Chapter Thirty-Five- All That You Can't Leave Behind

You glance over at the girl lying next to you and sigh heavily, running a hand through your bedraggled hair and easing your other hand out from underneath the sweaty body next to you, trying not to disturb her. You climb out of bed, grabbing your abandoned shirt from the floor and slipping it over your shoulders before making your way out of the bedroom.

You reach the kitchen and lean heavily against the countertop, swallowing back a sob as your eyes land on the framed picture on the wall. The girl in the picture was happy and carefree, far from the girl you had become recently. More than that, the girls beside you were the ones who you wanted with you now- not the girl in the bedroom.

You'd met her in a bar, a few hours ago, after a long day at the library slaving over your finals. She was sweet, pretty and- most importantly- easy. Three drinks each and she was more than eager to go home with you (having first suggested the bathroom, which even you were above). She'd been good- really, really good- and in another lifetime she might have meant more to you than just sex. But in reality that's all she could ever be; because you weren't available. In theory, you were single, but there were always going to be three people in any relationship you entered into.

You, the person you dated, and the girl you were in love with.

Spencer Hastings.

The same Spencer Hastings who had seemingly vanished into thin air two years ago, without so much as a word. It pained you to admit that you weren't even angry with her- you were just hurt. And as much as you tried, you couldn't stop hurting. It seemed like you'd tried everything- you tried to channel it into your work-outs and dull it with alcohol, but neither of them had even come close.

Sex, however, had.

Sex with girls who were barely more than acquaintances. It made it easier that way- the less you knew about the girl in your bed, the easier it became to imagine it was Spencer. You chose girls who were similar to Spencer- the same long dark waves and slender, tall build; similar pale complexion and straight, white teeth.

Not that it worked. No matter how similar your bedmates were from a distance, none of them ever had the same sparkle in their eyes or the same lopsided smirk. None of them matched your favorite little details of her, and none of them could make you feel the same way she did.

It was late when Spencer and Emily arrived at the hotel. They'd chosen a hotel just outside of the center of New York City, walking distance from Central Park, Times Square and the Met, but it was far enough outside of the center to be quiet enough that Emily wasn't worried about Spencer struggling to sleep. Emily had deliberately chosen a hotel that only had a small number of rooms, which meant that its pool and spa areas would be reasonably quiet enough that Spencer would be relaxed there.

"Here we go," Emily grinned as she placed the key card in the door, pushing it open and holding it as Spencer walked inside. She picked up their suitcase and followed Spencer in, placing it by the door as she joined Spencer in the middle of the room, where she was eyeing the bed.

Though they shared a bed every night, this was different. At home, their bed was covered in throw pillows and blankets that Emily had had since college, the familiarity of which comforted Spencer, and there was nothing inherently sexual about the cotton sheets they slept on. But this was daunting. The bed was queen size and made up with silky sheets and lace trimmed pillows, and Spencer knew that there was a precedent set in this room.

"You sleepy?" Emily asked, standing behind Spencer and placing her hands on her hips, resting her head on her shoulder.

Spencer paused before nodding, watching as Emily opened their suitcase and handed her some pajamas and toiletries.

"You want anything to eat before bed?"

Spencer shook her head. They'd stopped at a diner about half way, and she couldn't really face food with the Hobson's choice that she'd created for herself in her head. She knew she wasn't ready to sleep with Emily, but she felt as though she might regret it if she didn't. It was the perfect opportunity, and she felt guilty for wasting it, even though she knew that there was no pressure on her from Emily.

When Spencer came back out of the bathroom, Emily was already in bed and she'd fetched their books from their suitcase (she knew that Spencer always slept better if she'd been given time to read before she went to sleep). Spencer crawled in bedside her, settling down next to her, but keeping a few inches between them.

They read in silence for a while, until Spencer started yawning and Emily decided it was time to switch off the light. Emily couldn't fail to notice that Spencer was being somewhat distant with her, she wasn't wrapped around her like she usually was and she'd barely said two words since they got to the hotel.

"Spence?" Emily asked softly, glancing at the clock on the nightstand. It was almost midnight, and Spencer was usually asleep by now, but Emily could tell that she was still wide awake.

"Mmh?"

Emily sighed and rolled over towards her, placing a hand on the side of Spencer's face and looking over it carefully.

"You okay?" She asked softly, "You want to go home?"

Spencer shook her head slowly into Emily's hand, looking away. She knew that there was no pressure on her from Emily, and she felt guilty for feeling this way. Which intensified the insomnia and the vicious cycle started again.

"Sweetheart, talk to me. Why aren't you sleeping?"

Spencer sighed in resignation, sitting up and wringing her hands in her lap, the sheets pooling around her waist. Emily moved her hand to her back, rubbing it softly, silently prompting Spencer to talk to her.

"It feels like I'm wasting an opportunity." She whispered, looking down guiltily at her hands. "We're here, in a hotel room, celebrating the end of a stressful few months and a couple of really great things. And any other couple would be taking full advantage of this and we won't even get to put this bed to use because I...I just can't."

Emily sighed.

"Get up." She whispered after a couple of moments, patting Spencer's thigh softly. Spencer looked confused, but nonetheless climbed off the bed, standing beside it and looking at Emily in utter bafflement.

Spencer chuckled as Emily began to pull the sheets off of the bed, grabbing the chair from the desk and moving it a few metres away from the bed.

"What are you doing?" Spencer asked, her eyes widening in alarm.

Emily shot her a wide smile, throwing a blanket in her direction.

"We are making a fort." She announced, tying one end of the blanket to the back of the chair and looking around for another.

Spencer's brow creased in confusion.

"Well, you said it felt like we were wasting the bed. Whilst that's not true, I figured we'd totally waste the bed, and we'd make a fort instead."

Spencer's mouth fell open in amazement, watching as Emily opened the closet and pulled out a few extra blankets, affixing them to the bed and nightstand, collecting all of the pillows off of the bed and throwing them under the fort, making a come hither motion to Spencer and crawling under the roof of the fort, laying down and pulling Spencer down with her on top of the plethora of pillows. The fort was only a few feet, maybe two and a half, off of the ground, but there was more than enough space for them both to lie comfortably underneath it.

"God, this takes me back." Emily smiled, glancing around her and rolling over towards Spencer, their faces only a couple of inches apart in the confined space of the fort, "Remember when we were kids, we used to do this a lot?"

Spencer nodded, a reminiscent happiness in her eyes.

"And when we had sleepovers all through high school we made beds like this with Hanna and Aria, so we could all sleep on the floor together."

Spencer was still quiet, happy just to listen to Emily talk.

"And that camping trip we had in my backyard when we were fourteen. That was great. We spent the whole night bundled up together under all of the blankets in the tent, and we were up all night, just talking about anything and everything and I remember thinking that I could do that everyday for the rest of my life and I would be happy."

Spencer smiled, taking one of Emily's hands in her own and playing with her fingers tenderly.

"I remember," Spencer murmured, "The first time you told me that you thought you were gay. And though I knew I loved you anyway it was on my mind for weeks afterwards, and I couldn't stop myself thinking about it and I couldn't work out why. And then, on that New Years Eve when we kissed...I realized why and it had pre-occupied me so much when you came out. I'd always loved you more than I'd admitted."

Spencer took a deep, steadying breath, continuing in a raspy whisper.

"And on my wedding day, when we were outside that church," Spencer choked, her eyes filling with tears as she swallowed a lump in her throat, "I knew that I shouldn't be marrying him, because I didn't want to let go of your hand while I walked down the aisle. I wanted to be with you.

"And in France, I finally admitted it. But I knew that you could do better than me, and I talked to him about it and he agreed and I decided that it was better for you if I let you go. And that's why I didn't call. And," Spencer swallowed hard, her voice shaking with emotion as she spoke, "I am so, so sorry."

Emily bit her lip, hard. Hearing Spencer's side of the story was hurting her more than she'd imagined possible. She reached for her hand under the blanket, but made no further attempt to make contact with her. As much as it was hurting her, she knew that Spencer needed to get it out, and that this could easily be a breakthrough in their relationship.

"And I swore to myself, the first time...the first time," Spencer closed her eyes, drawing strength from a deep breath, "the first time he...he raped me, I swore that if I ever got the chance to be with you, I would show you exactly how much I loved you. Because that's how sex is supposed to be. And it's just so- so frustrating, that we're here, in this hotel room, and it is the most perfect opportunity for us, and I want to...I so badly want to…but I.."

Spencer was sobbing by the time she finally trailed off, and Emily could feel tears streaming down her own cheeks as she took both of Spencer's hands in her own, squeezing them affectionately in her own. She paused for a moment to collect herself, absorbing everything that Spencer had said before she spoke.

"When we do," She said, thoughtfully considering each word before she said it, wanting to do justice to their situation, "When we make love for the first time, whether that is in five weeks or five years, it is going to be beautiful. And it's going to be amazing, because the two of us will be together in the most intimate way. But until that point, I'm going to show you how much I love you with every kiss, every touch and every word. And however beautiful our first time will be, it won't hold a candle to the rest of our relationship."

Spencer blinked furiously. Once she had started being sexually abused on a regular basis, she had convinced herself that sex was overrated; that it was a popular misconception that it was an expression of love, and that it was really just a physical act of power. She had forced herself to become so numb she had thought that she would never recover.

And she was just starting to feel again.

Spencer slipped her pajama top off and let it fall to the floor of the fort, leaving herself in her cropped camisole, and moved closer to Emily, starting to undo the buttons on her shirt. Emily caught her wrist gently, stilling her hands and giving her a questioning look.

"Not sex," Spencer whispered, "I just want to feel you. Skin to skin."

Emily nodded, letting go of Spencer's hand and letting her continue to undo her buttons, helping her slip it off of her shoulders, wearing nothing but a bandeau and shorts underneath. Spencer let her eyes roam over Emily's half naked torso, running her hand softly over Emily's abs before settling down against her, relishing in the contact as she felt Emily's arms close around her tightly. Her skin was warm and comforting against her own, and it was so soft it felt almost impossible to tell where Spencer ended and Emily began.

"Tell me something," Spencer whispered, her head resting on Emily's chest, her ear pressed against her breast so firmly she could her Emily's heart beat better than she could feel her own.

Emily chuckled lightly, running her hand through Spencer's hair.

"Like what?"

Spencer shrugged, grabbing a spare blanket and pulling it over the two of them.

"Anything." Spencer answered, nestling further into Emily's arms.

Emily let out a light laugh.

"Okay…" She whispered, pressing her lips against Spencer's hair, "How about, I tell you, that I cannot wait to take you out on another date?"

Spencer smiled rolling onto her back, her head still on Emily's chest, and looking up at her.

"Oh yeah?" She grinned, "And where are we going?"

Emily smiled, narrowing her eyes a little as she thought.

"Hmm, I don't know. I think it's your turn to choose."

Spencer gave her a lazy smile.

"Oh the places I am going to take you."

Emily chuckled, leaning forwards and pecking a kiss to Spencer's forehead.

"I don't doubt you for a second."

Spencer squinted at the light pervading the blanket fort, stretching sleepily as she realized where it was coming from. Sunrise. She was curled up against Emily's chest, and though Emily had fallen asleep an hour or so ago, Spencer hadn't slept at all.

"Em," Spencer whispered, sitting up and shaking Emily softly, "Em. The sun's coming up."

Emily opened her eyes, smiling tiredly as Spencer leaned down for a quick kiss.

"Morning to you too," Emily chuckled, noticing Spencer's excitement.

Spencer rolled her eyes, kissing Emily softly once again, before crawling out of the fort and crossing to the bathroom and fetching two dressing gowns, throwing one in Emily's direction as she stood up and stretched. Sending a smile in Emily's direction, Spencer opened the french doors to the balcony and cocked her head to the side, suggestively.

"How about," Emily started, pulling on her dressing gown and walking towards Spencer, wrapping her arms around her and pulling her in to her, "You give me a proper good morning, and then I'll call room service and we'll have breakfast on the balcony?"

Spencer grinned, looping her arms around Emily's neck and leaning in to place a lingering kiss on her lips.

"Just for the record," Emily smirked as she pulled away from Spencer, "If you ever feel like waking me up at six am again, that is the way to do it."

Spencer smiled and nodded.

"Duly noted."

Emily pecked her cheek and crossed the room, picking up the phone and dialing the number for room service.

"Good morning," She said into the receiver, shooting Spencer a small smile, "Can I get a latte and an americano, with french toast, pancakes and fruit, please?-" She cupped her hand around the phone and raised her eyebrows at Spencer, who nodded approvingly, "Great, that's all. Room 3-15. Thank you."

Hanging up the phone, Emily took hold of Spencer's hand and led her out onto the balcony, pulling out Spencer's chair for her and sitting down opposite. A comfortable silence fell between them, each enjoying being in the company of the other, their tired minds grateful of the quiet.

"All-nighters were easier when we were sixteen than they are now, huh?" Emily smiled, watching as Spencer rested her chin in her hands, her eyelids fluttering closed as she nodded sleepily.

There was a knock at the door and Emily got up to let the attendant in, pressing a soft kiss against Spencer's temple as she passed her.

After breakfast, Spencer and Emily stayed on the balcony together for a while, staring out at the view over the early morning streets of New York City.

"You look like you need a nap," Emily chuckled, "Did you even sleep at all?"

Spencer shook her head, a smile gracing her lips as she sipped the last of her coffee.

"It was already five by the time you fell asleep, so I just thought for a while."

Emily nodded, not wanting to pry into what Spencer had been up all night thinking about. Setting her cup down, Emily offered her hand to Spencer, who gladly accepted and let her lead her back into the bedroom.

"Fort or bed?" Emily asked softly, grabbing her laptop from the nightstand, grinning as Spencer looked between the two of them.

"Fort." She said decisively, crawling back inside and unable to fight back a smile as Emily crawled in after her. Setting up her laptop of one side of the fort, Emily clicked play and the first Harry Potter movie burst into life on the screen. Wrapping herself around Spencer from behind, Emily settled down with her, guessing that they would both be asleep within a few minutes.

Spencer chuckled, feeling a twitch in her ovaries as Emily pressed her lips against her cheek.

"And I thought you were kidding about spending the weekend in New York having a movie marathon."

A/N

I think that was a fairly big step...ready for another?