going to like it. My biggest problem with this particular review is that it was left by a Guest so I have no way of replying. So I just wanted to say that if you read something someone has poured their heart, soul and time into and you have issues with it, by all means leave some feedback. But please login in first so the writer can reply. I would love to reply to this review and talk to the reviewer about what they said. I'm not angry or wanting to argue with them, I'd just like to tell them my thoughts. Anyway, rant over. Thank you as always to the amazing people who write such kind words and make me feel so incredible.

Some of you may hate me a little after this chapter, please trust in the story and put away the sharp objects!

Usual disclaimer – SoN is not mine.

Angels on the Moon

Chapter Thirty-Six

Ashley's POV

I woke up to the musical sound of laughter just behind me. I opened my eyes and quickly noticed two things. Number one was that Allie was standing over me grinning excitedly and number two was that I was curled up in Spencer's arms on the floor next to the Christmas tree.

I felt Spencer move beneath me and chanced a look into her expressive eyes. She smiled nervously at me and cleared her throat before rasping out, "Um I guess we fell asleep?"

I nodded and very reluctantly, eased myself out of her strong arms. I sat up beside her and opened my arms up to Allie who was quick to snuggle up on my lap. Spencer was quick to wrap her arms around us both and whisper softly, "Merry Christmas."

Allie giggled happily and kissed both of us on the cheek before almost shouting, "Merry Christmas Mommy and Momma!"

Spencer shook her head with a grin, "Inside voice Allie."

Allie blushed a little and then snuggled deeper into my arms. I sighed in contentment and relaxed into the warmth of Spencer and Allie's embrace.

A few minutes later Paula and Arthur wandered in, Arthur with the video camera already recording. They beamed when they saw the three of us all cuddle up next to the tree. Paula gave Arthur's hand a squeeze before moving to sit down on the sofa and open her arms up to Allie. Allie quickly bounded across the room and gave her Gramma a big hug.

Soon the rest of the Carlins joined us and the Christmas carols were flowing through the stereo speakers. I excused myself to go upstairs to get the gifts I gotten for everyone. Before I left Arthur was quick to remind me that pyjamas must be worn until all the presents under the tree had been unwrapped. Tradition. Just in case you hadn't picked up on it, the Carlins are very big on tradition when it comes to Christmas!

I hurried upstairs to firstly, empty my bladder, and then secondly to collect the gifts I'd gotten for everyone. They weren't much, but I hoped the others would all like them.

I carried the bags of presents down stairs and headed back into the living room where everyone was sitting in various places around the room. I made my way back over to Spencer and Allie and took my place beside them.

Arthur grinned at everyone and started distributing the presents from 'Santa'. Soon all you could hear was the sound of wrapping paper being torn as we all opened our presents. While we were occupied with our first gift, Arthur and Paula sorted all the gifts into individual piles and gave them out. There were so many gifts! It was a little overwhelming truth be told.

Before unwrapping my own pile of presents I quickly handed out the gifts I had for everyone, keeping my head down shyly at the enthusiastic thank yous I received.

I sat back down in front of my pile of presents and tentatively started unwrapping the first. Allie caught sight of this and practically shouted, "Not like that Momma! You've got to rip the paper real fast, it's more fun that way!"

I glanced at Spencer and found her barely containing her laughter at our daughter's words. I grinned at Allie and agreed, "You're right Little Pumpkin, how's this?" I quickly ripped the paper off the present in my hands and Allie nodded in approval before getting back to the important task of annihilating the wrapping from her own pile of presents. My God, there were so many presents!

The gifts I got were all so sweet and thoughtful. Glen and Madison had gotten me a stack of new riding clothes and an awesome jacket to wear around the farm. Clay and Chelsea gave me a breathtaking water colour of Allie sitting in a field of wildflowers, it was very obviously Chelsea's work. You could tell by just how realistic it was. Next Paula and Arthur gave me a set of rugs for Melody along with a stunning leather halter with her name engraved on a brass plate. Santa (read, Arthur and Paula) got me the traditional gift for adults in the family of pyjamas, slippers, chocolate and a book. My book this year was a photography book depicting images of different families from around the world. It was beautiful.

I saved the gifts from Spencer and Allie for last.

The first gift was a thick, leather-bound, music composition book. I ran my hands over the supple leather and flipped it open to the first page where tears filled my eyes when I read the inscription,

May you find inspiration to fill these pages with words that will change the world. You've already changed mine and for that I will always be eternally grateful.

Love Always,

Spencer

Xo

I slowly lifted my head to catch her eyes and found her smiling tenderly at me. I bit my lip and murmured breathlessly, "Thank you so much."

Spencer blushed a little and shrugged, her eyes staying locked on mine until Allie claimed her attention by showing off her gifts from Glen and Madison.

I opened the rest of my gifts from Spencer and Allie and found them all to be moving and beautiful. Allie had (with help from Spencer) written and illustrated a book for me all about the adventures the three of us would have in the future. They'd also given me a framed photo of Allie sitting on Santa's knee from the local department store.

The last gift I opened was a beautiful photobook that Spencer had painstakingly made of Allie's life up until I'd arrived at the farm. The inscription read:

Dear Ashley,

These are the precious memories that combine together to create the most incredible little girl in the world. She is a part of you and me and the most perfect outcome of the love between us.

Next Christmas I want you to create a photobook of your own, in which you, Allie and I will star together.

Merry Christmas Ashley, I'm so happy you are here with us.

Love,

Spence

Xox

It was perfect. I looked up just in time to see Spencer open her gift from me. She froze and her hands trembled as she ran her fingers over delicate white gold chain that held my great grandmother's tear drop, sapphire pendant. My mother (who had died when I was born) had left it for me and my father had always said it was a symbol of true love and strength for my mother. I had gotten it restored and had planned to give it to Spencer when Allie was born, but had forgotten in the aftermath.

Spencer's eyes darted back and forth between the necklace and my eyes as she struggled to speak. Finally she murmured, "This is too much, I can't accept it."

I leaned in and closed her hand over the pendant, "You remember what I told you about this necklace?"

Spencer nodded and a solitary tear slid down her cheek.

Allie, who had been watching our exchange, quickly asked, "What did you tell Mommy?"

I smiled at Allie and explained softly, "This necklace belonged to my great grandmother who received it from my great grandfather on their first wedding anniversary. He told her that as long as that sapphire existed so would his love for her. My great grandparents were together for over fifty years and died within days of each other. My great grandfather died first and the very next day my great grandmother gave my grandmother the sapphire and told her it had to be worn with love and given with love when the time came for it to be passed on. My great grandmother died the next day. This necklace was given to my mother and then to me after she died and now I am giving it to your Mommy because, like my great grandmother said, this necklace has to be given and worn with love and I love your Mommy very much Little Pumpkin."

By this point the room was silent as everyone listened to my story. The only sound was Spencer's sniffles as she fought more tears.

Allie gazed up at me in wonder and said, "Wow! You must love Mommy a whole lot!"

I nodded and kissed my daughter's cheek, "I do, very much."

Spencer carefully sat the necklace on the floor and launched herself into my arms, sending me flying backwards onto the carpet. Her lips sought mine and she kissed me hungrily before pulling back and looking into my eyes before kissing me gently, almost reverently.

She extricated herself from my arms and sat up, pulling me up with her and whispered, "Thank you, I...just...thank you."

I nodded and blushed at the intense look in her eyes. The room soon filled with noise again as everyone went back to their presents, but Spencer and I stayed locked in that moment together a little longer.

I think we would have stayed like that all day had Allie not thrown herself into my lap to thank me for the gift I'd gotten her, her very own half-sized guitar. I couldn't wait to teach her how to play it just like my Dad had taught me.

As soon as the presents were finished being unwrapped we all headed upstairs to get dressed as my parents, Aiden and Sammy were due at the farm shortly.

I got ready almost mechanically as I thought about the day to come. I was nervous, but I was ready to face the future with this family and this was a big step in that.

I stepped out of my room and found Spencer standing on the landing waiting for me with the pendant hanging against the tanned skin of her chest. It looked like it had been designed especially for her. It reflected the range of blues in her eyes and seemed to absorb the warmth from her smile. She looked breathtaking in a simple cream, linen dress that fell to her knees.

She held out her hand to me and without a word I took it. We walked hand in hand down the stairs until we stepped into the living room and I saw my family. I gasped a little and fought to control the urge to both run and cry as I looked over at the people I had let down. Spencer gave my hand a squeeze before releasing me and stepping to the side to let me greet the new arrivals.

Dad stepped forward first and cupped my cheek in his hand. With tears in his eyes he murmured, "You look amazing, just like your mother actually. Merry Christmas Pumpkin."

I felt the first of many tears fall as I threw myself into my father's arms. His arms enveloped me and rocked me gently as we both cried. After a while I stepped back and smiled tearfully up into his familiar blue eyes, "Merry Christmas Daddy."

Dad released me and I quickly turned to Anne with some lingering guilt when I thought about the last time I seen her. I still felt sick when I thought about how I'd pushed her. Anne must have sensed my guilt because she very quickly stepped forward and said sternly, "No guilt today Ashley, all is forgiven. I am just so glad to see you looking so well. I love you and I have missed you."

I quickly wrapped her in my arms and held her close as I whispered, "I love you too Mom, Merry Christmas."

Anne chuckled huskily and said, "It is now."

I kissed her cheek and pulled back to step into Aiden's waiting arms, "Hey Bambi, Merry Christmas."

Aiden kissed the top of my head and replied, "Merry Christmas to you too Ash."

After getting hugged until I could hardly breathe by Aiden I took a hesitant step towards Sammy, who was sitting on the sofa with his crutches discarded on the floor. His eyes followed my every step, while his expression stayed hostile.

I took a deep breath and smiled at my nephew uncertainly, "Hi Sammy, do you know who I am?"

Sammy nodded and said quietly, "You're my Aunty Ashley."

"Yeah I am, I'm sorry I haven't seen you in a long time..." I began only to be cut off by my nephew.

"Why haven't I seen you?" Sammy demanded with a very Kyla like frown on his face.

I saw Aiden going to intervene and held up my hand, this was my explanation to give. I sat next to Sammy on the sofa and nodded, "That's a very fair question Sam. I got very sad when your Mom died, so sad that I didn't cope at all and ended up making myself sick. I am so sorry that I went away and wasn't there for you. I can never make up for that, but if you'll let me I'd very much like to get to know you and be there for you from now on."

Sammy's frown deepened and he muttered, "I was sad too! I missed my Mom every single day and I wanted to see you, but you were gone! Why would you go away like that?"

I felt a presence behind me and knew that Spencer had stepped a little closer. I took a deep breath and said the only thing I could really say, "I'm so sorry Sammy. I was wrong and I never should have left. I should have been there for you and your Dad and everyone else instead of being selfish. I am very, very sorry."

Sammy blinked away the tears in his big green eyes and mumbled, "Mom always told me that you would be there for me. She said that no matter what I could always count on you, but when I really need you, you were away Aunty Ashley. It made me really sad and it made me hate you."

I swallowed around the lump in my throat and choked out, "I have made so many mistakes Sammy and I wish I could take all of them back, but I can't. All I can do is tell you that I am sorry and promise that from now on I'll be here for you. I am not going away again, so whenever you need me all you need to do is call and I'll be there no matter what. I would love so much to spend some time together soon, I have so many stories about your Mom that I'd love to tell you. She was the best person I have ever known."

It felt like an eternity passed as Sammy considered my words and then, finally, his frown became a little less sever and he said softly, "I'd really like to hear all about my Mom."

I smiled and nodded, "deal, I'd be happy to tell you all about her. She was pretty great your Mom. And I promise you that I am not going away again. I will be there for you."

Sammy shrugged and gave me a look that clearly told me he would believe it when I could prove it. I would prove it to him, to all of them.

After that hugs and tears were shared as the Carlins, who had waited in the kitchen to give us a moment, came in. We quickly exchanged more presents and then it was time for Arthur to get back into his kitchen with Anne who had become his Christmas Day assistant over the years. She was almost as good a cook as him, almost but not quite.

The rest of us settled around the living room. Allie and Sammy were playing with their presents together and the grownups were sitting around chatting. It was so amazingly normal and perfect. This was more than I had ever dreamed to hope for.

I was chatting to Aiden when I felt eyes on me. I glanced around and caught Spencer watching. She quickly blushed and looked away when our eyes met, but almost immediately glanced my way again. She bit her lower lip and then sent me a tender smile before tuning back into the conversation going on between Madison and Chelsea. The look in her eyes had been different. I couldn't quite figure it out, but something was different.

I would have analysed it more, but Allie quickly stole my attention to show me the tower her and Sammy had constructed out of blocks. Sammy was reserved with me, but allowed me to sit with them and even included me in conversation every now and then.

The rest of the day passed like this, enjoying the simple pleasure of being with my family on Christmas. I couldn't believe how happy I felt when only months ago I thought I would never feel anything good again, or that I'd never deserved to feel anything good again.

The immense joy I got from simply watching my daughter laugh and play was astounding. The waves of love I felt whenever I looked at Allie or Spencer were intoxicating. This was better than any drug could ever make me feel. I was exactly where I wanted to be. Nothing else mattered, just that I was there in the moment with my family.

Christmas lunch was a noisy affair as always, with everyone laughing and chatting between mouthfuls of the most delicious food known to man. Arthur Carlin was a good cook on the best of days, but at Christmas time he always managed to outdo himself. It was like each year he would challenge himself to reach new heights of scrumptiousness and every year he succeeded. It's a wonder we weren't all insanely obese.

After we ate Madison and Glen took Zach home so they could all rest and Clay and Chelsea headed off to see Chelsea's family. Arthur, Paula, Mom and Dad all headed into the den to spend some time together so it left Spencer, Aiden, Allie, Sammy and I in the living room.

Spencer looked so peaceful and content as Allie crawled up into her lap and snuggled in. I wished I had a camera to capture the moment. I felt Aiden step up beside me and grinned as he whispered, "So what are you doing to get your girl back?"

I looked up at him and murmured, "Whatever I have to."

Aiden beamed and draped his arm around my shoulders. Sammy put down the comic book he had been engrossed in and asked, "Can we go see the horses?"

Spencer set Allie on her feet and stood up from the sofa, "Sure we can Sammy, maybe you and Allie can have a little ride if your Dad says it's ok?"

Spencer, Allie and Sammy all gazed up at Aiden with pleading eyes and cute pouts, he would have been made of stone to not give in. Aiden rolled his eyes and sighed, "Oh alright then! Put the pouts away you three."

Spencer and the kids all laughed and the kids and Spencer quickly got changed before we headed out of the house. I was impressed by how well Sammy was moving around on his crutches. When I'd last spent any real time with him he was almost entirely wheelchair bound. It had been a big blow to the family when he had been born with cerebral palsy, but everyone had rallied and now Sammy was doing great.

Allie and Sammy lead the way down to the stable with Aiden right behind them. Spencer and I hung back a bit behind them and walked along side, by side. I was starting to wonder if I should break the silence when Spencer asked, "So how are you doing with everything that happened today?"

I took a moment to think before I answered, "Well, I feel...good. I think I was ready to see everyone like this and even though it was painful seeing Sammy and seeing how hurt he is, I'm glad I have the chance to start mending bridges. I was so nervous to see them, but it wasn't bad. I think there is still work to be done between me and the family, but I think the last couple of days have been some really positive steps forward for me."

Spencer nodded and murmured, "Seeing you with them today, seeing how far you've come...I...I just wanted to say it got to me. I'm not saying this well. I mean it made me..." Spencer paused and let out a rushed breath and she tried to put her thoughts into words. She was so flustered!

I took her hand and smiled, "It's ok Spence, you don't have to tell me."

Spencer shook her head and sighed, "I want to, I'm just struggling to put it into words is all."

I looked deeply into her eyes as I pulled her to a stop, "Ok, well how do you feel?"

Spencer swallowed hard and choked out one word that I would hear echo in my mind, "forgiving."

Before I could respond or react, Spencer's face morphed into an involuntary expression of shock and she rushed ahead of me into the barn where Aiden and the kids were waiting.

I hurried after them and watched my wife as she busied herself in saddling Donkey and a sweet looking large chestnut pony. The whole time she kept her eyes on her task, her expression troubled and confused. It looked like all the emotions in the world were warring in her head.

Once the ponies were saddled and the kids were wearing their helmets, Spencer and Aiden led them into the arena and helped them hop onto the ponies. Aiden carefully settled Sammy in the saddle and guided his feet into the stirrups. Sammy beamed and gathered up the reins before the pony started moving. Aiden moved to stand beside me at the gate while Spencer walked around the arena next to the ponies.

Aiden smiled at my look of amazement and explained, "Sammy has been doing a bit of riding as part of his physical therapy and has gotten pretty good. Paula and Arthur bought Chester, his pony, a month ago so we could come out to the farm anytime. He's specially trained to be ridden by a child with a disability like Sammy."

"That's really great. He looks so happy out there," I replied with a grin.

Aiden beamed proudly and nodded, "He told me it the one time he feels normal and free. That horse lets him be just like any other kid."

I watched my daughter and Sammy laugh as they rode their ponies around the arena together. Spencer stayed close by them, always watching and ready to step in if needed. I kept thinking about what she'd said. Did she mean she forgave me? Or was at least close to forgiving me?

I really wanted to pull her aside and ask, but at the same time I kind of didn't. Maybe it would be best to just leave it for now. I love her and she loves me, she wanted me to be in her life. Maybe that was all I needed to know? She was making my head spin!

Maybe I needed more. Maybe I needed Spencer to give me more. It seemed almost teasing to imply that she forgave me and then bail. One day she tells me that my recovery can't be dependent on her forgiveness and then the very next day goes and says something that brings back all the feelings and insecurities I had about needing her forgiveness. It was a bit confusing.

I watched the kids, envious of their carefree innocence. I had felt like I'd made such progress yesterday after talking to Spencer, but with the perspective that time can give I was starting to doubt myself. Could I forgive myself? I mean after everything that had happened, everything that I had done, could I really forgive myself? Did I deserve to forgive myself?

I sighed and slumped against the fence of the arena. Aiden looked at me in concern and asked kindly, "You ok?"

I shrugged and blinked back tears as I mumbled, "It's been a big couple of days Bambi. I kind of thought I was getting somewhere and then today I'm just not so sure. I want to be better you know, better for everyone."

Aiden shook his head, "Stop, just stop Ash. Don't be better for everyone else, be better for you!"

I sighed, "Spencer said something similar yesterday. She told me I had to focus on me and forgiving myself."

Aiden chuckled, "She's a smart woman your wife."

I flashed a brief smile and replied, "That she is and for about 24 hours I thought I had forgiven myself, but now...now I just wonder can I ever really forgive myself for the things that I've done. It's too much Aiden. I became someone so far from who I want to be and I don't know if forgiveness is even fucking possible!"

Aiden slung an arm around my shoulder and said kindly, "You can't expect things to just magically happen Ash. Forgiveness takes time. You can't rush this and I know you, I know what you're doing. You're trying to force forgiveness, to rush through it all, so that you can go to Spencer and tell her you're ready and then she'll throw herself into your arms and you guy will be together again. Am I right?"

I rolled my eyes and shoved him a little, "Ok so maybe you are. I just want things to go back to the way they were."

Aiden shrugged, "Yep and the thing is you're smart enough to know that can never happen. There is no going back. Trust me, if we could go back and change things I would in a second. I would give all that I have if it meant that Sammy could grow up with his mom. But life doesn't work like that and you can never go back. So stop looking back Ash, you cannot change what has happened so stop trying."

I blinked back tears and fixed my eyes on Spencer as she moved gracefully around the arena. She was a remarkable woman and stronger than I think even she knew. How could I forgive myself for what I had done to her? I was kidding myself yesterday when I'd looked to the sky and told Kyla I'd forgiven myself. Maybe on an intellectual level I'd finally come to see that it wasn't my fault, but on a deeply emotional level I was not even close.

Aiden punched me gently in the arm and whispered, "Stop over-thinking things Ash, you know she loves you and that she'll wait. She wants a life with you and Allie. You and Spencer are endgame. So you need to take the time and sort your shit out. You can't rush forgiveness. It's like love, it can't be forced. You can want to forgive with your whole heart, but if you aren't ready then it is never going to happen. You want so badly to skip ahead and magically fix everything so that you, Spencer and Allie can finally be together, but in order for it to last you need to make sure you are ready. Don't you dare go to them if you aren't 100% ready to let go and move on."

I nodded and bit my lip before mumbling, "Can you tell Spencer and the kids I had to go talk to my folks?"

Aiden smiled in understanding and nodded. He patted me gently on the back as I walked past him and out of the arena. I'd jumped a bit ahead of myself and I was a bit scared that in doing that I may have given Spencer false hope. I mean I had felt different, freer somehow. I really thought I was there, ready to forgive myself. That moment when Spencer had left me outside after telling me to focus on me, I really thought I'd had an epiphany. I think it was more me desperately wanting it to be true. I wanted so badly to be at the point where my family could be whole again. I wanted it so badly I'd pretty much have convinced myself of anything to make that happen.

I walked into the house and found Arthur in the kitchen making coffees with my Dad. They both turned to look at me and looked instantly concerned at the tears on my cheeks.

"Ash, honey are you ok?" Dad asked stepping closer.

I shook my head and shrugged, "Honestly I'm not quite sure. Um do you think one of you could drive me to a meeting? I know there is a session at the church in about 45 minutes and I really think I should go."

Dad looked at Arthur and then back at me as he asked, "Can I take you? I'd understand if you'd rather Arthur go."

I nodded and held out my hand to my Dad who took it and with a quick goodbye to Arthur we headed off. The drive to my AA/NA meeting was pretty quiet, just me giving Dad driving directions.

Once we parked we just sat in the car for a moment in silence. I studied the dashboard and didn't raise my eyes until Dad asked gently, "Pumpkin do you want me to come in with you or I can wait out here? Whatever you need."

I nodded and stammered, "Uh...um...come in with me...please?"

Dad smiled warmly and switched off the ignition before climbing out of the SUV. I followed suit and soon we were walking through the heavy wooden doors of the church. It was really sad to see how full the meeting was. I guess Christmas was really hard for people. It was good there were places to go where addicts like me could get some support.

I smiled faintly at various people I recognised and led Dad to some seats about halfway between the front of the church and the exit. We sat down and I reached over to grasp my Dad's hand in mine. He kept giving me little, comforting squeezes as we waited for the meeting to start.

A facilitator I'd not seen before stood up behind the lectern and began, "Welcome everyone. My name is Reece and I'm and addict. I've been sober for nearly five years now. I'm here today because Christmas is always a rough time for me and I'm betting for a lot of you too. Is there anyone who would like to share?"

Without thinking about it I raised my hand and on Reece's nod I moved to the front of the room. I glanced at Dad and found him smiling encouragingly and even a bit proudly.

I cleared my throat and began, "Hi, merry Christmas I guess. My name is Ashley and I'm an addict."

I paused for the usual reply and then continued, "So I've been sober now for 64 days. Today I kind of want to talk about forgiveness. I had a moment yesterday when I honestly thought I'd forgiven myself for everything I'd done and put my family through. I thought I'd had an epiphany I guess and that all was forgiven. But today I am questioning that. Today my wife said something to me that could possibly have meant that she is starting to forgive me for what I've done. But hear that all I could think in the back of my mind is that I don't deserve her forgiveness. I guess I kind of think that there is no way I can have forgiven myself if I still don't think I deserve other people's forgiveness. I just wanted everything to be better so badly that I let myself get caught up in the moment and let myself believe a comforting lie."

I paused and looked down at my open hand where my wedding and engagement rings sat, freed from their usual place in my pocket. "Yesterday and today have been some of the best days I've had in a long time. I got to spend Christmas with my daughter for the first time sober. I got to wake up in my wife's arms after falling asleep together. I got to see my parents, brother in law and nephew and realise that despite all the hurt I've caused they still love me. I got to see my new baby nephew, which is the first time I've allowed myself to be near a newborn since my daughter was born and I coped with that. I got to see my wife laugh and smile, which are things I've truly missed. I think all of this made it so easy for me to believe that I was ready to forgive myself because I know that until I can really and truly forgive myself, then my wife can't forgive me either."

I shook my head and rand my hand through my crazy curls, "Hearing my wife say that she was feeling forgiving towards me was like having the blinders taken off. I'm not ready for forgiveness. Not my own and not my wife's. I think in my head I know that what happened to my sister wasn't my fault, I think I might be getting close to some forgiveness for that, but when I think about who I became after my sister died and what I put my family through I know that I am a long way for being able to forgive myself for that."

I looked around the room and smiled sadly, "My brother in law told me forgiveness is like love in that it can't be forced. You can want to love or forgive someone desperately, but if your heart and mind aren't there yet it isn't going to happen. Hopefully someday soon I'll find a way to forgive myself for the past, but right now I have no idea how."

I sighed tiredly and stepped down from the lectern. It was amazing how just standing up at the lectern and talking could make me feel like I'd run a marathon. I retook my seat beside my Dad and found him smiling kindly. He kissed my cheek and whispered, "I am so proud of you Pumpkin."

I blushed shyly and rested my head on his shoulder as we listened to the rest of the speakers. I was glad I had come to the meeting and even gladder that I'd brought my Dad with me. It helped having him beside me. I felt safe. It was important to share this with him, to let him in. I had pushed him and my family away for too long already. I was never going to stay clean without their love and support. I was very lucky to have them.

We drove back to the farm and were met out the front by Paula and Anne who were sitting on the front step watching the horses in the paddocks. Anne jumped up and opened her arms to me the moment I climbed out of the car. I ran as fast as I could and let myself be wrapped in the arms of the only mother I'd ever known. I clung to her and let her rock me and tell me everything was going to be ok. The best part was, I even believed her.

Paula hung back and gave my Dad a warm hug. I knew those two had had some problems since I'd left so it was nice to see them getting along.

The four of us walked back inside just in time for a dinner of leftovers and laughter.

Spencer kept glancing at me curiously, but kept her distance. I was a little grateful for that. I was pretty sure neither of were ready for another emotionally charged conversation. We both had things to think about and work through and to be honest I was a little raw after my meeting.

I kept myself busy for the rest of Christmas Day by spending time with Allie and my family. I think I had turned a corner this Christmas. Not the corner I had thought, but an important one none the less. I wanted to have these incredible people in my life. I didn't want to hide from them anymore. I wanted to rebuild relationships with my parents. I wanted to get to know Sammy and to hang out with Aiden. I wanted to be a part of their lives. This was a big deal. Only a couple of months ago the thought of being anywhere near my parents, Aiden and Sammy was too overwhelming to contemplate.

Maybe I hadn't taken the big step I'd wanted to, but I'd still shuffled forward a bit so that was all that truly mattered! I was on the right track. I knew where I wanted to go and now I just had to work on getting there.

I really truly believed that I was going to be ok.